Uncut…Unexpurgated…Ungrammatical…Unreadable…It’s time for…

Lino-types!

Picture it, London, April 1993, handsome editor Jim McLennan is talking to loveable Lino……
“Listen, Jim, of course you can trust me.”
“I hope so, I need those reviews as soon as possible”

Ha, what a fool Jim is, it is now November 1993 and I’m only just sitting down to write the reviews! Now it isn’t that I’ve done this on purpose, it’s just that I’ve had other pressing matters on my mind. Don’t you hate it when people resort to threats to get things done, and anyway, Jim, I don’t think it’s physically possible to “Stick your moronic head up your huge arse!”)

Sorry, I think I was getting off the point just a touch, and for that, I apologise.

Right, on with the reviews, as it has been a bit a while since the last reviews, if I have more than one issue of a particular mag I’ll stick the reviews together. And now, if everyone’s up to date and sitting comfortably I’ll begin.

Ohh, My Brain Hurts 9-11……….50p. Three issues eh, three issues Jim, that’s young people for you; issue nine is an anime special and has guest reviews from the likes of Jim McLennan (Hmmmm) and also has reviews of Man Bites Dog, Burial Ground and an article on Drive-In movies. Issue Ten is a McLennan free zone but still has lots in the way of Anime reviews (watch out for that bandwagon!!!), Braindead and a Frank Zappa overview. Issue Eleven takes a look at the short films of Sam Raimi and has reviews of Bullet In The Head and Cinema Of Vengeance (superb video mastering on that movie, i wonder who was responsible!) and some more Anime reviews (Phew, that was close, they managed to jump onto that bandwagon!). Nice work (for the most part) by Madam Auty and his love slaves and for 50p you could do a lot worse.

Jonestown Aloha…………$3? Joshua Wilson, an American, A sick American, and aren’t they the best. Josh has written all you wanted to know about Jim Jones and then written a bit more. His ‘zine came complete with a Jim Jones sticker and packet of Fla-Vor-Aid (Thirsty, Mr. McLennan?); Jonestown Aloha contains a transcript of Jim’s last sermon and some great pictures of his followers. Superb entertainment for the bus or tube!

Gore Gazette 108-109………..$1. Rick Sullivan’s marriage doesn’t seem to have calmed him down any, which is a very good thing, as Gore Gazette still pokes it’s stumpy dick into the eye of the likes of Film Threat and the likes. Issue 108 votes Harvey Keitel as G.G. Man Of The Year for 1992 and has the usual rambling editorial and wide range of reviews (The Distinguished Gentleman???!). Issue 109 charts Gore Gazettes troubles with Russ (Gimme more money) Meyer, as well as re-printing a letter from an irate reader, who berates Rick Sullivan for slagging off Mexican Americans and a funnier letter from a Patrick Bateman who claims that Rick’s marriage is rotting his cock and his mind and who also encloses a wad of tissue complete with sperm! I look forward to the hardback reprint of all 107 issues!

Dementia 13 10-12…………..1.75 & 2.00. Fiction, fiction, fiction fiction, art and fiction. Do you get the message!
Good!
Now buy it!
Ta!

Yutte Stensgaard…….Price Unknown. Mentioned by Jim in the last issue, Tim Greaves takes fan adoration one step further and… [sorry, Lino, you’ve taken so long that this one’s now sold out!]

Madeline Smith……….Price Unknown. Tim Greaves opens up…[and this one, too!]

Mkultra 9………..2.75. Now, listen, I’ve told you all before, I like Mkultra, and this issue’s no exception. It calls itself “A Pure Trash Special”, and it certainly is pretty trashy. Articles range from a Troma retrospective (including a repro of a Troma press sheet) to an article on Dr. Who claiming it to be the definitive trash T.V. programme?!?!! On the way they stop at John Waters, Russ Meyer and a lot more. Editor Andrej Karczewski has gotten rid of the long rambling articles that used to feature in “Mkultra” and in my opinion slowed the whole pace of the ‘zine down. Now my only quibble with it is the cover price, 2.75, for a black & white ‘zine?????

