I’m making a strenuous effort to avoid spoilers this year, or even discussions which might end up giving any indication of the winner. So, no browsing the Eurovision subreddit, or checking the betting odds, and I’ve avoided Googling the show too much, so that my news feed doesn’t include any hints as to the outcome. Whether I will be able to sustain this, until the point when we will be able to catch up on the show – either very late Saturday night Arizona time, or some point on Sunday – remains to be seen. I may have to go completely dark on social media once it starts, just to be sure. I know too many people who are fans of the show on some level to take the risk…

I’m just hoping everything unfolds in a drama-free version this year, after… [gestures vaguely in the direction of the 2024 contest] Before I peeled out of all the gossip, the biggest fuss appeared to be Malta singing a song whose lyrics were – intentionally, by all reports – sailing perilously close to “serving cunt.” Seems like a kinda silly bit of attention seeking. And it likely won’t do much. The last group to get their naughty lyrics censored, Latvia’s Citi Zēni, failed to qualify for the final in 2022. But if that’s as controversial as we get, I’ll be fine with it.

Anyway, here are my hot takes on the 37 contenders, all based solely on the official music videos for them, and whatever impression they made on be as I live-watched the playlist. Let’s draw a veil over the fact that we started off mistakenly watching last year’s entries. Or exactly how long it took, before I noticed some of the songs were strangely familiar…

Albania: Shkodra Elektronike – “Zjerm”

Visually, this is all over place, from cyberpunk to many things going on fire for no apparent reason. But it’s a good song, which mixes both traditional and modern to surprisingly good effect. B

Armenia: Parg – “Survivor”

I may or may not have misread the act as Pawg, and been somewhat disappointed by it being a bloke. Weirdly, his accent sometimes sounds like he’s from the East End, innit mate? The camera keeps backing away. Can’t say I blame it. C–

Australia: Go-Jo – “Milkshake Man”

His milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. I’m sure this is simply a song extolling the virtues of lactose-based beverages. Yes, that’s surely it. Leave me alone in my denial. C+

Austria: JJ – “Wasted Love”

Very dramatic, with lots of thrashing around in the woods and water, before hitting notes I suspect only our pets could appreciate. It then turns berserk up to 11. Not sure how it’ll play live though. C

Azerbaijan: Mamagama – “Run with U”

Always going to appreciate a Frankenstein based music video. Unfortunate that the song is mostly bland, except for a brief period in the middle, where it briefly flirts with being… somewhat interesting. C-

Belgium: Red Sebastian – “Strobe Lights”

First video with a warning about flashing lights, as if the title wasn’t warning enough. Looks like the video used the country’s entire supply or red pleather, but as techno floor-fillers go, it’s a decent one. B-

Croatia: Marko Bošnjak – “Poison Cake”

This artist looks exactly like the sort of person from whom you should not accept candy. The songs backs it up, but yells the title too often. We do not need a Sorting Hat to decide that Marko belongs to House Slitherin. C-

Cyprus: Theo Evan – “Shh”

After a fairly bland start, this began to get my attention, although the main riff is a bit reminiscent of Sandstorm. The video is imaginative too, and by the end I was fully invested. Might have a chance. B- [Morgan Freeman voice: It did not, in fact, have a chance]

Czechia: Adonxs – “Kiss Kiss Goodbye”

The country formerly known as the Czech Republic, now identifying as Czechia. The song also identifies as something interesting, but I have some bad news, despite epic choral aspirations. D+

Denmark: Sissal – “Hallucination”

Seem to have more strobe lights than the song named Strobe Lights, which is almost impressive. The song starts off well, teeters on the edge of being repetitive, before redeeming itself with a strong finale. B-

Estonia: Tommy Cash – “Espresso Macchiato”

I feel there should be a rule about not being more [country] than that actual country. This is more Italian than Italy, or at least faux Italian. I wonder how many points it’ll get from Italy? 12 or nul, I suspect. C+

Finland: Erika Vikman – “Ich komme”

Despite typography which suggests a Rammstein song – and Ms. Vikman’s costume isn’t far off either – this is a mid-strength, but fairly high-tempo number. Finishes strong, always a good thing. B-

France: Louane – “Maman”

After an unexpected opening, this settles down into what feels like the same kind of song France always sends, an operatic and emotional ballad. No better than any previous years, though no worse either. C+

Georgia: Mariam Shengelia – “Freedom”

Sometimes, there’s a song where you think it has no chance of making it out of the semis. This is one such song, all over the place in tone and style, though the singer has some strong pipes. D

Germany: Abor & Tynna – “Baller”

This cello-techno is not what I would have expected from Germany, but it’s not bad. Is Abor the vocalist? Or is that Tynna? There are too damn many gender neutral names in this year’s contest! /yells at clouds. C+

Greece: Klavdia – “Asteromata” (Αστερομάτα)

The early stages feel like this might have been taking sneak peeks at Albania’s entry. Finds its own place eventually, though if anybody knows what the title means… It’s all Greek to me. Literally, hohoho. C

Iceland: Væb – “Róa”

Trust Iceland to come up with something interesting. Though they will always have The Story of Fire Saga to live down. Part pirate shanty, part Daft Punk tribute band, and charming in a “puffin and hot spring” way. B

