This year, Eurovision snuck up on me. One moment, I was “It’s not until May?”, but my next thought was, “This weekend?” All I’d really heard about it was the obligatory political fuss: this year, spinning the Wheel O’ Controversy landed on “Gaza.” Some were complaining about Israel being allowed to take part, given the situation there, but the organizers weren’t having any of that. I would not be surprised to see some kind of demonstration during Saturday’s final though.

It’s also the fiftieth anniversary of probably the most iconic Eurovision moment: Abba winning with Waterloo. Given this year’s event is taking place in Sweden – hey, what are the odds? – nor would I be at all surprised to see Abba show up, despite strenuous denials from the group. But that’s all in the future at the time of writing. What follows is in alphabetical order, and based entirely on the music videos for each entry, as presented in the official Eurovision playlist.

Albania: Besa – “Titan”

I’m getting some strong Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball vibes in the early going. Never a good sign. The singer wearing a Hannibale Lecter-esque mask of pearls is certainly a choice. The problem with the title is it inevitably kicks off Titane thoughts. Nobody has sex with a car here though. More’s the pity. C-

Armenia: Ladaniva – “Jako” (Ժակո)

“But I am a free girl, so I will dance and you will watch.” Oh, really, Ms. Ladaniva. You’re not the boss of me. Very heavy on the “la-li-las”, but she’s perky, enthusiastic and seems genuinely happy to be there. It also feels native, rather than being generically (and blandly) European, which gets marks from me. B–

Australia: Electric Fields – “One Milkali (One Blood)”

The video is simply the duo in question, apparently naked, looking at (or in the general vicinity of) the camera, as they listen to their song. They seem to be quite enjoying it, but it didn’t rub off on this viewer. This song will not be troubling the final, and I’m fine with that, despite playing the indigenous card. C-

Austria: Kaleen – “We Will Rave”

Specifically: “We rum de dum dum da we will rave.” Straightforward Euro-techno, and so having bollocks for the lyrics kinda goes with the territory. I wouldn’t change the channel, but there’s not much to make it stand out from roughly eight million other straightforward Euro-techno songs you’ve heard. C+

Azerbaijan: Fahree feat. Ilkin Dovlatov – “Özünlə apar”

A moody, black and white video of, presumably, Fahree, wandering through a landscape, mostly in slow-motion. I’m not sure who Ilkin Dovlatov is, or what their role was in this that they got a “feat.” credit. But it might have been better off to have had either more of them, or less of them. C

Belgium: Mustii – “Before the Party’s Over”

Much of this seems taken up with the singer, naked except for some gold spray-paint, playing with his own nipples. Still, it’s probably an improvement over what seems to be a pro-wrestling costume of some kind. This all distracts from the song, which improves over its duration, to reach somewhat memorable. C

Croatia: Baby Lasagna – “Rim Tim Tagi Dim”

This is a band name and song title which suggest Eurovision should be welcoming our new AI overlords. But it’s actually addressing the Croatian brain-drain, I kid you not. Despite rhyming “prance” and “dance” (again, I kid you not), it’s aggressively catchy and deservedly up among the favorites. B+

Cyprus: Silia Kapsis – “Liar”

Somebody start a GoFundMe to buy this girl some shirt buttons. And/or a shirt. she’s clearly in desperate need. I accidentally restarted the video in the middle, but was fine with this incident. I feel there’s an “L for Pleather” joke in here somewhere, but it’s a work in progress, and will need more than three minutes B-

Czechia: Aiko – “Pedestal”

Early on, this seemed to be heading in a surprisingly pleasant goth/industrial direction. It never quite gets there, taking a detour into girl power-ish rawk, though not in an unpleasant way. Take a drink for every time she says “loving me,” and you’ll need a wellness check by the end of the song. B-

Denmark: Saba – “Sand”

I respect the simplicity here. The video is simply Saba performing the song, while standing on a coffee-table, in a fog-filled minmalist living-room. Probably best not to try this at home, fellow kids. However, It looks very much like she’s lip-syncing, and the also song ends very sudde… C-

Estonia: 5miinust and Puuluup – “(Nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi”

Another artist/song combo which looks like it’s the product of an AI gone rogue. Oh, my mistake: it’s Estonian. But if you have to have two sets of parentheses in your title, you may want to reconsider, regardless of your language. Oh, the song? Quite good, from the “ethnic yelling” subgenre of entries. B

Finland: Windows95man – “No Rules!”

