The Trash City Diet

Ah, that time of year once more, after the summer holiday pig-out, yet before the pig-out which is Christmas. You look at yourself in the mirror and think, “Better go on a diet”. Easier said than done. Diets are hell, and anyway, your body knows best what’s good for it — even if that involves an entire cheesecake, straight from the freezer. Go with your body. But for those who need some kind of regulation, we proudly present the TC diet. You may not actually lose any weight on it, but it’ll certainly be a damn sight easier to follow than anything involving large quantities of yoghurt. The absence of guilt thus enjoyed will also be far more beneficial to your health than trying to reach some weight loss target supplied by a hyper-active TV presenter….

Breakfast 08:00

  • 1 grapefruit
  • 1 slice whole wheat toast
  • 8 oz skimmed milk

Lunch 12:30

  • 1 tin vanilla flavour SlimFast
  • 1 McVities chocolate digestive

Mid-afternoon Snack 12:35

  • rest of packet of digestives
  • 2 bags crisps
  • 3 Mars bars (or equivalent)
  • Bacon and sausage torpedo

Supper 18:00

  • 2 pork pies
  • 1 pepperoni pizza (family size)
  • 4 cans beer
  • 6 packets Doritos

Late Evening Snack 22:30

  • Large doner kebab and chips

Rules for use:

  1. If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. Drinking diet Coke with it negates the calories.
  3. When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
  4. Food eaten for medical purposes should be ignored. Examples include: hot chocolate, brandy, buttered toast and Alabama Chocolate Fudge Cheesecake.
  5. If you eat with a person fatter than you, you lose calories. The exact process still mystifies science, but follows the Newtonian principle that large bodies attract smaller ones toward them. This leads to a gravitational pull upon the smaller body’s calories.
  6. Small pieces contain less calories. Hence, instead of eating a chocolate bar whole, eat it in little pieces and you take in fewer calories. The process of breaking causes ‘calorific leakage’.
  7. Film-related foods have no calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not one’s own personal fuel.
  8. Foods with the same colour have the same calories e.g. mushrooms and white chocolate.
  9. Bear in mind the common misprint on many packets — where it says ‘serves two’ , it actually should read ‘serve two’. This applies especially to ‘Weight Watcher” meals where any normal person needs at least three for a decent helping. Remember, only count one set of calories!
  10. Remember, if it tastes good, it probably does you good.


Anyone who is embarking on any slimming diet especially if pregnant, nursing, has a health problem, or wants to lose more than 40 pounds or more than 20% of their starting body weight should consult a doctor before starting this or any weight-loss programme. SlimFast should not be used as your sole source of nutrition; eat one balanced meal a day. As with any high-fibre diet it is important to drink at least 6-8 glasses of water, black tea, coffee or low calorie drinks each day. This diet can help slimming or weight control only as part of a calorie-controlled scheme. Store in a cool, dry place.