We recently moved offices, a process fraught with difficulty and enormous logistical problems such as finding a decent sandwich shop, convenient Post Office and cheap stationer. While engaged in these, I came across a CLC bookshop. Now, I had no idea what CLC stood for, so innocently entered, freely and of my own will. Within seconds, I’d realised my error – I still had no idea what the last letter meant, but I realised the first two stood for ‘Christian Literature’.

Resisting the urge to projectile vomit, I explored. Beyond wall-to-wall Bibles in every format possible, I found a crock of wonders collected under ‘New Christianity’. That’s “new” as in “new man” and “new Coca Cola”, i.e. ‘irreparably screwed up’. I heartily recommend any reader needing a good laugh to locate their nearest CLC bookshop and lay out a little money – a very little money, in fact, as their subsidised nature means you get a lot of paranoia for your pennies.

We’ve covered some New Christian beliefs previously, but just as you won’t find wild porn in W.H.Smith’s, it seems that the best, juiciest, hard-core religious rants only appear in “specialist” shops. I have quite enough material for an entire series of articles. You have been warned…

“Dancing With Demons – The Music’s Real Master”
Jeff Godwin, Chick Publications, 7.95, pp.352.

“Unrepentant agnostic, convicted drug smuggler, pro-homo dopehead and powerful prophet of a generation’s immorality”. Which pop star does Mr. Godwin describe in these glowing terms? Madonna? Prince? Ozzy Osbourne? No. Difficult though it may be to believe, it’s actually that well-known Satanist…Paul McCartney.

Yes, the man who wrote perhaps the anthem to Beelzebub, ‘Mull of Kintyre’. For according to Jeff, it’s not that some rock music is satanic, or can unduly influence young people. “The vast majority of today’s popular music is pure praise and worship directed towards the Greek god Pan, and his ultimate master – Satan”. Consider the implications: Betty Boo, Take That, Kylie Minogue, all in league with the devil. Worryingly plausible.

Indeed, he even quotes Bananarama – “I’m your Venus, I’m your fire, your desire” – and follows up with the solemn assertion, which I quote directly and unaltered, that “in the occult, Venus, the “bright morning star”, is another name for Lucifer. This nightmarish picture of burning souls trapped in a world aflame is blaring from millions of stereos all across America. Each one is an altar to Satan, dripping with the doctrines of devils”.

Apparently, rock music is “rooted in the Druid demon worship of Celtic England and baptised in voodoo ceremonies of Africa and the Caribbean”. Most of the rest of the book is taken up with supporting the point by extracts from songs and quotations from interviews which “prove” that Satan is behind these people. This is not difficult with people like Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister, but where the book gets more amusing is when he sinks his teeth into people like McCartney, or Tina Turner. She gets pilloried for, among many other sins, her choice of jewellery in “Mad Max 3”. “To those in the occult, wearing an ankh shows that you have given up your virginity and take part in sexual orgies”. Ah.

Vitriol is also heaped on Daryl Hall (homosexuality and satanism), Stevie Nicks (witchcraft) and Madonna (three guesses. Her section sounds like it was written by Anthony Perkins on the set of ‘Crimes of Passion’: “smeared, brazen picture of a street-wise harlot”, etc, etc). Then he turns his attention to rap, and we get the following very interesting paragraph, with regard to the cover of LL Cool J’s “Radio” LP, and Cool J’s hands in particular:

“They are in very odd positions. He is “signing”, or calling up demons. Superstar Prince also uses signing on his 1986 “Parade” album cover. Most of today’s rock videos are full of these manual incantations. I once sat through six hours of non-stop MTV. At least half the videos I watched contained witchcraft signing! This is not rock dancing, it’s the literal calling up of demons”.

