Oslo – A Norwegian businessman, rebuffed in an attempt to export skeletons of whales caught in a controversial hunt off Norway, hopes to sell the mammals’ giant penises in Japan to help male potency, a Norwegian daily said on Sunday. The Independent Verdensgang said Lasse Jahnsen wanted to sell the 50 centimetre (19 inch) long, deep-frozen penises of minke whales caught this year in defiance of a 1985 moratorium by the international whaling commission. A whaling expert at Tromsoe University, Tore Haug, doubted the penises would help, saying: “I don’t believe that it can help potency but you know, faith can move mountains.”
Cambodian bar offers valentine’s day substitute
Phnom Penh – Lonely? Cupid’s arrow off target this Monday the 14th? One watering hole in Cambodia is offering a solution to people suffering St. Valentine’s Day blues. Phnom Penh’s Rock Hard Cafe, a shameless rip-off of a similarly named international bar and restaurant chain, recommends a day spent drowning sorrows. “Lonely? No one to love? Why not come and drink heavily,” suggests the Rock Hard in an advertisement in the Cambodia Daily newspaper.
German baby-sitter sells the baby
Hamburg, Germany – A baby-sitter in Hamburg thought of a novel way of earning extra cash — she sold the child while the parents were out. Police said she had received 3,500 marks ($2,090) for the four-month-old Albanian baby. They said the baby was recovered unharmed, eight hours after the 35-year-old baby-sitter reported it had been kidnapped from the hotel room where she was watching it. Police were questioning the baby-sitter and the couple in the town of Viersen to whom she had sold the baby.
Hong Kong meat vendor roasts lover’s wife
Hong Kong – A Hong Kong court has sentenced a roast-meat vendor, who killed, chopped up and burned the wife of her lover, to six years in jail for manslaughter. Chin Yin-Ho, 47, who pressed her 10-year-old granddaughter to help dispose of the charred and dismembered remains, was acquitted of murder but found guilty of the lesser offense. The court had heard how Chin, consumed by jealousy, overpowered her lover’s wife, tied her to a chair with a baby’s harness and strangled her. A local newspaper quoted police who mentioned unconfirmed rumours the victim’s remains were sold as barbecued pork.
It’s always a delight to lay out this next piece – partly because I don’t need to bother running it through the spell-checker, proof-reading it, or trying to see if it makes any sense. All I have to do is tone down the BLOCK CAPITALS, and add a few sarcastic comments – yes, once more we meet the Barry Norman of the fanzine world…
Dateline LONDON… AUGUST… 1994
Pheww Wot A Scorcher (cue picture of page three stunna in bikini holding an umbrella underneath a fountain).
I’d like now to lodge a protest about the terrible censorship present in Trash City at the moment, last issues reviews were cut to just because the lily-livered was concerned about contained therein.
I thought Jim was joking about cutting out , until in the early hours four masked men broke into my house and tried to the disk containing the reviews. Using my Spider Sense I took them all on and beat them soundly around the head with the latest edition of Girljock.
They tried to escape but I caught the smallest one as he was trying to squeeze through the bathroom window. Using my web slinging powers I quickly bound him to the toilet and began questioning him on who he was and more importantly who had sent him.
Just as I was going to get a name from him he bit down on a cyanide capsule and before he breathed his last he gurgled . . . . . “Beware The Moon”.
Bloody Idiot.
Did anyone here go to the Eurofest ’94 festival recently? Good, good. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and are looking forward to the next two festivals by the same organisers [Both now in the dim and distant past. These reviews are late… Next one planned is March, again at the Everyman. Theme is Brit-films; ‘Terror’, “Satan’s Slaves” and possibly “Mark of the Devil”, if they can get a print] If you were at the Eurofest did you later read the review of the show in Samhain? I read it and couldn’t believe that the person who wrote it wasn’t on some sort of mind altering substances, it was rambling and it contradicted itself. Starting off saying that it hadn’t heard of Paul Naschy and ending saying how much the reviewer had enjoyed the whole event . . Hmmmmm give that man some Prozac now!
So (a needle pulling thread) lets start with……Paranoia Vol 2 No.2 – Ahhh, what we have here is probably Jim Mclennans favourite read. Issue 5 contains articles on cattle mutilations (hmmmmm beef) which details the removal of cattle’s sex organs and rectums and the refusal of the police to give any answers! Issue 5 also contains an article about an entire British regiment that was abducted by UFOs at Gallipoli during the Second World War (and they didn’t even touch Mel Gibson). Not really my cup of tea but this will certainly appeal to people who know that everyone is talking about them behind their backs!
