Have I Got ____ For ___ – The [Censored] Tapes

Have I Got __ For _ – The [Censored] Tapes

by Trash City May 27, 2001

You probably know Have I Got News For You, the satirical news quiz that pits Ian Hislop, Paul Merton and celebrity guests against each other in a light-hearted battle of wit and irony. The following purports to be a transcript of the sections removed from an episode, when the guests included Jimmy Saville, and things got more than usually out of hand. It is entirely possible that it is a complete fabrication, and I make absolutely no claims as to the validity of the following – but even if it’s a complete fabrication, it is extremely funny.

Or rather, it was. Demon refused to let me publish the full version – what follows is edited, and approved by them. If you want to see the reasons why this is the only version I’m allowed to publish, here are the details.

Series 17, Show 7

Recorded 27/5/99 for transmission on 28/5/99
Guests: Sir James Saville OBE, Diane Abbott MP
Prog No: 06/HGT/SW76Q
Running time: 102'46'03 (Edited to 28'54)
Producer: Giles Pilbrow
Hat Trick 1999

Here are some extracts from an unedited Have I Got News For You rushes
tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and printed in
bold.)

Out-take 1: 02’45
Following a discussion about the England rugby boss taking cocaine:

MERTON
It wouldn’t be so bad if News Of The World, News International, if they actually paid any tax in this country – they haven’t paid any tax since about 1983. So that would be alright, you could say ‘Well, y’know, OK, they can have a go at the royals, they can have a go at anybody’. But they, y’know, they owe us billions of pounds in tax. You could have built hospitals with that. Or given it to me. (Audience applauds)

DEAYTON
I assume the applause was for the hospitals, not giving it to Paul. (Audience laughs)

[MERTON
There you go – that’s me reading Ian’s bits on the autocue. That’s post-modern for you. Hospitals? Yeah, like I give a fuck. (Huge audience laugh)

SAVILLE
The ______ of the ________ – what’s his name?

HISLOP
________.

SAVILLE
That’s right. Very nice man.

HISLOP
Mmm. ________________________________ (____ ______ _______ _____; Audience giggles)

DEAYTON
I feel the word ‘allegedly’ homing into view…

HISLOP
Yes. And I feel the phrase ‘________ __ _ ___ ___ ______’ homing into view. (Pause) Sorry, I’m just looking at our lawyer in the front row. (Waves at lawyer) Hello! (Audience laughs)

DEAYTON
Have you ever taken drugs, Jimmy?

SAVILLE
Well…

HISLOP
You can tell us. ________ and you are like that.]

SAVILLE
I have a drugs record. (Uncertain pause)

HISLOP
Do you?

SAVILLE
Mm.

HISLOP
And do you play it a lot? (Audience laugh)

SAVILLE
212 marathons and I’ve never been tested once.

[HISLOP
Good god. You and ________ both.

SAVILLE
Ah, but he never ran the marathon…

HISLOP
Oh right…

MERTON
Yes he did. He used to go dressed as a ___ ___ ______. (Audience laughs)

HISLOP
Oh yes, I remember now…

MERTON
It made a change from a giant chicken, so he said. The judge gave him five years (Pause) I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve done 212 of these shows and I’ve never been tested once.

HISLOP
(To Saville) So they’ve never tested you?

SAVILLE
Yeah. ] And I say, what’s wrong with me, why can’t you test me? And he said ‘Because you come in last, so…’. (Audience laugh)

Out-take 2: 04’17
Following a discussion about Sun editor David Yelland’s decision to publish topless pictures of Sophie Rhys Jones:

SAVILLE
It’s well out of order.

HISLOP
Indeed. And it’s Mr Murdoch again.

SAVILLE
Yes. How would he like to see his, er, er, secret lover naked in someone else’s paper?

HISLOP
If anyone’s got any pictures, do drop them…in…

[MERTON
____ ___ ____.

DEAYTON
Well, you’ll have to share them with us next time, Paul…

MERTON
I will. It could be an entirely new game. ________________________

DEAYTON
Are you _______ __ _________ _______ _______ into question?

MERTON
Not at all. __________________

DEAYTON
We look forward to it.

MERTON
I don’t. ________________ (Smattering of audience applause)

DEAYTON
But The Sun have apologised, of course…]

Out-take 3: 09’36
During the headline round:

DEAYTON
You used to be a wrestler didn’t you?

SAVILLE
I still am.

DEAYTON
Are you?

SAVILLE
___ ______ __ _____ ______ ______ __ ___ _______. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON
Yeah, I’ve heard about that.

SAVILLE
What have you heard?

DEAYTON
I’ve…

MERTON
____________________________ (Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)

SAVILLE
____________________________

MERTON
____________________________ (Audience laughs)

HISLOP
Weren’t you leaving money in phone boxes or something? (Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the…

SAVILLE
(To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.

DEAYTON
Yes. And then you mentioned ______ _______. I don’t know whe…

SAVILLE
Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I was. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON
So were you a professional wrestler?

SAVILLE
Yes I was.

DEAYTON
(To audience) Glad we got that cleared up. (Pulls face; audience giggles)

HISLOP
______ __ _____ ______ _____ __ ___ _______…

SAVILLE
That’s right.

MERTON
_________________________ (Huge audience laugh)

DEAYTON
Erm…

HISLOP
You’re on top form tonight, Paul…

SAVILLE
(Strangely) I’m…this is not what I…

FLOOR MANAGER (OOV)
OK, do you…[inaudible section]…shall we, for pick-ups…

MERTON
I’m terribly sorry. I don’t know what came over me.

SAVILLE
_______________________ (Shocked audience laugh)

MERTON
Oh, it’s nice to see you joining in. We’d been waiting for you, _____________. (Audience appears to do double-take)

DEAYTON
I think we…d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?

MERTON
Sorry, I do apologise. ________________________________ (Audience unrest)

HISLOP
Sorry, I’m just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! (Audience laughs)

DEAYTON
Shall we get back on course with this, or sha…

SAVILLE
_______________________________________

MERTON
_______________________________________ (Audience laughs)

FLOOR MANAGER (OOV):
Come on…I’m getting an ear-bashing here. It’s…

MERTON
Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I’ll contain myself. Carry on…

DEAYTON
Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn’t you? (Huge audience laugh)

SAVILLE
(Calmly) I did.]

DEAYTON
You didn’t have a nickname or anything?

SAVILLE
Yes – ‘Loser’. (Audience laughs)

Out-take 4: 21’20Following a discussion about caravans:

DEAYTON
Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. [Asked by the…

MERTON
I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.

SAVILLE
Did you really?

MERTON
Oh yes. ______________________________ (Audience laugh)

HISLOP
He just told you, it was twelve years ago…

SAVILLE
No, I lived in it for twelve years.

MERTON
_____________________________ (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON
Here we go again…I’ll be backstage if anyone wants me.

MERTON
_____________________________ (Audience laugh)

SAVILLE
_____________________________

HISLOP
Not even Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE
She was an exception.

DEAYTON
Who’s Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE
Sarah Cornley is…

HISLOP
About fifteen grand in damages, wasn’t she? (Uncertain audience laugh)

SAVILLE
That’s right.

HISLOP
_____________________________

SAVILLE
You’d be very wrong. (Pause) _______________________ (Audience unease)