The world as we know it may end on July 5th, 1998. On the other hand, it might not. But, at the very least, it will be replaced by something much worse. And the odds are that you won’t even notice.
Find that difficult to believe? Good, there’s hope for you yet. And that hope is J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, the cosmic salesman and Lord High Everything in the Church of the SubGenius. Only he can bring you Slack. Only he can let you pull the wool over your own eyes. Only he can drag your ass out of the fire when the rest of the world wakes up to find that their nightmares are merely scraps of reality, slipping through the gaps in that collective hallucination which they have induced in us!!!
At this point, you’re probably about to turn the page looking for the next semi-naked bimbo. Sorry, I get worked up about this because it’s the only way people take notice: “The extreme always makes an impression”. I’ll try and calm down, remain cool and answer a few of your questions.
Q. Explain simply and coherently, precisely what you’re jabbering on about.
A. Ok, hold onto those sanity atoms. The world currently seems to be run by the Conspiracy, a loose alliance of multi-nationals, politicians, organised crime groups, disorganized crime groups, neo-Nazi and crypto-Communist cells, multi-media moguls, religious zealots, heavy metal bands, masons, Illuminati and the CIA/MI5/KGB (delete as applicable).
Q. Oh, so that’s what’s going on.
A. No. If that WAS it, it’d be “alright” – at least they’re “human”. The problem is that it only SEEMS like that. If only you could see the Things, the shapeless, nameless, things that are pulling the strings with their slick, black tentacles. Nylarthop kr’ll ja-bhor “Bob” pnumil ‘n gharlg, as they say. And come July 5th, 1998, they’re gonna foreclose their mortgage on the Planet Earth, roll up their sleeves, take up their options and when they do, boy, you’d better have “Bob” as your loophole, or else even this pathetic sham that you call ‘life’ will seem like paradise.
Q. That bad, huh?
A. Yep. Millions will die horribly and eating those green things they put in burgers will be compulsory.
Q. So who’s this Bob guy?
A. Please, it’s “Bob”. “This “Bob” guy”, as you so quaintly put it, is in there negotiating for us, or at least the 0.1% of the population weird enough to save (the rest of the population are either running the Conspiracy and/or are dupes of it). His powers stem from a series of visions (which he’s described as “like the Book of Revelations done by a Saturday morning TV show”) and a bizarre process which changed his flesh into something alien and indescribable – much the same as what happens to mutate the Big Mac you see on the menu into the one you get in the box. These events are commemorated in a solemn church ritual where our high priests send out for pepperoni pizzas, get a few beers in and sit around watching videos. Even though “Bob” was assassinated (possibly by one marksman using one bullet or several marksmen using several bullets, but probably not several marksmen using the same bullet) in 1983, he doesn’t seem to have slowed down.
Q. Why should I join you instead of any other church promisxg salvation?
A. Well we’re more fun. We’ve a better sense of humour that just about any other religious group (except possibly the Jehovah’s Witnesses). We’re kinda flexible about our dogma and encourage, nay, require people to break away from us and form their own group with cool doctrines they can cope with. As long as you keep sending us money, we’ll happily incorporate anything you say into the eternal, inviolate, sacred word of the Church. We don’t promise salvation anyway – but if not, you’ll certainly get a front row seat for the big firework show.
Q. Who else have you got?
A. Many famous people are involved in the Church of the SubGenius, though most of them don’t know it since they are working deep undercover in the Conspiracy under hypnotic suggestion, just like ‘Total Recall’. Speaking of which, Arnie’s one of us – you may have spotted the “Bob” reference in ‘Terminator 2’. Obviously, I can’t give too much away, but let me mention a few names: George Bush (a particularly successful case – he was a Hell’s Angel from Des Moines before we saw his potential), Amanda de Cadanet (we’re not proud), Dannii Minogue (we turned down Kylie – there are limits) plus people holding key positions in the media, especially ‘The Sunday Sport’, ‘Going Live!’ and the woman who does the continuity announcements in the early hours of the morning on ITV – she’s already implanting subliminal messages in there for us. We’re negotiating for Kim Basinger, to head our ‘Bimbos 4 “Bob”‘ group, but she’s balking at the “available for use by Church members” clause.
Q. Ok, so how can I be saved?
A. Send us your money. I should stress that “Bob” isn’t interested in the cash itself, his wheeling and dealing with alien races is more profitable than you can possibly imagine. The cash is just a handy way to obtain the psychic imprint (the ‘Nental If’ in SubGeniusspeak) he needs to recognise you come 1998. Everything you possess absorbs a little bit of it from you, currency just happens to be easy to post. Large-denomination notes work best, no small change or personal cheques please.
Q. What do I get in exchange?
Oh, the usual: Power, wealth, happiness, sex. C’mon, look at what Jim & Tammie Bakker got, and then think what a much more attractive, intelligent and interesting person like YOU could have… Though we can’t promise that you will start seeing giant insects in the corner of your solicitor’s office, like Jim did, or that “Maximum Bob” (or perhaps it should be Maximum “Bob”?) will slap you in the slammer for 50 years. Commandments written in stone, secret rituals and sexual guilt are optional extras.
So, the “choice” is yours (the illusion of free will, doncha jus’ lurve it?). You can continue in the daily drudgery of life as a down-trodden minion of the Conspiracy, or you can join “Bob” for an eternity of laffs, yuks and (provisionally) Kim Basinger.
CHURCH OF THE SUB-GENIUS: PO BOX 140306, Dallas, TX 75214, USA.