Killer Kung-Fu Enema Nurses No.4 -Issue 4 contains the second part of a huge Peter Jackson interview along a glossary of Blaxsplotation Expressions i.e. “I knew your mama when she was whoring”………..An invitation to inevitable physical altercation resulting in death! Also included is a who’s who of Blaxsplo cinema (hmmmm Pam Grier) loads of reviews and an article on wrestling women videos (which doesn’t mention the Dynasty cat fights?!?!) Any zine that features a back page poster of Shaft gets my vote, so please, won’t you buy a copy?
Night of the Living Dead No. 0 – Moan, moan, bitch, bitch. Anoraks times three sitting around a table… Anorak one says “Romero Rules”, Anorak two says “Yeah, comic books rule” and anorak three (who with a score of 5 has the highest IQ of the three of them) says lets write a comic book based on Night of the Living Dead. Result, badly drawn, badly written cash in which is licensed by Romero and published by Fantaco (oh, it all makes sense now!). Lets get something straight, Night of the Living Dead was OK as a film but the phrase Flogging a Dead Horse should now be shouted and Mr. Romero (who with the exception of Martin hasn’t made a film nearly as good since) should move on. Avoid! [I liked it. Never felt the movie was great, which may be a good guide. Hate the film, love the comic. Like it, and…]
Ooh My Brain Hurts No. 13 – According to the laws of nature I should really hate this ‘zine but I don’t, God knows I’ve tried, but (as I’ve said before) at 50p it really is something of a bargain. Its packed with reviews and also features a great overview of William Burroughs. It certainly is one of my favourite ‘zines and even if I didn’t receive a free copy I would still seek out and buy copies of it, (which is really saying something).
Look, OK, I have to slag it off a bit so I’ll say that the ummm, errrr, cover art is rubbish, there you go! Happy now! [Sadly, I’ve heard this is the last issue of OMBH, Daniel Auty is moving on to other things – well, I guess that’s another ‘zine we’ve outlasted!]
Hoax! Monster Issue – F**K ME, what a find, this superb ‘zine looks at hoaxes and pranks from across the world (illustrated with newspaper reports) and also suggests some hoaxes you can pull off yourself. Particularly worth mentioning are the articles on urban myths (which reminds me did I tell you that a friend of mine bought a box of chicken from KFC and when he bit into the last piece…), drugs myths and the radio version of The War of the Worlds that was produced by Orson Welles. It’s very funny and for people with the minds of two year olds (ME, ME) it makes for a excellent read. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
Girljock No. 11 – Look, it’s like this, I’m supposed to review the ‘zines not just slag them off because they are for different groups. I understand this now, and I’m sorry, so very, very sorry.
Girljock is a light fluffy read that will appeal to women with sensible shoes everywhere, and issue 11 features naked rock climbers and a feature on women’s volleyball. OK!
Alright, when you sit down and read it, it actually isn’t too bad and at least one of the cartoons in the back made me laugh out loud. Joe Bob says check it out. (expand your mind! I saw the sign and it opened up my mind, life is so demanding without understanding!)
Kill Me Slowly – A collection of comic strips and short stories from Fantaco (the same publishers of the god awful Night of the Living Dead comic), this has a lot more going for it (i.e. interesting, fairly original stories!).
Best story of the lot is “Bad Luck” and the worst in my opinion is Skin Flick. At $7.95 it’s worth standing in Megacity and reading, but buying it . . . . I don’t really think so!
Children of a Far Greater God – Volume 1, No.4
WE LOVE YOU MILES WOOD WE DO, WE LOVE YOU MILES WOOD WE DO, WE LOVE YOU MILES WOOD WE DO, OH MILES WOOD WE LOVE YOU.
(Miles the above is part of a pathetic attempt to get some Christina Applegate stills from you, eh, eh, oh go on please!) The latest (at the time of writing!) issue of Miles lovely ‘zine has reprints of an interview with Amanda Bearse (Marcy) about her recent “outing” as a lesbian (*lesbian – see Girljock) and a set report from a recent taping, all this and the usual reviews and cast stills (oh, go on Miles, just a couple, please?). While in the States recently, I caught a late night T.V. interview with Christina Applegate where she appeared with her new short hair and talked about the restaurant she had just opened in Hollywood! Two bums up, as usual for C.O.A.F.G.G.
