by Peter “money is still my God” Payne
with additional thoughts by Peter “Studio Hell City” Evans

First, a self-introduction: My name is Peter Payne. I live at Maebashi, Japan. I am 24 years old. My hobby is to study kanji, play with Macintosh computers, and listen to the music.

But really. My name is Peter, and I’m from a very warm, balmy place called San Diego, California. Which makes me American, although my father is from Shipston-on-War (like, that sounds so British). He emigrated to the States in the 50s, so I’m officially Anglo-American. Some things I’ve learned since coming to Japan to “teach” “English” at an “English school” are: Australians will get offended if you say you can’t tell their accents apart from New Zealanders, Canadians will go agro if you ask them what state they’re from, and people from England–well, let’s just say that they certainly aren’t in favour of anyone with an accent like mine having anything to do with teaching. But since I’m really half British (though, as one friend put it, “my mouth is American”), you have to read this article.

I’ll admit it: I’ve wanted to write this kind of article ever since a friend of mine named Adam denounced Japanese women in Parachute Limit #1 (a ‘zine we publish in San Diego). But to write it before now would have been a fool’s errand, for the simple reason that I lacked qualification big-time. Before actually coming to Japan to live, I’d had almost as many stereotyped images of Japanese people as most of you reading these words, despite having studied the language for four years. Now that I’ve been through the fire, though, I think I can say that I’m ready to present the fairer sex of this country to you in the usual unbiased, laconic style which TC readers have become accustomed to.

Japanese Girls Next Door At first I was going to write an article about the Japan’s most beautiful women, her National Faces, when a friend of mine reminded me that the Seiko Matsudas and Rie Miyazawas are not actually representative of the women here–they’re exceptions. So I decided to expand my topic to include very day girls you’ll meet in the street, or at least, in English conversation classrooms

As a basic rule, Japanese women generally follow the same personality-dulling life-cycle as men. Cute innocence as children gives way to mediocrity in junior-high school as the assembly line-style Japanese education kicks in and fulfils the Japanese proverb ‘deru kui wa utareru’, “the standing nail is driven” (i.e., the nail which sticks out gets smashed down to be like all the others). As a result, the Japanese high school student’s idea of rebellion is wearing a hair ribbon or getting a perm in defiance of school rules. The pressures of studying to get into a good high school or college are generally less for girls than for boys, since, well, they’re girls, and they’re just going to get married and give up their careers anyway–but it is there for those with the drive to yearn for more than marriage and children.

Despite the racist view that Americans and Europeans (and sometimes me) like to take of Japanese people — that they are the human equivalents of worker ants — Japanese are quite individual. They have different interests, personalities, likes and dislikes. On the other hand, Japanese girls and women do tend to come in several different “flavours” or personality types, which I will now attempt to outline for you.

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America Kabure: From ‘kabureru’, “to be influenced,” America Kabure-types are the ones influenced by US/European society so much that they actually wish they were from the land of baseball made in America, cheap stuff made in China and Apple computers made in Ireland. They dress like Americans, listen to Guns ‘n’ Roses, and frequently know more about 60’s pop culture than I do (which admittedly isn’t hard). They are also generally in the market for a gaijin boyfriend, if they don’t have one already, and of all Japanese girls are the most likely to go to bed with you just because you’re American [or British, hopefully – Ed.]. (See also Yellow Cab.)

Burriko: From ‘buru’, “to be false” and ‘ko’, “child,” burriko girls are overly-cute. A great deal of Japanese pop culture relies on the well-developed sense of kawaii (cute) in the Japanese, and these girls are the natural results. Burriko types make a conscious effort to act “cute”; they pout and make cute drawings on their desks and shriek “kawaii!” as a kind of sacrifice to the gods of girlish virginity.

[Commonly, an Office Lady who can be discussing astrophysics with you until the boss comes in, then it’s: “You want a paper clip? Oh, I’m so happy. Would you like a small one? A big one? What colour would you like? Here, have two paper clips! What about three paper clips?…”]

The Dud: Japanese girls who have no strong feelings one way or another about anything, aspire only to be thought of as “average Japanese girls” and who basically have no deep emotions, I call “duds.” They are, sadly, one of the more common personality types.

Ei-kaiwa no Himé: This means “English conversation princess,” and yes, it’s a word I coined. These girls, usually OLs (“office lady”) but occasionally girls in college, pay $20 and up per hour to study English conversation once a week at one of the many money-grubbing Ei-kaiwa schools in Japan. Sometimes it’s a sort of fashion statement–“Did I mention that I’m studying English conversation at Nani Nani English School on Thursday nights?”–but occasionally they have a genuine interest. (See also America Kabure.)

