High Weirdness by Mail

This letter column is brought to you under the influence of some industrial strength throat lozenges, though I’m feeling a lot better since I phoned into work and told them I wouldn’t be coming in today… Let’s start with other things clearly written under the influence of something…

Ronan Farrell, Drogheda, Eire – We just had our presidential elections the other day – I voted for a puppet that appears on kids’ television over here. He’s a turkey and his name’s Dustin Hoffman and he appears with two others called Zig and Zag. This  isn’t  what you think, they really are brilliant, not like that stupid fucking duck of Gordon the Goper [???] you have over there. These three get away with murder, their humour is better than Python at it’s best. Dustin was running for president and was going to change the National Anthem to Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”. I can’t do them justice here, next time you meet a Paddy emigrant over there, ask him/her about Zig and Zag and Dustin. Unless they’re humourless bastards, they’ll be able to fill you in on how dangerously funny they are.

Pete Sheppard, London – What do the letters ACME stand for in the Roadrunner cartoons? I have seen one of them in which the full name was given and thought “Ah, that’s what they stand for”. Unfortunately, that’s all I remember (all I remember about ACME that is, I can remember loads of other stuff like my name, date of birth, etc…).

Andy Allard, Hull – You have my vote on a T shirt…How about a pic of her [Wendy James] and Winona Ryder (who I personally thought was fucking gorgeous in ‘Great Balls of Fire’ when Dennis Quaid takes her cherry at the age of 13) in some form of lesbian sex act? How about Miss Ryder, legs splayed with Wendy going down on her and lots of love juices flying all over the place? If you go for that idea, put me down for half a dozen before the respective lawyers take you for every penny you’ve got.

Mick Slatter, Crawley – It seems we’re fated to disagree on just about everything… I hated the Guinness ads, loved ‘Carnival of Souls’ and was singularly unimpressed with ‘Miracle Mile’, but the worst is yet to come. Steel yourself, ‘cos in all honesty I ner liked Ms.Kinski, sorry, she just does nothing for me, though her father is sexy as hell [???]. Linda Blair and Claudia Christian are my kinda girls (just to give you some ammunition for revenge). By the way I don’t have two heads, but I do have three tongues.

Tim Paxton, Oberlin, Ohio – Loved Trash City, especially what’s her name on the back cover – Mark E. Smith’s ex, right? I can’t recall her name, I even have some of her records. Of course, my imagination could be running away with me.

That was Nastassja Kinski, Tim – the letter bomb’s in the post. As usual, people have kindly [grits teeth] been filling in gaps in the filmographies in TC6.

Dan Pydynkowski, Danvers, USA Monique Gabrielle has appeared in: Electric Blue 32, 33, 35, Return of Swamp Thing, Love Scenes, Fantasies: Romantic Moves (2 vignettes), The Big Bet, Playboy’s Private Party Jokes, Young Lady Chatterly 2, Chained Heat [+Sybil in these 2], Hollywood Erotic Film Festival (“He Believes” segment), Penthouse Video:Penthouse Love Stories (2 vignettes), Cheap Trick video “Up the Creek”, Transylvania Twist and Silk 2. And she was a centrefold in ‘Playboy’ – Dec.82, I think.

Julian Grainger, Yalding, Kent – As to the Hauer films, the most obvious omission is the M.Caine/S.Poitier movie ‘The Wilby Conspiracy’ – 1975.

Glyn Williams, Derby – The filmography has omitted a 1974 German soft-porn movie called ‘Dandelions’ in which Hauer played “a cold, sadistic leather boy in search of his fantasy girl”. The film stayed buried until 1987 when it was dubbed into English and released in the US to cash in on his success with ‘The Hitcher’… I found Andrew McGavin’s horror cliches amusing, although I’m sure there are plenty of others…

— a) The opening minutes of the film show massive Stalk ‘n’ Slash carnage in which the entire cast are apparently disposed of, even before the opening titles have appeared. And then there’s the inevitable out of shot cry of ‘Cut!’ and the camera pulls back to show that we’ve been watching the action taking place on a filmset. This, of course, means that all of the cast have the opportunity to die twice during the film.

— b) The heroine is suddenly confronted by a man with a gun. As her eyes grow wider, he slowly raises the gun, points it at her head and – BANG! Behind, the girl a snake, poised to strike, explodes.

— c) Girl trying to escape from the killer desperately hides in a wardrobe, under a bed, inside a rickety old outhouse, etc. As the killer draws near, the body of a minor cast member (who disappeared from the action half an hour ago) slowly topples out of the surrounding shadows…

— d) Girl kills killer. Girl has to step over bullet-riddled form of obviously dead body. Hand grips ankle.

…I will, however, leap to the defence of Ms Kinski: if she wasn’t very nice during the filming of ‘Revolution’ [letters, TC7], it was probably because (a) she wasn’t very well and (b) she was probably aware that she was involved with a major cinematic turkey which wasn’t going to do her career any good at all.

And finally, evidence sanity has returned to at least one of our readers.

Ronan Farrell – P.S. Jesus, I can’t believe I wrote that bit about Zig and Zag!