High Weirdness by Mail

This letter column is brought to you courtesy of four pints of IPA bitter and a box of home-made cookies. Let’s start with the random abuse.

David Thomson, Newcastle – “You’re talking bollocks again, I’m afraid [Again? Again? Oh, the ‘Scarecrows’ review.]. I loved this and I think it’s by far the most inventive horror film I’ve seen for at least, oooh, five years. Did you see it in a cinema or on video? I saw it at an all-nighter at my local cinema and thought at the time how much weaker it would be on video”.

I can quite believe it was better at the cinema – it would have been hard pushed to be worse. Things that work in THX sensurround Dolby often don’t on 22″ of glass at home, and this film must be one of them. Further disagreement, over the talents of Christopher Lee:

Mick Slatter, Crawley – “I personally think Lee’s talents as an actor are screamingly overrated; a cultivated voice and the ability to put on a half decent foreign accent do not a thespian make…I must correct you for the dialogue by Lugosi in ‘I Changed My Sex’. He doesn’t say “Beware, beware, beware…” he says “bevare, bevare, bevare”. Although I laughed with everyone else, I felt a bit sorry for Wood as I’m sure he was quite sincere”.

Paul Higson, Chorley – “‘Eat Them Alive’ also had me chuckling. Have you read ‘Keller: The Cannibal’ – I have planned to run a list of the best quotes/sarcasm in a future ‘Bleeders Digest’…trapped in tunnels in Vietnam, Kondor a forgotten soldier is alone, but others (Vietcong) are trapped too: “The candle went out and the eating stopped. Kondor heard a man snoring. Then what sounded like a burp. A burp. My God. He covered his face and wept.” John Martin’s favourite line from it is “You fuck. You stupid anthropophagist””.

Paul Kevern of Blandford must have written something interesting as his letter is in the pile, but I’m damned if I can find out what. “I enclose œ1 for TC7” seems to have been underlined in red… Andy Waller, Bromsgrove describes himself as “a difficult guy to satisfy” and says “the front [of TC6] is really a blatant and unapologetic salute to sexism”, a phrase that rings bells for some reason – fortunately, he continues “It’s a total knockout”. Phew.

Glyn Williams, Derby – “The Roadrunner article was a little gem…It would have been fair, however, to make at least a brief mention of Michael Maltese who actually wrote so many of the Roadrunner scripts”. Fair comment. It’s easy to forget that there was an awful lot more to the scripts than ‘Beep Beep’!!

Mikael Bomark, Sweden – “The Godzilla series showing on English TV sound just too fucking wild!!!!!! Can you tell me which episodes you have taped???? If you taped any?? sure you did, Jim. Got to have taped some….PLEASE!!!”.

Er, well actually, I recorded none of them, Friday nights being reserved for the TC weekly drool-over-Oriental-girls-in-PVC-miniskirts outing down the local Goth-pit, but I’m sure some of our readers will have done so. Mikael’s address is in the ‘zines section and you would, I’m sure, receive his eternal gratitude and list of tapes… Continuing themes from previous issues:

Cathy Barwick, Cambridge, while in hospital – “One of the nurses went to work in King’s Lynn and nursed NK during the filming of ‘Revolution’ – she couldn’t say why NK was there, but said she wasn’t very nice. Sorry to disappoint you, tho’ I doubt you’ll allow her opinion to alter yours!”.

Quite correct.

Steve Moss, Chessington – “I read of a Swedish band called To’emn Skr’umn (or summit like that) who allegedly had a song which included seven verses in ‘slightly less than one second’. No sign in this TC of the story of Sinead O’Connor and the vacuum cleaner – but enough about my fantasies”.

Yes, more than enough – you’ll notice, Steve, it didn’t make it into this issue either… And to finish off with, more evidence that TC is walking a very thin line comes from these two letters, which arrived in the same post :

  • Andrew McGavin, Liverpool – “Nightmares 6 contained the usual quota of hilarious one-liners. You should give it four pages instead of just two”.
  • Sunil Ranmal, Leicester – “The two stories you printed were crap – don’t do it again”.

One man’s crap is another man’s hilarious, or some such phrase. The biscuits are gone, the letters pile is empty and the IPA is wearing off. More random jottings next time.