For many years now, ‘Fortean Times’ has been gathering together the “weird stuff” that happens in the world, with a sense of style and humour all it’s own. Having read this remarkably cool publication for longer than I like to remember, the news that they were running a weekend convention provoked a sense of delight, that would perhaps only be surpassed by a note from Nastassja demanding a bed for the night.
The beast in question occupied a full two days, each with a designated central subject (Saturday was Spontaneous Human Combustion, Sunday had Alien Abductions), and sundry other topics round the fringe. Unsurprisingly, I received a certain amount of stick from people for attending such an event, and must admit part of the appeal was the thought of hearing people like Mary Seal, organiser of the Wembley conspiracy convention fiasco, and chief proponent of the Global Octopus theory (you don’t want to know, believe me). Having previously been on the edges of a couple of UFO groups, I knew just how “fringe” some areas of borderline research can get!
However, what Lino might call the “kook” factor was very low. Mary Seal never appeared – some may call that suspicious – and the nearest we got to nonsense was Doc Shiels, a long-time magician, trickster, hoaxer and consumer of Guinness. The last named probably explains any deficiency on the coherency front (he can be forgiven, it was the weekend Ireland beat Italy!). This general lack of loonies is perhaps because Forteans don’t lumber their subjects with emotional baggage. On the SHC panel, for example, all three panellists said they’d be entirely happy to find it was the result of something natural. In the world of the paranormal, such a separation of faith from knowledge is pleasant to see.
The other (and more expected) major enjoyment factor was the sense of fun that pervaded the weekend. A delight of FT is the attitude of “we don’t know whether this means anything at all, but it’s certainly amusing”, and this came through in most of the events. Let’s face it, topics like SHC are pretty ridiculous when considered in the cold light of day! It was all pretty informal, with most of the guests quite happy to hang round after their talks and chat to the audience, and the organisers also seemed approachable.
Not that I needed to, as it mostly went very smoothly, although the temperature in the main hall provided the audience with first-hand experience of what SHC must be like. Luckily, the event was taking place in the University of London Union, so plenty of cheap, liquid refreshment was easily to hand (to the delight of Doc Shiels!). Sunday was a touch less successful, with two guests not appearing at zero or less notice (illness, rather than abduction by aliens), but these things happen, and no-one seemed to mind too much.
One eagerly awaited opportunity was the chance to get “weird stuff”. A large amount of all sorts of reading material was duly bought, though the general restraint on view was also seen in the dealer’s room. I ended up with as much sceptical junk as true-believer bunkum. Does this indicate some kind of balance?
Highlights are hard to pick, as there honestly was nothing I didn’t enjoy. However, special mention may be made of the all-too-brief Fortean slide show, Jenny Randles’ lecture on alien abductions (which sent several chills down my spine – true or not, they make great campfire tales) and Kevin McLure, talking about the visions of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and meandering from poltergeists to Charles Manson with perfect Fortean dry wit. But everything had it’s moments, often unexpected ones: a former police officer, talking about SHC, mentioned in passing that there’s a method for forging fingerprints, a comment worth filing in your paranoia. And even the ‘delusion show’, designed to expose tricks used by mediums, scored a direct hit on the psyche of one member of the TC crew!
By the end of Sunday, my mind had been suitably expanded – it’s surprising how tiring this can be! The advantage of such an event is that after you’ve heard about aliens, people burning from the inside, big cats, religious visions, and who knows what else, then things like cancelled trains and leaking showers somehow just don’t seem of any significance…
It must be five years ago that I first heard tell of a strange, yellow-faced family taking America by storm. Wondrous tales of biting satire, film and music references galore and merciless parodies of American life and culture started to filter across the great soggy divide, setting my taste-buds alight with curiosity. At first I was sceptical of the enthusiasm given to the telling of these tales: I remember reading of land-lubbers being wooed by old sea-dogs, with tales of mermaids; was this just another story peppered with imagination? I was determined to find out, so set sail on a journey of discovery to the United States of America…well, went there on holiday anyway. The trek was long and arduous, many ship-mates were taken by scurvy (probably the in-flight meals). But I was so close, there was no turning back. Then off the starboard bow, blurry in the distance (too much duty-free Vodka), I spied the S.S.“Simpson”. The stories were true, under-estimated if anything, my search was ended; all that remained now was to see every episode.
Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie were the main crew, ably assisted by religious neighbour from hell Ned Flanders, bar-owner Moe, Grandpa Simpson, Barney the drunk, Krusty the Clown, Mr. Burns (owner of the nuclear plant), Selma and Patty (Marge’s sisters), to name just a few. Yellow faced perfection, where had they been all these years?
It was obviously aimed at a junior audience, but the good ship “Simpson”…okay, okay, enough “Ancient Mariner” crap… has much to offer the culturally aware. Film references include “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” (several times), “Clockwork Orange”, “Thelma and Louise”, “Childs Play”. There’s a whole episode modelled around “Goodfellas”, with Bart in the Ray Liotta role and another that’s almost scene by scene, “Cape Fear” – Bart is hunted onto a house-boat. Musical performances (cartoon characters, real soundtrack) by such luminaries as The Ramones, Aerosmith, Spinal Tap, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and more. Guest voice skills of Michelle Pfeiffer, Elizabeth Taylor, Kelsey Grammer, Sting, Dustin Hoffman, Linda Ronstadt and Brooke Shields to name just a few. In short “The Simpsons” is the place to be seen, even in a sometimes less than flattering cartoon form.
I guess some reading this are fans of anime and view all this with a certain mistrust, “Where’s the violence?”, I hear you cry. Everywhere! “Itchy & Scratchy”: a cartoon within a cartoon, cat and mouse that make “Tom and Jerry” look like “My Little Pony” – eyeballs replaced by bombs, tongues tied around rockets, heads cut off with a razor then dancing in the arterial spray, heads eaten by ants…and that’s just the printable stuff. There was also an Arnie piss-take called “McBain” with a body-count to rival any “video nasty” (such as “Reservoir Dogs” …huh??!!) and five (I think) Halloween specials with “Simpsons” versions of “Child’s Play”, “The Twilight Zone”, “The Raven”, “Return of the Living Dead”, “Dracula” and “Salem’s Lot”. Kids’ stuff? I think not. There’s so much that’s wasted on young minds, I can only hope it helps educate them to the finer things in life; cult movies, rock music, doughnuts and beer, all in excess and pure heaven!
“The Simpsons” was started by Matt Groenig to “send up the bastions of American culture” and has, ironically, become a major part of said culture, thanks mostly to the merchandising people, though I don’t suppose Groenig is groaning…(sorry!) If anyone deserves success it’s “The Simpsons” crew – Matt and his gang go from strength to strength with each series more biting than the last, it’s unusual to find a programme that gets better as it goes on, but here it is, and believe me nothing is sacred to these guys – these are a few of the tag-lines:
Bart finds 3-eyed fish in a pond next to the nuclear plant.
Homer is put in an asylum for wearing a pink shirt to work.
Homer gets poisoned in a sushi restaurant.
Bart gets run over by Mr. Burns, and the Simpsons sue for damages.
Krusty the Clown is arrested for robbing the kwiki-mart.
Homer discovers he’s shooting blanks, sperm-wise; he also discovers a half-brother.
Marge gets obsessed with gambling, Mr. Burns turns into Howard Hughes.
“The Simpsons” was originally intended for, and broadcast on, “The Tracey Ullman Show”, but you wouldn’t recognize the characters now as they look completely different. All the voice over artists were working on Tracey’s show; the woman who does Marge’s voice was Rhoda’s sister in the series of the same name (remember that old chestnut?). In fact there was a court-case a few years back when Tracey Ullman tried to get money from Matt Groenig claiming she invented the characters used in “The Simpsons”; needless to say, this failed.
