The ultimate conspiracy theories take individual, seemingly disparate, topics and link them together to form a web of intrigue so dense that nothing can be considered as beyond it’s grasp. Step up, Milton William Cooper, a chief proponent of a line of thought that takes in individual plots as diverse as Kennedy’s assassination, aliens from another world, the CIA’s drug running and the fall of the Soviet Union, and combines them all into an interesting schema.The following is a transcript of a talk given by Cooper in Los Angeles on November 17th 1989. I’ve edited it to achieve a more coherent form – partly because what works in speech doesn’t always work on paper, partly because Cooper exhibits a tendency to deviate into other areas. Fascinating though his tales from Vietnam, descriptions of Hawaiian scenery and details of how the FBI award security classifications are, they don’t bear much relevance to the matter in hand.

“As a child, I’d heard stories from my father (my father was a pilot) about Foo Fighters, UFO’s, strange craft that were not made on this Earth. And as a kid, you hear that in passing, and it’s neat, and you giggle about it, and you go out and play “Spaceman”, and you forget it. When I was in the Air Force, I met men who had participated in alien recoveries. Now this intrigued me, it interested me, but it was usually after quite a few bottles of beer that these stories would come out, and sometimes the next morning I couldn’t remember what the heck the guy said.

“When I left the Air Force, I went into the Navy…I was assigned to the Intelligence Briefing Team of the Commander in Chief of the United States Pacific Fleet, who had to know everything concerning his area of operations, which was one half of the Earth’s surface – the Indian Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, and all the land masses in between.

“Eventually, I found myself…holding two documents; one called ‘Project Grudge’, another one called ‘Operation Majority’. Project Grudge contained the history of alien involvement since around 1936, and it began [by] talking about Germany’s involvement with a crashed disk that they had recovered in 1936 and were attempting to duplicate….If they had been successful, we would not have won the war, because you can not beat these weapons. You can not outfly these craft, you can’t even think about it with conventional aircraft.

“They did make some headway. When we went into Peenemunde, we captured documents, we got some scientists, we got some hardware. The Russians also got some documents, some scientists and some hardware. It wasn’t until 1947 that we were able to capture a craft, a whole craft, not all together but it was everything. And that occurred near the city of Roswell, New Mexico. There were dead aliens recovered from the craft. In Project Grudge I saw photographs of these dead aliens, of the craft. I saw photographs of live aliens, I saw photographs of autopsies, internal organs, I saw photographs of the alien designated E.B.E 0 which was held in captivity from 1949 until June the 2nd, 1952 when he died. I saw the history of what they had been able, at that time, to put together, from incidents in the 1800’s which involved aliens and their craft.

“I saw a project that was to fly recovered alien craft that had been recovered intact and undamaged…how that happened, I have no idea. It was called ‘Project Red Light’ and first was conducted from the Tonopah test range in the Nevada test site and then was moved to a specially built area, ordered built by President Eisenhower, called Area 51, code named ‘Dreamland’ in the Groom dry lake area…by secret executive order. It doesn’t exist officially: if you ask anyone, or if you write letters to the government, they will tell you it doesn’t exist.

“The project to…test fly these craft was ongoing until sometime in 1962, when a craft blew up not far from the test site, in the air, and the explosion was seen over a three state area, the pilots were killed. They had no idea what had happened or why the craft blew up, but they put Project Red Light on hold until a later date when the aliens supplied us with three craft and personnel to help us fly these craft. That project is ongoing and we now have not only alien craft that we are flying, we have craft that we have built using the captured technology, and some of the UFOs that people report seeing in the United States, and maybe even elsewhere, are flown by United States personnel.

“Professor [James] Oberth was probably one of the greatest rocket scientists…that ever lived. When he retired, the government gave him a special award, there was a press conference, all kinds of ceremony, and when he got up to speak he said…and I quote Professor Oberth, “Gentlemen, we cannot take credit for all the technological developments that we have had in the past decade. We have had help”…One of the reporters raised his hand and said “Professor Oberth, can you tell us what other country helped us?”. He said, “It was those little guys from out in space”, and then he got down and would not comment any further.

“The first moon landing was May the 22nd, 1962 – oh, excuse me, that was the first landing on Mars…The first time we landed on the moon was sometime during the…middle 50’s because at the time when President Kennedy stated that he wanted a man to set foot on the moon by the end of the decade, we already had a base there.0

“I will tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that there are all kind of things going on all the time, we are making rapid progress in exposing this. Since I have begun talking, people have begun coming out of the woodwork at a rapid rate…and are helping us to put it together, because I don’t have all the answers. I saw an awful lot of material, I have remembered an awful lot of it,, I have probably, in my remembering, made some mistakes, but I guarantee you they’re minor ones, if I have.

