It’s that time of year again, when we engage with the kind of music which, for the other 364 days of the year, I would probably run screaming from. But Eurovision deserves special treatment, being the musical equivalent of an MST3K marathon. You go in, knowing to expect a slew of women belting out power ballads, Justin Bieber wannabes, cultural appropriation, and the batshit crazy entries that every country tends to throw up now and again.

This year, there were 37 entries, some of which won’t even make it to the grand final on Saturday night. But they still have deserve their moment in the sun. We sat through all their music videos, so you don’t have to. Here’s our thoughts, scrawled in the moment, and a back of the envelope grade as to whether we like them or not. Which may (and probably will) be utterly independent of musical quality.

Albania: Albina & Familja Kelmendi – Duje

Based on the video, this appears to be some kind of Albanian soap-opera, which ends on a cliff-hanger. The next episode will likely lead either to tearful reconciliation or a blood feud. The song would be appropriate for either, which is an impressive feat. B-

Armenia: Brunette – Future Lover

This is certainly a look. Is that her real hair? It’s amazing what you can do with bandages. She could kill you in three seconds with those fingernail rings. It’s quite a lot to get your head around, and the song can’t compete, though makes an effort. B-

Australia: Voyager – Promise

We’ll take the “But they’re not in Europe!” comments as read. This might be the last time we have that conversation, since I believe 2023 is the end of their current agreement. As for the song, I lost interest on seeing the size of the drummer’s man-bun, though it finished strong. C-

Austria: Teya & Salena – Who the Hell is Edgar?

“There’s a ghost in my body and he is a lyricist/It is Edgar Allan Poe and I think he can’t resist.” Yes, we have a song about demonic possession by the spirit of a Gothic writer. I did not see that coming, especially in the shape of a funky dance number. B+

Azerbaijan: TuralTuranX – Tell Me More

This kinda feels like a song Robert Smith rejected for a Cure album, which was then picked out of the trash can by a pair of Azerbaijani rappers. I was surprisingly gratified to find out that this one failed to qualify for the final. Well done, semifinal jury. D

Belgium: Gustaph – Because Of You

A nice, highly inclusive message about boosting your self-esteem. Personally, I was more concerned that the singer appeared to be wearing a costume made out of stitched-together Hot Pockets. I feel this may have distracted somewhat from the message. C-

Croatia: Let 3 – Mama ŠČ!

Yeah, you know I mentioned “batshit crazy entries” above? This would be a prime candidate for 2023. I think it’s an anti-war – specifically, anti-Putin – song, but the subtitled lyrics include the phrase “Armageddon granny,” so I am obliged to love it. B

Cyprus: Andrew Lambrou – Break A Broken Heart

Despite what I said above, it’s apparently not just women that are capable of singing the power ballads. I had to listen to this one twice. Which is either testament to its power, or evidence of an inability to hold my attention for three minutes. YOU decide… C-

Czechia: Vesna – My Sister’s Crown

Never say Eurovision is not educational. For a while, I thought this was Chechnya trying a bit of national identity theft, but it’s apparently the Czech Republic’s preferred pronoun or something. It feels like it has a fairly strong national vibe, and lands it well enough. B-

Denmark: Reiley – Breaking My Heart

What, another broken heart song? Didn’t we get one of those about five minutes ago? This is utterly terrible, with a Justin Bieber wanna-be, and appears largely to be autotuned. I hated, hated, hated this, and is another I’m delighted is already eliminated. F

Estonia: Alika – Bridges

If you’re looking for a piano-playing Goth, this will be the entry for you, complete with black fingerless keys as she tickles the ivory, with lyrics like, “I remember all the things that I went through, all the lies and blurry lines and city lights I knew.” Bonus: writhing in rose petals. B

Finland: Käärijä – Cha Cha Cha

This seems to about the pleasures of heavy drinking, which would be admirably Finnish. It is, however, one of the few songs which I could actually imagine myself listening to outside the confines of the contest. Until the autotuned second half, at least. B-

France: La Zarra – Évidemment

Can an artist be too suave? Well, they are French, so I guess the bar there is automatically raised. Still, you could watch this one with the sound off, and would probably be able to guess its country of origin. Or listen with your eyes closed. It’s very French. B-

Georgia: Iru – Echo

“Life is love/Thing is known” Well, we can’t argue with that, can we? Best not listen to the lyrics. The tune has an exotic appeal to it, and whoever was responsible for the video has one hell of a sense of visual style to them. Striking, yet possible too odd. C+

Germany: Lord Of The Lost – Blood & Glitter

When you order Rammstein on Temu. C-

Greece: Victor Vernicos – What They Say

“I hate my feelings/I’m overwhelmed and heated.” This is likely a contender for the darkest lyrical content this year, combined with a video which is so dark and rainy, you can hardly ever see Victor’s face. But I can’t say I hated it. C+

Iceland: Diljá – Power

The country has had a lot to live up to, since The Story of Fire Saga. There’s been a quirkiness to some of their recent entries, but this one has not much to make it stand out. The singer does seems to be trying her best, but enthusiasm can only go so far. C

Ireland: Wild Youth – We Are One

For some reason, the band are performing in the video wearing silver masks. I want to start a rumour that they are U2 in disguise: the song certainly feels like it could be, an uplifting anthem over some jangly Edge-like guitar. But if I wanted to listen to U2… C-

