Smuggler Morteza Farakesh was convicted of possessing $2m worth of morphine during a layover at Kennedy Airport. According to the prosecutor Farakesh was on his way to California and could have picked a less Customs-intense airport but chose to make his connection there in order to take advantage of an Alitalia super-saver fare. [New York Daily News, 26-5-95]
At a September hearing for Charles Hocq, accused of battery in Springfield, Illinois, Judge Roger Holmes asked Hocq the standard questions to determine how much his bail should be (e.g., do you have any family in the community?). Hocq said he didn’t understand the question. Holmes then asked the direct question: “If I made the bail amount lower, would you flee the area and not come back for trial?“ According to the Springfield Journal, Hocq replied, “I would.” Holmes then doubled the proposed bail, to $250,000. [Springfield Journal, 22-9-95]
Johnny Lee Nichols, 25, was arrested in Rogers, Arkansas, and accused of knocking on doors of several homes around 3 a.m. and asking if anyone was interested in exchanging drugs or sex for some dynamite he had in his car. [Northwest Arkansas Times-AP, 10-8-95]
Police in Ft. Worth, Texas arrested a man just after he robbed a Nations Bank branch. Cops were waiting because a bank customer had walked next door to police headquarters to summon them after becoming suspicious that a man was waiting in a bank line wearing a ski mask. [St. Petersburg Times, 14-12-95]
Juan Morales, 18, and Juan Mendoza, 18, were arrested as they robbed a Coastal Mart convenience store in Weslaco, Texas. Police had been tipped off to the crime because the cashier on duty the day before reported that the two men had threatened to “come back and rob you” the next day. [Valley Morning Star, 30-11-95]
Pittsburgh – MacArthur Wheeler, 46, received 24 years in prison, a conviction made possible by clear photography from the bank’s surveillance video. Wheeler and his partner did not wear masks, and in fact were not concerned about the camera at all, because they had rubbed lemon juice over their faces beforehand believing this would blur their images. [USA Today, 8-1-96]
Dallas, Texas – an 18-year-old dockworker at Roadway Express was arrested at a local Western Union and charged with forgery after improperly trying to cash a check made out to his employer. The man produced a photo ID that gave his name as Mr. “Roadway V. Express.” After questioning him, the Western Union manager said, “Okay, Mr. Express, I’ll be right back [with the money],” but went into another room and called police. [Houston Chronicle, 31-3-96]
Little Rock, Arkansas – Donterio Beasley, 19, called a police station to say that he was stranded and needed a ride downtown, but the dispatcher told him that was against policy. A few minutes later, Beasley called back to report a suspicious person loitering around a phone booth and gave a description of himself, believing that police would come, give him a ride downtown for questioning, then release him. He was charged with making a false alarm. [Dallas Morning News-AP, 7-8-95]
Fist of Steel: “This world is too full of shit to be weak.”
There’s a key difference between American fight flicks and their Oriental cousins: the Western versions lead with martial artists trying to act, while most Hong Kong action stars are first and foremost actors, with fighting skills secondary. The latter approach makes more sense: what you see in a kung-fu film bears the same relationship to tournament fighting, that a porn flick does to real sex. The ability to beat someone up in ten seconds, while impressive, is irrelevant when stunt doubles and sharp editing can make anyone a decent fighter — it’s much harder to shoot round a crap actor. Thus, almost by definition, any Hollywood martial arts movie is a Bad Film: discerning buffs sit up and take notice when the major star of a film has “American middleweight kickboxing champion” tacked onto his credit, as this basically translates to “we apologise for his total lack of acting ability”. Unfortunately, such deficiencies rarely suffice to make the films incredibly bad: few build on the non-acting (or amazingly, even notice it), and plod along lines that were hackneyed when Bruce Lee was still a lad.
‘Fist of Steel’ looks like it was made by a gang of mates over a weekend in the Arizona desert. While undeniably awful, for the above reason, it has definite charm: like that time at school you managed to produce something in Art — by exterior standards, it still wasn’t very good, but you were proud of it, and could appreciate that, for once, Something Had Clicked.
So it is with FoS. The whole is more than the sum of the parts — unless one of the parts is “beer”. This is the kind of movie necessarily preceded by a trip to the off-licence, as steady alcohol input infinitely enhances its pleasures. Diet Pepsi will not do: sober, you won’t achieve oneness with the director, able to second guess what’s about to happen. Now, our beer-fuelled idea of “cool” is so warped that, even in cult films, the director will usually wimp out. But FoS had an unerring knack of getting it right, to growing applause from the living room. audience.
The sole reason for acquiring this film was that it starred fave HK action-actress Cynthia Khan. Ten minutes in, I regretted my hasty purchase, despite a fondness for movies set after the apocalypse (or at least, after the stock-footage-of-60’s-nuclear-tests). For stealing Lyssa (Khan), hero Amp (Dale ‘Apollo’ Cook) is staked out by gladatorial rival Mainframe (Gregg Douglass), and Lyssa herself, to my shock, was offed. A sinking feeling, tied with the discovery that the front cover depicted a piss-poor Cynthia lookalike, told me I’d been sold a cameo, filmed while Cynthia was delayed at LA airport on her way back to Hong Kong. The prospect of 85 more minutes of Dale ‘Apollo’ Cook’s non-acting was terrifying, especially as he looked like Harrison Ford on a bad hair day, circa ‘Regarding Henry’.
