Once again, we enter a strange universe, full of weird sights, inhabited by unusual creaturs, mole people and nine-foot tall ants… It’s Weekly World News Time again, but before we start, some people wanted to know where they could get copies of this wonderful publication – the answer is I don’t know! I buy mine from Tower Records in London, and I’ve not even seen it anywhere else – you could try phoning up/writing and asking them if they do mail order. “Tower Records, 1 Piccadilly Circus, London” should get a letter there – phone 01-439-2500. If that fails, let me know and I can acquire copies for you whenever I’m in the area. Enough reality, let’s get weird…

The diagram shows the scrambled position of Chinese genius Li Piao’s internal organs. In spite of his amazing internal mix-up, Li’s in remarkably good health, doctors in Beijing say; “When he exercises vigorously, his head pounds…”

GIRL, 15, IS PREGNANT WITH BABOON’S BABY – She was attacked by a baboon in late May ( clearly the sap rising ) and ultrasound tests show that the foetus has the facial features of a baboon, and is covered in a thick mat of hair. The mother has vowed to carry the baby to term.

While on the subject of weird pregnancies, the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology reports the birth, by Caesarian section, of a baby to a girl born with no vagina… She had just had oral sex with her boyfriend when an old flame burst in and stabbed her – the blade pierced both her stomach and one of her fallopian tubes, the rest followed naturally! Keeping up the sex theme :

BIZARRE MOLE PEOPLE TRIBE STOLE MY BRIDE – a West German geologist took his new bride into the intrerior of Venezuela on honeymoon – “One night our camp was over- run by hideous, pale-skinned men with huge, bug-like eyes the size of golf balls.” They were taken into a cave, but the man managed to escape – he now wants to lead a rescue expedition to try and recover her.

JUNGLE GUIDE IS EATEN BY 9-FT TALL ANTS – guess that says it all! “I turned around just in time to see one of the ants capture Jorge in its pincers. Another one grabbed hold of his leg. Then they tore him to shreds.” The survivor shot one of the ants, and the others carried it off, leaving him behind. “We must find out more about these ants before it’s too late” said Dr Romay, a world renowned expert on South American insects. He’s obviously seen “Them” and “Phase IV”!!

SEVEN SPACE ALIEN BODIES – Apparently, the Soviets have recovered the corpses of seven monkey-sized aliens in Afghanistan and taken them to Moscow for study. This ‘amazing revelation’ comes from a letter received by a Russian soldiers family. It’s worth printing in full:

“Dear Mother: I hope you are as well as I am. Last night I and 30 of my comrades were taken at night by truck 75 km South of Kabul. On a hillside was the burned wreckage of a spaceship and the bodies of seven little men no taller than 3 feet, about the size of a monkey. They were horribly burned, had huge pointed ears and tiny eyes. They were bald with no eyebrows or eyelashes. Their naked bodies were being placed in plastic bags and loaded into a refrigerator truck. Tags attached to their toes said they were bound for Moscow. When my sergeant saw me looking, he chased me away; “These are men from Mars” he said [ !! ], “Don’t look”. I and my comrades worked through the night loading the spaceship wreckage on the trucks. When we were finished, we were told not to tell anyone. With love, your son.”

COMPUTER CHARGED… – A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder of champion Nikolai Gudkov, electrocuted when he touched the metal board he and the computer were playing on. “This was no accident, it was cold blooded murder. He won three straight games and the computer couldn’t stand it” said police investigator Alexei Shainev. There’s a picture of a “super computer” – I knew the Russians were behind, but surely they can do better than an old telephone exchange?

SEA SERPENTS FROM SPACE EAT 3 FISHERMEN – In the Med, Capt. Carre and his three crewmen were quietly minding their own business fishing when suddenly they saw a fiery saucer shaped UFO. Then the water below them began to froth and two sea- serpents rose up out of the sea and slithered over the side of the boat; the sheer weight of the creatures broke the boat in two. “Their movements were mechanical”, said the good Cap’n. “They acted like robots. I know they were under somebody’s control”.

A few weeks ago, the WWN reached a new high in journalism when they ran some pix of notorious murderer Ted Bundy after his electrocution and autopsy [Since writing this, I’ve found out that one of the Sunday papers in Britain did the same]. Here’s a letter from their ‘Sound Off!’ page:

“Congratulations! I’m sure you took guff from some bleeding hearts because you ran the pictures of butcher Ted Bundy, but I want to tell you that everyone I know here in Atlanta thought it was wonderful to see that animal fried and laid out on a slab like that. That edition should be a collector’s item. We bought up every one we could find in our neighbourhood. The neighbours have been flocking to our house to see it, and they appreciate it as much as we do. So again, congratulations for having the backbone to show us what that beast looked like when he finally got what he deserved. As someone else said, he never looked better”.

Remind me to avoid going to Atlanta. Pleasant dreams.