“Fuck off seven famous actress. Hyper Adonis, this time queens are young, bad and shakin’ hip, it’s hippy hip! With fruity smile and soup.”

There is a school of thought which suggest that not showing something is more evocative than if it is clearly seen. This applies to horror movies, and also to sex — certain critics bemoan the excesses of the modern era over the understated subtleties of former times. It’s not an argument I personally accept (if I want to “use my imagination”, I don’t need to shell out hard cash to do so), but in some cases, will admit that it can prove culturally productive.

Take Japan which, despite stern censorship, has developed a pornography industry second only to America, probably far surpassing the stale “legitimate” movie business, both in terms of turnover and invention. Each month, the number of tapes released is well into three figures, with the video companies publicising their wares in lavishly illustrated, full-colour brochures of sample sleeves. These are true works of art, in the same way that London telephone boxes become art galleries of the minimasterpieces which are prostitute’s cards — though in comparison, those look like a child’s finger-painting. If ever anything made me want to splash out on a colour cover for TC, these sleeves did, despite the same stringent rules for censorship still applying. Thus, all genitals are obscured, with a colourful range of red ink, black blobs and intriguing cross-hatching that makes every willie look like it’s been wrapped in straw.

The reason for the intense effort that clearly goes into the covers is simple: in a jam-packed market, you’ve got to leap off the shelf and grab a punter by the ‘nads in the time it takes his eye to sweep across your sleeve. Hence, gold, silver and flashy fonts are in order, though the format hardly varies across titles or companies. The front cover almost inevitably has the women who star in the video, the back is crammed with a cut-up assortment of stills from the film. The most notable point is that the immaculately coiffured woman on the front is all but unrecognisable when getting down and dirty “in action”…

Then there is the interesting usage of English. Now, taking the piss out of foreigners is childish and puerile xenophobia, but if you’re going to use a foreign language in your advertising material…let’s just say that those who live by the word, die by the word. Sometimes, though, the results have a grace and beauty that are almost poetic, as in the following, taken from the Garden of Schoolgirls sleeve:
      In the forbidden garden
      the defenseless girls
      who were carried away by sexual impulse

Not quite the traditional 5-7-5 syllable structure of haiku, but lyrical and graceful none the less. This was, however, an exception, and the vast majority treat English like a prisoner of war. The following samples, like every other one in this article, are presented with exactly the spelling, grammar, capitalisation and punctuation as they possess on the covers:

• “Oh, my God! Let’s enjoy sexual costume play with Sexy Doll Clice and have a ecstacy”.
• “A sex oil sticky level 100% The Ultra Estrus Girls”
• “I’ll make you feeling ecstacy by my buxom bust”
• “Bye Bye Super Very Bad Blue Days!! Good morning Satisfaction!!”

The last of these sounds more like an advert for breakfast cereal than X-rated pornogaphy. However, my personal favourite leads off this article, deserving to appear in large text and a different font, since it manages to be simultaneously evocative and completely incoherent,

The most superfluous warning has to be the “Caution X rated!” with which ZET Video is careful to label its product. This does seem somewhat pointless when the rest of the cover ensures that the tape is most unlikely to be mistaken for a Disney movie, and probably falls into the category of reverse advertising, done to lure rather than warn.

ZET are just one of the many companies competing for business: others, such as Big Morkal, eightman, Sodom, and the engagingly named ‘Atlas Radical Adult Fantasy Mega-Pictures’, are also out there pitching to the market. Some produce generic erotica while others have found smaller niches: Cinemagic do bondage, while Miss Christine are a “costume play” outfit i.e. dressing up, as nurses, schoolgirls or whatever. The Tiffany label specialise in debutantes, and this is reflected in titles such as Legend of Virgin Shrine, New Sensual Princess, and Virgin Princess (but oddly, there is no sign of Sensual Shrine).

The actual titles of the films represent an extension of the mutant English mentioned elsewhere. They range from the relatively straightforward (Uniform Lesbian BattleRoyal), through the slightly obscure (New UniformSniper — which perhaps raises more questions than it answers) to some that…well…would you rent Illegality Violate Tits [A program on a different channel version]? Here are some other interesting candidates:

• Body Conscious Hunting — Revival of Ultimate Costumes
• Welcome!! Super Exciting Pink Saloon
• Super Maniac Play Text for the Beginers
• When the Lecherous Ladies Violate a Man
• The Best Fucking Game With Pretty Baby
• Precious – Wedding Fuck
• Satomura – Mad Obscenity – Please ejacurate on my breast.
• The Wonderful Cock Suckin’ Rolling Thunder Special Sperm is on Heat

Of course, the all-time classic title remains Jesus Clitoris Superstar, if only because it lets me tell the (quite possibly apocryphal) story about a Japanese department store whose Christmas display featured Santa Claus nailed to a cross…