Section 1 : Spot the Quotes

Take a bow, Michael Gingold of ‘Scareaphanalia’ for getting 8 right. Also take a bow, the entrant who failed to get any right at all, but gained bonus points for imagination…

1. “Wake up – time to die!” – 40% right
   Correct answer : “Blade Runner”
   Best alternative : “The Toxic Avenger”
2. “I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf!” – 60%
   Correct answer : “An American Werewolf in London”
   Best alternative : “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” [ think about it! ]
3. “I cut off his legs. And his arms. And his head. And I’m going to do the same to you” – 60%
   Correct answer : “The Hitcher”
   Best alternative : “Re-Animator”
4. “I don’t know what the hell’s in there, but it’s weird and pissed off whatever it is!” – 40%
   Correct answer – “The Thing”
   Best alternative – From a documentary, by the policeman outside 10 Downing Street…
5. “No tears please – it’s a waste of good suffering” – 50%
   Correct answer – “Hellraiser”
   Best alternative – “Argh! Like #1 this is as familar as hell!”
6. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, they’re opening up their wrists” – 60%
   Correct answer – “Gremlins”
   Best alternative – “Santa Claus, The Movie”
7. “Couldn’t enjoy it any more, Mum. Mmmm-mm-mmmm” – 0%!
   Correct answer – “Repo Man” [OK, it was a bit of a personal joke!]
   Best alternative – “Re-Animator” again; the cut scene involving Barbara Crampton and Dr Hill’s severed head, or “Psycho 2” or “Rabid Grannies” or “Pink Flamingoes”.
8. “Don’t you fucking look at me!” – 40%
   Correct answer – “Blue Velvet”
   Best alternative – “Manon des Sources” [an explanation of this one would be appreciated!]
9. “Although we may run out of Pan-Am coffee, we’ll never run out of TWA tea” – 0%!
   Correct answer – “Crimes of Passion” [Kathleen Turner, dressed as an air-hostess]
   Best alternative – “The Railway Children” [and this one!]
10. “We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw – does that sound ‘fine”?” – 30%
    Correct answer – “Evil Dead II”
    Best alternative – “Heathers”

Special no-prize for the best non-answer goes to Glyn Williams, whose response to #9 was:

“A line from the forthcoming ‘Airport 90’ in which 700 passengers are trapped at Heathrow Airport by a French air traffic controller’s strike (see also ‘Airport 85’, 86, 87, 88 and 89). Within hours, the catering manager, played by Arthur Kennedy, starts to run out of refreshments and only a daring mid-motorway transfer of coffee from the Newport Pagnell service station (closed) prevents unrest. Charlton Heston plays the called out of retirement coffee-truck driver, Linnea Quigley plays the bubble headed air-hostess who falls for Chuck’s charms, Nastassja Kinski plays a singing nun (lynched by passengers in reel 2) and Marlon Brando plays a jumbo jet.”

At the bottom is a scribbled note, “I’ve just got the TWA-T joke!”….

Section 2 : Part-time employment

Given 10 famous people (someone didn’t know who Jim Bakker was), the entrants supplied suitable screen roles, providing interesting insights into their psychology…

1. Wendy James (lead singer, Transvision Vamp)

Beyond the expected comments about home-made videos, the two best or at least most intriguing suggestions were the title-roles in ‘Annie’ or the combined sequel to ‘Dumbo’ and ‘Bambi’: ‘Bimbo’.

2. Jim Bakker (ex-TV evangelist, now serving a very long jail sentence)

The perverse Jesus Christ-like figure in ‘God Told Me To’ or Elvis’ role in ‘Jailhouse Rock’

3. Mikhail Gorbachev (leader of the Soviet disUnion)

At least one contestant got a little confused here and swapped his answers to #3 and #4 round – at least I hope so, or his suggestion of “the woman who beats up all the surfers in ‘Surf Nazis Must Die'” is very worrying. Mind you, the alternatives of Leatherface or a role in ‘Auf Ghanistan Pet’ don’t indicate much better states of mind.

4. Gabriella Sabatini (nubile advertising hoarding)

More semi-deviant ideas, the best one being Bo Derek’s role in “10(is)”. The bad news is she’s already booked for “Gabi Does Dulwich”. “A paper-clip” and “a dead donkey in ‘Un Chien Andalou'” do not bear thinking about.

5. David Gower (English cricketer, though I use the term ‘cricketer’ loosely)

A wide selection : The Toxic Avenger, Pee Wee Herman or in any vampire movie. “an entertaining but inevitably short-lived appearance as a (middle order) bat”.

6. Salman Rushdie (Satan incarnate)

Surprisingly, only one entry went for The Invisible Man. Rambo’s testicle was suggested as being “nicely inconspicuous” but the best suggestion was “any movie which requires a nice, busty blonde…”

7. Edwina Currie (Conservative MP. For the moment…)

The eggman in ‘Pink Flamingoes’? “With a little more cleavage”, Elvira? The Wicked Witch of the West? Cruella de Ville? Attila the Hen? Who cares any more?

8. Kate Adie (BBC TV’s #1 news reporter)

I’ve had a lot of respect for her for a long time, ever since a Panorama programme on violence on TV which was the best investigation of it I’ve seen. So had the entrants, with the suggestions being mainly complimentary : She-Ra, Princess of Power, Karen Silkwood and, probably most plausibly of all, replacing Sigourney Weaver as Ripley in ‘Alien’ and ‘Aliens’.

9. Bob Monkhouse (game-show host and Mr Sincerity)

No respect here. Norman Bates was the least libellous, ahead of the evil ventriloquist’s dummy in ‘Magic’ [look at the video – the resemblance is striking!] and Fuad ‘Blood Feast’ Ramses. Vitriol prize: ‘The first victim who appears only briefly before being offed extremely bloodily and painfully’.

10. Pamella Bordes (bimbo of the year, 1989)

Oddly, two suggestions were for biographical films: one, replacing Julie Walters in ‘Personal Services’ and the other to play Mary Whitehouse… “The snake-woman in ‘Lair of the White Worm'” probably falls somewhere in between!

And there it is. The three contestants all wanted different videos so I declare the competition a triple tie between Andy ‘Surf Nazis’ Waller, Glyn ‘She’ Williams and Simon ‘Satan’s Dog’ Wood. Thanks also to Michael Gingold and Paul Higson for entering, even though they couldn’t win anything, and to Psychotronic Videos for taking the unclaimed prizes off my hands and giving me an original of ‘Videodrome’ instead! I’m acquiring bad videos and good quotes at a steady rate, so there’ll be another competition sometime. You’ve been warned…