“You know, there’s really nothing wrong with what’s been happening, except for three things. Number one, when thhey decided to keep it secret, they needed to finance it. They couldn’t tell the public, so they couldn’t tell Congress – they decided to finance it with the…importation and sale of drugs. Now, in the documents that I read, in Operation Majority, it specifically stated that when George Bush was the president and CEO of Zapata Oil, he, in conjunction with the CIA, organised the first large scale drug importation into this country from South and Central America by fishing boat, to the offshore oil platforms of Zapata Oil, and then from there onto the beach, thus bypassing all Customs inspection and law enforcement inspections of any kind. They are still bringing in drugs, to a limited extent, in this manner.

“Another manner is by CIA contract aircraft…one of their bases of landing is Homestead Air Force Base in Florida. We have affidavits from air controllers who have vectored the planes in, who have made sure they’re not interfered with in any way. We have affidavits from personnel at Homestead Air Force Base who say the planes have been met by Zeb Bush, who is George Bush’s son. We have affidavits from people who work in the Gulf of Mexico, in the offshore oil business, that yes, indeed, the drugs are coming in, at least some of them, from the offshore oil-platforms.”The next thing that’s wrong is, to keep the secret they killed a lot of people who tried to leak it out. And if I hadn’t done it the way that I did it, you wouldn’t be seeing me anywhere standing or walking on this Earth now.

“They killed President Kennedy…Between ’70 and ’73, in Operation Majority it stated verbatim that President Kennedy ordered MJ-12 to cease the importation and sale of drugs to the American people, that he ordered them to implement a plan to reveal the presence of aliens to the American people within the following year. His assassination was ordered by the policy committee of the Bilderbergers0. MJ-12 implemented the plan and carried it out in Dallas, it involved agents of the CIA, Division 5 of the FBI, the Secret Service and the Office of Naval Intelligence.

“President Kennedy was killed by the driver of his car, whose name was William Greer. He used a recoil-less, electrically operated, gas-powered assassination pistol specially built by the CIA to assassinate people at close range. It fired an explosive pellet that injected a large amount of shellfish poison into the brain and that is why in the documents it stated that President Kennedy’s brain was removed0…The reason for that is so… they would not find the particles of the exploding pellet or the shellfish poison in his brain, which would have proved conclusively that Lee Harvey Oswald was NOT the assassin.

“The Soviet Union and the United States have been close allies since the end of World War II and have been closely participating in the secret space program all this time…What you see happening in the Soviet block right now is not the result of people standing up and saying, “We want to be free”, it’s the result of the international bankers saying, “You tear down these barriers and you meet the West half way, give your people some freedom, the West is gonna take some freedom away from their people so that we can put together a one-world economic system and have all the power. That’s what’s happening! If you don’t believe it, sit around and watch it!”

These last sentences do ring some rather disquieting bells these days, judging by the presence of McDonald’s in Red Square, for example. If even 10% of the above is true, it certainly puts a new, very sinister slant on Bush’s much vaunted “new world order”…

ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. SAWYER’S BACKYARD
DAWN.

Elegaic music murmurs as three—female and barefoot PAIRS OF LEGS in skirts break from tableau to gently engage in croquet. A blue mallet hits a blue ball through a wicket, a green mallet knocks a green ball, and a yellow mallet pushes forward a yellow ball, all in enticing syncopation.

Suddenly a red ball rockets through the dew covered grass and hits the green ball. The LEGS all stop moving as a FOURTH PAIR OF LEGS, this one in stylish shoes and stockings, marches to the red ball and steps on it. A red mallet it brought down hard on the red ball causing the adjacent green ball to thunder out of view. The Pair of Legs manoeuvring the green ball departs. This process of elimination is grimly repeated with the yellow ball and yet again with the blue ball.

However, when the BLUE MALLETTED PLAYER makes her sad exit, the viewer’s viewpoint glides along with this particular Pair of Legs. A red ball whizzes by. The Legs stop. Another red ball malevolently sails past the legs. Then yet another red ball. A fourth red ball makes brutal contact with the Legs causing the Player to fall to her knees and into the frame. The player is VERONICA SAWYER.