Oh No, Not Another Fanzine! 1……….60p. Oh yes it is, (Ha I just made that up!). “Oh, No…” Is a spoof ‘zine and has a few moments of inspired wit (for a much better read try the ‘zine that appears inside Spencer Hickmans “Psychotic Reaction”, NOW THAT IS FUNNY!). Included in issue one of “Oh, no….” are such delights as interviews with Alfred Hitchcock and reviews of the films “Brains Splattered Everywhere” and “Nightmare on Elm St 7 : It’s Halloween”. Best for me was an ad in the back of the ‘zine which reads as follows:
“Help, I am a new collector, if you are a dealer please send your list to me at 3, Soho Square, Soho, London”!!!!

Sadist 1………….1.75. A comic strip that is well drawn, funny and original? YES, Sadist follows the adventures of Teenscene & Harold Sadist as they smash they’re way across the U.K. in search of random acts of violence. Hang on, doesn’t sexy HRH Princess Mink look awfully familiar? Find out for yourself and track down a copy.

Body Count 2………..1.25. O.K. lets get this out of the way, I HATE POSTERS THAT APPEAR IN FANZINES (unless they’re half naked orientals, eh, Jim!). I HATED THE POSTERS IN “IN THE FLESH” AND THE POSTER IN “BODY COUNT” IS SOME CRAPPY B & W HAND DRAWN (BY A RETARD) ABORTION. Right, now I’ve got that off my chest, “Body Count” #2 contains a section called Prime Cuts which lists differences in various versions of films such as Hellraiser (I & II) and Legend of the Overfiend, and is full of really useful information, for instance, B SKY B are showing films in longer versions than are available on video? Now why didn’t they include more of this AND LESS OF THE SODDING POSTER ARGGGHHHH. Sorry, anyway, there are the usual reviews and BLOODY HELL A PICTURE GALLERY, GOD, DAMN, ARRGGHHH.

The Wild Places 7…………Price Unknown. Shamen, U.F.O.’s, gobblegook, mumbo-jumbo, weirdo’s, geek’s, losers, anoraks….. I could go on, but what’s the point. If you like the supernatural doings buy it, if you like laughing at geeks, watch someone else buy it, follow them home, laugh at them through their windows! [Hmm, didn’t you like it last time, Lino?]

Legend Of The O.V.A. Fiend 1……….1.50. Look in the dictionary, find the word Meglomania, and [as well as discovering how to spell it correctly…] next to it you will find a picture (probably with an inane grin on his face) of Gentleman Jim McLennan. Yes, for he does verily contribute to this new ‘zine. Issue one looks at all manner of things Japanese (Both live action & Anime) and our mate Jim looks at “Lupin”. Can I just pause at this time and say that if I’m getting a bit carried away with mentioning Jim McLennan, it has to be said, that as I’m reviewing fanzines and Jim appears in what seems like all of them it really can’t be helped. Anyway, importing discs & tapes and having them converted is covered in this issue and overviews of Lodoss Wars and more. Written by fanatics for fanatics.

Children Of A Far Greater God 3……….1.50. Now, I like “Married With Children” a hell of a lot, anything that has info. on the show is good news as far as I’m concerned. (I spent a couple of weeks in the U.S. earlier this year and saw the first couple of episodes of the new series, good news is Kelly still appears, but the bad news is that it seems to have lost it’s sparkle). Issue three contains the first part of a complete episode guide and news about all the stars. What it doesn’t have is pictures of Kelly half naked slowly sinking into quicksand, all the time squirming and writhing around in the warm slick goo…………..Sorry. Right, I’m back. LWT, bring back married with children now!

Exploitation Retrospect 35…………..Price Unknown. Looks at muzak and stuff, tedious, American and un-interesting. Don’t bother, get a life instead.

Eidolon………. It says it’s the journal of Australian science fiction & fantasy, and it is, and it’s nice and I like it, and so will you. Thank you.

Great Universal 1,000,000 Prize Bingo…….Free. Just scratch the ‘X’s and win Millions……..Hang on what’s this doing in my bag, JIM!!