Tokyo Stylin’ Chicks: For whatever reason, girls in Tokyo are about nine times as pretty as girls in Gunma-ken, where I live. It happens every time I take the train to Ueno. By the time you reach Omiya, a city in-between where I live and Tokyo, you start to notice that there are beautiful women all around you. Coming back, you notice that the knee-high spike boots, the black leather and fake fur, the miniskirts and garters and peter pans and the ¥20,000 perms have somehow disappeared by the time you get to Omiya, and only the babushka-clad dogs from Gunma remain. (This is formally called the Wall of Omiya Effect.)

[Hmm, have to agree with the man. Still he missed out on the Roppongi Clones and the babes in the mega-trendy nightclubs: “That’s not a miniskirt, that’s a belt”. Yes, you really can see their knickers. Buh!]

High Miss: One interesting form of rebellion in this society are the small percentage of women who, for whatever reason, remain single past the age of 30 in defiance of the Japanese custom of teiki reiki, which dictates that the time for marriage is between 19 and 25. these women are called high miss or old miss, Japanese-English versions of what was once called an old maid in the West.

Yanki: Probably some kind of corruption on the word “yankee,” yanki refers to a more blatant class of Japanese rebel. Yanki are young Japanese male and female wanna-be toughs who attempt to dye their hair blonde (it invariably comes out orange) and act like they think Japanese society doesn’t want them to act (although, in reality, they are just catching a counter-current in Japanese culture and thus are conforming as strongly as they would be otherwise). The preferred clothing label for yanki girls is a Japanese maker called Miki House, for some reason. A more hard-core subset of yanki are the boso-zoku, the uniform-wearing loud-car-and-motorcycle-racing thugs introduced to Americans through the animated movie Akira.

While there are the occasional ties to the Japanese mafia and drugs, boso-zoku generally are content to roam Japanese festivals in their best military-style uniforms and driving round making noise with their modified vehicles to get their kicks. Despite the obvious drawbacks to people who like sleeping at night, I find myself respecting yanki-ism because they are the true “randoms” of Japan. When I see a well-fed, well-educated Japanese guy with a T-shirt bearing Malcolm X’s image and the words “ghetto culture,” I really have to shake my head. At least these ruffians are ruffians who have carved a cultural niche without carbon-copying the pop-culture of the West.

Yamato Nadeshiko: An old word which describes the “classic” Japanese woman, quiet and subservient to males, these women are thankfully rare. I say thankfully because nothing could be more boring than a woman who will tie her man’s shoes for him. Many a navy serviceman has bought home a Japanese wife thinking that she would wait on him hand and foot, only to find that he had married a stereotype. The opposite of Yamato Nadeshiko is Kakah-denka, women who are mentally stronger than their husbands, and have basically castrated them into submission. I have seen many more examples of the latter than the former, usually among American/Japanese marriages, and thus am a little wary of marrying into this culture.

Yellow Cab: An ugly word, Yellow Cab refers to Japanese girls, usually living outside of Japan, who are, well, easy to ride. Ridiculous as it may sound, it’s a pressing problem. I’ve seen the pattern more than once in the States: Japanese girl gets hung up on America, and goes there to live her obsession in much the same way as my being in Japan. Unfortunately, said girl doesn’t have that many friends, because she doesn’t know anyone in that city, or doesn’t speak English, or is a twit and shunned by Japanese companions. What does she do? She learns that by sleeping with anyone who’ll spend time with her, she can have what she thinks is missing. Despite danger from a host of you-know-whats, it indicates a general moral breakdown and is a sad phenomenon.

[Commonly used for space-case Office Ladies on pathetically short holidays with the mission objective of collecting a full spectrum of STDs in as short a period as possible. He’s right, it is an ugly word]

And now…Peter Presents: Best of Three Pretty Girls

I’ve talked about every day Japanese girls you can meet on the street; now I’ll present the three girls who are, IMHO, the most beautiful girls Japan has to offer.

Rie Miyazawa: A corporate entity that wants to succeed in this country needs three things: a nifty corporate slogan with matching corny slogan (something like ‘kimi no yume e’, “to your dream”), a head office in Tokyo with twice as many employees as really necessary, and a visible spokesperson–usually a beautiful model–which it can associate itself with. These girls aren’t just idols; they drive Japan’s domestic advertising machine.