Legend of the OVA Fiend No.4 – OVA launches into it’s second year with what I think is their best ever issue, expanding on their live action reviews and including reports on the HTC show and a report on Hong Kong sci-fi by Jim. Comes complete with nice wraparound cover. £1.50 is just a bit too pricey (compared with “Ohh My Brain Hurts”) but, that said, it is one of the best anime themed ‘zines around!
Animejin No.4 – And talking of Anime themed ‘zines . . . . . .This issue contains a battle of the conventions report (Jim McLennan, Steve Whitcher & Simon Devey all going to both the AUKcon and the Anime Day convention and reporting back on both of them). Also included was an idiots guide to buying Anime related product in Japan and the usual Anime news & reviews. Much of a muchness, if you have spare cash and are a animaniac (HA, I cracked a funny!) buy it.
Adults Only No.1 – A new fanzine from Jonny Redman and friends appears and what great value it is, £1.25 for 63 pages! Content swerves all over the shop, from stupid letters to a well written overview of “Blow Up” and a beginners guide to widescreen formats. It represents very good value for money and deserves your support (even though it is a bit two faced in places, see the Redemption praises/slaggings off!). [And issue 2 is now out as well]
Luan Peters: Homage to a Seraph – Tim Greaves 1 shot publications comes up with the goods yet again, this time with a lovely booklet on the stunning Luan Peters (whom I’d never heard of!). As usual it contains loads of beautiful photos (I loved the shot at the top of page 8) at a top to tail retrospective look at her career. This issue was supposed to be a Luan Peters/ Anouska Hempel but for reasons Tim goes into on page 31 it never transpired (and who said fanzine editors were boring!). As usual, very highly recommended although a few colour pages (prohibitive as the price might be) would make it a must buy! [except it’s sold out, anyway!]
Daughters of the Night (Carmilla on the screen) – I think Tim Greaves must live his life on a different timescale to the rest of the planet, Tim how many hours are there in one of your days? 40 hours? 50 hours? I ask because he manages to come up with so many well researched, written and typeset ‘zines a year I find it hard to believe he has time to do anything else. This new one critiques all the different film versions of Joseph Sheridan LeFanu’s “Carmilla” that have been made, from the well known Hammer versions to a Seventies 8mm British Porno version called “Blood Lust”! Once again very highly recommended (If it hasn’t sold out by the time of review!). One gripe, sorry Tim! Am I alone in thinking that Ingrid Pitt is at best plain and at worst down right ugly? Well, her picture makes for a frightening cover and centre poster I suppose!
[Tim Greaves has come up with still another publication, a revised edition of his earlier “Vampyres” issue. The main reason for the upgrade is that he’s managed to track down one of the stars, and the resulting new information adds interesting new light on the production. If you didn’t pick this up already, it’s even more essential now – and if you did, I’m sure he’ll do a trade-in! I am joking, Tim!]
Little Shoppe of Horrors No.12 – Does Richard Klemensens fanzine REALLY need reviewing? Does the word fanzine do it justice? Can’t Jim supply me with a ‘zine I can really, really slag off? Oh, well. The 12th issue of LSOH comes an incredible FOUR years after the last effort! Was the four year wait worth it? YES, YES, YES!
130 pages packed with Hammer information, reviews, news and interviews and EVERY page worth reading (not to mention the Horrors of the Black Nylon Museum picture gallery at the back packed with superb pictures of semi clad Hammer starlets WHOO HOO!). Reading LSOH you can tell that Richard has a great love of Hammer and that love is bursting out of every word he and the other LSOH staff writes. I really cannot praise LSOH 12 highly enough. Certainly well worth buying although I would imagine that it has already sold out by the time this review sees the light of day. I only hope that Richard doesn’t go through with his plan to stop writing LSOH after issue 15, if the standard keeps up I’d be happy to wait 10 years between issues! An honourable mention must also go to Steve Karchin for the amazing artwork on the front cover!
Time for another review break. I started writing the reviews in August and it is now November of the same year and Jim has just given me more fanzines to review. Now lie back and listen to this, four months and still no sign of a new Trash City! AMAZING! I know that they say that quality takes time and I can accept that but it doesn’t explain why it takes (at least) six months for a new issue to appear.