Ireland: Emmy – “Laika Party”

Toning things down a bit after Bambie Thug, to put it mildly. Gets very Eurovision in the middle, where Emmy goes all bum-di-bum for a bit. Nobody is going to accuse this of being Satanic. Quite adorbs though. B

Israel: Yuval Raphael – “New Day Will Rise”

Israel could get Abba to reunite, and they would still probably be doomed, regardless. Politics will triumph. This feels like they have accepted their fate, and decided barely to bother. D+

Italy: Lucio Corsi – “Volevo essere un duro”

What, no Espresso Macchiato? One guy and his piano. And some really big shoulder pads. And his guitar. And another guy who shows up for a bit. And it kinda wants to be late period Beatles. And isn’t. C-

Latvia: Tautumeitas – “Bur man laimi”

Sometimes, there’s a song where you think it has no chance of making it out of the semis. And it’s a shame. An all-girl group dressed up as wood nymphs, with a song that’s unusual, interesting and cool. No chance. B

Lithuania: Katarsis – “Tavo akys”

Is it Lithuania that has the highest suicide rate in Europe? Or is it only this song which makes it seem that way? Shoegaze has clearly reached the Baltic States, for which I can only apologize to them. D

Luxembourg: Laura Thorn – “La poupée monte le son”

The doll turns up the volume, if my O-level French (OK, Google Translate) does not fail me. Contains 133% of your daily requirement of na-na-na, and also of female empowerment. Decent. B-

Malta: Miriana Conte – “Serving”

I left Chris as the control group here. Would she be offended, if not warned in advance? Absolutely no reaction, though this was likely the toned-down version. It’s not much of a song. C

Montenegro: Nina Žižić – “Dobrodošli” (Добродошли)

Dry ice! Extravagant hand gestures! Shoulder pads! It can only be the Balkans! Montenegro’s turn to deliver in this category for 2025, and for what it is, it’s adequate. Might not make the final. C+

Netherlands: Claude – “C’est la vie”

La-la-la la-la laaaaaaa. So we have Estonia trying to be Italy, and now the Netherlands trying to be France. With lots of extra la-la-la. The video is nice, but the song is mid. C

Norway: Kyle Alessandro – “Lighter”

Sorry, I got distracted in the middle of this one. On the plus side, I really do not feel like I missed anything. Is it a song about a device for starting fires? A flat-bottomed boat? An emotional statement? Who knows. C-

Poland: Justyna Steczkowska – “Gaja”

The reboot of Spartacus is going to be legit. Snark aside, it’s one of the few entries this year which have a genuinely national sound. It won’t win many votes, but I respect the approach. B-

Portugal: Napa – “Deslocado”

“I’m irritated by this guy. Look at the way his pants drag. He looks like he’s wearing pyjamas”. This is the first comment of note Chris provided, and I am not inclined to disagree with her. The song is pants too. D

San Marino: Gabry Ponte – “Tutta l’Italia”

Well, if any country except for Italy has the right to sound Italian, it would be San Marino. And they certainly did. That’s all I’ve got. My energy is running low. D+

Serbia: Princ – “Mila” (Мила)

Nope. Sorry, I was busy generating the meme for the next entry. D

Slovenia: Klemen – “How Much Time Do We Have Left”

Nice of Mark Zuckerberg to take time out of his busy schedule, and get the Facebook AI to write his song. F

Spain: Melody – “Esa diva”

In terms of overall quality, it feels like Spain are among the most reliable countries, and this is another solid entrant. It has a good… well, melody and Melody delivers it with energy and no lack of passion. B

Sweden: KAJ – “Bara bada bastu”

They’re all lumberjacks, and they’re okay. Not many obviously “comic” entries this year, and this does a good job of treading the line between deadpan and taking the piss. Feels like it might have a chance. B

Switzerland: Zoë Më – “Voyage”

I don’t think Switzerland will ever get over entering Celine Dion. This song suggests they wanted her, but Celine’s agent has stopped returning their calls. I don’t blame him. D+

Ukraine: Ziferblat – “Bird of Pray”

Taking place in what looks like a small allotment, it feels like Ukraine are again relying on the sympathy votes. Because this song isn’t deserving of much attention otherwise. D

United Kingdom: Remember Monday – “What the Hell Just Happened?”

Will this get Britain back into the top 10, a spot achieved only once since 2009? Probably not, but it’s a better song than many, with some cool tempo changes which sustained my interest. B-

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Ok, so I somewhat lied about avoiding all pre-contest news. I did poke my head onto the Internet long enough to see the results of the semi-finals. The first one lost us Azerbaijan, Belgium, Croatia, Cyprus and Slovenia. No great loss, though I’m surprised by the early exit of Cyprus. But delighted to see Slovenia sent to the showers, because that one was genuinely terrible. The second one led to the departure of Australia, Czechia, Georgia, Ireland, Montenegro and Serbia. Again, just the one, Ireland, which I’m sorry to see go. They’ll probably go back to recruiting hellspawn again next year.

So we’re now down to the final 26. Who do I want to win? Latvia. Who would I be happy to see winning? Sweden or Finland. Who do I think will win? Probably, but hopefully not, Malta.