After a chapter on the film “Trick or Treat” – 99.9% more than it deserves, or is going to get here – he talks about two “especially rotten” groups. Bet you can’t wait to find out who…

He means Whitesnake and Heart. Bit of a disappointment, despite claims that “there is more about David Coverdale & Whitesnake…but it can not be printed”. But happily, Tawny Kitaen is mentioned, as Coverdale’s wife: “What a ‘coincidence’ that Kitaen has also appeared in an occult film called ‘Witchboard’ about demonic manifestations called up through a ouija board. Her sex-soaked ‘acting’ has lust-witch written all over it”. Well, I wouldn’t have said she was that good. I can only presume Jeff hasn’t seen “Gwendoline”, or Tawny would be burning at the stake…

Next in the firing line is the New Age movement. Now, I’ll admit they have their faults – I have some sympathy with another Christian book that claimed vegetarianism was the work of the Devil – but comparing them to Nero, Karl Marx and Hitler is, well, giving them more credit than they deserve. John Lennon gets a lot of flak in this chapter (what has this guy got against The Beatles?), as does Live Aid, though the impact is deflected somewhat by a reference to “David St. Hubbins of the Heavy Metal group Spinal Tap”, with no detectable irony whatsoever.

Then there’s a surprising section in which he attacks even the Christian Rock acts, such as Stryper, for hypocrisy, pride, timidity(?), and barely stops short of accusing them of sacrificing virgins. Only barely; he makes the relatively valid point that the title of Stryper’s LP, “To Hell With the Devil” can mean opposite things, depending on whether you stress “Hell” or “With”. I do agree that people should be dissuaded from listening to these groups, albeit for the simple reason that they are uniformly naff.

The final commentaries are the most worrying, as it’s there that he describes what he considers to be “truly” Christian music. Know what it sounds like? Melody FM.

“You can reject it if you choose, but when you stand before the Lord on Judgement Day, don’t say you weren’t warned”.

Thanks for the tip, Jeff, but on the whole, I think I’ll take my chances that God is a Ministry fan. Now, where did I put that ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’ CD…

City pours cold water on nude shower

Los Angeles – A night-club must close its main attraction, a shower enclosure where nude dancers cavort for male customers, because the enclosure lacks wheelchair access. Los Angeles officials said the club discriminates against wheelchair-bound people because of lack of access to the shower, denying them an equal opportunity to work as nude dancers. Ron Shigeta, head of the disabled access division of the city’s department of building and safety, said the law is the law, no matter how ridiculous it might seem to some people. “They built something that the physically disabled cannot use. The law doesn’t allow you to discriminate…” he said.

Pensioner given 18,000 years to pay tax bill

Massa Carrara, Italy – Italian pensioner Aldo Trusendi got the bad news and the good news about his tax bill all in one envelope. The bad news? He owes the state some 46 trillion lire (£25 million) in back taxes and fines. The good news? He will have nearly 18,000 years to pay it. Trusendi, 63, was told the money would be deducted from his pension at 281,000 lire (£110) a month, the Italian news agency AGI reported. Trusendi was quoted as telling the agency it was all some kind of mistake that would be cleared up sooner or later.

Candid cameras challenge coin crooks

London – British telephone booths are being fitted with hidden cameras the size of a fingertip to catch thieves breaking into their cash boxes, a newspaper said. The cameras begin filming when their high-tech sensors detect any tampering with the coin box and relay pictures to a control room, The Times said. British Telecom aims to fit up to 500 of the gadgets in booths across Hampshire by the end of the year, it added. “There is no question of taking pictures or listening to people just using the phone normally,” a BT spokesman said.

World Cup fever outrages purists in Iran

Tehran – Iran is gripped by World Cup fever. Up to half the population reportedly watch the games which are broadcast live — or almost live — for the first time since the 1979 Islamic revolution. Purists concerned about revolutionary Islamic values are outraged about the coverage and about the partial lifting of a ban on women going to soccer stadiums announced this week. State television has been showing every game of the World Cup live — except for a delay of a few seconds to allow editors to cut out crowd scenes showing women fans in clothes deemed inappropriate. The gap is filled by doctored crowd shots from previous games.