O.K. I have a plan.
COMPETITION TIME
I am offering a prize (at the time of writing the prize is still undetermined but after last weekend it will probably consist of bottles of Brody’s cider) to any Trash City reader that can come up with the best reason for the ‘zines sporadic appearances. Just mark your entries “ITS THE CORN CIRCLES I BLAME” and send them to the usual editorial address. The winner will be printed in the next edition (due out sometime in 1998!)
[To help you, here is a clue towards the actual reason for our late appearance: “Hey, Lino, have you done the fanzines yet?”. Here’s another one: “When will your article be ready, Lino?”. And why not have a third one too? “Oi! Where are the ‘zine reviews, ?” Are you getting the idea? Well, actually, it’s not fair to totally blame Lino for the late appearance of TC, but it certainly is far more fun than any of the real reasons]
Right, sorry on with the reviews!
Frontal Lobe No.1 – A bizarre mish mash of poems, short stories and weird photo collages from people such as Jello Biafra and the incredibly named Vladimir Distakophnaphinth! It’s all a bit too strange to detail and even stranger to read. All I can say is seek out a copy!
Article 19 No. 9 – Compact, nicely drawn, funny Canadian comic. No.9 comes complete with a free UFO or unicorn photo! Editor Robin Bougie really seems to love drawing and likes receiving mail (hint) so send some money to Canada enclose a letter and make his day! Only one gripe and that is that he is SO in love with his new wife Rebecca he seems to mention her on every second page! (Don’t you just HATE people in love!!!).
Saccade No.3 – A fairly good fiction ‘zine from Sheffield with some well written short stories. One thing I could have lived without is some of the terrible art that has been included within it’s pages (If this is the stuff he chose to print God only knows what the standard of the stuff he rejected was like!) That minor quibble apart, if fiction is your bag Saccade is certainly worth seeking out.
Movie Mania – Jim I love reviewing the fanzines for you, I really do, I even enjoy reading some of them, BUT, this one is in German and my German is virtually non-existent! Hell, lets just make something up, after all that’s what I do with the rest of the ‘zines! The latest issue of Movie Mania (in German!) contains reviews of Hong Kong & Japanese movies (Robotrix, Evil Dead Trap 2 etc.) also with a Caroline Munro interview and loads of other (German) type stuff. Highlight of which is an interview (in German!!) with that Wunderkind Director Alex Chandon (who is a hack really and his film Drillbit is only saved by a superb performance by one of the killers!) Wonderfully entertaining fanzine (if you read German) and highly recommended if you want to catch up with the latest releases in Germany (and you can speak German!).
Plain Brown Wrapper – Which comes supplied (surprisingly) in a plain brown wrapper with a nifty velcro fastening! This American ‘zine is really very entertaining containing ramblings and short stories from a deranged Yank! The stories in P.B.W. are embellished with lyrics from songs the author wrote and performed in San Francisco! Incredibly strange & incredibly funny (in places!) Look for the address (see below) send off your money and prepare to be entertained. (Hmmm sex with alien Lizard women!)
Girljock No.12 – See what I mean, it’s been so long since I started writing that issue 12 of Girljock has found its way into my podgy little Italian fingers! This issue contains articles on how to cruise for fresh meat if you’re a butch (best tip being not to do the splits or dance the polka on the dancefloor! ), along with articles on women’s football (I am tempted to mention the old line about looking forward to the end of the game when they swap shirts! but I won’t), a good cartoon strip about Lilane the Reluctant Rugby Wife! and (worth the price of the ‘zine on its own) a hilarious picture of Barbara Bush posed in front of the USA Eagles National Rugby team about to throw a rugby ball!!!!!
Recommended (God, I’ve changed my tune!) to girls to like to play around (although they cover sports other that golf!! Haa Haa) and to men (sexist pigs that they are) who like to see pictures of girls playing around (see above!).
Camera Obscura No.2 – And to finish (finally!) we have Alex Low’s second edition of Camera Obscura (which at 100 pages and glossy cover is better described as a book!). I haven’t seen No.1 but if this new edition is anything to go by I’ll have to get my hands on a copy (Eh, Alex, go on mate please!) This issue looks at and reviews genre films from 1940 to 1970 (not a mean feat!). It contains many well written, informed reviews and some great artwork. Very well worth a look, and ideal for anybody’s Xmas present! (Think of it as a mini Aurum at a fraction of the cost, with less mistakes!). All this and it’s a limited edition! Very highly recommended!