The video blurs the Windows 95 logo on his hat and shirt, as he emerges from a giant egg on stage because of course he does. Mind you, his underpants are… small, so perhaps pixilation is needed, until he dons pyrotechnic shorts. Yes, you read that correctly. The jury will hate it. The televote will love it. B-

France: Slimane – “Mon amour”

It might be a cliche to say it, but it feels like France always seem to go with this kind of big song, with a big voiced singer giving it the big arms. Slimane does occasionally drift into the squeaky side of the pitch range, before recovering by the finish. Which is big, naturally. C+

Georgia: Nutsa Buzaladze – “Firefighter”

“It’s getting harder to breathe,” proclaims the unfortunately named Nutsa. I blame her costume choices, which seem singularly unsuited to rescuing kittens from trees, shall we say. The video appears to be ticking off the elements – air, earth, fire and water all seem to get checked off, but to no real impact. C

Germany: Isaak – “Always on the Run”

Pro-tip, Isaak: you might want to lay off the donuts, if you’re going to be doing all the running promised in the lyrics here. Just a thought. Though there’s considerably more standing around here, and if he ever gets up above a gentle amble, I must have missed it. #FalseAdvertising C-

Greece: Marina Satti – “Zari” (Ζάρι)

I must say, this was the most interesting video so far, a faux travel vlog thing which genuinely kept me watching throughout (and I must admit, that hasn’t always been the case). There’s a Latin feel to this, and if I wasn’t exactly shaking my hips, Shakira-style, I was tapping my foot nicely. B

Iceland: Hera Björk – “Scared of Heights”

First: no relation. Second: did they order the real Björk on Temu, and end up with the Hera version? I hope they kept the receipt, because even by the standards of safety and blandness set by some entries, this is an almost impressive vat of vanilla pudding. Seventies Radio 2 called, they want their song back. D+

Ireland: Bambie Thug – “Doomsday Blue”

Like the love child of Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson, there are far more Youtube reaction videos to this than any other entry. “I speak to destroy”? No shit. They’re coming to take me away, Eurovision style. Did not see Ireland, home of two-time winner Johnny Logan, sending this. But I’m not complaining. B+

Israel: Eden Golan – “Hurricane”

Basically, poor Eden is in a lose-lose situation here, because whatever she does is going to be totally overshadowed by political considerations. Maybe Israel should have leaned into the controversy, and just submitted three minutes of semi-automatic gunfire noises, instead of this inoffensive balled. C-

Italy: Angelina Mango – “La noia”

That’s her birth name, to my surprise. The title translates as “Boredom”, and that’s clearly ironic, given this is one of the fastest-paced entries, Ms. Mango spittin’ fire, though there are also a good number of BPM changes as well. I hope she has the same hair for the final, because it’s genuinely impressive in the vid. B

Latvia: Dons – “Hollow”

It’s good to see the Doctor Who gravel pit getting some use, with Dons and a bunch of other bald guys in blue jump-suits looking suitably angsty, as he complains, “I’m drifting in and out of who I am”. But there’s not a great deal to get excited about here, and it all seems very much his problem. D+

Lithuania: Silvester Belt – “Luktelk”

I was initially prepared to write this off as another pretty boy act, and while that’s not far from the mark, the song is actually better than expected. It doesn’t particularly go anywhere, and is so unchallenging vocally, I could probably karaoke it. Well, if I knew Lithuanian. I don’t regard that as a problem. C+

Luxembourg: Tali – “Fighter”

Nice to see Wednesday Addams getting work outside of Netflix. C+

Malta: Sarah Bonnici – “Loop”

How do you make a Maltese cross? Eliminate their Eurovision entry in the qualifying round. That said, I didn’t mind this slightly sticky slice of shiny pop, and I can’t work out why this was eliminated and the not dissimilar Luxembourg entry immediately above was allowed through to the final. C+

Moldova: Natalia Barbu – “In the Middle”

This one looks as if Robert Palmer’s backing band had gone solo. Though the song is too shrieky for my tastes – it may attract any nearby dolphins – the random burst of violin playing in the middle seemed wholly unnecessary, and having five of them seems like musician’s union-mandated levels of overstaffing. D