As should be clear from the above paragraphs, the shooting script for ‘Heathers’ (dated January 26th, 1988) is a different animal from the finished film in many ways, ranging from the subtle to the obvious. The challenge is to play the detective and try to work out why the changes were made, piecing together evidence from the script, and other sources as well. For example, if you’ve seen the trailer for the film, it included the line “It’s God versus my boyfriend, and God’s losing”, which never appeared in the finished film. The script reveals this was part of Veronica’s voice-over after killing Kurt & Ram – the original speech was as follows:

Veronica (V.O.): The most popular people in school are dead. Everybody’s sad, but it’s a good kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I gave J.D. shit about the Ich Luge thing but what really frightens me is that I’m not frightened by what J.D.’ll do next. It’s God versus my boyfriend, and God’s losing.

Why this was axed, I can’t say, and there are other, even smaller (but obviously deliberate) tweaks to the dialogue where no obvious explanation can be found. “You stupid cunt” becomes “You stupid fuck” (scarcely going to get the film a PG rating) and, even more bizarrely, “Love your blouse” was modified to “Love your cardigan”. Odd.

Fortunately, some changes make more obvious sense. Product placement has become a thorn in moviegoers’ sides recently, with seemingly gratuitous plugs for products littering certain movies. ‘Heathers’ bucks the trend, and a couple of brand names mentioned in the script never made it onto celluloid. The scene between Veronica and JD in the ‘Snappy Snack Shack’ originally took place in a 7-11, but presumably New World’s lawyers nixed the idea, on the grounds that 7-11 would not want to be identified as the favourite convenience store of a teenage psychopath. Similarly, the “mineral” water planted near Kurt and Ram’s bodies to prove their homosexuality was originally Perrier!

It’s also interesting to note the way some of the characters changed, especially J.D. When preparing the “hangover cure” for Heather Chandler in the script, he doesn’t notice that Veronica picks up the wrong cup. In the film he realises the error, but conceals it, which clearly makes him more culpable, as does his suggestion that Veronica forges the suicide note ­in the earlier version, the idea comes from Veronica herself. On the other hand, the planned version of the final battle in the boiler-room has JD attempting to shoot Veronica in cold blood.

This heightened viciousness is apparent in other places. Though the script contains no trace of the widely-known “everyone gets blown up” ending, it’s true to say that the entire movie was originally blacker in tone. No-one is innocent: Peter, organiser of Westerburg’s Foodless Fund, is seen dipping into the kitty for a Big Mac and some fries: “Hey, even Bob Geldof’s got to eat”.

Speaking of things food-related brings me to the cheerful scene in the school toilets where Veronica is called into a cubicle to assist Heather Duke to vomit (a regular task – Lehmann carefully draws attention to Veronica’s index finger, specifically that the nail is cut short). Presumably on grounds of taste, we lost the following little exchanges:

Heather McNamara (O.S.): Did she have the pie or the ice cream for dessert? (like a game-show host) And the answer IS….
Heather Duke holds up her copy of The Catcher in the Rye and makes a bizarrely defiant smile.
Heather Duke: Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in the Catcher in the Rye wouldn’t put up with their bogus nonsense.
Veronica: Well, you better move Holden out of the way or he’s going to get spewed.
Heather Duke puts down her book and opens her mouth. Veronica sticks her finger in…

Bleah. Interestingly, the book Heather Duke carries everywhere is “The Catcher in the Rye”. Between the shooting script and the film, this became ‘Moby Dick’ – ‘Catcher’ may have been thought too cliched. Anyway, another tasteful passage happens when Veronica and JD are talking after their game of strip-croquet:

J.D.: See the condoms in the grass over there. We killed tonight, Veronica, we murdered our baby.
Veronica: Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky.
J.D.: Just saying it’s not hard to end a life.
Veronica: There’s a big difference between the most popular girl in the school and dead sperm.

And while we’re on the topic of sex… David, Heather Chandler’s boyfriend, was eventually only seen in the party at Remington University, getting a blow-job from his girl (in a room described as decorated with “a series of obnoxious Ferrari posters”, though you couldn’t tell in the movie!). As the following phone-conversation shows, the script has him reappearing later, as Heather Duke’s boyfriend, after she moves up to replace Heather Chandler as queen bitch:

Veronica: I’m delirious for the both of you. Can you put Heather on? David proudly looks down off-screen at his lap.
David: She can’t really talk right now…

A pity this scene was lost, as it reinforced the idea that nothing had changed. despite the multiple deaths. This would have fitted in with other excised sections emphasising how Heather Duke has become Heather Chandler II. The fact that it would have added another dimension to dubious fantasies about Shannon Doherty, is, of course, irrelevant…

And finally, you may remember TC9’s shower scene extravaganza, which included the wonderful scene from ‘Heathers’ where Winona takes a shower with her clothes on. Well, there was more to it than that…

Heather Chandler: Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over.
Both Heather McNamara and Heather Duke bend over. Heather Chandler violently laughs:
Heather Chandler: How nice. Two assholes; no waiting.