Fortunately, things started to perk up after he breaks free, to be rescued by a desert-living tribe of pacifists including the unfortunately name “Wind” (Cynthia Khan again — hooray!). Living by the tenets of “The Book” — it’s never actually named, but no prizes for guessing which religious text talks about “loving thy neighbour” – they grudgingly fix Amp up, then insist he leaves. When he does, Wind follows, dressed in a natty canary-yellow lounge suit, doing her best ‘lost puppy’ impression. After a day of this he decides, unsurprisingly, to return her to her clan, only to find that, in the tradition of pacifists in martial arts movies, they’ve been slaughtered. Mainframe’s men, discovering Amp is still alive, have taken revenge on the tribe who helped him.
Cynthia: before and after
Here Wind enters “you killed my family and you must pay” mode, and literally throws away The Book, though she could have hung onto the Old Testament, which I seem to recall being pretty keen on “an eye for an eye”, etc. Her pacifist philosophy is totally destroyed when she’s nearly mugged by a beggar. Only Amp’s intervention saves her, but it also marked the turning point of the film, from an Incredibly Bad angle. Amp gives the expected lecture on “these people will kill you for one drop of water…toughen up!”, and our reaction was ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if Cynthia kicked the helplessly sprawled beggar?” To our delight & joy, she did. Four times. We sat up and took note: the director was clearly one to respect when it came to fascistic, gratuitous violence.
Amp is back at the bottom as a fighter, in the Beazer Homes League so to speak, reduced to battling for water and gas. [While unlikely to lose Jackie Chan sleep, the fights are plentiful and not bad, especially as most take place on sand-dunes, scarcely solid footing. However, the usage of two sound effects in strict rotation eventually becomes slightly wearing] After a bit, Wind fancies a shot, despite the canary-yellow lounge suit. “It’s gotta go”, we muttered, and lo, during training (CK incidentally looking much better in the flexibility department than DC), the jumpsuit was replaced by a far more aesthetically pleasing black leather number. This responsiveness to audience demand was getting worrying close to interactive cinema.
Her abilities are soon put to good use, when they are attacked by a masked tribe. Who are they? Damned if I know, not until the end credits does it transpire they were apparently a bunch of lepers — yes, lepers. Doing martial arts. No “Flying Fist” jokes, please. Amp kills their leader, which confuses them so much they, er, let Amp and Wind go.
You’ll probably be wearing the same expression by the end of the movie.
Meanwhile, we bump into Scutter (James Gaines), a figure from Amp’s past, with the scary responsibility of moving the plot on. He reveals this began when Mainframe started gladiatorial death combats: Amp would never kill his opponents and was more popular with the crowd, so Mainframe used Lyssa (remember her? So very long ago now…) as a pretext to get rid of Amp.
Amp gets drunk and randy: “Let’s screw!” he says to Wind, whose response is swift and unchristian. “Guess a blow-job’s out of the question?” counters Amp, which may or may not be a subtle homage to ‘Repo Man’. Speaking of blow jobs — or rather, blow, kick and punch jobs — Amp is also progressing through a competition. It does help that he wields nunchakus, while the poor victim in one bout has an obviously rubber axe. Unsurprisingly with such an edge, he wins, but the tournament promoter, rather than pay out, betrays him to Mainframe’s sidekick Wires (Don Nielsen), whose men have hubcaps on their chests for reasons never satisfactorily explained.
The film now hurtles to its inevitable conclusion with all the subtlety of a runaway juggernaut. Nothing can stop it, no crisis of conscience (“Ever since I met you, my life has changed”. ‘We can just forget about it and leave”), change of heart by Wind regarding the sex thing, or Scutter’s murder by Mainframe. We reach the end-product of the past 80 minutes: climatic battle between Amp, Wind, Mainframe and Wire. I won’t spoil things by revealing who wins — though there’s little inherent in FoS to ‘spoil’. But it springs one last surprise in the end titles, where it’s suddenly revealed to be operating under a pseudonym, and was really called ‘Eternal Fist’. Well, I’ll be damned. But somehow, this just sums up the entire delightfully dumb experience…
Ah, that time of year once more, after the summer holiday pig-out, yet before the pig-out which is Christmas. You look at yourself in the mirror and think, “Better go on a diet”. Easier said than done. Diets are hell, and anyway, your body knows best what’s good for it — even if that involves an entire cheesecake, straight from the freezer. Go with your body. But for those who need some kind of regulation, we proudly present the TC diet. You may not actually lose any weight on it, but it’ll certainly be a damn sight easier to follow than anything involving large quantities of yoghurt. The absence of guilt thus enjoyed will also be far more beneficial to your health than trying to reach some weight loss target supplied by a hyper-active TV presenter….
