We recently moved offices, a process fraught with difficulty and enormous logistical problems such as finding a decent sandwich shop, convenient Post Office and cheap stationer. While engaged in these, I came across a CLC bookshop. Now, I had no idea what CLC stood for, so innocently entered, freely and of my own will. Within seconds, I’d realised my error – I still had no idea what the last letter meant, but I realised the first two stood for ‘Christian Literature’.

Resisting the urge to projectile vomit, I explored. Beyond wall-to-wall Bibles in every format possible, I found a crock of wonders collected under ‘New Christianity’. That’s “new” as in “new man” and “new Coca Cola”, i.e. ‘irreparably screwed up’. I heartily recommend any reader needing a good laugh to locate their nearest CLC bookshop and lay out a little money – a very little money, in fact, as their subsidised nature means you get a lot of paranoia for your pennies.

We’ve covered some New Christian beliefs previously, but just as you won’t find wild porn in W.H.Smith’s, it seems that the best, juiciest, hard-core religious rants only appear in “specialist” shops. I have quite enough material for an entire series of articles. You have been warned…

“Dancing With Demons – The Music’s Real Master”
Jeff Godwin, Chick Publications, 7.95, pp.352.

“Unrepentant agnostic, convicted drug smuggler, pro-homo dopehead and powerful prophet of a generation’s immorality”. Which pop star does Mr. Godwin describe in these glowing terms? Madonna? Prince? Ozzy Osbourne? No. Difficult though it may be to believe, it’s actually that well-known Satanist…Paul McCartney.

Yes, the man who wrote perhaps the anthem to Beelzebub, ‘Mull of Kintyre’. For according to Jeff, it’s not that some rock music is satanic, or can unduly influence young people. “The vast majority of today’s popular music is pure praise and worship directed towards the Greek god Pan, and his ultimate master – Satan”. Consider the implications: Betty Boo, Take That, Kylie Minogue, all in league with the devil. Worryingly plausible.

Indeed, he even quotes Bananarama – “I’m your Venus, I’m your fire, your desire” – and follows up with the solemn assertion, which I quote directly and unaltered, that “in the occult, Venus, the “bright morning star”, is another name for Lucifer. This nightmarish picture of burning souls trapped in a world aflame is blaring from millions of stereos all across America. Each one is an altar to Satan, dripping with the doctrines of devils”.

Apparently, rock music is “rooted in the Druid demon worship of Celtic England and baptised in voodoo ceremonies of Africa and the Caribbean”. Most of the rest of the book is taken up with supporting the point by extracts from songs and quotations from interviews which “prove” that Satan is behind these people. This is not difficult with people like Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister, but where the book gets more amusing is when he sinks his teeth into people like McCartney, or Tina Turner. She gets pilloried for, among many other sins, her choice of jewellery in “Mad Max 3”. “To those in the occult, wearing an ankh shows that you have given up your virginity and take part in sexual orgies”. Ah.

Vitriol is also heaped on Daryl Hall (homosexuality and satanism), Stevie Nicks (witchcraft) and Madonna (three guesses. Her section sounds like it was written by Anthony Perkins on the set of ‘Crimes of Passion’: “smeared, brazen picture of a street-wise harlot”, etc, etc). Then he turns his attention to rap, and we get the following very interesting paragraph, with regard to the cover of LL Cool J’s “Radio” LP, and Cool J’s hands in particular:

“They are in very odd positions. He is “signing”, or calling up demons. Superstar Prince also uses signing on his 1986 “Parade” album cover. Most of today’s rock videos are full of these manual incantations. I once sat through six hours of non-stop MTV. At least half the videos I watched contained witchcraft signing! This is not rock dancing, it’s the literal calling up of demons”.

After a chapter on the film “Trick or Treat” – 99.9% more than it deserves, or is going to get here – he talks about two “especially rotten” groups. Bet you can’t wait to find out who…

He means Whitesnake and Heart. Bit of a disappointment, despite claims that “there is more about David Coverdale & Whitesnake…but it can not be printed”. But happily, Tawny Kitaen is mentioned, as Coverdale’s wife: “What a ‘coincidence’ that Kitaen has also appeared in an occult film called ‘Witchboard’ about demonic manifestations called up through a ouija board. Her sex-soaked ‘acting’ has lust-witch written all over it”. Well, I wouldn’t have said she was that good. I can only presume Jeff hasn’t seen “Gwendoline”, or Tawny would be burning at the stake…

Next in the firing line is the New Age movement. Now, I’ll admit they have their faults – I have some sympathy with another Christian book that claimed vegetarianism was the work of the Devil – but comparing them to Nero, Karl Marx and Hitler is, well, giving them more credit than they deserve. John Lennon gets a lot of flak in this chapter (what has this guy got against The Beatles?), as does Live Aid, though the impact is deflected somewhat by a reference to “David St. Hubbins of the Heavy Metal group Spinal Tap”, with no detectable irony whatsoever.

Then there’s a surprising section in which he attacks even the Christian Rock acts, such as Stryper, for hypocrisy, pride, timidity(?), and barely stops short of accusing them of sacrificing virgins. Only barely; he makes the relatively valid point that the title of Stryper’s LP, “To Hell With the Devil” can mean opposite things, depending on whether you stress “Hell” or “With”. I do agree that people should be dissuaded from listening to these groups, albeit for the simple reason that they are uniformly naff.

The final commentaries are the most worrying, as it’s there that he describes what he considers to be “truly” Christian music. Know what it sounds like? Melody FM.

“You can reject it if you choose, but when you stand before the Lord on Judgement Day, don’t say you weren’t warned”.

Thanks for the tip, Jeff, but on the whole, I think I’ll take my chances that God is a Ministry fan. Now, where did I put that ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’ CD…