The first ‘real’ episode as we know it was “Some Enchanted Evening”, since when there’s been more than 100 episodes and very few aren’t worth checking out a.s.a.p. They’ve tried changing the animation style several times; unlike latter “Tom and Jerry” and “Bugs Bunny” the scripts are still good. There’s been speculation about a movie for some years, let’s hope it’s not far from realisation. Mmmhhh, Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie on the big screen…
“The Simpsons“ has out-lived the hype and surpassed every promise ten-fold. It gets more cutting and hilarious with each addition to its, already full, family tree. If you’re not already watching “The Simpsons” religiously get down your local video shop or branch of W.H. Smiths and buy, rent, borrow or steal some choice cuts of Simpson humour now!
Douglas Baptie, Hawick – “With regard to Conspiracy Corner, security cameras are a particular pet hate. I’m not convinced they work for a start – the ‘Abbie’ case being an example…Despite dramatic claims, senior police officials quietly admit crime just gets moved to the areas not being covered. Logically, of course, cameras should cover every street in the country, so that every citizen is protected, and not just the business community wanting to protect their property. Cameras in every household might help stamp out child abuse and spouse battery. I guess the cost might be prohibitive. [However, surely the only people who could object would be those with something to hide? Decent, law-abiding citizens surely have nothing to fear!] I am always surprised at how susceptible many of the cameras are to a spot of teen-terrorism. Most are rarely positioned higher than above first-floor level and could easily be pulled from their stands by a well-aimed rope and a couple of brawny scallywags. The only other equipment required would be a balaclava and a decent pair of running shoes…”
We at TC do not condone any behaviour in breach of the law. We do not suggest you try the tactics discussed above. Or, at least, we suggest you don’t get caught. Particularly not carrying a copy of TC, carefully folded to this page.
Rik Rawling, Morley – “All my neighbours have got these fucking searchlights in their gardens – every time a cat goes for a shit, it lights up the backyards bright enough to be seen from Alpha Centauri. This climate of fear revved up by the media carefully smokescreens all the Big Brother shit that’s really going down. Bar codes on wrists – not long now. I brought up the subject with some friends, and they thought it was bollocks. It’s going on around them and they just don’t feel the fire…Let loose the Overfiend! Bring on the Apocalypse! Eternal death in the fiery lake of Oblivion, under the hateful gaze of the one true dragon of the Eternal Night, is infinitely preferable to endless hours trapped in a grey room (pink blinds), with John Major clones, forced to watch re-runs of ‘May to December’. Forever.”
Paul Mallinson, Eynsham – “I would expect that the links between the IRA and our own government are closer than they like to admit. All governments, when they reach such a high level of control and influence, are nothing more than legalised criminal organizations. If the Mafia ran Italy legally, I’m sure it wouldn’t be much different to how it is run today! [Oh, I dunno, would probably be a good bit more stable. And the government/IRA thing: interesting how the peace truce was negotiated with the Conservatives at their lowest poll rating since the first caveman was asked whether he preferred mammoth or bison. Let’s face, it’s the only thing that’s got a chance of saving the Tories’ necks, unless they can convince Argentina to invade the Falklands again] The ‘wondrous visions’ page after the letters? Why is it that I’ve never managed to get one of these bloody things to work yet. I tell you one thing – when I eventually ‘click’, and I do actually see what I’m supposed to, I’m worried that my head might explode. Should make a good scene in the middle of Athena, if nothing else.”
Ah, yes. The 3D picture. Some interesting responses: a Scottie dog; the Statue of Liberty; and we’ll draw a veil over the identity of the person who stared intently at the picture for several minutes, and then said “Is it a penis?”. And now we hand you over to one of the aggravating bastards who can actually see them:
Tim Greaves, Eastleigh – “I assume you’re joking when you say you can’t see anything in that 3-D design. [That’s right, make me feel really inadequate, why don’t you?] It shows the words “Trash City”, with “Trash” being small in the upper foreground, “City” very large just behind and below it, and what looks like the skyline of a city along the bottom. Do I win a prize? [Bah. Hope you go blind] You want a tip? They say you have to pick a point behind the design and stare fixedly at it, but I can’t do it. I mean, what exactly are you supposed to fix on? The only way I can see ’em is by placing a clear acetate sheet in front, then fix on my own silhouetted reflection. Gradually the images blur and the three dimensional picture just pops into focus. Give it a try, it works for me!”