Breakfast 08:00
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skimmed milk
Lunch 12:30
1 tin vanilla flavour SlimFast
1 McVities chocolate digestive
Mid-afternoon Snack 12:35
rest of packet of digestives
2 bags crisps
3 Mars bars (or equivalent)
Bacon and sausage torpedo
Supper 18:00
2 pork pies
1 pepperoni pizza (family size)
4 cans beer
6 packets Doritos
Late Evening Snack 22:30
Large doner kebab and chips
Rules for use:
If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
Drinking diet Coke with it negates the calories.
When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
Food eaten for medical purposes should be ignored. Examples include: hot chocolate, brandy, buttered toast and Alabama Chocolate Fudge Cheesecake.
If you eat with a person fatter than you, you lose calories. The exact process still mystifies science, but follows the Newtonian principle that large bodies attract smaller ones toward them. This leads to a gravitational pull upon the smaller body’s calories.
Small pieces contain less calories. Hence, instead of eating a chocolate bar whole, eat it in little pieces and you take in fewer calories. The process of breaking causes ‘calorific leakage’.
Film-related foods have no calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not one’s own personal fuel.
Foods with the same colour have the same calories e.g. mushrooms and white chocolate.
Bear in mind the common misprint on many packets — where it says ‘serves two’ , it actually should read ‘serve two’. This applies especially to ‘Weight Watcher” meals where any normal person needs at least three for a decent helping. Remember, only count one set of calories!
Remember, if it tastes good, it probably does you good.
IMPORTANT
Anyone who is embarking on any slimming diet especially if pregnant, nursing, has a health problem, or wants to lose more than 40 pounds or more than 20% of their starting body weight should consult a doctor before starting this or any weight-loss programme. SlimFast should not be used as your sole source of nutrition; eat one balanced meal a day. As with any high-fibre diet it is important to drink at least 6-8 glasses of water, black tea, coffee or low calorie drinks each day. This diet can help slimming or weight control only as part of a calorie-controlled scheme. Store in a cool, dry place.
or why I stopped being a vegetarian, by Mark Samuels
Meat is very tasty. There’s no getting away from it. Even vegetarians, with their meat-substitutes a la soya or quorn, enjoy the fleshy texture. But is meat-eating wrong? I used to think so. In fact, I was a vegetarian myself for ten years. So what made me go back to sausages, bacon, steak and the rest. One reason is that I was consuming so much of the meat-like substitutes that vegetarians eat, it didn’t seem like a big difference. Another was being confronted with a menu in a restaurant and having my choices made for me. But these reasons fail to address the question: is meat-eating wrong? So let’s deal with that issue head-on.
Firstly, by what criteria does the statement ‘meat-eating is wrong’ have any authority? Is it wrong simply because a group of people who don’t eat meat say it’s wrong? In that case, it’s only an ethical judgement which belongs to a given set of persons and has no claim to be a universal imperative. This set does not even have the added significance of being in a majority in their opinion, therefore it could not be claimed to be a democratic imperative.
Nevertheless, it must surely be a possibility that vegetarians are right and everyone else wrong but – and this is a big but – it would require the sanction of divine authority. In accepting this view, there is no inconsistency between a minority of person being right while the majority are wrong. One obvious example is in the case of abortion which, in his book ‘Crossing the Threshold of Hope’, Pope John Paul II firmly rejects, irrespective of the climate of current thought: “It is not possible to speak of the (woman’s) right to choose when a clear moral evil is involved”. Vegetarians, of course, have no recourse to divine authority.
It’s true that certain religions, the Hindus with their sacred cows and Jews with idea of pigs being unclean, have peculiar individual laws relating to specific animals but there is no injunction against meat-eating per se. I suppose Buddhism may be an exception — but it is a virtually atheistic system of belief that merely seeks to facilitate a state of Nirvana or non-existence as the world is, in itself, the source of evil. In any case, there is no divine authority in Buddhism.
Cut the sophistry, I hear the veggies cry. Our case isn’t one that requires an over-riding moral principle universal to all. Animals are entitled not to suffer. Why should meat be eaten when it is the cause of so much cruelty? To which one would ask: cruelty to whom? Cruelty to animals of course. Which beggars the question, do animals have rights?
This question, I think, is a very strange one. There is no concept of ‘animal rights’ within the animal kingdom itself. It is purely a human conceit. It is something which we have developed, of which an animal would have no understanding at all. The concepts of the ‘right to existence’ or the ‘right not to suffer cruelty’ would be completely confined to the human side of the equation. Is it therefore correct to extend human rights to creatures without understanding?
I think that those who answer “Yes” to this last question regard animals with as much concern as they do human beings. Indeed, some would maintain that animals actually matter rather more than human beings. Of course, the most glaring feature of this frame of mind is the anti-human prejudice that has crept in under the guise of a much wider sense of brotherhood. Not, you understand. the brotherhood of evil man, rather the brotherhood of animals, human being forming only one part of this association, and at that, a rather troublesome part.