Half-Dutch and half-Japanese, Rie Miyazawa certainly qualifies for the beautiful part. Far and away Japan’s Most Popular Face, she advertises “Super Cup” cup ramen, Edwin Jeans, Daihatsu’s “Opti” car, Panasonic’s “Selfie” stereo line and (with Arnold Schwarzenegger, known as “Schwa-chan” here) Aidamin ‘V’ vitamin drink. In November of 1991, Rie shocked Japan by releasing a collection of nude photos entitled Santa Fe (yes, I own a copy). She recently became engaged to be married to popular sumo wrestler Takahanada, only to be rendered “up in the air” by a challenge from the Sumo Association about Rie’s role as the wife of a major sumo wrestler and problems with Rie’s mother, the original Dragon Lady. If the Kennedys are America’s “royal family”, then Rie and Takahanada will certainly fill the same role in Japan if they get married.

Yuka Watanabe: Having just turned 21, the lovely Yuka Watanabe is far and away my favourite “Beppin Gal.” Beppin, with it’s spin-offs, Beppin School and Dela (Deluxe) Beppin), is a medium to high-end Japanese adult magazine which we got to see a great deal of thanks to all the Japanese smut we sold to anime fans [it’s a fair cop – Ed.] at Anime Expo ’92.

Yuka-chan (birthday 23/12/72, sign Capricorn) is 80 centimetres bust, 56 waist and 80 hip, and she’s 159 cm tall. Her blood type is B, and her first nude photo collection came out April 11, 1991. She collects fashion accessories and “tereka” (telephone cards–the Japanese do love to truncate words). You can write her at the Beppin Shinjuku-ku Aisumi-machi 13-10 Akebono-bashi K-1 Building 2F Eichi Shuppan-nai Yoko Family Club-kei 160. Damn that’s a hell of an address.

“Thanks to all my readers for staying with me for so long,” Ms. Watanabe said at Beppin’s 8th anniversary party. She then plugged her next photo book, entitled “Magic of Love.” “Please look at my body now that I’ve become an adult.”

Ai Ijima: Finally we get to A/V queen turned talento, the undisputed T-back queen of Japan, Ai Ijima. (English check: “A/V” refers to the adult video industry, and “T-back” refers to these sort of G-string-type panties which leave little to the imagination but can still be shown on TV). Ai’s current photo book is entitled “Ai My Me.” (“Ai” means love, thus this means “Love My Me.”)

She appears every once in a while in porno mags such as Beppin, Scholar, and The Best and stars on an entertainment-for-men TV show called Gilgamesh Night on TV Tokyo (channel 12) on Sunday mornings at 1:15 to 2:15, if you get Japanese TV for some reason. (This is the show which pits five scantily-clad girls against each other to see who could be first to melt penis-shaped blocks of ice with diamond rings encased inside using only their mouths.) According to “Gal’s Library,” the A/V “news and etc. source” section in Beppin, Ai recently donated her panties to charity, which were sold for ¥60,000. You will probably now be going, “How much money is ¥60,000?”…

(For copies of Parachute Limit, send 50¢ or something useless but interesting to Parachute Limit, c/o Max Callahan, 4122 Mt. Alifan #E San Diego 92111 USA.)

At first glance, ‘Man-zoku’ is just the same as any other Japanese girlie mag – a mix of glossy and not-so-glossy pictures of babes in a state of near-undress. And like many of it’s kind, there is a fondness for using Japlish; normally, these are intriguing but near-unintelligible phrases such as ‘Exciting Magazine Attack on Gals!’, but in ‘Man-zoku’ (translatable as ‘Man Tribe’, I believe), the reader eventually notices a pattern:

• “I’m waiting for Exective [sic] companion”
• “Yoshiwara V.I.P. Room”
• “First Lady King Owner’s Club”

If you haven’t worked it out, I’ll be blunt. ‘Man-zoku’ is a 160+ page catalogue of prostitutes. Name, age, height, measurements, specialities, telephone numbers and prices are all there, and that’s just the bits I can decipher. Even blood-type is listed; in Japan, this has significance in perhaps a similar way that star-signs have here, supposedly influencing personality, etc.

When this realisation hit me, I was awe-struck. It is at once such a simple idea, and yet so beautifully fresh (bit like the Walkman, really). It waltzes merrily around the major problem people have with prostitution, namely the low-life scum associated with red-light areas (kerb-crawlers, drug-pushers, judges, MPs, etc.). Instead, simply flick through the selection, select the girl of your dreams, and dial her up, easy as ordering a pizza. If this method of getting sex took off here, half the wine bars in London would probably close.