Invasion Of The Sad Man Eating Mushrooms….How the bloody hell am i supposed to know which issue it is the covers all bloody well black! Ok? Sorry, got a bit wound up there and I apologise. Anywaydedo “Invasion” has a letters page, including a letter from “Julie Arpino” who spends her time (always assuming this is a real person and not a false front!) Slagging off Spencer Hickman’s Nothing Shocking. Now as much as I’d like to jump into the argument I won’t, I’ll just say that I spent the day before the show with Spencer and he did everything humanly possible to get hold of the films he’d booked, and Julie, if you’re reading, I’m sorry you had such a bad time at the show, but if you think you can do better… Sorry Jim! Anyway “Invasion” covers Buttmans arse and talking of arse’s also covers Clive Barker (draw from this what you will!).

Riot………….40p…..ISSUE FIVE PUNKROCKNOISEREVIEWSERNIE*** CHEAPALRIGHTALRIGHT?

Fax 21 Summer/Winter 2043…………..Money Jim, have I reviewed these already? If I have ignore this, if I haven’t…News stories from the 21st Century, ha, they’re reet funny, HA Jim McLennan, Ha, buy it. Ha ha ha, hee hee hee I’m the laughing gnome and you can’t catch me…Tie me kangaroo down sport……Bibble. Bib.

Datakill 1………..25p. Loud, crowded, hard to read, music, perfect first issue. Avoid.

Fantasynopsis 5…………2.95. I used to be a werewolf, but I’m alright noooooooooo-owwwwwww. HA, HA. That was a joke about werewolves, and #5 of “Fantasynopsis” looks at werewolves and sundry other creepie ghoulie thingies, for instance, Herbert Lom, John Brosnan, Sapphire & Steel and more. Also includes pages & pages of reviews and a in depth interview with Michael Armstrong. One of the better reads available.

Girljock 8…………$3.95. Now, listen careful, I don’t intend to repeat myself, are you ready? O.K. Girljock is a surfing magazine for Lesbians. Issue #8 reviews Cher’s Workout Tape (errrrgghhh) and the cover features a naked lesbian on a surfboard. Why, I’ve got this I don’t know, but, if you’re a lesbian who would like to take up surfing, “Girljock” is the ‘zine for you. I thank you. [I think it’s probably true to say that Lino isn’t the target audience for ‘Girljock’. Readers may insert here their own joke about him surfing; bonus points for originality, wit and not using the words ‘harpoon’ or ‘beached’]

Sanity Sux 17………..$2.00. Now, this is more like it, a fanzine, written and edited by a fourteen year old American girl called Kim Martin (Her best friend is called Missy! HA!). It’s full of drawings of River Phoenix (Ha Ha GBH Ha Ha. lino) and fanzine reviews, and here is the review for issue #12 of “Trash City”: TC is a highly charming British ‘zine, mostly about Japanese culture-related things like Anime and Kung-Fu, but actually there’s not much of a central theme (HA! lino). There’s an article about the Dead Kennedys, excerpts from the Heathers script, a rant about customs, and even movie reviews! (duh, huh,huh!? lino) […and a pint of whatever Lino’s on please…]. Strange but interesting and very cool!

VERY COOL HA, HA, #Jim’s got a girlfriend, Jim’s got a girlfriend# [Jealousy will get you nowhere]. Anyway if you want to phone little Kimmy you can because she’s included her phone number along with this cryptic message:

If you are in a good mood and bored (???lino), then give me a call :1-706-532-XXXX. If 706 doesn’t work, then try 404; they’ve (the thought police?) screwed up out area codes. We leave our answering machine on all the time, so just start talking after the beep. If I’m at home, I’ll answer. PLEASE, NO OBSCENE messages – this is my parents machine & I’ll get in trouble. [yep, I wimped out – if you want to talk to Kim’s machine, you’ll have to write off for the ‘zine! But I know she is keen to hear from Brits, especially those with good audio tape collections…]

Well, there you go, sage words from one so young, and if you’re going to ring young Kim, send her Trash City’s love.