If you really believe that human beings are nothing more than animals themselves, then you cannot eat meat. But just how far will you allow this bit of reasoning to take you? Some vegans regard vegetarians as little better than meat-eaters, and even vegans seem like devils to those who have taken up a completely macrobiotic diet. My advice to vegetarians is to try and start a revolution with a herd of cows. That day that Daisy mans the barricades is the day when all good men stop eating meat.
Angel Cop – Life imitates art, #273: this OAV has Japan attacked by terrorists, and opens with an American government building getting blown apart. Seeing this the day after Oklahoma City was impressive, even though the building turns out to be the American Embassy, and its eerily predictive nature is destroyed by making the bad guys Communists rather than gun-mad Americans. Precognition aside, this nastily violent tale has anti-terrorist cops who shoot instead of thinking, rather than before. Between this gore and the none-too-subtle fascist political sympathies (the original Jewish banker conspiracy angle is curiously AWOL!), liberals will hate it, but naturally, no complaints from this corner. One episode will leave you wanting more (or rather, more! Specifically, more beer, more raw meat and more shotgun cartridges), and subsequent episodes use the room to manoeuvre, with sub-plots both prosaic and supernatural spinning off in all directions. Definitely cool. B+
Armitage 3 – Well, if you’re going to steal, do it from the best, and vast chunks of this show look to have been lifted from TC-faves Bubblegum Crisis and Battle Angel: we have the tech-gone-wonky feel of the former, and the angst-ridden-cute-slaughter-machine from the latter. Hell, she even looks like Gally/Alita. So why does this not really work? Probably the same reason I don’t like Tarantino movies. If you lack original ideas, stealing them from others is not a good idea — it only shows up your own shortcomings. If you haven’t seen the aforementioned shows, you could do far worse than Armitage 3; but then, if you haven’t seen ‘City on Fire’, you probably think ‘Reservoir Dogs’ is original and inventive. Docked several notches for unsubtle homage, despite buckets of impressive style. D
Bubblegum Crisis (dubbed) – We at TC Towers do not have a problem with subtitles. Thus, for us, a dubbed version of this cyberpunk classic is like something out of ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’: it looks the same as ever, yet it’s…changed. The plot is still there, robochicks vs. big, bad corporation, the animation is fluid and effective, but the overall feel has been subtly, and irrevocably weakened. The dubbing is just about okay, what really grates are the translated songs, which now resemble Debbie Gibson rejects. However, at least the buyer can take their pick, for which credit to Anime Projects — a good job, too, or I’d have been much harsher. Buying this is utterly, totally, completely pointless and so it gets just E+. But it’s harmless rather than anything else.
Castle of Cagliostro – Reviewed all the way back in TC14/15, but worth mentioning again here, as it’s the first time in the new wave of anime that work by the acknowledged master, Hayao Miyazaki, has been released. Given the amount of crap we’ve seen in that time, the question has got to be, “why has it taken so long?”. For even though this was his first feature, it’s streets ahead of most releases, combining action, comedy and even r*m*nce in a charming and engrossing way. The curious thing is that though this is definitely a Lupin III adventure, the hero is renamed ‘Wolf’, allegedly for copyright reasons. Oh, well. In this case, he’s tracking down those responsible for running the world through counterfeit money, while avoiding arrest by his Interpol nemesis Zenigata, rescuing the odd princess, etc. Truly wonderful stuff, miles away from the clichés, and fresh and invigorating despite being almost 20 years old. A-
Digital Devil – Speaking of the clichés, apparently this is “more than a science-fiction horror tale”, according to the press release. Could have fooled me. All the components we’ve come to expect from the lower, blunt end of the genre are here — schoolgirls, demons, body-parts going squish. For what it’s worth, the plot is about a guy turning to Satanism after he gets beaten up, only to find he has unleashed forces beyond his control. Blah de blah. Nothing to recommend it above the other dozen or so series using similar themes and ideas. E
Dragon Half – Oh god, where to start? This is one of those films where any synopsis is utterly pointless, and would only lead you to doubt my sanity even more than usual. On one level, it’s a love triangle between idol singer Dick Saucer and two fans who vie for his affection. Except one girl (left) is 50% dragon — rather unfortunate, as Saucer is a part-time dragon-slayer — and the other is 50% slime and a princess (don’t ask). This is only the tip of a Titanic-compatible iceberg as far as plot elements go, but the whole thing is a superb showcase for animation, mixing styles and approaches in a way that no live-action movie could possibly hope to imitate. Probably not for the novice, as their head will spin with the intensity of it all, but thoroughly ridiculous, completely stupid, hysterically funny — and that’s just the theme song, which will have Beethoven spinning in his grave, and appears to be about making an omelette. The rest is impossible to describe, but I have little hesitation in recommending it to any fan with a sense of humour. A
Eight Man After – Another revival of a show probably better left dead. I’m sure all the similarities here to Robocop are totally coincidental: dubious developer keen to rebuild the city, guy blown away by druggies, but brought back as a super-enhanced cyborg, who suffers flashbacks to his previous life. Get the picture? As these became apparent, my interest slowly waned; one episode is quite enough, especially since by the end, it starts to look like we’re heading towards ‘Guyver’-style tedium, as the hero ploughs his way through an infinite supply of cannon fodder bad guys. More to follow, it seems; I’m not holding my breath. D-