Further research (god, I love this job!) revealed some interesting trends. Well, actually it revealed no trends at all, but Steve and I had a whale of a time, one dull Sunday afternoon, typing in Japan-easy girls’ stats into a computer spreadsheet. We plotted graphs, drew charts and tried to correlate age with bust size, price with blood type, or height to hips/waist ratio, but about all it proved is that we probably need to get out more often. Though we did discover the ‘158 Factor’; theory suggests height should follow a bell-shape curve, so why did so many say they were 158 cm tall? 17% did, but I only found a single maverick listed as 157 cm. All explanations on a postcard, please.

However, some more general points should be mentioned. Firstly, the price is quoted for a time: Y8,500 for 30 minutes is common. To save you the bother, that’s about fifty quid. This may seem expensive – OK, it is expensive – but bear in mind that in Tokyo, getting into a night-club could easily cost you 30 pounds, and that’s without drinks and no definite shag. However, you can shop around: prices range from 5,000/70 minutes to 12,000 for half an hour. Some babe in a very nice jacket was offered at forty thousand, but that did get you two hours. You presumably do not get a refund if you call any time outs.

“What do you get for your money?”, you may be asking. To which I would reply, “How the hell should I know?”. But luckily, we have this (suspiciously eye-witness) account from Nick Bornhoff’s “Pink Samurai”:

“Shirahama makes sure that the guest gets every yen’s worth, beckoning to him to join her over on the psychiatrist’s couch. Intermittently resorting to amazingly skilled oral and manual sexual techniques for the best part of an hour, Shirahama will coax renewed vigour and repeated encores from even the most flagging and recalcitrant member…If a job is worth doing to the Japanese, it’s worth doing properly”

None of which does anything to dissuade me that the Japanese have come up with another worthy export. Another point is that the photos accompanying the texts have the definite ring of truth. The thought of faking something up probably wouldn’t even occur. Compare this with here, where the three certainties in life are “death”, “taxes” and “the girls in adverts for 0898 numbers are not the ones on the other end of the line”.

Thirdly, it may be a racist, stereotyped cliché to say they all look the same, but it is also accurate – at least for the admittedly non-random sample in Man-zoku’s pages. Now, I’m a great fan of “elfin beauty”, but there’s only so much elf a man can handle, and even I got to the stage where the sudden appearance of a few blond-haired, siliconed, Western hookers was sufficient to evoke a pang of nostalgia. Incidentally, they weren’t notably differently priced from the local product.

But the cream on top of this particular pint of Gold Top is a sheet in the middle of the magazine, which perhaps sums up the entire difference in cultures more than anything else. No matter what, even if Man-zoku began to publish a London edition, I can never see English prostitutes accepting money-off coupons…

Keeping abreast of safe sex

Santa Cruz, California – A group of university students has found a unique way to raise money for a safe sex instruction guide: topless carwashes. About a dozen women, most of them students at the University of California in Santa Cruz, hope to repeat later this summer the topless carwash they held last weekend to raise funds for a calendar that will include instructions on safe sex for lesbians and bisexual women. “It would be nice to have one before the end of the summer before it gets too cold to stand outside topless,” said Wendy van Thiel. The women charged a mininum of $5 for the wash.

‘Lowly worm’ puppets for fingers, not tongues

Washington – A federal agency announced Monday the Taco Bell fast-food chain voluntarily agreed to recall 500,000 finger puppets named “Lowly Worm” and “Huckle Cat” because three kids put them on their tongues where they got stuck. The Consumer Product Safety Commission also said another 80,000 free giveaways by the taco chain, “Rocky & Bullwinkle” inflatable balls, were being voluntarily recalled because several youngsters complained they got dizzy blowing them up. Those returning them will get a free taco, the agency said. It failed to explain how the three children got the finger puppets off their tongues.

Girls risk AIDS in gang initiation rite

San Antonio, Texas – Five teenage girls have told planned parenthood counsellors here they deliberately had sex with an HIV-infected gang member as part of a potentially deadly gang initiation rite. Planned parenthood spokeswoman Jo Ann King-Sinnett said the girls, aged 14 and 15, reported their activities to planned parenthood counsellors earlier this year. King-Sinnett said the girls boasted they risked HIV infection to prove their toughness and win acceptance in a Hispanic gang on the city’s west side.

Clinton’s tongue tied

Cleveland, Ohio – U.S. President Bill Clinton may have declared sweeping change but it sounds as though he has picked up right where former President George Bush left off — fracturing the English language. during a speech in Cleveland, Clinton became just as tongue-tied as his predecessor. “We’ve got a lot of complicated problems,” said Clinton, “and I know, I knew when I got there it wasn’t going to happen overnight. I’ve been criticised for doing more than one thing at once. I’ve always felt — can you do one thing at once? Can you do — wouldn’t it be nice if all you had to do was go to work and not take care of your family?

