Teach Yourself Customs-speak

What they say

What they mean

HM Customs & Excise –
enforcing your return to Victorian morals.

“Bad Luck! This package just met the Dover Customs Casuals! Previously, we could do what we liked to it without giving a damn. Now. thanks to the Citizen’s Charter. things are different. We still do what we like, but now have to pretend we care, hence this patronising little note. Insincerities aside, we chose to spend our time, and therefore your money, shredding this parcel, hoping for something juicy to watch on our next get-together. Unfortunately, the contents were entirely innocent. We sat through the whole damn film, praying for something that would let us send a lynch mob to ransack your home without a warrant, but found nothing to offend even our squeaky clean sensibilities. This time. you’re lucky. But order anything warmer than a Disney movie, and we’ll be up your ass like a polecat on heat. We’ll be watching…”