The company Troma has become a legend in film circles (or at least the sort I move in), thanks to their technique of churning out low-budget exploitation movies with titles like ‘Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator’ and ‘Surf Nazis (Must Die)’. Their most renowned product is probably ‘The Toxic Avenger’, which gained notoriety when the BBFC demanded 15 minutes of cuts before release – it says a lot that the result was still perfectly intelligible! Here are some of their ‘forthcoming attractions’ :

THE TOXIC AVENGER, PART 2 – (Kurz & Weil, 1988).

The much awaited sequel to their international hit about a nerd who falls into some chemical waste and mutates into a superhero who wreaks revenge on his tormentors and any other bad peole. Even the cut version was superbly tacky and tasteless, with guide dogs getting shot, old ladies dry cleaned and kids run over. Unfortunately, Part 2 has very little of this sort of thing, probably due to it being a co-production with Lorimar (makers of ‘Dallas’ – or is it ‘Dynasty’?), who presumably demanded reducing the blood until it resembles a Saturday morning cartoon for kids. Toxie, as our hero is known, is unemployed since he cleaned up Tromaville, and heads off to Japan to seek his long lost father. This leaves the field clear for Apocalypse Inc to move in and turn Tromaville into a chemical dump. Toxie returns, having killed his father after finding him smuggling drugs, mops them up and discovers his real father.

The problem is that the messy splatter of the original has been replaced with funny fight sequences; Toxie is now little more than a Mr. T clone. Even his blind, blonde bimbo, one of the highlights last time, is played by a different actress (Phoebe Legear) and she’s far too twee. Despite a couple of promising moments, the overall result is something that makes you want to stick a mop down your, or Lorimar’s, throat. “Toxic Avenger 3” has been shot; one glimmer of hope is it’s subtitled “The Last Temptation of Toxie” – surely not a Lorimar co-production with that title!

TROMA’S WAR (Kurz & Weil, 1989)

A plane of tourists crashes on a Caribbean island to discover a group of terrorists are preparing to conquer the US. Naturally, the tourists can’t let that happen and take on the bad guys. “Makes Rambo look like ‘Lassie Come Home'”, said Variety. There certainly is a lot of blood here, 99% of it in the form of squibs going off after people get hit by bullets. There’s not a great deal else – gun battles occupy at least half the picture so if you liked “Commando”, this might well suit. There are some moments of BAD taste; a tongue pulling, a girl being raped by an AIDS sufferer and a Siamese twin getting, er, de-Siamed – how much of all this will survive on the video is a moot point. The characters (including ANOTHER blind bimbo!) are total stereotypes and the whole thing has an aura of heavy parody, which is generally unsuccessful since no-one of any intelligence took “Rambo” seriously to start with. Acceptable rather than brilliant.

EVIL CLUTCH (Andreas Marfori)

Troma also buy in foreign films; this is an Italian horror pic, and guess what? It is one of the WORST movies I have ever seen – I expected it to be bad, but it surpassed even my fears. The plot is totally incoherent (couple in woods, horror writer warns them of danger, they ignore him and are attacked by a ‘zombie’ whose makeup looks more like sun-burn), the cast numbers five and the director clearly got a Steadicam for Xmas; there is barely a shot without the camera swooping, swaying or disappearing up it’s own backside.

The first five minutes promise a lot of squirms, with a guy having his genitals torn off by a woman with claws in an unusual place (presumably Miss Evil Clutch). For the next 70-odd minutes though, there’s nothing except cliches, pointless scenes, dry ice and more bloody Steadicam shots. The end is gory enough – it’s just a shame that by then you’re so cynical that even the sight of a chainsaw does little to raise your spirits. The characters wander about aimlessly – the zombie runs on, removes the hero’s hands with a rock and runs off, and Miss Clutch disappears totally half way through the film, only to reappear at the end lying next to a bridge, for no apparent reason other than to give the director something for the camera to run towards. The biggest pile of garbage I’ve seen for years.