Uncut…Unexpurgated…Ungrammatical…Unreadable…It’s time for…

Lino-types!

Picture it, London, April 1993, handsome editor Jim McLennan is talking to loveable Lino……
“Listen, Jim, of course you can trust me.”
“I hope so, I need those reviews as soon as possible”

Ha, what a fool Jim is, it is now November 1993 and I’m only just sitting down to write the reviews! Now it isn’t that I’ve done this on purpose, it’s just that I’ve had other pressing matters on my mind. Don’t you hate it when people resort to threats to get things done, and anyway, Jim, I don’t think it’s physically possible to “Stick your moronic head up your huge arse!”)

Sorry, I think I was getting off the point just a touch, and for that, I apologise.

Right, on with the reviews, as it has been a bit a while since the last reviews, if I have more than one issue of a particular mag I’ll stick the reviews together. And now, if everyone’s up to date and sitting comfortably I’ll begin.

Ohh, My Brain Hurts 9-11……….50p. Three issues eh, three issues Jim, that’s young people for you; issue nine is an anime special and has guest reviews from the likes of Jim McLennan (Hmmmm) and also has reviews of Man Bites Dog, Burial Ground and an article on Drive-In movies. Issue Ten is a McLennan free zone but still has lots in the way of Anime reviews (watch out for that bandwagon!!!), Braindead and a Frank Zappa overview. Issue Eleven takes a look at the short films of Sam Raimi and has reviews of Bullet In The Head and Cinema Of Vengeance (superb video mastering on that movie, i wonder who was responsible!) and some more Anime reviews (Phew, that was close, they managed to jump onto that bandwagon!). Nice work (for the most part) by Madam Auty and his love slaves and for 50p you could do a lot worse.

Jonestown Aloha…………$3? Joshua Wilson, an American, A sick American, and aren’t they the best. Josh has written all you wanted to know about Jim Jones and then written a bit more. His ‘zine came complete with a Jim Jones sticker and packet of Fla-Vor-Aid (Thirsty, Mr. McLennan?); Jonestown Aloha contains a transcript of Jim’s last sermon and some great pictures of his followers. Superb entertainment for the bus or tube!

Gore Gazette 108-109………..$1. Rick Sullivan’s marriage doesn’t seem to have calmed him down any, which is a very good thing, as Gore Gazette still pokes it’s stumpy dick into the eye of the likes of Film Threat and the likes. Issue 108 votes Harvey Keitel as G.G. Man Of The Year for 1992 and has the usual rambling editorial and wide range of reviews (The Distinguished Gentleman???!). Issue 109 charts Gore Gazettes troubles with Russ (Gimme more money) Meyer, as well as re-printing a letter from an irate reader, who berates Rick Sullivan for slagging off Mexican Americans and a funnier letter from a Patrick Bateman who claims that Rick’s marriage is rotting his cock and his mind and who also encloses a wad of tissue complete with sperm! I look forward to the hardback reprint of all 107 issues!

Dementia 13 10-12…………..1.75 & 2.00. Fiction, fiction, fiction fiction, art and fiction. Do you get the message!
Good!
Now buy it!
Ta!

Yutte Stensgaard…….Price Unknown. Mentioned by Jim in the last issue, Tim Greaves takes fan adoration one step further and… [sorry, Lino, you’ve taken so long that this one’s now sold out!]

Madeline Smith……….Price Unknown. Tim Greaves opens up…[and this one, too!]

Mkultra 9………..2.75. Now, listen, I’ve told you all before, I like Mkultra, and this issue’s no exception. It calls itself “A Pure Trash Special”, and it certainly is pretty trashy. Articles range from a Troma retrospective (including a repro of a Troma press sheet) to an article on Dr. Who claiming it to be the definitive trash T.V. programme?!?!! On the way they stop at John Waters, Russ Meyer and a lot more. Editor Andrej Karczewski has gotten rid of the long rambling articles that used to feature in “Mkultra” and in my opinion slowed the whole pace of the ‘zine down. Now my only quibble with it is the cover price, 2.75, for a black & white ‘zine?????

Oh No, Not Another Fanzine! 1……….60p. Oh yes it is, (Ha I just made that up!). “Oh, No…” Is a spoof ‘zine and has a few moments of inspired wit (for a much better read try the ‘zine that appears inside Spencer Hickmans “Psychotic Reaction”, NOW THAT IS FUNNY!). Included in issue one of “Oh, no….” are such delights as interviews with Alfred Hitchcock and reviews of the films “Brains Splattered Everywhere” and “Nightmare on Elm St 7 : It’s Halloween”. Best for me was an ad in the back of the ‘zine which reads as follows:
“Help, I am a new collector, if you are a dealer please send your list to me at 3, Soho Square, Soho, London”!!!!