Netherlands: Joost Klein – “Europapa”

The most pandering song of 2024, with its opening lyrics of “Welcome to Europe, stay here until I die.” I guess the Netherlands forgot what happened to their neighbours in Belgium, who sent Telex in 1980 with a song called Euro-Vision. They came 17th of 19. This is not likely to do much better. C-

Norway: Gåte – “Ulveham”

If I didn’t know better, I would swear this one is a Volvo advert. No, hang on: they’re Swedish. But it’s easy to imagine someone doing a voice-over, extolling the virtues of good mileage and a five-star safety rating. Gåte certainly has one of the more impressive vocal ranges, so keep an eye on your pets. B-

Poland: Luna – “The Tower”

Initially, I thought this performer was an alien. She’s almost albino-esque and doesn’t blink as much as she should. Letting Australia in is one thing, but Alpha Centauri? Once I overcame the shock, I liked the tune and her voice, though the lyrics are basic. Probably my favorite of the non-qualifiers. B-

Portugal: Iolanda – “Grito”

Portugal seem almost stubbornly averse to Eurovision success: since 1996, they’ve one finish higher than ninth. This isn’t likely to change that, but you have to respect something which sounds like a genuine product of the country submitting it. Even if not my cup of tea, you hear this and go: “Portugal”. C+

San Marino: Megara – “11:11”

The population of San Marino is about 35,000, so it’s only a matter of time before every inhabitant of the country has been asked to take part in Eurovision for the country. Based off this entry, it appears they may have already reached that point. This certainly isn’t rock. It may just about qualify as “pebble.” C-

Serbia: Teya Dora – “Ramonda” (Рамонда)

“I don’t have either peace, nor sleep. The night frightens the day. The lonely ones suffer. Everything is quiet just like under the water. I scream, but the sound doesn’t come out. And heaven knows I’m miserable now.” Ok, I made the last bit up. But if psychic vampirism were a song, this is it. D+

Slovenia: Raiven – “Veronika”

What this video lacks in clothes, it probably makes up for in writhing. But I am, once again, asking Slovenia to send Laibach instead. D+

Spain: Nebulossa – “Zorra”

A little spice here, the title translating, I guess, as “bitch” – technically, “vixen,” but a bit more derogatory. So you can probably figure out where this one is going, without even having to listen to it: in case you can’t, lyrics such as “Can’t be bothered changing for you” should clue you in. Mostly harmless. C+

Sweden: Marcus & Martinus – “Unforgettable”

Really, giving your song that title is ducks in a barrel to snarky Internet critics like me. That aside, why there’s two of them here escapes me: they look and sound spookily similar. Oh. They’re twins. Good job this didn’t have to qualify, Sweden being hosts, because there’s precious little unforgettable here. Sorry, couldn’t resist. D.

Switzerland: Nemo – “The Code”

Eurovision trope, #17: the persecuted outsider who has found peace. Certainly busy, cramming a lot into three minutes, from mock-opera through rap to lyrics of, “Like ammonites, I just gave it some time.” Wait, what? But it all feels a bit cynical in its obvious nature, though let’s face it: Eurovision ain’t about subtlety. C+

Ukraine: Alyona Alyona and Jerry Heil – “Teresa & Maria”

I’m still annoyed Go_A didn’t win in 2021, but their far more inferior 2002 entry did, entirely on sympathy votes. Ukraine dropped to 6th last time, so we’ll see how far charity gets them, as the war grinds on into Year 3. That likely matters more than the song, which is decent, until the unnecessary rapping. C

United Kingdom: Olly Alexander – “Dizzy”

How long ago the glory years of 1967-77, when the UK won three, and never finished below fourth. Now, a top-half place is a rare moment for joy. And you can’t blame Brexit: from 2003-19, we had one top-10 finish. No-one likes us. We don’t care. Olly sounds suspiciously auto-tuned. Guess we’ll see on the night. C

With the herd now thinned, we prepare for the final tomorrow night, though as I type this there’s another twist, with Joost Klein not allowed to rehearse due to “an incident”. He was one of those leading protests against Israel’s inclusion, so we wonder if that’s related somehow? It’s all shaping up to be must-see television, even more than usual: the precise reasons for that are still to be decided. Ready your popcorn, folks.