Ghost in the Shell – An interesting movie this, the first co-production between the Japanese and Manga Video — I fondly imagine the Manga rep yelling “More blood! Make the breasts bigger!” during production meetings. Much in the style of ‘Akira’; dystopian future, heavily plot-laden, technology getting out of hand, and like ‘Akira’, while the technical aspects are hard to fault, and are indeed often amazing, mixing computer graphics and traditional methods to good effect, it’s all a bit on the chilly side, emotionally speaking. It’s hard to empathise with any of the characters — though this might be deliberate, since half of them are cyborgs. The action sequences are impressive, but then the film has a tendency to grind to a halt while some plot exposition happens. And don’t ask me what’s going on; even after three viewings, I still couldn’t give you a definitive answer. C-
Giant Robo – Part one doesn’t hang around, opening straight into a major set-piece which would be the envy of many a cinematic climax. With a sweepingly melodramatic orchestral score, this plays like a Saturday serial, bad guys out to destroy the world, and only our dedicated heroes (and heroine — Ginrei has a significant following of her own!) can stop them. The style here is “faux classical”, similar to the animated Batman, film noir gone futuristic, and while it’s tough to shake off the feeling that you’re watching a kid’s cartoon, it is a damn impressive one. However, subsequent episodes never quite live up to this opening burn-out, the style rapidly becomes more aggravating than appealing. Just rewatch #1 instead… Overall, D-
Gunsmith Cats – If ever there was a case for borrowing a friend’s copy, this is it, as what we have here is truly a tape of two halves, Brian. The first 30 minutes are a fine, thoroughly enjoyable tale of female bounty hunters with a passion for weapons, who get blackmailed into working for the police to take down a bunch of gun-runners. No problems here: tongue is appropriately in cheek, attitude is good, animation is slick and one case where an American setting means the dubbing isn’t anachronistic (it’s also available with subtitles, for which applause is once again due). So, you get half-way through, and are thinking “Roll on part 2”. Ah, no — what you get instead is a “making of” documentary, which actually runs significantly longer than the episode it’s about! Interminable shots of car engines mix with talking heads and scenes of the creators taking in some dull parts of downtown Chicago. An exercise in monotony, it’s guaranteed to have you FF-ing. This pure filler means the £12.99 price-tag is bleedin’ extortionate, given most of the tape is highly unlikely ever to be watched again. Had we get two episodes of the anime, we’d be looking at a B rating without any trouble, instead, taken overall, a definitely mediocre D.
Kekko Kamen – I fervently pray the tabloid press don’t get hold of this, as I’m sure it would be exposed as disgusting filth: bondage, torture, Nazi imagery. All of which is entirely accurate: just omitting the slight detail that it’s a comedy. Okay, we’re not talking Woody Allen — more like ‘Allo, ‘Allo — but it’s still pretty amusing. Set in a school run by the intriguingly named Satan Toecheese, Kekko Kamen is the masked but otherwise nekkid superheroine who saves students (well, the cute girls, anyway) from vile torture at the hands of ultra-sadistic pervert teachers. As you can imagine, it is incredibly non-PC (“Auschwitz College”?!?), but unlike many entries in the genre, doesn’t take itself seriously, and while the animation is technically not awesome, that’s no problem. No wonder Jim Furman’s first reaction was “no way” — almost everything is calculated to offend, right down to the heroine’s nunchakus — but for the moment, it’s delightfully tacky. Imagine ‘Reform School Girls’ crossed with ‘Grange Hill’ and you’ll be in the right area. Bonus points for the closing song, whose subtitles rhyme and scan, offering you the chance of Kekko Kamen karaoke. Kool… B+
Kishin Heidan (below) – Well, this is certainly different, putting giant robots in the era of World War II, throwing in Albert Einstein and Eva Braun’s twin sister too. Oh, and did I mention aliens with sub-machine guns are invading Earth as well? This is my major gripe; too many things are crammed into the plot, which tries to cover more disparate genres than is good for it (c.f. the much-maligned “comedy horror”). One twist is quite enough per alternate Earth, thank you. The animation is good, despite some of the stupidest haircuts I’ve seen in anime, which badly jar otherwise good attention to period detail. There are probably three good stories in there somewhere, and if they’d stuck to telling just one, the end result would have been less of a rat’s nest. C-
Ladius – For thirty-five minutes, this is batting quietly away, doing it’s best to be a condensed version of ‘Laputa’ (a struggle for the long-lost powers of an ancient civilisation). It’s got interesting characters, a nice sense of humour: what could possibly go wrong? Answer: the mecha arrive. All decent ideas go out of the window in favour of the usual posturing and stereotypes — would anyone in battle really say “Ha! The goddess of victory is on my side!”?). This pointless exercise in robotics rapidly gets very tedious; in five minutes you don’t care, in ten you’re praying for it to stop. Luckily, it does. A perfectly good tape ruined by gratuitous model kits. D-