Sadist 1………….1.75. A comic strip that is well drawn, funny and original? YES, Sadist follows the adventures of Teenscene & Harold Sadist as they smash they’re way across the U.K. in search of random acts of violence. Hang on, doesn’t sexy HRH Princess Mink look awfully familiar? Find out for yourself and track down a copy.

Body Count 2………..1.25. O.K. lets get this out of the way, I HATE POSTERS THAT APPEAR IN FANZINES (unless they’re half naked orientals, eh, Jim!). I HATED THE POSTERS IN “IN THE FLESH” AND THE POSTER IN “BODY COUNT” IS SOME CRAPPY B & W HAND DRAWN (BY A RETARD) ABORTION. Right, now I’ve got that off my chest, “Body Count” #2 contains a section called Prime Cuts which lists differences in various versions of films such as Hellraiser (I & II) and Legend of the Overfiend, and is full of really useful information, for instance, B SKY B are showing films in longer versions than are available on video? Now why didn’t they include more of this AND LESS OF THE SODDING POSTER ARGGGHHHH. Sorry, anyway, there are the usual reviews and BLOODY HELL A PICTURE GALLERY, GOD, DAMN, ARRGGHHH.

The Wild Places 7…………Price Unknown. Shamen, U.F.O.’s, gobblegook, mumbo-jumbo, weirdo’s, geek’s, losers, anoraks….. I could go on, but what’s the point. If you like the supernatural doings buy it, if you like laughing at geeks, watch someone else buy it, follow them home, laugh at them through their windows! [Hmm, didn’t you like it last time, Lino?]

Legend Of The O.V.A. Fiend 1……….1.50. Look in the dictionary, find the word Meglomania, and [as well as discovering how to spell it correctly…] next to it you will find a picture (probably with an inane grin on his face) of Gentleman Jim McLennan. Yes, for he does verily contribute to this new ‘zine. Issue one looks at all manner of things Japanese (Both live action & Anime) and our mate Jim looks at “Lupin”. Can I just pause at this time and say that if I’m getting a bit carried away with mentioning Jim McLennan, it has to be said, that as I’m reviewing fanzines and Jim appears in what seems like all of them it really can’t be helped. Anyway, importing discs & tapes and having them converted is covered in this issue and overviews of Lodoss Wars and more. Written by fanatics for fanatics.

Children Of A Far Greater God 3……….1.50. Now, I like “Married With Children” a hell of a lot, anything that has info. on the show is good news as far as I’m concerned. (I spent a couple of weeks in the U.S. earlier this year and saw the first couple of episodes of the new series, good news is Kelly still appears, but the bad news is that it seems to have lost it’s sparkle). Issue three contains the first part of a complete episode guide and news about all the stars. What it doesn’t have is pictures of Kelly half naked slowly sinking into quicksand, all the time squirming and writhing around in the warm slick goo…………..Sorry. Right, I’m back. LWT, bring back married with children now!

Exploitation Retrospect 35…………..Price Unknown. Looks at muzak and stuff, tedious, American and un-interesting. Don’t bother, get a life instead.

Eidolon………. It says it’s the journal of Australian science fiction & fantasy, and it is, and it’s nice and I like it, and so will you. Thank you.

Great Universal 1,000,000 Prize Bingo…….Free. Just scratch the ‘X’s and win Millions……..Hang on what’s this doing in my bag, JIM!!

Invasion Of The Sad Man Eating Mushrooms….How the bloody hell am i supposed to know which issue it is the covers all bloody well black! Ok? Sorry, got a bit wound up there and I apologise. Anywaydedo “Invasion” has a letters page, including a letter from “Julie Arpino” who spends her time (always assuming this is a real person and not a false front!) Slagging off Spencer Hickman’s Nothing Shocking. Now as much as I’d like to jump into the argument I won’t, I’ll just say that I spent the day before the show with Spencer and he did everything humanly possible to get hold of the films he’d booked, and Julie, if you’re reading, I’m sorry you had such a bad time at the show, but if you think you can do better… Sorry Jim! Anyway “Invasion” covers Buttmans arse and talking of arse’s also covers Clive Barker (draw from this what you will!).

Riot………….40p…..ISSUE FIVE PUNKROCKNOISEREVIEWSERNIE*** CHEAPALRIGHTALRIGHT?