---

[In answer to the question, “What would you do with $5 million, and two days to live.]
Rodney: I’d change my life. New clothes. New haircut. New house. New home.
Heather Chandler: How sad! Blowing all your cash on two days of trying to be hip.

---

Heather Chandler: Look at me. I look great. I’m the girl in the commercials and the videos. I’m the blonde in the bikini on the horse holding a Pepsi can. I’m the princess being spanked on the throne by Billy Idol’s guitarist’s guitar. What do I get out of being friends with losers. I give them a piece of a winner and they stain me with loserness.

---

Veronica: Seventeen is the last year Mom buys the Twinkies. When you make the jump from working weekends at Pizza Hut to thirty years at IBM, you lose something. Not innocence – power.

---

Ram: Listen up, dude. In those woods is some of the finest pussy in the school and we don’t even have to buy it a hamburger and a Diet Coke.

MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH

A loner arrives at a school, run thro h terror by a,powerful clique of stud He falls in love with a girl fringe of the leaders, but fall foul of the clique itself. Then its members start to die in suspicious ways… However, this doesn’t solve the problem as other pupils move right up to continue the status quo. So the loner decides to solve the problem by blowing up the entire school, but the plot is discovered by the girl he loves, so he commits suicide by blowing himself up in front of the school.

Sound familiar? No, it’s not ‘Heathers’, but ‘Massacre at Central High’, a film dating back to 1976. No-one paid much attention to it at the time – probably because it’s not really all that good – but the similarities to the much later ‘Heathers’ are striking, even if the synopsis above is slightly selective (the ruling clique in ‘Massacre’ is male rather than female, and they drop a car on the loner’s legs, which understandably leaves him a bit upset). Watching it is a bit like seeing Bava’s ‘Bay of Blood’ after ‘Friday the 13th’; there’s an eerie sense of deja-vu, made surreal by the obviously dated fashions. And, hell, even the loner looks very much like Christian Slater…

Few things on Earth, short of a direct hit from a thermonuclear warhead, are capable of getting me out of bed at 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Yet despite this, I’ve recently been leaping downstairs (well, stumbling, anyway), with an enthusiasm not seen since the early days of ‘Multi‑Coloured Swap Shop’, to watch a cartoon show.

‘Samurai Pizza Cats’ is a freeform translation of a Japanese animated series. 13 episodes have been shown in the UK, with another 13 to go, but there are at least fifty original programs. Being Japanese, it’s had to undergo surgery before getting here. However, while most such programmes died on the operating table – see ‘G‑Force’, aka ‘Battle of the Planets’, for perhaps the worst case of malpractice – SPC survived the treatment remarkably well, mostly because it was done with a sense of humour and the content was not toned down to anaemic levels (personally, I blame this for the rise of the American serial killer ‑ here, where we grew up with real cartoons like Tom & Jerry, there’s no such problem). The overall impression with SPC is that a bunch of guys with a VCR got together on a wet weekend and made up their own story. At least, I assume that the characters in the original didn’t discuss their lack of eyebrows with each otherI suspect the conversion may have been done in Canada, but this is based purely on the odd reference to Quebec, and the fact that no Americans seem to have heard of it!

Samurai Pizza Cats Opening Lyrics

Samurai Pizza Cats – who do you call when you want some pepperoni?
Samurai Pizza Cats – they’re fighting crime, and you know that ain’t baloney!
There’s Speedy Cevichi, the leader of the bunch.
A heck of a fighter, makes a heck of a lunch!
And little Polly Ester, who’s never afraid,
Of going into battle when the bad guys invade.
Plus Guido Anchovy, a wild romantic rover,
This cat gets down, down with a love hangover…
Here come the Pizza Cats – they’re so bad .
They’ve got more fur than any turtle ever had!
They’re stronger than old cheese (stronger than old cheese!),
They’re stronger than dirt (stronger than dirt!).
If you step on their tails (don’t hurt me now!),
Then you’re gonna get hurt!
Samurai Pizza Cats…