Love City – Despite it’s title, this isn’t another dubious tenticular epic, it’s an ‘Akira’ clone, with psychic powers, body morphing and even a bad guy who looks suspiciously like the Colonel (and I don’t mean Sanders). The hero is a renegade ESPer, accompanied by a young girl who multiplies the psychic powers of anyone she touches and is thus highly valuable. The group he left are out to retrieve her, but are riven by internal splits. While not without interest initially, and possessing the occasional trippy interlude, it hasn’t enough ideas to sustain a movie: for most of it, the hero just beats up one set of bad guys, then another, and another. Would have made a good 50 minute OAV, rather than a dullish movie. D+
Mad Bull 34 – It would be helpful if this show could make its mind up what it wants to be. Any given episode will swing from wild farce to savage brutality in the blink of an eye, leaving the viewer unsure whether to wait for a punchline, or just another punch. On the whole, the humour works well: juvenile and totally puerile, certainly, yet funny nevertheless, like an adult Tom and Jerry. Wonder whether respected writer Kazuo Koike, who co-scripted it, is to blame for lines like “I had the feeling the evening might end up like this, so I used these grenades as a jock-strap”? Does give you some idea of its level. As in ‘Gunsmith Cats’, the American dubbing works in its favour since the characters are New York cops, and the ferocious swearing (‘NYPD Blue’?) thus isn’t too jarring either. The viciousness, for example a truly nasty beating in episode two, doesn’t sit comfortably in the humorous milieu. While its casualness reminded me of ‘Dominion’ (so did some of the character designs), it seemed more intentionally sadistic. Either jokes or carnage would be effective: as is, it’s not quite the sum of its parts. C
Orguss 02 – Yes, folks, it’s giant robot time again, in which a number of beautifully animated, enormous, model kits fly around, piloted by cardboard characters as flat as pancakes, in a plot full of mind-boggling clichés. No, hang on – what’s this? Intelligence? Innovation? And actually, not that many tedious battles either. This feels slightly ‘Honneamise’-esque, with an alternate world teetering on the brink of war, and political machinations dragging in the unwary, in this case hero Lean, who only joined the military to pay off his mother’s debts. He finds himself dropped behind enemy lines and a long way from home. Surprisingly good, all in all. Now, where did I put the Airfix? B
Patlabor – Delighted to see Manga releasing this both dubbed and subbed; ironically, just as their dubs have, in general, been getting pretty decent (now, can we go back and have a subtitled ‘Project A-ko’. Pretty please, with sugar on top?). The first such dual-version is a mecha-based story centring on attempts to build artificial islands in Tokyo Bay. The police discover the operating system used by the robots is flawed; unfortunately, the man responsible had committed suicide, leaving only cryptic biblical quotations behind. Worse still, the police mecha use the same OS, so failure would leave the city a tad exposed. Technically excellent, which you’d expect from a film originally destined for the cinema, this is very worthy, just a teeny bit dull. The problem with mecha-oriented anime is a tendency for the robots to obscure everything else and while ‘Patlabor’ isn’t bad, ultimately it’s sunk by a lack of totally believable characters. Not a failure, by any means, but not an enormous success. C
Peek the Baby Whale – Got to wonder what market this is aimed at, as the obvious kidvid angle would seem to be negated by the subtitles. Still, good way to teach ’em to read, and I reckon, the sooner they get used to subs, the better! Ideally, this should be viewed cross-legged in front of the TV, with bottle of pop and bag of crisps — I tried to replicate this with a four-pack of Newquay Steam and a kebab, and it seemed to work. This is childlike, rather than childish stuff: injured baby whale Peek is rescued by a young boy, then whale-napped by a circus, from where he must be rescued again. Made in 1991, I get the feeling ‘Free Willy’ may have lifted chunks from this, most notably the climax. Animation is a little oddly styled, but effective, it’s not in the slightest patronising or condescending, and is generally a little remarkable, given that Japan probably currently does more than any other country on the whale-extermination front. Guess not all their citizens see one and think, “lunch”! C+
Project A-ko 2 – Much delayed sequel, with a story similar to the original: A-ko and B-ko battle over C-ko, as aliens and agents effect anarchy all around. Part one will forever live in infamy (“infamy, they’ve all…” — nah!) as one of Manga’s worst dubs: this is an improvement, but still isn’t exactly brilliant. The actors remain unaware it’s a comedy f’heavens sake. The review tape had 25 mins of subtitled trailers and other stuff after the OAV, and it’s a real revelation to find yourself laughing at the same scenes that left you cold in the dub. Understandably, this footage will not be appearing on the commercial release… It truly hurts me to say it, but I simply can’t recommend it, in this version. C-
SD Double Bill – You get from this one very much what you put in, since this is little more than an hour of anime in-jokes, admittedly including some very amusing ones. If you’re not familiar with ‘Bubblegum Crisis’ and ‘Gall Force’ — very likely, since the latter isn’t out here yet! — this won’t make much sense. There’s a spoof documentary on the “Making of Gall Force”, plus “Scramble Wars”, which is probably more accessible, being a ‘Wacky Races’ clone involving teams from various anime series, and some tedious live-action fillers of interest only if you want to see people sing the theme song. Any novice should stay well away, but if you know your stuff, the anime chunks should certainly be right up your street. Assuming this is so: B