Rutger Hauer’s reputation stands mostly on his work done since “Blade Runner”, when his portrayal of replicant Roy Batty brought him to international attention. After that, he appeared in some of the most entertaining films of the 1980’s, such as “The Hitcher” and “Wanted: Dead or Alive”, as well as the unparalleled Guinness adverts which he helped to create. But before “Blade Runner”, he’d already been starring in European films for ten years, mostly in his native Netherlands. Some of this early work is quite famous: “Soldier of Orange” gained significant rep, to the extent of winning the Oscar for Best Foreign Film that year. However, others are not so well known, so let’s go back in time….

Keetje Tippel (Kathy’s Passion, a.k.a Hot Sweat) (Paul Verhoeven) – 1975

First stumbled across as ‘Hot Sweat’, it was difficult to believe that this truly was it’s original title, as the rest of the packaging bears little resemblance to the movie, with neither Hauer nor Monique Van De Ven bearing much resemblance to their cover pictures, and a blurb which makes it seem slightly more sleazy than ‘I Spit On Your Grave’. And it was indeed a gratuitous retitling, but it’s still of interest, if only for the number of people involved who are also known for other things: apart from Hauer, and director Verhoeven, the cinematographer was Jan de Bont, who went on to shoot ‘Die Hard’ and, of course, direct ‘Speed’.

Despite these credentials, what we have here is less action film than earnest little social drama, set in Holland about the turn of the century. A family move to the town from the countryside, hoping to find a better living there. Needless to say, they don’t – it’d be a dull movie if they did – and daughter Kathy (Van de Ven) slides into a downward spiral, ending in prostitution. Luckily, this doesn’t last long: her second client is Rembrandt, who decides to use her as a model. One of his friends (Hauer – at last!) takes a fancy to her, and it all eventually ends happily.

While allegedly biographical – the author was nominated for a Nobel prize, according to a final caption – it doesn’t really ring true. Seems a tad too sanitized: take the nudity away and this could be a Sunday evening BBC serial. However, the performances are solid, Van de Ven doing a nice job in the sparky-heroine-who-won’t-give-up role, and the period atmosphere is also successfully evoked. Hauer’s role is small; his major activity is punching the stomach of a man who recognises his girlfriend from her early, ahem, career. Maybe it’s just me, but Verhoeven seems to have enjoyed this single moment of literally visceral violence… C-

Dandelions (Adrian Hoven) – 1974

For the first hour, this is an intriguing beast. Hauer is a screwed-up ex­-sailor, obsessed by a poster of a girl blowing on a dandelion, whom he feels represents the ideal woman. His attitude to the female race has been severely warped, since his wife became a junkie whore while he was away at sea. As a result, he now spends his time being generally unpleasant to any female who crosses his path – and many do, attracted by his handsome looks. He finally gets to meet the model for the poster, after a spurned woman hires her to “teach him a lesson” by spurning him in return, only for the duo really to fall in love. Which, sadly, is where the film falls apart.

This combination of hunk and misogynist is an ideal role for Rutger Hauer and he cheerfully gets his teeth into it. It’s easy to see why women fall for him and, after his history is explained, why he’s being so nasty. So when he meets the model, we are all set up for a solid and vicious conclusion. But we don’t get it. The pair’s relationship is portrayed with perfect regard for every 70’s cliché you can imagine – slow-motion, crap music, flared trousers, the works. While perhaps understandable given the date, this doesn’t make it any less naff. And the ending is one of the worst I’ve ever seen: it contrives to tie up the loose ends in perhaps 120 seconds, without managing to be satisfactory in any way. Maybe they ran out of time, energy, money or ideas; the end result is certainly nowhere near as good as it ought to have been, especially after the barn-storming opening. D-

Das Amulett des Todes (a.k.a. Cold Blood) (Ralf Gregan and Gunter Vaessan) – 1974

You know you’re watching a low-budget film when one opening credit is ‘Music and Special Effects By’. This is 100% accurate here, though for 90% of the movie, the result isn’t too bad. Pilot Hauer, occasionally works for a mysterious (intelligence?) organization, but wants out. They don’t want him to go: however, after he steals a case of money he should be delivering and does a runner, the chase is on. He’s aided by a woman whose life he stumbles into and hunted by his employers who want the cash back.

