American Psychos

Trash City witnesses the latest developments in America’s mutant phenomenon

Chris: “America. Land of opportunity. Land of the free. And in the American Southwest, home to a modern marvel. Those who have power misunderstood by mere mortals. Those whose power defies most of the forces of nature – gravity, co-ordination, balance and speech. And all this at speeds up to 75 miles per hour!”

Leo: “The opening of the film X-Men was exciting for me. I got to see the silver-screen realization of a long awaited dream, my favorite superheroes portrayed by actors and armed with eye-popping, computer generated abilities. It occurred to me after I saw the movie, that there are superheroes all around us, in our neighborhoods and in our towns, that we don’t typically pay much attention to.”

Amy:“They don’t have fancy costumes or computer generated powers that dazzle the eye, but if you’re quick, you might catch a glimpse as they perform miraculous feats of mutant coordination…all while driving a car. Presumably on their way to some planet-threatening emergency that only they can avert.”

Chris: “We’re talking about Traffic Superheroes, speed demons who must drive and multi-task at the same time. We’ve all seen them, but we never really realized that the person driving next to us, donning their makeup, drinking their coffee, eating their breakfast (hell, cooking their breakfast!), dressing, speaking on the phone and simultaneously driving, are masters of powers simply beyond our comprehension. My brother, his wife and I have been taking notice of these secret superheroes that are overlooked by the general public (unless they happen to have an encounter of the head-on collision kind with one of them).

Leo: “Some of you, although residing far from here, may recognize these names and descriptions quite vividly from one or more times you have crossed paths with them. For one of their most interesting powers is the ability to be in several places at once, since there have been sightings, at the same moment, thousands of miles apart. It stumps the experts how these creatures have developed hyper-warp, trans-dimensional field travel, but we hope to one day figure that out.”

Amy: “We have decided that it is necessary to expose these superheroes to the world by their true names, in order that the rest of the population can pay homage to these beings, or perhaps just send their lawyer after them. So, in honour of all the mutants out there, who grace our presence daily with displays of super-human coordination near break-neck speed, and unusual activities, here is a partial list of those we have spied in our travels. Maybe you’ve seen them too…”

Breakfast Man Able to eat breakfast, have his coffee, even cook breakfast, then eat it while driving. Is somehow able to eat cereal, drive his car, and even perform U-turns without spilling his milk.

Investment Man The power to have the entire business section of the newspaper spread out in front of him, with a cell phone in his ear, trading stocks over the phone all while barreling down the road at 55 miles per hour.

Turban Man Amazing!! Can drive and wrap nine hundred yards of material around his head. Fortunate, since it was necessary to wait till he was actually in the vehicle and driving in the speed lane to accomplish this. Watch in awe as he spins yards and yards of fabric around his head (Ooops! watch those eyes!), under his chin and across his forehead, never taking his foot off the accelerator, not even once!

Greased Lightning Granny Faster than a speeding golfcart! More powerful than extra-strength incontinence pads! Look out! She’s on the road and no red traffic light holds dominion over her. No stop sign even slows her down. It’s Greased Lightning Granny!

Make-Up Lady Shifting gears is no problem for this on-the-go cosmetic counter attendant (oops! Almost revealed her true identity), as she can accurately apply her make-up (even mascara!) and drive simultaneously.

Brain Surgeon Man We’ve all seen this guy. He must be in front of you in traffic (HE MUST), and he gets highly upset if you don’t let him (HIGHLY UPSET), because of the emergency brain surgery (URGENT!!) that awaits him at the hospital. Which happens to be in the opposite direction. Never mind.

The Picker Breakfast for you will not be the same today. No, no. Maybe not the same for a long time, in fact. The Picker will make certain of that. The Picker is an unusual fellow in that he can change his appearance to look like countless people on the highway. You’ve seen him, although you may not have recognized him. The Picker has the ability to grow his breakfast. You know where. And, while mere normal humans such as ourselves shudder with spontaneous and violent disgust, The Picker knows a good one when he digs it out. We have to look at him and yell… “pick me a winner, asshole!”