Right, that’s that then. Before I disappear into the toilet with issues 11 & 12 of Girljock let me take time out to wish you all a happy Christmas (or I hope you enjoyed your Christmas depending on when this appears!). And remember, I love you all . . . . . . .
P.S. You can send your competition entries or any general questions to me direct via E-Mail just post to me at lino@mail.on-line.co.uk (ohhh Internet!)
I REALLY look forward to reading your comments!
By some miracle, I got the ‘zines back from Lino this time – though Girljock arrived three weeks later and in a state I’d really rather not describe – so we should be ok for names and addresses. Of course, there have been some new issues since I handed the last batch over to Lino – indeed most of the editors have probably died of old age and several new continents have formed. Leading the “let’s make Jim feel terribly guilty about TC’s schedule” race is Animejin: we reviewed issue four, they are now up to issue seven. Sob. There’s even been another issue of Girljock too, which I’ve little doubt Lino will want to, ah, peruse.
I was sent a copy of Inferno, a very glossy magazine that looks superb – wish there was an English equivalent as unfortunately, it’s all in Danish. This is a slight problem, (but, hey, we’re all Europeans now) and especially galling as they teasingly drop in English quotes, titles or paragraph headings! But worth it for the adverts; if you want to find continental sources for films, there are some promising ones here (some adverts are even in English – hmm…). Also from Denmark is the first issue of the Scandinavian Manga Club newsletter, Mangazine: slim, but in English, and with a useful “check-list” of anime titles.
A mention to Dementia 13 #14 (if you see what I mean). Another wraparound cover – seems to be the fashion this year!) wraps around a mix of “arcane and macabre” fiction (which I liked) plus interviews with, and articles on, and interview with, a lot of people I haven’t heard of (which I skimmed). A similar mix can be found in Midnight in Hell 12, back after a rather lengthy absence, even by our standards 🙂
Finally, Scapegoat, the anti-censorship magazine, which has contributions from just about everyone in horror fandom – including Stefan Jaworzyn being kind to John Gullidge, which must be a first. A slight element of preaching to the converted, and a pointless article, allegedly to do with David Irving but more about parading the author’s right-on views, don’t detract from 1994’s most essential purchase, critical ammunition in the never-ending war.
Or maybe not finally. Microsoft Word suddenly decided not to load our documents, claiming “someone else” was using them. Weird, as the computer isn’t connected to a network. Where’s Dana Scully when you need her? A swift exorcism did the trick, but meantime more magazines arrived. It’d be a shame to make them wait another 11 months till they get their plug… Anything else you want to say, Lino?
It’s been years in the making, doesn’t feature the Horror Consultant (WHY!!) and it is — the all old-look Cold Sweat!! Trevor Barley now holds the British record (beating Jim McLennan) for the longest time between issues. Well, he has reasons, the main one being his organisation of the Eurofest horror festivals held last year [Current date for his next Festival is March 25th, but sadly, no ‘Mark of the Devil’]. The new double digit issue contains a long article on Redemption video giving short reviews of all their releases; a patchy look at the Loch Ness Monster in the movies, and an an article on Trevor’s recent trip to Rome (he got mugged, ha, ha, ha!).
If you want to know how easy it is to organize a film festival, just read his account of the trials and tribulations behind the first Eurofest. Rounding up the issue are short articles on home made English horrors (an outfit called Giallo) a Debbie Dutch filmography and a look at a small American video company called I.D.E. Add some great pictures of Michelle Bauer and a stunning picture of me!! Certainly worth acquiring (Trevor did send me a free copy of Draculina to an attempt to get a good review. He didn’t have to, If you know Cold Sweat you’ll want to buy the new issue, if you don’t splash out 1.75 and educate yourself!)
This end, I start with another ‘zine less frequent than TC(!), Dark Star, but always worth the wait. Looks very cool these days, new layout (proof that Rob’s been spending!), added style, easy on the eye. The same is true of the text, too, which slides gently between your neurons. Nice ‘n’ relaxed.