Hark. That sound in the distance. Must be Paul Mallinson’s head exploding.
Andy Collins, St Leonard’s-on-Sea – “The DJ decided it was that time of the evening to air a Ministry tune. Out of the corner of my eye, a demonic looking guy, large for his height, joined us, looking very similar to Henry Rollins. I became a little wary…then he went up to my friend, roared loudly in his face like a sexually repressed water buffalo and went ape shit, huge arms flailing, mental illness apparent. We backed off to the edge of the dance-floor, expecting imminent death as he ripped off his shirt and went even wilder. No tattoos – this wasn’t a ‘Cape Fear’ situation – but fists were clenched and chest was straining. To my relief, the song cranked down. We were all still standing, faces intact. He then roared again, proclaiming very emotionally that “I fucking love that song”. Great. We’re so pleased for you. Piss off home and go knock through a wall or something. We came to a conclusion that he was a thoughtform created by Ministry in some heinous black magic session to infest various clubs, reassuring people that their fan-base was still as strong, and active, and manic, as ever.
Andy Waller, Magdeburg – “We sampled Berlin a couple of weeks ago and it turned out to be a classic – if disastrous – weekend. The Friday in the city was fine, but when it came to Friday night, we had no accommodation. Our solution was just to ignore this factor. Thus, we played cards, went out for a pizza, consumed a few litres of red wine (I followed my usual principles – “If in doubt about anything while in a big city, just get horribly pissed”), rode down Tiergarten in shopping trolleys for a couple of kilometres, and then collapsed on the grass next to the Brandenburg Gate. This kind of improvised “summer campout” was problematic for a number of reasons, and rather ill-considered. It wasn’t yet Summer, and was therefore very cold, we had no tent, no sleeping-bags, we didn’t even have a mat. The next day, everybody was ratty as fuck, I was still drunk from the night before (I kind of overshot the required amount of wine needed for intoxication purposes) and nobody had succeeded in getting any sleep. It was a total disaster, but was one of the most memorable weekends I’ve probably ever had, in a funny sort of way…”
Japanese animal-rights activist being kind to a couple of cephalopodic friends.
Given the above, I feel lucky to have got out of Paris alive. Maybe there is a market for nightmare holidays? “Kids go free on our tour of Romanian orphanages” – and if you’re lucky, they don’t come back, but are kidnapped by some rich but infertile parents from suburbia.
John Weller, Bournemouth – “I’m thinking of putting together something ‘zineish myself, but I’m not sure yet what form it’ll take…Another aim would be to load for bear, and stalk a few of the counterculture’s sacred cows [er, shouldn’t that be “load for cow” then? – helpful editor] – vegans, ‘animal rights’ and hunt sabbing, the gut reactions that pass for thought among people whose only contact with the countryside is a day spent chasing red-coated fools. Liz and I hunt rabbits to feed ourselves and our animals (17 ferrets and a red-tailed hawk) and we take responsibility for what we kill. What we don’t need are the fools who told us (at the Food and Farming Show in Hyde Park) that “all hunting is blood lust” and that “all ferrets should be released into the wild”. Pure, thoughtless compassion: 90% of any animals released into the wild would die in the first two weeks, and the survivors would gravitate to poultry sheds, or wherever there’s fast food. But who wants to hear the truth when righteous anger is so much more satisfying?”
I would deeply love to produce a contentious, hard-hitting ‘zine that succeeds in annoying people and getting up their noses. Difficult, though it may be to believe, inside this mild-mannered editorial body, there beats a heart of purest sulphur. Unfortunately, I think after 17 issues of TC, people probably know me too well to actually take it seriously. This has been one of the appeals of the Internet; the chance to talk to a lot of Americans, to whom concepts such as “sarcasm” and “irony” are mostly alien and anathema. Anyone feeling in need of an argument should go onto the “alt.cult-movies” newsgroup, and say something derogatory about “Schindler’s List”. Oh, and be sure to put on asbestos underwear first. But in the hallowed pages of this publication, I guess I’ll just have to keep on with the political incorrectness.