It’s about, you will not be surprised to hear, some restaurant running felines with sword skills. The hero is Speedy Cevichi, a distinctly un‑neutered tom who regularly falls in lust with any female, of any species, who crosses his path, just as long as she possesses those ‘anime eyes’, the size of footballs (and in SPC, these are taken to ridiculous extremes). He possesses a wonderful Ginzu sword, capable of slicing in two almost anything (including a deep‑pan pepperoni pizza) with a display of background pyrotechnics unrivalled since the last Jean‑Michel Jarre concert. Together with his colleagues Polly Ester and Guido Anchovy, they strive to defend Little Tokyo, their home, from the machinations of the Big
Cheese, an evil rat with a penchant for cross‑dressing (more on this later), and a band of his own henchmen.

The plots have a comforting similarity, being variations on the theme of “Big Cheese plots to destroy Little Tokyo, but is foiled”. However, that’s like describing Tom & Jerry as “cat fails to catch mouse”. The use of the same animation in different shows (the Pizza Cat launching sequence appears with a relentless regularity) becomes like the chorus to a song, and careful observation reveals the accompanying dialogue subtly varies.

Japanese kid’s shows are known for including plot devices that’d make the BBC blanch. In the original version of the aforementioned G‑Force, chief villain Zoltar was actually a hermaphrodite. Needless to say, there’s no trace of this left in the “sanitised for our protection” version broadcast in Britain. One episode of SPC was similar: it revolved around the head villain being seen wearing women’s clothes, and sending out his henchmen to kill the witness before she could reveal his secret. Instead of not bothering to translate that show, the explanation given was that he was rehearsing the role of Maria in ‘The Sound of Music’. While not X‑rated, perhaps, this is still several degrees more perverse than you’d find in ‘The Real Ghostbusters’. The Big Cheese’s crows are even referred to as “ninjas”, ITV not sharing the BBC’s mealy‑mouthed approach (‘Hero Turtles’?) to such things.

The series is refreshingly free of the moralising that strait‑jackets other shows, most notably the obscenely preachy ‘Captain Planet’: “Gee, if we’re nice to each other then we can solve this Middle East crisis AND be kind to the environment as well”. Don’t you hate socially‑conscious broadcasting? None of that in SPC: Little Tokyo gets trashed on a regular basis, junk food is promoted with the ultimate decadence of home delivery and moral concerns are simply not present. One story was about ‘Princess Vi’ and her attempts to go out on the town incognito. Anyone who remembers Princess Di’s exploits with Pamela Stephenson will know where this episode is coming from, and it has to be said the portrait of royalty isn’t a very flattering one. On reflection, this republican outlook might tie in with the Quebec references!

However, the main appeal of the show doesn’t lie in it’s origin or it’s plots. On the surface, it might seem like a cheap ripoff of the Ninja Turtles (TM, C, all‑rights‑reserved). However, SPC harks back to the days when cartoons were entertainment rather than adverts for toys – it’s only as a result of the series’ success that the SPC toys will be arriving here (apparently, mainly due to pressure from the grandson of a senior executive at Bandai UK!).But above all, Samurai Pizza Cats possesses one major advantages: it’s actually FUN to watch, and in the current era there aren’t many television shows which you can say that about.

Samurai Pizza Cats Episode List.

1. Stop Dragon my Cat Around
2. Underground, Underwater, Undercooked
3. If you knew Sushi like I know Sushi
4. The Great Golden Cluck
5. Let the Cellar Beware
6. Singing Samurai Sensei-tion
7. The Nuclear Potato
8. Kind of a Drag
9. Double Trouble for Princess Vi
10. Hot & Cold Kitties
11. Candid Kitty
12. Pizza Cats are Only Human, Pt.1
13. Pizza Cats are Only Human, Pt.2
    Episodes 1, 2, 8 & 9 are available on a videotape, exclusive to Woolies!

TC11’s editorial rant over Forbidden Planet’s fiscal tardiness awoke the powers-that-be and rapidly provoked phone-calls, of varying politeness, from people at Titan Books and FP to explain what had happened. Someone (who’s now left) had screwed up, lost my invoice and compounded things by trying to cover up their error. And lo, it took them a mere 30 days to pay for TC11. I was also firmly assured they are not going bust – such rumours do the rounds irregularly, according to FP manager Dick Jude.