The Speed Keeper No matter how far up his ass you insert your front end, The Speed Keeper is in control. He knows that your goal is to go beyond the speed limit. His goal is to save your life from the treacherous perils of velocity by going exactly at the speed limit. Those signs are there for a reason, after all. Those signs are there for our health, contrary to popular belief, Mister! Sometimes The Speed Keeper enlists the help of an accomplice or sidekick, pacing each other in adjacent lanes, to deny everyone the right to be Brain Surgeon Man.

Cell Phone Dude Cell Phone Dude is just way too busy for a single minute to go by. Way too busy!!! He must spend every minute that he’s on the road, on the phone as well. His jet-set lifestyle doesn’t permit him to take a break from telecommunicating. Oh, no…people have to hear from him. And it doesn’t matter if he runs you and half of creation off the road while he’s making that very important call. Those cell phone people must hear from him at all costs! He’s got the best equipment for the job at hand, too. Only the best and fastest for jet-setting Cell Phone Dude.

Knuckles Lives in a retirement community and is approximately 8 million years old, but ventures out every so often to teach us the value of decision-making. Knuckles believes that even though his/her left turn is over ten miles away, they are within their right to keep us waiting for the blessed event. Knuckles will invariably slow right down to make sure that pesky junction doesn’t slip past them, and will typically make the turn from the middle or even right lane. Knuckles also owns the biggest car in the world, and can barely see over the steering wheel.

Rubber-Neck If there’s an accident, Rubber-Neck and his kin want every detail from the scene. Rubber-Neck can’t go more than a few miles per hour as he cranes his neck, trying to get a better view from his vantage point behind the wheel. And though Mrs. Rubber-Neck warns him to keep his eyes on the road (they always marry their polar opposites), Rubber-Neck would be remiss in his duties if he didn’t get every detail…after all, someone may one day ask him about the big accident.

Mrs. Discipline Mrs. Discipline can’t keep her kids from taking off their safety belts, but Has mastered the ability to talk without the need to breathe. Thus, these are the things that she says as she’s disciplining her kids while driving on the road (which, by the way, is the best place to educate them).

  • “WhereisBobbyshappymealtoy?DidyoustealBobbyshappymealtoy?
  • Yougivethatbackthisinstant.Don’tyoubacktalkme.I’mgonnatanyourhide
  • COME’ERE!Sallydon’tbiteyourbrother.
  • Timmydon’ttouchthat,youdon’tnowwhereit’sbeen.
  • Stoppickingatit.It’sgonnagetinfected.Don’tyouspitatme!I’myourmother!
  • Takethatoutofyourmouthrightnow!

Can’t Find It Guy Can’t Find It Guy, just can’t find it. But he’s gonna try his hardest to locate it while he’s driving all over the road right in front of you. Is the brother of…

Kickin’ EQ In The Glove Box Dude Must keep adjusting the levels of ear-shattering volume that his car stereo puts out, ever in search of what the salesman called the “Nirvana Level of EQ Serendipity”. This is the exact combination of channels that his EQ controls, which will produce the perfect sound for every song. Unfortunately, every time he gets close to NLEQS, the song ends and he has to start all over again. Has the EQ cleverly hidden in the glove box (shhh), so thieves won’t know it’s there. If they do break into his car, they’ll never think to look there, cuz who would ever think of putting an EQ in the glove box, anyway? Right?

Chris: “These are just a few. There are many more out there. We have borne witness to all these on the road over the years and are sure there are more, interesting and dangerous examples out there, all over this TC World. We want to know who these people are. Let us know if you’ve seen any, we’d love to add to this list… Expose them.. tell us your Traffic Superheroes stories.”

Chris Fata – North American Ambassador.
Aided and assisted by the Trash City American Eyewitnesses (currently under the TC Witness Protection Program to protect their identities from vengeful Traffic Superheroes for exposing them): Leo Morales & Amy Drake