Pam Creais, Sidcup – “I have doubts about most things that are supposedly ‘good for us’. I think too many people are influenced by what they read in papers and magazines, and talked into doing things that they wouldn’t normally do. I mean, do you go around supermarkets examining tins of food for ‘E’ numbers? I thought perhaps not! [Actually, I do – and refuse to buy anything unless it has at least three additives] As for vegetarianism, it’s not a philosophy, I could adopt myself, and I’m an animal lover. I especially love them when they’re on my plate at meal-times. Too many people exhibit ludicrously idealistic sentiments when it comes to animals. Obviously, I’m not saying that it’s right to ill-treat them, but it’s always sensible to get matters into perspective. An animal is, after all, just that – an animal. They shouldn’t be made fools of, or the subject of idolatry.”
I agree. It’s like the recent controversy over calf exports; in terms of valid, commercial alternatives, the only other option is really killing all male calves at birth – this would scarcely please “Friends of the Furries”, but to use them in the nice, kind, humane British veal trade, we’d have to increase 100-fold the amount of veal that we eat. Not that I personally mind, being a great fan of a nice escalope. But certainly, animals shouldn’t be made into fools. Casseroles, possibly, or certainly sandwiches, but it’s gooseberries or some similar summer fruit you want if you want to make a fool…
Speaking of which, more letters for this column are always welcome. They needn’t be anything to do with the ‘zine, as the above show, and I am quite willing to keep them hanging round until an ‘appropriate’ moment arrives; at least one of the above letters dates back to ‘93. You have been warned…
Sydney – An Australian woman has been charged after attacking five people and smashing a car windscreen with a pair of stiletto-heeled shoes during a rampage in southern New South Wales at the weekend, police said on Monday. Police said the woman, 19, went berserk with the stilettos, holding one in each hand and hammering people on a street in the city of Albury for no apparent reason. Three of her alleged victims were sent to hospital with head wounds, while the other two received abrasions. She was charged with three counts of malicious wounding, two counts of assault and one count of malicious damage.
Who said women can’t fight?
Tokyo – Eight bikers needed hospital treatment for injuries at the weekend when two Japanese gangs clashed in a fist-fight, police said. The two gangs of 17- to 20-year-old women, one called “The Beautiful Devils” and the other simply “Beautiful”, fought with bare hands at a park near Tokyo, a police spokesman said. The Devils won and their rivals were sprawling, and injured, by the time police arrived. The spokesman said that while the two motorbike gangs had been on bad terms for some time it was unusual for women to fight battles like this.
Unstoppable schoolgirl stops thief
Tokyo – A 13-year-old Japanese schoolgirl foiled a purse-snatcher who tried to escape by bicycle in Tokyo by using her umbrella, the Asahi Shimbun newspaper reported. It said Yumi Kurakawa grabbed the cycle as the thief tried to escape with another woman’s bag and wrestled him to the ground. The thief punched her three times in the face and cycled off but the courageous teenager gave chase. Finally she stuck her umbrella through the spokes of his wheel, sending him crashing into the arms of nearby police. Yumi said she acted simply because she thought it was wrong to steal.
Robbed man’s tale of tears before bed time
Tokyo – Three Japanese teenage girls lured a man to a Tokyo hotel with the promise of four-in-a-bed sex, sprayed tear gas into his eyes and stole 120,000 yen (£750) from his trousers, police said. But the 15-year-old girls gave themselves up and returned the money after seeing newspaper reports of their attack, police said. The girls met the man, 43, though a telephone dating agency and told him “50,000 yen (£310) is enough for the three of us”.