Found a bunch of anime-zines from the last con. A mixed bag: another OVA Fiend (#5 – snarl, they’re catching up!), Animace #5, including a great Power Rangers piss-take and Daniel Auty (that’s where he went to!) plus Animenia & Tinsel City, both sadly marred by dodgy copying, the latter especially losing out as it’s an amateur manga-collection. Shame, the stories deserve better. And out of the box marked seriously strange, there’s Red Leopard. Any magazine that manages to write about cheese and porn deserves your support.
Global Mail (above) is a severe information overload, very dense, and undoubtedly containing a wide range of gems (and/or rubbish!). Lowlife (opposite) is co-edited by TC-writer Phoenix Hitch, and gives me the chance to tell my Gothic joke. Q. How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb. A. None, the lights were off anyway… If you find that funny, get a Lowlife. After a spell away, Kevin McClure (ex-Lino fave, The Wild Places) is back with his new ‘zine Promises & Disappointments. This one is 50/50 reviews and articles, with his open-minded scepticism a healthy blast. Down at the ‘ruff’ end, is China in Your Hand, the Frankenstein ‘zine. A tad expensive for 20 photocopied pages, but the man certainly knows his stuff.
Anyone who read the Black Lace article and thought “I can do that” should read Caress, a slim newsletter by/for erotic writers. While not cheap, the info therein is sure to repay the cost quickly; it also reviews lots of interesting, ah, “product”. Second to last, we have Popular Culture, a great ‘zine from Denmark (in English, Lino!) with lots of snappy short articles on anything from Jackie Onassis to Shonen Knife, a Reader’s Digest of, as it says, pop culture. And the coveted last spot goes to Raimi-zine, like Article 19 another Saskatoon-’zine, telling you all you need to know (and then some!) about the excellent ‘Darkman’ this issue. Fascinating stuff.
CoNTACT ZoNE
Addresses for publications reviewed follow. Prices exclude postage except where noted.
Adults Only (1.50?) – Jonny Redman, 61 Scott Street, Padiham, Lancs, BB12 6NW
Vampyres (£3), Daughter of the Night (£1.95) – Tim Greaves, 118 High Street, Eastleigh, Hants, SO5 5LR. [Prices include p&p, money payable to Tim Greaves, please!]
Take a quick look sideways, at the person sitting next to you. In three minutes they’ll be smiling. Why?
One of the best reasons for getting something new, something big and expensive and shiny, is so you can tell other people about it. Not come right out and say it: a little subtlety goes a long way when bragging on your possessions. Just to drop it into the conversation is the best way, wait until the moment is perfect before impact. Tease yourself.
“Jasmin? Oh, yeah, we’ve had a thing going fo a month or so. She works up in town, modelling, you know. Hadn’t I told you?”
Or: “I guess the Japanese CD players are pretty cool, but since I got mine I really swear by Bang and Olufsen. Oh, about two, two-and-a-half grand. I’m not too sure. My accountant took care of it, but the sound is crisp!”
Or even: “For real sashimi, there’s this little place in Tokyo, just off Ginza high street. What? Oh, last year, just pottering about, you know. Like you do.”
It’s important to remember, then, that first impressions really do last. It’s a cliché, but like most stereotypes it also happens to be true. Therefore, when your latest braggable goodie is a really luxury motor, take the advice of an old hand: go for the Bentley, and leave the Rolls Royce glittering in the showroom.
Ignore the relative merits of the vehicle in question: remember that the primary purpose of having bought a car like this is to tell people about how cool it is. The cars themselves just don’ enter into it. The important thing is the sound of the brag.
And the Rolls just can’t hack it. It starts off slow and soft; the ‘Ro’ is an even worse sound than ‘Ra’. Try saying it slowly, and ‘Ro’ sounds like your batteries are running down. It gets worse. The next vocal sound is ‘Lls’, followed by another ‘Ro’. The space that should appear in the middle is almost impossible to actually pronounce without sounding like you’re speaking to an idiot. What really comes out is ‘Arrollzroisss’. You can’t even start the word with ‘R’ because you need an in-breath to say it: you end up with ‘Aro’.
The phrase is frankly lousy: it starts with an inhalation, slows up over the vowell, softens in the middle without disappearing, then gears itself up again before finally trailing off in a sibilant ‘SSss’. It’s too long, telegraphing itself like an overlong joke.
The alternative is the Bentley, a far more impactful name. If someone tells you they’ve just bought a Bentley the sound is in your frontal lobes before you’ve heard it, already ricocheting off your jealousy centre and making your stomach hurt. The word alone can double you over.