RABID GRANNIES (Emmanuel Kervyn)

Up until last year, Belgium was synonymous with dullness in films, music and football. Now, all of a sudden with New Beat and ‘Crazy Love’, it’s on the map. ‘Rabid Grannies’ continues the trend – judging by the audience reaction when I saw it, it’s the best European horror film in years . It takes place during a family reunion – everyone is there to try to crawl into the grandmothers’ good books, who are rich and about to snuff it. Everyone, that is, except the black sheep of the family, Christopher, who was sent away in disgrace after being involved in black magic. He sends a peace offering of a carved box – the bad news is that it turns the grannies into demons…

From then on we’re deep in ‘Evil Dead’, spam-in-a-castle country. The family and staff are slaughtered in astonishingly messy ways: limbs, blood and internal organs fly, an 8-year old is dismembered, a fat guy has his legs eaten when he gets stuck trying to escape, a woman is ground head-first into railings. That the overall effect is entertaining rather than sickening (even the non-horror fan I dragged along enjoyed it) is tribute to the style and directorial stance. An example: a priest blows his head off with a shotgun, unusually not in close-up. Then, a few scenes later we pass the same location and see a gobbet of flesh with a few teeth attached casually draped over the set…

Sure, there are cliches, there are holes in the plot – you just get no time to think about them and since all the characters are unpleasant, you ‘enjoy’ their revolting fates. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was as sorry to see a film end – partly perhaps because there’s little chance of seeing it all again. That the censor won’t like it is certain; it’s not even “thoughtful” gore a la ‘Hellraiser’. Mind you, if “Bad Taste” can survive..!

(Sound: Only background noises. No FX.)

• WIDE AERIAL SHOT: Car park bathed in sunshine from bright blue sky. Pale blue open ’65 Ford wafts towards toll booth, gently comes to halt.
• CLOSEUP, GROUND LEVEL: White-haired single male occupant pays attendant (out of shot). Car moves forward.
• RETURN TO AERIAL & PAN: Drives between rows of similar Detroit Americans. Goes directly to empty slot. Stops. Gent in perfect Worsted-Tex suit gets out.
• CLOSE ON DOOR: Door clicks shut under firm hand.
• OVER SHOULDER: Enters empty phone booth. Searches for a while without bending down. Pulls miniature reel-to-reel tape deck and A4 envelope from under desk.
• CLOSEUP HAND: Presses PLAY and opens envelope, fans b/w photos for camera (PROPS : head/shoulders guerilla leaders)
• CLOSE UP SPINNING TAPE REELS FOR DURATION OF VOICE VOICE (featureless baritone, mid-Atlantic accent): “Your mission, Jim, should you choose to accept it, is to discover the number of Colonel Fernandez’s Swiss bank account before election day. As usual, should you, or any member of IMF be caught or captured, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in ten seconds. Good luck, Jim…”

An incredible 171 fifty-minute episodes of this television series were made between 1966 and 1972. Quite how it has missed the award of cult status I don’t know, but when I asked around for info on it, the reply was “What? That crap TV series?”. So how could a program which always repeated the same great opening line, followed through with an ingenious and dedicated crew of specialists fighting subversive elements (and always winning out) be, in my opinion, such quality trash?

ACTING – NONE. Perfectly dressed and shaven, driving clean cars (slowly), facial expressions kept to a minimum. Perhaps a hint of a knowing smile on Jim Phelp’s (played by Peter Graves) face the only concession to acting. Leonard Nimoy, as Paris, is perfectly at home here!

UNDERLYING MESSAGES – NONE. It could easily have been used to reinforce the triumph of American ‘values’ and ‘freedom’ over inferior citizens of banana republics and Balkan states. Most of the bad guys stole nuclear secrets, embezzled the funds of some poor third world nation, or rigged elections. Fair game really!

PLOTS – LUDICROUS. I mean, honestly, convincing an enemy agent that he has slept for three years and failed his mission (“Operation Rogosh”), convincing a nuclear scientist that it is now the year 2000 to learn where he hid dome plutonium (“Two Thousand”) or that World War III has started (“The Numbers Game”) do stretch credibility just a little bit. My fave concerns putting a maritime criminal into a submarine mockup and pretending the war is still on (including making him look 30 years younger) and that they are all about to be killed when the sub is depth-charged. One by one the IMF team leave by the torpedo tubes or hatches and walk to a waiting car. The guy cracks!