RELIGIOUS MYSTIC PRAYS TO STOP COSMIC COLLISION BETWEEN COMET AND JUPITER 16-23rd JULY 1994 SOFIA Richmond ;whose religious name is SISTER Marie Gabriel says she is praying to God to stop the cosmic collision because it could be dangerous for mankind. MEDIA PHONE LINE 081-450 2748 FAX 081-208 2774. She HOPES THE COMET MAY APPEAR VISIBLE BY 21st JULY. IF her forecasts do NOT come true she will admit her mistake. The cosmic collision will NOT BE THE END of the world. Rather the opposite. It could be the beginning of a new era in human history. There could be some cosmic surprises es well. Mankind could be standing on the threshold of a most dramatic change In human history awaiting Divine Intervention. Whet will happen when the IF the comet hits Jupiter next week 7 There are 2 possibilities facing mankind. Firstly there is the one advocated by scientists who say that it could be a non event as far as the public are concerned. because people will not see anything. Then there is the other scenario predicted by a Religious Mystic; Sofia Richmond known also as Sister Marie, claims she received prophetic messages saying the collision will be a COSMIC DAY OF JUDGEMENT ordained by GOD to were all nations that they must reduce the crime epidemic; return to the 10 commandments or face cosmic global penalties. The frightening collision between comet and Jupiter is a warning from God showing nations what could happen to them; unless they quickly reduce the crime rate; destroy all pornography; bann all Indecency; crime & violence from Television; Films; Videos etc; destroy all video nestles; bann all indecent shows: songs dances fashiuons to reduce offences against women & children. :keep the Sabbath day holy & sacred. Stop all wars. Stop all fighting; Ban cruel blood sports; Stop hulnting whaling traffic In live animals etc. atop bull fighting; Close down cruel zoos;circuses animal laboratories etc. Share food mountains with hungry nations. Teach moral ethical religious education daily in all schools. People must give up crime dishonesty drugs. Become pure honest angelic SAINTS. THE GREAT COSMIC FLASH from the Comet & Jupiter explosion may be visible on earth. It may cause panic. Shock waves could stop all traffic; motors; engines; planes. etc It would be better NOT to book flights from 16 to 23 July 1994. better not to travel. Stay at home. PRAY. Beg GOD FOR MERCY to stop the collision. SUPERNATURAL EVENTS could occur during or after the Cosmic Day of Judgement when all people will see their consciences Judged by God.
Sofia (Polish Surname Paprocki) appeals today to the GERMAN GOVERNMENT to quickly pay the Compensation money It owes her for NAZI WAR CRIME DAMAGES 1944 so that she can immediately use the money tomorrow morning to print an urgent list of PUBLIC SAFETY PRECAUTIONS IN NEWSPAPERS ALL OVER BRITAIN EUROPE USA AMERICA & WORLDWIDE AT TOP SPEED. So that people cn be prepared for any severe effects from the cosmic explosion next week. IF GERMANY fails to pay the Millions it owes for destroying the family estates in Poland 1944 it will be impossible to print the urgent messages & SAFETY PRECAUTIONS WORLDWIDE IN THE NEXT 3 DAYS. IF lives are endangered as a result, then the German Government could be responsible because it refused to pay the compensation money to Sofia. That money could now enable her to print the urgent warnings which COULD HELP TO SAVE MANY PEOPLE. Sr Marie wrote a prophetic book In August 92 about the comet & Jupiter explosion, She asked WH SMITHS to pay her copyright royalties due to her from the nationwide sales of her own book. But WHSMITHS Wateretones branch as refuse to pay her any copyright royalties from the sale of her work. The money could have helped to pay for printing the Public Safety precaution all over EUROPE USA ETC. to SAVE MANY PEOPLE. Obviously If her forecasts are NOT accurste she will admit her mistake. she has sent Registered Letters about her Predictions to the Queen. TO King Fahd of Saud: Arabia; to Cardinal Hume: to Archbishop George Carey; To David Alton MP To the Pope who MUST come to London soon for an Emergency Council of the Church at Westminster, regarding God’s Ultimatum to Britain Europe USA & all Nations. She appealed to Duke of Westminster & Paul Getty Junior to help pay for pringing the safety warnings worldwide. A Generous Benefactor is needed today at top speed. Sister Marie begged the SISTERS OF MERCY in BRIDGE GATE DERBY to share their huge fortune of 9 million pounds obtained from sales of their lands to help pay for the cost of printing God’s FINAL WARNING to mankind in newspapers wortdende but the SISTERS OF MERCY refused to help. Publicizing the Safety Precautions could have saved many people.