It’s not only shorter: the first phonetic is ‘Be’, which can only be said with force. The lips compress, then squeeze the sound out like a pip from a squashed grape.
There’s a brief respite now with ‘En’, the lull before the storm. Because what arrives next is so typically British that no other country in the world could lay claim to it. ‘Tll’ can confound the most practiced linguist: an ill-prepared Oriental could physically explode trying. Remember, it’s not a ‘Bent-lee’, but a ‘Ben-tlee’. Even said gently, it’s a bullet.
The assault finally ends with ‘EEee’, a scream of pleasure echoing away into nothing, bouncing around like an orgasm in the woods. And all this has taken place in less than half a second. Try it.
See what I mean? As an added bonus, your Bentley will never submit itself to abbreviation. A Rolls Royce is a Roller and a Mercedes is a Merc, but a Bentley is only ever a Bentley.
The cars of little people, the Fords and the Volkswagens, they are cars to be driven. A Rolls Royce is there to be looked at. But a Bentley, ah, a Bentley. A Bentley is there to be said.
So think about it. And while you’re at it, take a look back at the person next to you. You’ve spent the last three minutes mouthing words like ‘Arroohh’, and ‘Tllee’ and ‘Be’.
It has taken me four days to summon up the will to write this diary. My mind has been nothing more than a churning black mass since Suzy died. It’s very hard to adjust to such a thing; accepting that someone has gone and they are now nothing more than a memory, a face in a photo, a pile of ashes.
I guess Suzy just chose the wrong thing to base her thesis on. It seems terribly unfair when you take into account that she actually succeeded in what she set out to do. She studied all the available facts — and there have never been many. She absorbed every word, pondered every supposition. It quickly took over her whole life. It also ended it. She found out too much and she couldn’t write it down; she didn’t get a chance to. She told me of her fears though and I was told what to expect, but it just sounded so far fetched.
It was all true though. She proved it by the very nature of her demise. You can’t induce something like that, however hard you try. I don’t think you’d want to. It is not the sort of thing you’d fake either. There would be no point. You are hardly around to reap any praise, are you ?
1st October
I’m terrified. This whole thing of Suzy’s death intrigues me. She was my best friend and I saw all the changes in her. I’m starting to recognise them in myself. I’m irrevocably drawn in, but fear I should stop before taking things too far, like she did. Its not easy. Researching this, going over the same ground that Suzy did, using her books, talking to the same people she did, I find that clues are jumping out at me. This thing wants to be found. It yearns to be discovered. I have no time, no concentration for anything else. I have to pursue Suzy’s killer. I think it wants me to. It’s probably already too late.
2nd October
Suzy’s downward spiral began four months ago and in all that time I have never named her fear; my fear. It seems so childish. I can’t even write the words.
People laughed at Suzy but they were intrigued as well. Secretly, they hoped she’d succeed. Some people asked her to come back to them if she ever found anything. Well, she did — but she couldn’t. Everyone held an interest in Suzy’s work but they didn’t know why she persevered with it. Others had broached the subject; she had all the books ever written on it, but they said nothing. Suzy wanted to write the ultimate solution to an age-old mystery. I know now that it won’t ever be written. By anybody.
5th October
I’ve been awake for three whole days now. I wonder how long Suzy stayed up: writing, researching, inching closer step by step. It has grabbed me by the throat and it won’t let go. It wants me. It leaves me dry.
13th October
I wrote a will. I asked that all my notes, and those made by Suzy, be buried with me. Then I realised I won’t be buried. It’ll save my folks a bundle on funeral costs.
17th October
Very close now. These pages are stained with sweat. It’s so hot here. I’m hot inside. I’ve lost weight. My hair is falling out. The room smells of copper.
Soon I will know everything. I will see what Suzy saw; feel what Suzy felt and I’m no longer afraid. I think it will be worth the price.
10:37 p.m: I was wrong. You can induce it. I’m about to go super nova. It’s so close. The air crackles. I had the idea of setting up a video camera to tape the whole thing. Research shows that the surrounding area is always left untouched. This film could prompt a thousand similar suicides; oh, it is suicide. I know exactly what I’m doing but I go willingly. I can’t eat or sleep. I can only think and that’s what it wants me to do. I have to keep on raking through the ashes. The answer lies in thought. It hits some people all at once. It’s when it takes time that it really hurts.