Well that’s really got to be it for this issue, to those I didn’t mention, you should think yourselves very fortunate. I must mention Tim Greaves “Vampyres”…[nope, it’s sold out too]. I have still got half a bag full of fanzines but I’ve simply run out of room and most of the ‘zines are incredibly old.

So, until we meet again, I bid you a fond farewell and hope to catch up with you at Psychotronik Video 18 Hanway Street, London, W1 (Just off Tottenham Court Road) Open 6 days a week. Telephone 071 637 4506. And in the immortal words of Casey (Shaggy) Kasim, “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!”

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[Arrived since the last batch went Lino-wards, or deemed too good for him; ‘Legend of the OVA-Fiend 2’, reviewed above, ‘Animejin’, the ‘official’ replacement for the now defunct Anime UK newsletter, and thus recommendable to anyone who used to get AUK-letter, ‘Veronica Carlson’, a Tim Greaves’ publication with droolworthy pics of said babe, and words too (hopefully, not out of print yet!), ‘Tales From the Cajun Sushi Bar’, highly readable fiction set in the remarkably odd anime multiverse, plus a new ‘Girljock”; I suspect I’m not the target audience either, yet I find it…strangely interesting, regardless of what Lino sez. They may play on the opposite wing, but the goal is still the same i.e. cute babes! But can I find the address? Can I heckaslike!

Also add ‘Strange Adventures’, still appearing with quite alarming regularity – dunno how Tony manages both frequency AND quality, ‘Asylum for Shut-ins’, a impressive collection of high weirdness available by mail (some of which makes TC look normal!), ‘The Hip Dad Look’, definitely high-weird, a 12-page Subgenius cutup rant of imaginatively low-tech, and ‘From the Sublime to the Ridiculous’, which is best described as TC-like in scope (this IS a compliment), with extra added roleplaying game bits…

Now, addresses for the publications mentioned above. Any omissions are because I’m still waiting to get the ‘zines back from Lino. They were last seen heading towards Tony at Psychotronik, who wanted to see if there were any worth stocking… Sigh. Who’d be an editor?]

• Animejin – Jonathan Weeks, 65 The High, Streatham High Rd, London, SW16 1EY.
• Asylum for Shut-ins – PO Box 46581, Bedford, OH 44146, USA.
• Children/Greater God – Miles Wood, 2nd Floor, 221 Ashmore Road, Queens’ Park, W9 3DB
• Dementia 13 – Pam Creais, 17 Pinewood Avenue, Sidcup, Kent, DA15 8BB.
• Fantasynopsis – Paul J. Brown, 1 Bascraft Way, Godmanchester, Cambs, PE18 8EG
• From the Sublime… – Alex Clark, 22 Crimon Place, Aberdeen, AB1 1RX
• The Hip Dad Look – Simon Wood, Fieldside House, London Rd, Blewbury, Oxon, OX11 9NY
• Invasion – PO Box 7, Upminster, Essex, RM14 2RH.
• Ooh My Brain Hurts – Daniel Auty, 9 Andrew Close, Wokingham, Berks, RG11 2HY.
• Sadist – Dom Morris, 32 Spital St, Lincoln, LN1 3EG.
• Sanity Sux – Kim Martin, 3754 Kimberley Drive, Gainesville, GA 30506, USA
• Strange Adventures/Fax 21 – Tony Lee, 13 Hazely Combe, Arreton, Isle of Wight,PO30 3AJ.
• Tales From the Cajun Sushi Bar – Jim Swallow, 21 Wadham House, 12 College Close, Edmonton, London, N18 2XT
• Veronica Carlson – Tim Greaves, 118 High St, Eastleigh, Hants, SO5 5LR.
• The Wild Places – Kevin McClure, 2O Trembear Road, St. Austell, Cornwall PL25 5NY
• Girljock [Hooray!] – Roxatronic Publishing, PO Box 882723, San Francisco, CA 94188-2723
• Jonestown Aloha – Joshua Wilson, 41 7th Ave. 3R, Brooklyn, NY 11217, USA