Written and presented by: Studio Hell City
“Gronk, rumble, rumble . . .”
No, it’s not the sound of a tank, earthquake or free-roaming dinosaur, but the sound of Obakemono1 the giant fridge, stirring from it’s incontinent slumber to announce it’s intention to leak all over the floor again . . .
A typical evening in Japan.
After a long hard day being insulted, verbally abused and generally accused, in the office, I like nothing more than to wring the necks of fluffy little dogs…Sorry! Relax in front of the open fire with a large glass of whiskey and a smallish Irish wolfhound. (You know, the kind that’s big enough to vote.)
But this is Tokyo. Nobody lets gaijins2 near their fluffy little dogs. Open fires are a cause for emergencies as most of the city is wooden. Whiskey costs more than I earn (so does my rent) and a dog that size in Tokyo would be assumed to be a politician or worse…a super-death-god.
Dreams of domestic bliss being otherwise unrealisable, I turn to the chores: reset the video; sort the day’s mound of Laserdiscs and CDs; read the release info for next month and wish it was my own money I was spending. Still, if I order enough Dirty Pair3 box sets, maybe I’ll be able to afford one myself! Dream on . . .
Quick change of subject, ne?
Gaijin anime fans be warned. It’s not all groovy new anime on TV. With an assortment of channels to choose from, such stuff is a rare percentage of the total advertising time available. Besides, why put on anime sponsored by Daiban and those offensive SD Goddamns when you can have another pointless game-quiz-hyper-soap?
At the time of writing (Early July), the worthwhile shows are (V Gundam does not count):
Musekinin Kancho Tyler. Space madness in 26(?) parts. Has he got the alien queen pregnant? Will they win the war against the Rarlgon Empire? What about Yuriko, and Kim Kyonffa? Ends soon, better start saving up for the 13VT/LDs.
From manga — Gokuraku Daisakusen: Ghost Sweeper Mikami (Codename Paradise: GS Mikami, above). Funny? No. Seriously funny? Yes. Ghostbusters move over, Mikami is the delectable detective heroine and the supporting cast is either dead or insane or both. Yu-yu-haksho (Ghost Report). Mindless fighting but it has some redeeming features. One of them is called Botan-chan.
Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon R4. Naoko Takeuchi has a lot to answer for with this vacuous rubbish. If I ever meet her, I’ll ask.
From manga to anime and back — Southern Boy Papua-kun5 is beyond insane. It makes Samurai Pizza Cats look like a documentary on unusable unusual pets. Best witnessed through dark glasses in a sound-proof room. Never, ever admit you watch this or your reputation as a TC fan will be less than zero6.
Stuff that is not worth watching: any of the game shows; Victory Gundam; Iron League7…
The brave readers may like to ask Jim about Midnight Love Story ~ Kiss Me. See if he mentions dominoes. Considering some of the hard-core stuff that he watches, such as the 9 o’clock news, he should have known better than to watch a tape of nothing but vacant cutes in Niki-nikis8. The poor man couldn’t handle it, I bet he doesn’t print this!
Readers of my other articles in such esteemed glossy toilet paper as “Super Play” may think that I’ve sold out to the real world, possibly even for money. Other articles and random madness have appeared in the Anime UK Magazine + Newsletter respectively. However, they are free, like this. That way, if the most esteemed and omnipotent editor doesn’t like what I write, (s)he can just throw it away. I don’t actually write like that in “SP”. What I write gets transmogrified into English, becoming a lot more staid and politically correct. I have no Super Famicom, and rest assured, I will not be buying one. Ever!
Back to the story . . .
Still, back to the subject of an evening’s domesticity in front of an open . . . aircon9? The rainy season is due to finish in mid-July, but at the moment, the tide is in, about half-way up the window. There’s nothing on TV and I have no Irish wolfhound (more’s the pity) to feed the soft fluffy dogs to . . .
There’s nothing to do! (That doesn’t cost money.) Listen to 81.3 J-Wave10, sort out the orders for next months Laserdiscs, slob around in the loudest pyjamas since Palaeozoic11 times and get fat.
It’s true, I’ve gone soft in the head. The wife and I are looking forward to our first child and you, dear readers, are the first to know. She threatened me with some sushi if I tried to call our son something like He-man or She-ra. I expect we’ll end up with something tame like Hanako or Sakura if it’s a girl and Taro or Akira if it’s a boy.
So this is what married life is all about? I hear the fridge gronking again, it appears to have wet itself . . . Good night.
This original text is © by Peter Evans/Studio Hell City, and may not be printed, copied or distributed in any part or form without the permission of the author. Note: Receiving this does not imply the author has granted the aforementioned permission.
Disclaimer: We the writers, naturally, reserve the right to be wrong, incorrect and grossly inaccurate. Particularly in the rendering of names, titles and the like into Romanji (English text). While we do strive for accuracy we are not perfect. We cannot be held responsible for any life threatening consequences arising from the use or mis-use of the information in this article.
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- The successor being “The decidedly unclean trio”. This little box will set you back 56000 Yen and contains nine discs.
- Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon R. Technically, probably something like “Lovely girl warriors”…
- I think this is “Minami-kuni Shonen Papua-kun”
- Oops, there goes my credibility
- Football animals! Barf.
- In order of surface area covered: space-suit, suit, nightie, swim-suit, bikini, niki-niki, birthday suit. Get the idea?
- Air-conditioner: device for making life bearable in summer. Where are you going for your summer holiday? I’m going to Daicon in Osaka [Er, and he did – Belated editor]
- Best radio station in the world. All right, it’s the only FM station that I can get. It speaks English part of the time, so it has to be good.
- Trivia time. The dinosaurs died out because they were allergic to the loud colour schemes of the mammals. The pyjamas are so garish that not only do I need a blindfold when wearing them, but I have to keep the curtains shut and wear ear-defenders.