Soon. Soon.
12:12 p.m: This will be my last entry. The camera is recording; it’s a 3-hour tape. I hope it won’t take that long. Such thoughts mustn’t hinder my concentration.
I’m now going to sit down dead centre in front of the camera. I have my collected notes in case I lose my way. I leave this life happy, because at the very end I will know where it is I’m going. In fact, I’ll know everything: I will access the name of God; the reason for the universe; the given name of every star; why I was put here to learn these things. I will have complete knowledge, absolute understanding, and then my brain will revolt at the horror of it all. No human mind was meant to know these things so somewhere along the line, a defence mechanism was introduced. Who by ? Soon I’ll know that too. And then my body will crumble, my brain implode and wither. Overload. Short out. Spontaneously combust.
You’ll see and you’ll believe. The camera never lies.
For many years now, ‘Fortean Times’ has been gathering together the “weird stuff” that happens in the world, with a sense of style and humour all it’s own. Having read this remarkably cool publication for longer than I like to remember, the news that they were running a weekend convention provoked a sense of delight, that would perhaps only be surpassed by a note from Nastassja demanding a bed for the night.
The beast in question occupied a full two days, each with a designated central subject (Saturday was Spontaneous Human Combustion, Sunday had Alien Abductions), and sundry other topics round the fringe. Unsurprisingly, I received a certain amount of stick from people for attending such an event, and must admit part of the appeal was the thought of hearing people like Mary Seal, organiser of the Wembley conspiracy convention fiasco, and chief proponent of the Global Octopus theory (you don’t want to know, believe me). Having previously been on the edges of a couple of UFO groups, I knew just how “fringe” some areas of borderline research can get!
However, what Lino might call the “kook” factor was very low. Mary Seal never appeared – some may call that suspicious – and the nearest we got to nonsense was Doc Shiels, a long-time magician, trickster, hoaxer and consumer of Guinness. The last named probably explains any deficiency on the coherency front (he can be forgiven, it was the weekend Ireland beat Italy!). This general lack of loonies is perhaps because Forteans don’t lumber their subjects with emotional baggage. On the SHC panel, for example, all three panellists said they’d be entirely happy to find it was the result of something natural. In the world of the paranormal, such a separation of faith from knowledge is pleasant to see.
The other (and more expected) major enjoyment factor was the sense of fun that pervaded the weekend. A delight of FT is the attitude of “we don’t know whether this means anything at all, but it’s certainly amusing”, and this came through in most of the events. Let’s face it, topics like SHC are pretty ridiculous when considered in the cold light of day! It was all pretty informal, with most of the guests quite happy to hang round after their talks and chat to the audience, and the organisers also seemed approachable.
Not that I needed to, as it mostly went very smoothly, although the temperature in the main hall provided the audience with first-hand experience of what SHC must be like. Luckily, the event was taking place in the University of London Union, so plenty of cheap, liquid refreshment was easily to hand (to the delight of Doc Shiels!). Sunday was a touch less successful, with two guests not appearing at zero or less notice (illness, rather than abduction by aliens), but these things happen, and no-one seemed to mind too much.
One eagerly awaited opportunity was the chance to get “weird stuff”. A large amount of all sorts of reading material was duly bought, though the general restraint on view was also seen in the dealer’s room. I ended up with as much sceptical junk as true-believer bunkum. Does this indicate some kind of balance?
Highlights are hard to pick, as there honestly was nothing I didn’t enjoy. However, special mention may be made of the all-too-brief Fortean slide show, Jenny Randles’ lecture on alien abductions (which sent several chills down my spine – true or not, they make great campfire tales) and Kevin McLure, talking about the visions of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and meandering from poltergeists to Charles Manson with perfect Fortean dry wit. But everything had it’s moments, often unexpected ones: a former police officer, talking about SHC, mentioned in passing that there’s a method for forging fingerprints, a comment worth filing in your paranoia. And even the ‘delusion show’, designed to expose tricks used by mediums, scored a direct hit on the psyche of one member of the TC crew!
By the end of Sunday, my mind had been suitably expanded – it’s surprising how tiring this can be! The advantage of such an event is that after you’ve heard about aliens, people burning from the inside, big cats, religious visions, and who knows what else, then things like cancelled trains and leaking showers somehow just don’t seem of any significance…