Fax 21 Summer/Winter 2043…………..Money Jim, have I reviewed these already? If I have ignore this, if I haven’t…News stories from the 21st Century, ha, they’re reet funny, HA Jim McLennan, Ha, buy it. Ha ha ha, hee hee hee I’m the laughing gnome and you can’t catch me…Tie me kangaroo down sport……Bibble. Bib.

Datakill 1………..25p. Loud, crowded, hard to read, music, perfect first issue. Avoid.

Fantasynopsis 5…………2.95. I used to be a werewolf, but I’m alright noooooooooo-owwwwwww. HA, HA. That was a joke about werewolves, and #5 of “Fantasynopsis” looks at werewolves and sundry other creepie ghoulie thingies, for instance, Herbert Lom, John Brosnan, Sapphire & Steel and more. Also includes pages & pages of reviews and a in depth interview with Michael Armstrong. One of the better reads available.

Girljock 8…………$3.95. Now, listen careful, I don’t intend to repeat myself, are you ready? O.K. Girljock is a surfing magazine for Lesbians. Issue #8 reviews Cher’s Workout Tape (errrrgghhh) and the cover features a naked lesbian on a surfboard. Why, I’ve got this I don’t know, but, if you’re a lesbian who would like to take up surfing, “Girljock” is the ‘zine for you. I thank you. [I think it’s probably true to say that Lino isn’t the target audience for ‘Girljock’. Readers may insert here their own joke about him surfing; bonus points for originality, wit and not using the words ‘harpoon’ or ‘beached’]

Sanity Sux 17………..$2.00. Now, this is more like it, a fanzine, written and edited by a fourteen year old American girl called Kim Martin (Her best friend is called Missy! HA!). It’s full of drawings of River Phoenix (Ha Ha GBH Ha Ha. lino) and fanzine reviews, and here is the review for issue #12 of “Trash City”: TC is a highly charming British ‘zine, mostly about Japanese culture-related things like Anime and Kung-Fu, but actually there’s not much of a central theme (HA! lino). There’s an article about the Dead Kennedys, excerpts from the Heathers script, a rant about customs, and even movie reviews! (duh, huh,huh!? lino) […and a pint of whatever Lino’s on please…]. Strange but interesting and very cool!

VERY COOL HA, HA, #Jim’s got a girlfriend, Jim’s got a girlfriend# [Jealousy will get you nowhere]. Anyway if you want to phone little Kimmy you can because she’s included her phone number along with this cryptic message:

If you are in a good mood and bored (???lino), then give me a call :1-706-532-XXXX. If 706 doesn’t work, then try 404; they’ve (the thought police?) screwed up out area codes. We leave our answering machine on all the time, so just start talking after the beep. If I’m at home, I’ll answer. PLEASE, NO OBSCENE messages – this is my parents machine & I’ll get in trouble. [yep, I wimped out – if you want to talk to Kim’s machine, you’ll have to write off for the ‘zine! But I know she is keen to hear from Brits, especially those with good audio tape collections…]

Well, there you go, sage words from one so young, and if you’re going to ring young Kim, send her Trash City’s love.

Well that’s really got to be it for this issue, to those I didn’t mention, you should think yourselves very fortunate. I must mention Tim Greaves “Vampyres”…[nope, it’s sold out too]. I have still got half a bag full of fanzines but I’ve simply run out of room and most of the ‘zines are incredibly old.

So, until we meet again, I bid you a fond farewell and hope to catch up with you at Psychotronik Video 18 Hanway Street, London, W1 (Just off Tottenham Court Road) Open 6 days a week. Telephone 071 637 4506. And in the immortal words of Casey (Shaggy) Kasim, “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!”

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[Arrived since the last batch went Lino-wards, or deemed too good for him; ‘Legend of the OVA-Fiend 2’, reviewed above, ‘Animejin’, the ‘official’ replacement for the now defunct Anime UK newsletter, and thus recommendable to anyone who used to get AUK-letter, ‘Veronica Carlson’, a Tim Greaves’ publication with droolworthy pics of said babe, and words too (hopefully, not out of print yet!), ‘Tales From the Cajun Sushi Bar’, highly readable fiction set in the remarkably odd anime multiverse, plus a new ‘Girljock”; I suspect I’m not the target audience either, yet I find it…strangely interesting, regardless of what Lino sez. They may play on the opposite wing, but the goal is still the same i.e. cute babes! But can I find the address? Can I heckaslike!