Israel: Noa Kirel – Unicorn

“I got the power of a unicorn/Don’t you ever learn?” I’m not certain what the power is. The song is vague on the details, but based on the video, it appears to involve dressing in an off-brand Ms. Marvel costume and getting botox injections. Does contain centaur/unicorn though. D

Italy: Marco Mengon – Due Vite

Who knew they had deserts in Italy? Either that, or Marco is standing in the middle of the world’s largest sand pit. Starts out in black and white, turning into color as he storms to the top of a dune, and… we never do get to see what’s on the other side. C

Latvia: Sudden Lights – Aija

Air guitar, awkward tempo changes and a lot of people standing around in an empty swimming pool. I feel this one needed to come with liner notes to explain what it all means. The singer ends up in a bath getting a rub-down. I’ve no idea. C-

Lithuania: Monika Linkytė – Stay

I always have to respect a straightforward presentation, and this delivers that, with Monika and her backing singers, unencumbered by gimmicks. She looks genuinely happy to be there too. Not exactly my normal thing, yet I found myself won over by its simple charms. B

Malta: The Busker – Dance (Our Own Party)

This is another entry which I had to play twice, because I got distracted in the middle and drifted off. It wasn’t an enormous improvement the second time round, with lyrics like “I feel better, in my sweater.” It’s all annoying bland, and would probably make a Maltese cross. D+

Moldova: Pasha Parfeni – Soarele şi Luna

Clearly trying to channel the success of Ukraine’s Go-A from a couple of years ago, in their combination of traditional music and techno. There’s a lot worse bands to copy, but the lead singer is no Kateryna Pavlenko. A woman in antlers is insufficient recompense. C+

Netherlands: Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper – Burning Daylight

I’ve had a bit of a kneejerk reaction to the Dutch entries, since Duncan Laurence won it with the genuinely terrible Arcade in 2019. This does nothing to suggest I’m on the wrong track. It’s slightly less aggressively irritating, that’s the best thing you can say about it. D

Norway: Queen Of Kings – Alessandra

The kind of song you can imagine vikings singing as they row into war. If this doesn’t get you clanking your mead goblets together, nothing will. There’s not much to it beyond the hook and a lot of “La-li-la”-ing, yet I liked what it does. B

Poland: Blanka – Solo

There’s an early Britney Spears vibe to this, and it does a very nice job of making Poland look like a lovely holiday destination. Who knew they had so many palm trees? A catchy little ear-worm, though not sure how it’ll translate to Liverpool. B

Portugal: Mimicat – Ai Coração

This one could potentially be a bit of a dark horse. It builds nicely to a show-stopping finish, and I can easily imagine Mimicat giving it full throttle on the stage at Liverpool. Sadly, the odds-makers disagree. I hope they’re wrong. B+

Romania: Theodor Andrei – D.G.T. (Off And On)

They appeared to have selected the hippest maths teacher in Romania, and allowed him to act out his sexual fantasies. Which seem to be based on the movie Showgirls. I’m not going to deny, I was entertained for three minutes and fifteen seconds. C+

San Marino: Piqued Jacks – Like An Animal

“C’mon, baby, come and find me, I can smell you like an animal. Bring the party, Aphrodite, and I’ll tease you on the dancefloor. You have a snake eyes and I get butterflies You have a snake eyes. with the hips, with the sex that could paralyze” No further questions. D+

Serbia: Luke Black – Samo Mi Se Spava

This one struck a nice balance between being weird and listenable, though visually, toppled into the former category towards the end, when the backup dancers with hoses attached to their backs came out, and Mr. Black started giggling manically. B-

Slovenia: Joker Out – Carpe Diem

Every year, I live in hope that Slovenia will just say “Fuck it,” and send Laibach as their entry. And every year, I am sadly disappointed. Instead, we get a forgettable party song: “We’ll be dancing all night long… As if there’s no tomorrow.” OMMMMMM…. D+

Spain: Blanca Paloma – EAEA

I’d like to buy Ms. Paloma a consonant, please. It’s the kind of deeply Spanish singing, where they can’t pick a note and stick with it. It would probably work better in a tapas bar, accompanied by flamenco dancers. Eurovision: not so much. D

Sweden: Loreen – Tattoo

A remarkably heavy favorite, currently given a 50% shot of victory – Finland (20%) is the only other in double-digits. Loreen already won, in 2012, so would join Johnny Logan as the only two-timer. It’s a very solid power ballad, and I’d not be surprised. B

Switzerland: Remo Forrer – Watergun

The voice is at odds with the singer, who looks barely old enough to shave. Certainly, too young to be delivering a rather grim song about body bags and war. Hello, we tune in to Eurovision for escapism from all the harsh realities. D

Ukraine: Tvorchi – Heart of Steel

Last year’s inevitable winners, swept to victory on an inevitable wave of sympathy votes, hardly seem to be trying with this one. It never seems to get going, and feels like a middle eight in search of a song, before it just ends. D

United Kingdom: Mae Muller – I Wrote a Song

It has been 26 years since the UK won, though coming second last year got them hosting rights (the Ukraine being previously booked-up or something). This has a certain Latin feel, a bit at odds with Mae’s Norf London accent, but it’s catchy enough. B-