Space Adventure Cobra – Another Manga Mangle, with the original music removed, and replaced by Yello; while I feel they should leave well alone, I like Yello a lot, and they are often startlingly effective here. The film itself, despite some uncertainty about whether it should take itself seriously or not, is an entertaining SF romp with a sure touch. The title is nonsensical, as Cobra is actually the galaxy’s most wanted man, who simultaneously is the only one standing between it and destruction at the hands of Lord Necron, a villain resembling Judge Death with a hangover. Stylish, in a 70’s sort of way, and with a bleak ending that makes its contrived nature worthwhile. B-
Space Firebird – A milestone in terms of anime production, one of Osama Tezuka’s landmark works tells the story of the hunt for the semi-mythical creature of the title. While undoubtedly deserving of much respect, it now shows definite signs of age; while much of it is years ahead of its time, unfortunately its time was a couple of decades back, and things have moved on since — the Max Fleischer-styled elements especially look past their best. However, the “heroic bloodshed” aspects are still impressive, there’s lots of tragic bravery and destruction on view. What this really needs is a 90’s remake, with a harder edge to replace the cutesy animals. D+
Streetfighter II – Anime kung-fu is at a disadvantage: anything that’s impressive done by Jackie Chan, is less awesome done by hand-painted animation cels. Having said this, the anime version of SF II is certainly better than Van Damme’s film for martial arts, notably a cracking bout between Vega and Chun-Li, staged with an excellent eye. The problems, however, are similar: with a dozen characters, even after relegating some to cameos i.e. Zangieff & Cammy, there’s little room for plot (basically the same as the live-action one, Bison takes over the world). It’d make a better ongoing series than a film, and indeed, AD Vision UK are soon releasing the TV show, which might have a chance in the story department. Here, there’s an “improved” soundtrack; a mixed blessing; any gain through KMFDM is countered by Alice in Chains, ugh. Certainly more faithful to the game, though this is not necessarily a good thing — Guile’s haircut, questionable as a sprite, looks plain stupid when animated! C
Okay, in Urusei Yatsusa, Lum never really gets her baps out. But this is supposed to be the X-rated edition of TC…
Urusei Yatsura – Let’s take a sample volume. Number 7, featuring episodes 25-28. Even though I’ve missed the preceding dozen or so instalments, this was not a problem: UY is basically an exercise in manipulating the elements of a love triangle (lecherous boy, jealous girl, extra-terrestrial female) in as many ways as possible. Character progression: nil. But that isn’t the point: this is more sitcom than soap. The animation is TV quality i.e. low, but the scripts are sharp and the characters are endearing. How long can they keep this up without becoming dull? Only another 43 volumes to go… B-.
Ushio & Tora – Having missed the start of this series, I can only presume it explains the link between hero Ushio and irritable tiger-demon Tora. Taking that as read, however, it’s enjoyable horror-action, with odd comedic moments, tho’ the eps I saw were very similar. Both went from demonic slaughter to slaughtered demons, Ushio almost losing before bravely returning with big spear and Tora to kick supernatural ass in the last reel. Two tapes of this are fine entertainment, but left me in need of variety. Luckily, the final volume, part 6, is totally different, with superdeformed versions of the characters engaging in utterly manic silliness; the best of the lot, at least for this uninitiate. B-
Vampire Princess Miyu – I suspect Manga aren’t sure what to do with this one; I had to phone up and ask for it, when normally the problem is them sending tapes you don’t want i.e. 13 ‘Guyver’ episodes. For ‘Miyu’ is a horror story, but is incredibly restrained — a PG certificate — and has hardly a drop of blood. It’s unlike any I’ve ever seen, with the heroine a young vampire girl who only bites those who want eternal life, and who eternally hunts her colleagues who give this ‘gift’ to those who don’t want it. Incredibly stylish and cool, nice touches ooze from every pore, and it makes clever use of animation’s strengths to create a world both plausible and surreal that’s reminiscent of classic Japanese ghost movie ‘Kwaidan’. If you liked that, ‘Miyu’ will be right up your (eerie, atmospherically lit) street. A-
Anime Stop Press…Stop Press…
Inevitably, there was a rush of titles too late to include in the main reviews. But, keen to be on the cutting edge (even if it’s been, er, sixteen months since last TC), we’re going to review them, though we can’t be bothered to set the section out again. They are included in the chart overleaf though — that had no graphics and so could be easily updated without tedious faffing around. Anyway, here they are…
A public information announcement: the four above are really a gang of tough female mercenaries, and not, as it might appear, a group of brainless bimbos with nothing better to do than flounce around in a varied selection of naff costumes. All together, now: “If you wannabe my lover…”
Bubblegum Crash – Just when I think Manga Video have finally got the hang of things, out comes another atrocity. Bubblegum Crisis is perhaps the #1 cyberpunk series, and this is the sequel — not that you’d know it from a dreadful cover which turns it into a soft-porn toss-fest. No, no, no!BAD Manga! Add in some truly dreadful dubbing which turns the heroine from a biker girl into…well, a Spice Girl…and you’re left with a compelling case for buying an NTSC-compatible VCR and getting the subbed import — unlike Bubblegum Crisis, there’s no freedom of choice over format. The faint echoes of storyline (rebellious androids, psychotic mercenaries and a grandstand finale under an atomic power station) are like a breath of breeze on a too-hot summer day. At least they left the songs intact, so 0.25 of a point for that, bringing it up to E.
