It seems to have snuck up on me without warning this year, in an “Oh, shit – it’s this weekend?” kind of way. I have therefore missed out on all the drama, which – and stop me if you’ve heard this before – largely revolves around the inclusion of Israel. As a result, a number of countries have withdrawn. We lost Iceland, Ireland, the Netherlands, Slovenia, and one of the event’s “Big 5” (countries which pay the most, so get to bypass the semi-finals) in Spain. Mind you, I was more upset by losing Slovenia, since I won’t get to use my annual meme. Or maybe I just did…

On the plus side (for some loose definition of “plus”), we gain Bulgaria, Moldova and Romania. They apparently found enough money down the back of the sofa to afford a bus ticket to Vienna, where this year’s event is taking place. More in hope than expectation though. Since 2011, Ukraine are the only former Eastern Bloc region to have won. Once with a song basically about being invaded by Russia, and once after actually being invaded by Russia. It’s an interesting tactic. Ukraine deserve high marks for commitment, certainly. But they only finished ninth last time, despite still being invaded. Hey, that’s slacktivism for you: you’re no longer this year’s cause. Joseph Kony nods in agreement. [Kids! Ask your parents!]

So, thirty-five songs in total, two fewer than last year, which is fine by me. Sitting through all of them becomes a bit of a test of stamina, and let’s be honest, those last few might not get a full tank of my snark. Lucky for them. What follows is based purely on the official music videos for each entry, though these are a mix of promos and national final performances.

Albania: Alis – “Nân”

I’m really not sure what to make of this. Any of it. There’s a choir, who might be ghosts, and the singer looks like the villain from a European Die Hard knockoff. “Know that Mother waits for you”, go the lyrics. Sure. Why not? C

Armenia: Simón – “Paloma Rumba”

A song about the hell of the daily grind, it appears. Something we can all get behind. But do we really need Office Space: The Musical? The singer ends coated in Post-It notes, and it builds to a truly frantic finish. Okay, sold. B-

Australia: Delta Goodrem – “Eclipse”

Sorry, missed most of this, due to the obligatory annual explanation to Chris about why Australia are taking part in Eurovision. Sand dunes, a piano and a wind machine. Needs more wombats though. Then again, don’t we all? C+

Austria: Cosmó – “Tanzschein”

I have a theory, that the hosts tend to phone it in, because nobody wants to win twice in a row. This does absolutely nothing to dissuade me of this belief. It’s far too safe, feeling like a casserole of Europop clichés. C-

Azerbaijan: Jiva – “Just Go”

Azerbaijan seem to be channeling their inner Celine Dion for this one. Jiva has a nice enough voice, but it feels like there’s a lot left on the table. Sure to be a hit in karaoke parlours all over Azerbaijan. C

Belgium: Essyla – “Dancing on the Ice”

The first one of the year I would genuinely call an ear-worm. It’s the one I’m most likely to find myself humming, though I’m not sure my hum has the necessary vocal range to do so successfully. B

Bulgaria: Dara – “Bangaranga”

Don’t get more quintessential a Eurovision title than that. It certainly isn’t very Bulgarian initially, being an up-tempo raver. But it does have a series of beat changes in the middle which keep it just about interesting. If difficult to dance to. Anyone know what a bangaranga IS, though? C+

Croatia: Lelek – “Andromeda”

I liked this, but am hard-pushed to say why. It has a vaguely Go-A sound to it, according to Chris. But rather than one weird female singer, there are five. It was over before I could really get a handle on it. I was disappointed it ended, which is a good sign. Rating: B

Cyprus: Antigoni – “Jalla”

The video is apparently brought to you by the Cyprus Citrus Promotion Board, though caused controversy locally, for some inexplicable reason. Rural life in Cyprus sure looks like fun. A lot of dancing and not much work. Be right back, I’ve got a craving for an orange. C+

Czechia: Daniel Zizka – “Crossroads”

They will always be the Czech Republic to me, dammit. In which a guy stares at his own hand more than I would like. It all seems very angsty, and is not my idea of fun. Neat bit at the end involving video screens though. But otherwise, severely meh. D+

Denmark: Søren Torpegaard Lund – “Før vi går hjem”

He’s trapped in a glass cage of emotions! Unfortunately, I was trapped in a glass cage of boredom. D+

Estonia: Vanilla Ninja – “Too Epic to Be True”

One of those videos where the band seem to be having a good time, and it rubs off on the viewer. A catchy song, delivered with energy and finding the sweet ground between over-complex and too simplistic. I hope it does very well. B+ [Narrator voice: in fact, it did not]

Finland: Linda Lampenius and Pete Parkkonen – “Liekinheitin”

They apparently had to get special dispensation for Lampenius to play her violin live in the contest. I just hope she doesn’t trip over her long train and stumble into the flames which do not appear to be CGI. There’s potential for disaster here, making this one to watch. Literally. B

France: Monroe – “Regarde!”