Also add ‘Strange Adventures’, still appearing with quite alarming regularity – dunno how Tony manages both frequency AND quality, ‘Asylum for Shut-ins’, a impressive collection of high weirdness available by mail (some of which makes TC look normal!), ‘The Hip Dad Look’, definitely high-weird, a 12-page Subgenius cutup rant of imaginatively low-tech, and ‘From the Sublime to the Ridiculous’, which is best described as TC-like in scope (this IS a compliment), with extra added roleplaying game bits…

Now, addresses for the publications mentioned above. Any omissions are because I’m still waiting to get the ‘zines back from Lino. They were last seen heading towards Tony at Psychotronik, who wanted to see if there were any worth stocking… Sigh. Who’d be an editor?]

• Animejin – Jonathan Weeks, 65 The High, Streatham High Rd, London, SW16 1EY.
• Asylum for Shut-ins – PO Box 46581, Bedford, OH 44146, USA.
• Children/Greater God – Miles Wood, 2nd Floor, 221 Ashmore Road, Queens’ Park, W9 3DB
• Dementia 13 – Pam Creais, 17 Pinewood Avenue, Sidcup, Kent, DA15 8BB.
• Fantasynopsis – Paul J. Brown, 1 Bascraft Way, Godmanchester, Cambs, PE18 8EG
• From the Sublime… – Alex Clark, 22 Crimon Place, Aberdeen, AB1 1RX
• The Hip Dad Look – Simon Wood, Fieldside House, London Rd, Blewbury, Oxon, OX11 9NY
• Invasion – PO Box 7, Upminster, Essex, RM14 2RH.
• Ooh My Brain Hurts – Daniel Auty, 9 Andrew Close, Wokingham, Berks, RG11 2HY.
• Sadist – Dom Morris, 32 Spital St, Lincoln, LN1 3EG.
• Sanity Sux – Kim Martin, 3754 Kimberley Drive, Gainesville, GA 30506, USA
• Strange Adventures/Fax 21 – Tony Lee, 13 Hazely Combe, Arreton, Isle of Wight,PO30 3AJ.
• Tales From the Cajun Sushi Bar – Jim Swallow, 21 Wadham House, 12 College Close, Edmonton, London, N18 2XT
• Veronica Carlson – Tim Greaves, 118 High St, Eastleigh, Hants, SO5 5LR.
• The Wild Places – Kevin McClure, 2O Trembear Road, St. Austell, Cornwall PL25 5NY
• Girljock [Hooray!] – Roxatronic Publishing, PO Box 882723, San Francisco, CA 94188-2723
• Jonestown Aloha – Joshua Wilson, 41 7th Ave. 3R, Brooklyn, NY 11217, USA

Philippine bank guard kills five in first gunfight

Manila – A security guard on Wednesday shot dead five armed men who had robbed one of the Philippines’ biggest commercial banks in what he said was his first-ever gunfight. Virgilio Joseco, pitting his 12-gauge shotgun against the robbers’ Uzi automatic weapons, picked them off one by one as they stormed out of the Bank of the Philippine Islands in a Manila suburb towards their getaway car, police said. Police recovered the 245,000 pesos ($9,800) and $7,000 in cash that the robbers had grabbed from the tellers’ counters. The bank said Joseco would receive a bonus but the amount had not been decided.

Uncle beats niece to death over 52 cents

Beijing – A man in northern China beat his 12-year-old niece to death with a wire whip, brooms and a washboard after accusing her of stealing a few cents from him, a local newspaper said. Sun Chang Sheng, who was sentenced to two years in prison for assault in 1983, whipped his niece Jia Yu for two hours on April 20, Monday’s edition of Shanxi Daily said. He justified his action saying the girl stole three yuan (52 cents) from him. At first he and his wife told the local hospital that the girl had fallen to her death from a window, but a doctor diagnosed she was beaten, the newspaper said.

Student bombed Hanover because he was introverted

Hanover, Germany – A 22-year-old student dubbed the “Bomber of Hanover” told a German court on monday he detonated three bombs that injured at least 23 people because he was introverted and had a passion for weapons. The student was arrested last October after a two-year manhunt and confessed to planting the bombs in the North German city in 1990 and 1991. He also admitted attempting to blackmail Hanover’s mayor for cash, diamonds and weapons. “I never had very much contact with other people,” the engineering student, named only Stefan S., told the court on the first day of his trial.

Debauched police chief dies by firing squad

Rabat – A Moroccan police comissioner was executed by firing squad on Monday for a three-year orgy of rape and sexual violence. The trial of Mohamed Mustapha Tabet, 54, created a sensation in March. He told the court he had had sex with 1,600 women. Prosecutors showed videos he took with hidden cameras in a Casablanca flat kept for his orgies. He was sentenced to death for rape, deflowering virgins [ouch!], abducting women, inciting debauchery, violence and assault. Moslem fundamentalists demanded Tabet be put to death by stoning or crucifixion.