Burn Up W – The ‘W’ stands for Warrior, for no readily apparent reason. This is a small-but-perfectly-formed mix of silliness and action, when a band of incompetent terrorists take over a building and make demands involving nude bungee jumps by idol singers, there’s only one thing to do. Call in the incompetent mostly-girl SWAT team, of course! Ah, but things aren’t quite as they seem, there may be method in the terrorists’ madness. Another micro-edition, at a mere 25 minutes or so, so down-graded for value, but it’s an enjoyable romp and I’m interested to see what happens in the remaining episodes.
Goodbye Lady Liberty – Like ‘Castle of Cagliostro’, this is another Lupin III (aka ‘Wolf’) film, though the atmosphere and feeling here is different. There’s less romantic comedy here, we seem to be sliding closer to James Bond territory, with Wolf fighting the imaginatively named Conquer The Universe, Inc., a vaguely satanic group who need a diamond that’s hidden in the Statue of Liberty for, oh, the usual world-dominating reasons. Trust our hero to think laterally and steal the statue itself. [Even with today’s CGI effects, some things are still easier to do in animation!] The plot is fitted together like a Swiss watch, double-, triple- and N-ple crosses abound, and sidekick samurai Gomen steals the show with his bizarre Zen-like koans for ecery occasion. Perpetually entertaining nonsense of the best sort. B+
Princess Minerva – Starting off as a parody of the sword-and-sorcery genre, the writers would appear to have run out of jokes half-way through, as from about 20 minutes in, the humourous elements shrivel up and die. What you’re left with is a fairly straightforward tale of monsters ‘n’ magic, where most of the imagination has gone into costumes which, in the real world, would prove structurally unsound. This is a shame, as the first chunk showed some promise, with a tomboy princess fed up of palace life, who adopts a ludicrous secret identity for reasons too complex to discuss here. Brightly animated, and with the subs making a brave attempt to keep up with what looks like a horrendous collection of in-jokes, it tries hard but ends up being the very thing is starts out lampooning. D
Secret of Mamo – Have some more Lupin III/Wolf. The ‘Mamo’ of the title is an evil villain who is blackmailing both superpowers, and only Wolf can stop him, since he has the artefact which the bad guy needs to complete his (inevitably) fiendish scheme. The usual pack of supporting characters turn up — Zenigata, rival thief Fujiko, etc — and there is much more surreal parody going on: at one point, for no immediately explicable reason, the animated backgrounds switch to a selection of classic works of art, including Dali and Escher! It’s very much a case of take it as it comes, the dubbing will eventually sound easier, and there are more than enough humouros touches to keep it all bubbling on the entertainment hotplate. While perhaps not the best introduction to the show, if you like the series, this is unlikely to disappoint.
Sukeban Deka – Not just an anime, but also a popular TV series which has generated several movie spin-offs (hated by Tomoko — my copies bit the dust!), this demonstrates that the best way to get away with a totally ludicrous storyline is to play it dead straight. And, ladies and gentleman, we are deep in ridiculous territory here: a reform school girl is freed, on condition she becomes an undercover cop investigating a school more or less run by three evil sisters, who offed 70+ schoolmates purely to make some room. Oh, and she wields a mean yoyo. But it’s all done without knowing camp, which makes it work better than it sounds. By the end of the 50 minutes, I was really quite keen to see what happens next, even if I had been distracted by the promotion yo-yo AD Vision UK sent with it. God knows what they’re gonna do with regard to promotional activities if they should release a raunchy title: maybe I’ll get PR girl Glenda herself, wrapped in brown paper? We can but hope [no, Tomoko, put that carving knife down, I was joking, hone…] C+
TTS 801 Airbats – Now, this truly is aggravating. The American version had three episodes on one tape. Even the time-code had three episodes on one tape. The British release has…one miserly episode for your £12.99. AD Vision UK is rapidly become the nouvelle cuisine label of British anime, releasing tiny portions of very nice series at extortionate prices. Harumph! Bearing this in mind, you’ll not be surprised to hear that this is actually entertaining stuff — just don’t blink or it’ll be finished. A new airplane mechanic is sent to an all-girl aerobatics display team whose pilots all have bad disciplinary records. Despite stumbling in on them in the shower, he’s soon part of the crew, as they struggle to avoid being disbanded. While not exactly pushing any boundaries, the animation is good, characters are well-drawn and sympathetic and it’s a nice twist on the girl-in-a-man’s-world plot. But is it worth the money? Your call… C
Return of the handy, cut-out and keep TC anime guide!