STARS – William Shatner, Robert Reed (star of “The Brady Bunch”), Roddy McDowall (“Fright Night”) and, of course, Leonard Nimoy (his first major part after “Star Trek”).

TRADEMARKS – Safebreaking, impersonation, electrical wizardry and split second timing. How about breaking in from BEHIND a safe to fit a false back, alerting the guard to open the safe while being watched by a remote camera to record the combination, and, when the General turns up to investigate the apparent theft, ensuring that his superiors arrive simultaneously, the combination is now in his drawer and the contents have returned to the safe. So you can’t catch him embezzling money, but for a frame-up that no court would believe, the IMF never fails! Throw in a perfect vocal impersonator (Rollin’ Hand, played by Martin Landau), rubber masks that instantly transform his face into that of anyone else, an electronics expert, Barney (Greg Morris) and a selection of 60’s beauties (Barbara Bain, Lesley Warren) and you have a Mission Impossible.

MUSIC – The music just has to be my favourite of the TV themes; the tense alarm-like ringing, confident brass and wickedly hooky achromatic melody are combined to perfection (it says here). Do check out the James Taylor Quartet EP “Mission Impossible” for the worst rendition of this (or indeed any) TV theme I have ever heard. Well rehearsed? Get outta here!

All in all then, a fabulous escapist series that somehow managed to pull off the most far-fetched plots, stretch the credibility of the viewer while keeping tongue planted firmly in cheek. Perhaps the fact it was entirely free of car chases, gun battles, helpless blondes and the standard devices of other TV series didn’t help!

I never cease to be impressed with the quality of virtually all the amateur publications and fanzines that I’ve been sent. I think, to a large extent, it’s to do with the enthusiasm for their subjects that they all show. Hack writers are paid for what they do, and tend not to care as much as people who do it for the fun that get from it – this comes through in a lot of the writing, even if the presentation can be a bit naff! Here’s a selection that I’ve enjoyed most since last time :

BLEEDER’S DIGEST (22 pages A4, 50p) – Large format ‘zine with plenty to read, most of it on the more obscure subjects. However, it’s hard to give any sort of objective review of a ‘zine whose editor liked “Graveyard Shift”! Aaargh…

CREEPING UNKNOWN (28 pages A5, 50p) – One of the leading lights of the horror zine scene, having now reached Issue 9. Report on Black Sunday, lots of reviews, film news and an interview with Clive Barker. Solid stuff, some nifty illos.

DEATH BANE (28 pages A5, 100p) – This is quite an excellent magazine, by far the best on the market. It is of course pure coincidence that the editor lives a mile from me and has threatened dire reprisals in the event of a bad review… Sleazy, lots of bad quailty pics (nice fold-out centre tho’), manic style.

FIEND (6 pages A4, 10p) and SQUIRM (4 pages A4, 5p) – What were you doing when you were 15? No, APART from that! Mark Stevens is editing these two ‘zines, the former about horror films (tsk, tsk – 18 certificates??), the latter literature. The price (or lack) offsets the lack of experience.

GORE GAZETTE (7 pages A5, ???) – Nearly all reviews in this one, with a certain abrasive style that appeals to me. American in origin, which is both good (you get warning of films to watch out for when they come across here) and bad ( too many obscurist Ameri-references).

IMAGINATOR (40 pages A4, 60p) – Probably the best ‘zine in terms of value for money, on the market today. Well printed, with some of the best illustrations I’ve seen, it’s pretty difficult to find other than minor faults.

PRISONERS OF WAR (48 pages A5, 50p) – Not a filmzine, but continues serenely on, having published more issues, and of a better quality than most too. Should be required reading for all ‘zine editors to give them something to aim for.

