Or, I’ve got half an hour to write something to go on the back of a colour picture of dubious nature, so apologies for any typos. This issue is late, tying TC9’s record at five months – it must be something to do with post-Christmas apathy, it seems. It might also have something to do with another imminent change of address – yes, ANOTHER one, but this should be the last for a while, as I’m actually BUYING the place this time. As I write this, I’m anxiously waiting for the results of the building society survey, and for obvious reasons, I’m not giving out my new address until I’m 100% certain that I’ll be staying there! All mail sent to Tummons Gardens SHOULD find it’s way to me, courtesy of the Post Office, but I would hold back on those rare items of Kinski-mabilia.

Speaking of which, once I’m settled in there, I may be able to get started on the long-planned Kinski special, having now caught up with most of her back catalogue, and covering the recent press over her split with her husband (Hurrah!), and attachment to Quincy Jones (boo!). And with the death of Marlene Dietrich, could she now be Germany’s greatest living actress? Or do we now need to carry out a hit on Hannah Schygulla?

The planned colour cover has been postponed – Per’s test versions did not survive the process, going in cute, coming out more like napalm victims. The idea has not been shelved, and further experimentation will occur.

Film to look forward to: Abel Ferrara’s latest, “Bad Lieutenant”, from a script by Ferrara and Zoe Lund (aka Zoe ‘Angel of Vengeance’ Tamerlis), and starring Harvey Keitel and Lund. It’s supposed to push the NC-17 certificate further than it’s gone before, not just in terms of flesh, and ‘Variety’ gave it rave reviews. It’s just great to see the wonderful Zoe Lund/Tamerlis back “onLhe screen, as her other performances have been electrifying, and all too rare.

Finally, two reviews which got cut from Film Blitz – curiously, both star Rutger Hauer, and I knew I had to print them somewhere, or a certain Helen McCarthy would want to know why! His latest film, ‘Split Second’ opened in the States to “mixed” reviews and tolerable box-office – word is that it’s a real mix of every genre you can think of, but Rutger is, as ever, worth watching (for whatever reason!).

Desert Law (Duccio Tessari) – Past experience of ‘PG’ films has shown they tend to be utter cop-outs, shorn of any redeeming sex or violence; I possess less ‘PG’ tapes than any other category, and more than half of those star Emmanuelle Beart or Nastassja. This film is a salutary lesson, being an Italian TVM (complete with obvious ad breaks, co-scripted by George Eastman), that runs out of ideas fast and seems twice as long as it’s 140 minute running time. Even Rutger Hauer can’t salvage it, though his character is easily the best thing in this awful cross between ‘Not Without My Daughter’ and ‘The Desert Rats’. I really can’t recommend this film, except possibly if you’re looking for unfunny racial stereotypes. E-

Wedlock (Lewis Teague) – Rutger Hauer and Mimi Roberts are criminals “married” to each other by collar which will blow their heads off if they separate by more than 100 yards. They escape, but are followed by the warden who wants to find where Rutger’s hidden the loot from his last robbery. Dumb premise, salvaged by the expected good performance from RH and an unexpected one from Joan Chen (rapidly taking over Jennifer Jason Leigh’s mantle as Hauer’s preferred subject of abuse), who wins the 1991 Anthony Perkins Rosebowl for Drug-Crazed Acting to the Max (Bitch Section). Pure fluff. C