Britney Spears does opera. If she can land half of these notes on the night, it’s got a chance. Probably the most out there in terms of style, combining a lot of genres and blending them into something that isn’t easily forgotten. B

Georgia: Bzikebi – “On Replay”

Initially, I thought this might be The Human League. It has the same “guy and two girls” structure. But it’s a case where the video is probably more interesting than the song. It’s very busy, certainly, but I can’t say the tune or performance made much impression. C

Germany: Sarah Engels – “Fire”

Why settle for one scantily clad female singer, writhing around, when you can have five? Not sure what the other four are doing, but given the enthusiastic wielding of a flamethrower – appropriate, given the title – I will not be asking questions. C+

Greece: Akylas – “Ferto” (Φέρτο)

Gangnam Style, Greek style? Well, there are worse things to be, certainly. No shortage of energy, and the video (resembling an 8-bit side-scroller) captures it well. The inevitable 12 points from Cyprus might be justified, for once. B+

Israel: Noam Bettan – “Michelle”

WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING GENOCIDE!!!! Because it’s preferable to this song, I imagine. D+

Italy: Sal Da Vinci – “Per sempre sì”

This feels maybe fifty years older than it is, seeming like a throwback to the post-Abba Eurovisions of the mid-seventies. There are some nods to the contemporary era, but it probably would sound better while driving down the Amalfi coast in your open-topped sports car. C+

Latvia: Atvara – “Ēnā”

I’m always a fan of the understated, and this is very much along those lines initially. Then it suddenly isn’t, but I didn’t feel it hurt things. Certainly helps that Atvara has a very impressive voice. B

Lithuania: Lion Ceccah – “Sólo quiero más”

Why this has a Spanish title escapes me. But it’s also got lyrics in English and a slew of other languages in addition to, I guess Lithuanian? The video has a guy painted silver walking around a cellar. Which makes as much sense as the song. No, thank you. D+

Luxembourg: Eva Marija – “Mother Nature”

“Mother Nature, she knows”. Eva seems genuinely pleased to be here, and the unexpected, gratuitous violin was a pleasant surprise. But there’s not a lot else going on, and I’ve already forgotten it. C-

Malta: Aidan – “Bella”

Are mustaches required this year? The singer here looks like he is a 19th-century cavalry officer. But repeating your song title in lieu of lyrics isn’t winning any points for effort. And nor is much else in a rather moist ballad. C

Moldova: Satoshi – “Viva, Moldova!”

One of the shoutier songs in this year’s contest, I’m mostly impressed they managed to find enough things rhyming with Moldova, to make an actual song. Despite the obvious cheap heat, it is a nice mix of modern and traditional elements though. B-

Montenegro: Tamara Živković – “Nova zora” (Нова зора)

The video largely consists of a woman doing housework. Which is odd, considering the song is certainly one of the year’s more energetic. It has everything but the kitchen sink. Probably because it is being used for doing the washing-up. B-

Norway: Jonas Lovv – “Ya Ya Ya”

Again with the mustache, on a guy whose day job must be with a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tribute band. Despite the title, nonsensical even by Eurovision, this isn’t too bad, and doesn’t hang around past its welcome. B-

Poland: Alicja – “Pray”

Opens with a gospel feel, before becoming a bit rappy. I think I preferred it when it wasn’t. But it’s one where the performance could make a difference. Might be a case of go big or go home. C+

Portugal: Bandidos do Cante – “Rosa”

This is another one which feels like it popped out of a time-capsule from fifty years ago. Kinda brave to go with something so unashamedly old-fashioned. But I’m afraid I cannot see it paying off. Those days are gone. Not unpleasant though. Just going nowhere. C+

Romania: Alexandra Căpitănescu – “Choke Me”

Comes with an epilepsy warning, and probably should have one about the dangers of S&M. It’s not about what you think though (“the power [to] go beyond your limits and be the best versions of yourself” apparently), despite the video looking like nineties Nine Inch Nails. Rather poppier in tone than that, with some unexpected operatic trills. More likeable than expected. B-

San Marino: Senhit[b] – “Superstar”

How desperate must you be to pull a hologram of Boy George in, to do a little rap in the middle of your song? No, really. Does it add anything? No. I am irritated by this. Please stop. D

Serbia: Lavina – “Kraj mene” (Крај мене)

It’s nice to see the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang still getting work. Oh, my mistake: it’s Serbian Marilyn Manson. It was going reasonably well, until it decided to go screamo. All downhill from there. C-

Sweden: Felicia – “My System”

Well, it’s no Abba, is it? It is the fate of every Swedish Eurovision entry to be so compared, and found wanting. But to be honest, I’ve heard a lot worse. Bit of a banger, in fact. B

Switzerland: Veronica Fusaro – “Alice”

This bounces around styles with no shortage of imagination, but it all manages to gel quite nicely. You can pick out the different elements, from guitar through to strings. Yet they complement each other well enough. I would happily listen to this on repeat. B+

Ukraine: Leléka – “Ridnym” (Рідним)

We’re still being invaded. Please vote for us. C

United Kingdom: Look Mum No Computer – “Eins, Zwei, Drei”

Not a chance. More’s the pity, because it’s one of our better recent efforts. It’s not taking itself too seriously, and I’m always down for a bit of synth-pop. Deserves to do better than it almost certainly will. B

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The semi-finals have now taken place, removing ten entries from the above list without a chance to strut their stuff on the finals stage. A mix of good news and bad: I am gutted that Estonia didn’t make it through from the first semi-final, and disappointed Montenegro didn’t qualify. But the jury and televoters did show remarkably good taste in kicking San Marino (suck it, Boy George) and Georgia out. Portugal also got sent home, in a completely expected turn of events. I was even less happy with the second semi. How the hell could Switzerland be sent packing, while Denmark stays? I was sorry to see Latvia go too, and there’s worse than Armenia. Oh, well…

Who does that leave? Well, with most of favorites already eliminated, Greece is the only survivor that I rated higher than a B. Below that are a cluster, including Belgium, Croatia, Finland, France, Sweden and the UK.: none of them I’d be averse to winning. Pretty much anyone but Denmark, in fact. Given my moderate level of passion on the positive side, I’ve a feeling this year, the contest could end up being a bit of a hate-watch.