TC11 was therefore again available from FP, as well as from Psychotronic Videos, Fantasy Inn (now recovering from a fire) and Top 10 Comics in London; the Sheffield Space Centre in, funnily enough, Sheffield; by mail order from Dark Carnival (SAE to 21 Avon Road, Scunthorpe, DN16 1EP), Trick or Treat (who may have copies of TC8 – SAE to 69 Pontamman Road, Ammanford, Dyfed SA18 2HX), Daystar Books (no money, no plug!) and Media Publications (who’ve moved recently, so their address is uncertain). Abroad, Videodrom in Berlin and Michael Dericks were carrying the flag.
Thanks to Stephen, Phil, Kanji, Johns Spencer and Overall, Peters J & R Evans, Rudy, George, Dave, Brian, Alun, Ewart, Paul, Rick, Stefan, Adam, Jeff, Claire, Oddone plus Pandora Powell (Partridge & Storey), Christopher Crouch (Yaffa) and Catherine Flynn (The Associates)

We may be too late for Film Extremes 2, but we should be out before Spencer Hickman’s ‘Nothing Shocking’ filmfest in Northampton on June 6th. Though accommodation problems are likely to stop me going, the line-up, including ‘Deadbeat at Dawn’, sounds interesting – phone Spence on 021-360-5368 for details. And something else that missed ‘Three-Pin Plugs’: I remembered Tim Greaves’ address, but forgot to mention his one-off glossy devoted to Yutte Stensgard, with lots of lustworthy pictures…

Ludicrous optimism award. Peter Mawdsley, Liverpool Trading Standards Officer, after a six-month operation led to a trivial ten arrests and the seizure of such ‘nasties’ as ‘Wild at Heart’ and ‘Assault on Precinct 13’:”We feel that we’ve all but put an end to underground horror videos”

Yeah, that’s right – now go back to nicking landlords who pull short pints, will you?

Trash City 12

Spring 1992

3	Editorial Waffle by Jim McLennan, self-proclaimed editor of this publication, in which you are introduced to his ego.	Three Pin Plugs In which the editor tries to take as much credit as he can for something he didn’t write…	26
4	Samurai Pizza Cats “I blame this for the rise of the American serial killer”	Fighting Females “…and it’s nice to see colour co-ordinated underwear in vogue”	31
7	Heathers “Did she have the pie or the ice-cream for dessert ? And the answer IS…”	American Excess Part 2 “San-Francisco’s Chinatown had me in a state of almost permanent dribble”	34
12	Conspiracy Corner: UFOs “I found myself holding two documents, one called ‘Project Grudge’, another one called ‘Operation Majority'”	California Über Alles Oprah Winfrey versus Jello Biafra… Pictures at eleven.	37
16	Film Blitz Guaranteed no pyschopathic bunnies this time, A-ko rubs shoulders (and maybe more) with Bruce Willis.	In The Line Of Duty “…wearing a virginal wedding dress and spraying automatic gunfire everywhere, is nearly a religious experience “	40
22	High Weirdness By Mail This mail-bag wasn’t as laughable as the last. It only had one letter in it (Aw!)… but at least it was a long one.	San Futuro… Or is it ? Boredom strikes at the heart of TC, and then along comes the man from Customs…	45
24	Handy Household Hints Help the Customs service by following this handy check-list.	Grievous Bodily Charm “…a large proportion of eight-year olds, and video store shelves..	49

Editor Jim McLennan. He’s the man who wanders around in his pyjamas with a packet of Romany Creams muttering “It’s a tough life”. Brian Bower, Jason Parker, Lino, Per and Steve contributed to the twelfth issue of this Quarterly ‘zine, published but three times a year. This anomaly may possibly be connected to the following three facts; 1) We spend our time actually doing the things we write about, 2) Jim keeps wanting to rewrite the film reviews and 3) Have you ever tried to illustrate a piece on UFOs? In comparison to TC’s conception, which is slow, noisy and leaves the Art Ed with sticky fingers for a week, its birth in John London’s hands at Copyprint is a miracle.

Another miracle is the subscription price which remains at 75p/issue, $2 Europe, $3 Elsewhere, $850 3WA headquarters (includes danger money). For the Gospel According to TC parts 9, 10 and 11 you’d better be quick, as we have less than a dozen of each. at £1/$2/$3. TC9 will soon be a T-shirt and the rest of us will probably have an identity crisis too before the next ish. All contributions to this creation, except those about the artistic merit of “Driller Killer “, should be sent to the following address which will shortly be wrong:
7 Tummons Gardens, South Norwood Hill, LONDON SE25 6BD