How to defend yourself against a man armed with a Pekinese

In these violent times, it is important for each citizen to be prepared for an encounter with some psycho thug wielding a baseball bat. So, we at “Trash City” are pleased to present a few hints on how to turn everyday household objects as weapons, taken from “Black Medicine, Volume II – Weapons at Hand” by N. Mashiro Ph.D (Paladin Press).

• “ALARM CLOCK – Any small. appliance like an electric alarm clock can be swung by its power cord in imitation of a medieval mace—and—chain. Strike at the head and face, or let the cord wrap itself around the opponent’s defending arm like a South American bola, then pull him off balance and follow through with a fist or foot attack.”
• “CAT – Have you ever had some inconsiderate person throw a frightened cat at your face? [Well, now you come to mention it, no.] Twenty needle-sharp claws all try to fasten themselves in your skin at once. Even the most battle-hardened warrior is put off his stride by this attack.” And just to show you we’re not biased:”DOG – A loyal dog can be a surprising help in a fight. Even if not attack trained, your quiet little shephard may bare her teeth and charge if someone strikes you… Of course, if you have a toy poodle, it might just be best to grab it by the hind legs and use it as a club.” Is this man serious? Here’s one close to all film—fans hearts:
• “CHAINSAW – A running chainsaw is a weapon no one can stand up to without a gun. Even the noise has an intimidating effect. A chainsaw isn’t quite as effective when it is turned off, but in desperate hands it can still inflct some very ugly wounds. The chainsaw is the modern broad-sword.” Now, should you be stuck down an alley:
• “GARBAGE CAN LID – A garbage can lid is the frisbee of street combat. Obviously useful as a shield, a garbage can lid can also be held by the edge for battering, or thrown like a frisbee into a pursuer’s shins.” There is some humour in the book. Here is an example:
• “LETTER OPENER – Suppose you come home early and find your wife in the arms of another man? This handy item will help you open her male.” Ha, ha, ha. Witty, huh? Want some more? — “One of the more colorful episodes of my karate training occurred when an instructor became confused one day, and finished an explanation with this remarkable statement; “Then you finish him off by slamming your groin into his knee!” Poor advice.” ‘

Hysterical. There was one weapon he forgot to mention though…