• BLEEDER’S DIGEST – Paul Higson, 63 Geoffrey St, Chorley, Lancs, PR6 0HF.
• CREEPING UNKNOWN – Nick & Cath, 29 Westland Ave, HUCKNALL, Nottingham NG15 6FN.
• DEATH BANE – Just, 77 Crystal Palace Park Road, LONDON, SE26 6UT.
• FIEND/SQUIRM – Mark Stevens, 141 Montague Rd, BILTON, Rugby, Warwickshire CV22 6LQ.
• GORE GAZETTE – Try Stefan Kwiatkowski, 2A The Mount, Erdington, Birmingham B23 7NG.
• IMAGINATON – Ken Miller, Brands House, Kingshill Road, Four Ashes, High Wycombe, Bucks, HP13 5BB.
• PRISONERS OF WAR – Wallace Nicoll, 48 Broughton Ave, Glasgow, G52 3RU.

Slightly different format this time, as we concentrate on some peculiarly nasty accidents that people have managed to survive and give a special round of applause to the careless people who have proven beyond all shadow of doubt that they are not vampires…

Or maybe the pictures accompanying this article demonstrate that jumbo tooth-picks can damage your health if used incorrectly. The first gentleman shown was in the front passenger seat of a taxi when it pulled out to overtake a trailer carrying tree trunks, some sharpened into stakes. Unfortunately, there was a lorry coming and the taxi driver had to swerve back, straight into the back of the trailer… One of his lungs collapsed, though miraculously the stake had missed all major arteries and organs and had acted like a swab to prevent the bleeding. Three weeks later he was back at work.

Given earlier caustic comments about it, I ought to mention that this story, too, comes from the News of the World. However, the sheer POINTLESSNESS of making it up and faking the piccie encourages me to believe that it was that week’s grain of truth.

No such doubts about the spear-gun in the head picture (a bonus point for each film you can name to use one as an ABOVE sea-level weapon!), which appeared in several papers over Easter. The imbecile was trying to load the gun by pressing on the spear with the end of a can when it went off. He was rushed to hospital with five foot of metal sticking out of his head and a fair bit inside – miraculously, he is expected to make an almost full recovery. Reports that he now enjoys listening to Kylie Minogue have been denied…

Chainsaws. There, that made you sit up. How about “Man Cuts Throat with Chainsaw and Lives”? Forthman Murff, 74, was cutting wood near his home in Mississippi when a large branch fell from a tree and knocked him into a ditch on top of the chainsaw he was using. It severed his windpipe, most of the neck muscles and three major blood vessels, leaving only his spine and carotid artery intact. Astonishingly, he crawled to his truck and drove several miles to a neighbour’s who then took him to the nearest hospital, a further hour away. The blood for the cut veins was pouring into his lungs all the time which meant that every so often, he had to stop, hold his head way over and let the blood run out of his lungs. “I knew I had to get the blood out so I could breathe”, said Murff later. “The Lord left me here for a reason and I can tell you that it wasn’t to chase widow women”.

Room now for a brief sweep through some odd stories from the Weekly World News; I think we’ll start off with a few more messy ones:

BARBER SNEEZES – AND SLITS CUSTOMER’S THROAT.

KILLER WHO ATE GIRL GOES FREE

A truly international one this. Japanese student of literature in Paris, shot his Dutch girlfriend after she rejected him. Then he “flayed Renee’s flesh into long, thin strips, stopping from time to time to photo- graph hos horrible handiwork”. This was back in 1981 – he spent three years in a French jail, five more in a Japanese insane asylum, and is now “a changed man”.

HEALTH FOOD NUT EATS SO MUCH FIBER – HIS STOMACH EXPLODES!

“It was an awful sight” according to the policeman who found him. “There was blood and half-digested food splattered all over the room”. Doctors speculated that his intestines somehow became blocked. As he continued to eat high fiber foods, his stomach got bigger and bigger until it popped.

ANIMAL LOVERS OUTRAGED AT HORSE – THAT EATS CATS!

FLY LAYS EGGS IN WOMANS’S THROAT!

A 38-year old woman who accidentally swallowed a floy almost choked to death after it laid eggs in her throat and clogged it with maggots. Dr. Okulov, in a letter to the Soviet journal “Pathology” said he removed the equivalent of a heaped tablespoonful of squirming maggots from the woman’s oesophagus.

SPACE SHUTTLE ATTACKED BY 200-FT. UFO!

“Bug-eyed aliens invaded Discovery and terrified crew” is how this one starts. The WWN gets this story from “a respected London newspaper” with a circulation of 1.3 million (it’s the Daily Star, in case you were wondering), based on a tape of an exchange between Houston and Discovery. An astronaut supposedly says “Houston, we have a fire” – “fire”, it seems, is a code word for a UFO…

ATLANTIS FOUND ON MOON!

Well, makes a change from World War II bombers, Hitler, Elvis Presley or Marilyn Monroe, I suppose.

WARNING SHOT KILLS 2 PEOPLE

Not, oddly enough, in Peking…

KARATE FANATIC TAKES ON 4 LIONS – AND IS EATEN ALIVE!

“All that remained of the man were his black karate pants and belt, his head, his shoulders, and portions of his arms, one hand and one leg.”

EVIL STEPMOM GIVES TOT BOILING WATER ENEMA

There’s sick and there’s sick; however, this beats the lot. Perhaps she should have given one to the exploding health-freak?

A quick flick through the pages of Screen International’s special Cannes edition reveals several films, in various stages of completion, that might be of interest. Most of the main ones are sequels, following in the current American trend of “It worked last time” (not to be confused with “Let’s catch this passing band-wagon”, last seen going past the prison on the way to the sea bottom). First up, and most promisingly, we have “Highlander 2020” (what happened to numbers 2 to 2019, I hear you cry?). At least it’s directed by Russell Mulcahy and starring Christopher Lambert again; hopefully Queen won’t be available to provide the music. Secondly, and winner of the ‘Better Late than Never’ prize, we have “Scanners II – The New Generation”. David Cronenberg won’t be seen anywhere near this, it does at least have the same producers.

Next up, and most worrying of the lot – what do you reckon is THE successful horror pic, dearly beloved by the fans, yet unsullied by a crap follow-up? Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for “Re-Animator II – The Sequel”. Brian Yuzna moves over from producing to directing this one, and no Jeffrey Coombs either. Another Charles Band-ish sequel is “Trancers II” – Jack Deth returns in this follow up to Kim Newman’s fave B-movie of the 80’s. Whaddya mean, you hadn’t seen “Trancers” till it was on TV? As for ‘Films you hoped never to hear of again’, how about “Graveyard Shift II – The Understudy”. At least that’s one that can’t possibly be any worse than the original.

Nice to see Gerard Kikoine getting another film to direct after “Edge of Sanity” (see elsewhere). This time, it’s Edgar Allen Poe’s “Buried Alive” starring Robert Vaughn and Donald Pleasance – hopefully with more Madonna clones being slaughtered. In pre-productiom, we have Stuart Gordon’s version of another Poe story, “The Pit & the Pendulum”, which should include Peter O’Toole and Jeffrey Coombs. Beginning principal photography in the autumn, there’s “Night of the Living Dead”. Yep, that’s right – directed by Tom Savini this time, from a screenplay by George Romero based on the 1968 ‘classic’. Michael Winner has found time, between sponsoring the Guardian Angels, to plan “Bullseye”, written by Leslie Bricusse (he was responsible for “Sherlock Holmes – the Musical”). Stars Roger Moore & Michael Caine, starts filming in October. Going against what I’d heard elsewhere, Peter “Bad Taste” Jackson’s next production isn’t “Brain Dead” at all, but a “scandalous ‘spluppet’ saga” called “Meet the Feebles”.

Finally, there are always a couple of strange titles to be found – the best ones I could see were “Mutant [sic] on the Bounty” and “Revenge of the Radioactive Reporter”, though on past performance (“Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” becoming “The Imp”), who knows what titles they’ll be playing under by the time they reach our shores!