This feels quite a bit like ‘Wedlock’, a more recent film of Hauer’s which is also about a guy on the run with a woman, looking for loot that he’s hidden. The chief ploy in ‘Cold Blood’, however, is to keep information hidden – it starts with the heroine knowing nothing, and we only find out about Hauer and his past, as she slowly does. The film escalates nicely, until heroes and villains are in and around a ruined castle where the money is stashed. Then someone starts killing characters off with a telescopic rifle? Who is it? Sadly, once more, the answer is a lot less interesting than the questions, though what happens to the money is a nicely cynical touch. Chalk up another ‘coulda been a contender’ film. [Oddly, once again there is an eventually-famous cinematographer: Michael Ballhaus, who’s since done “Goodfellas” and “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”.] D

Turkish Delight (Paul Verhoeven) – 1973

Deja vu. Going by the cast and crew list on this one, you could be forgiven for thinking you’ve seen – or at least read about – this before. Hauer, Van de Ven, Verhoeven and De Bont all make a reappearance, together with frequent Verhoeven scriptwriter, Gerard Soeteman. Hauer’s character, the appropriately named Eric Bonk, also seems straight out of ‘Dandelions’, a serial woman-hater for whom a one-night stand is a long-term relationship. In this case, however, rather than a quest for perfection, it’s down to events in his past, flashbacks to which occupy the majority of the movie.

As previously mentioned, this kind of role suits Hauer down to the ground, and Verhoeven seems better able to handle the ensuing emotional intensity than Adrian Hoven manages. It’s irregularly amusing, with Hauer’s wild character causing chaos in a variety of forms (for example, one of which involves a statue, a dress that won’t stay up, and the queen of the Netherlands!), and all supporting roles are solidly presented. At first, the new love he’s found seems ideal for him, but the flashback structure means we know it’s doomed to failure – the only questions are how and when. It manages to avoid too much of the classic 70’s style, so unerringly hit by ‘Dandelions’, and is worth a look; it’s now out on sell through, unashamedly trading on both star and director’s subsequent careers! C+

These four films do not represent the sum total of Hauer’s pre-Hollywood career. “Spetters”, another Verhoeven movie, has been previously reviewed in TC, and he played Blane Van Neukirk in “The Wilby Conspiracy”, made in 1975. There’s also “Max Havelaar’ – or to give it’s full Dutch title, “Max Havelaar of de Koffieveilingen der Nederlandse Handelsmaatschappij”. I’ve never seen my spell-checker so totally perplexed: wonder if they made the posters especially broad so they could fit the name on. If there’s a conclusion to be drawn, it’s that you can see Hauer experimenting with his various personas. You can detect flashes of Roy Batty, John Ryder, Nick Randall and Stone in these early roles. Of course, as films like “Legend of the Holy Drinker” show, Hauer is not restricted to genre parts, but it is probably these that guarantee his status as one of the leading cult actors of our time.

Let’s talk about live role-playing. Oi! Come back here! Live role-players aren’t all bad – ok, maybe just a little bit – and it’s not all about running through muddy fields, latex sword in hand.

Perhaps I’d better start off by making a few (yawn!) explanations. Role-playing games are about taking the part of a fictional character and following it’s story through a variety of situations. Live role-playing (LRP) games up the ante somewhat. In a live role-playing game you physically represent your character: everything you say and do becomes his/her actions. Instead of having someone describe what you can see, everything is there for interaction.

You may be thinking that LRP is little different from table-top games, except that much more effort has to go into making these things for the players to interact with. So why bother? After all, it’s much easier to sit down, talk, and eat crisps, than to travel to an isolated site (it will be isolated – let’s face it, any neighbours are unlikely to be very impressed), don appropriate clothing, and quite possibly get all sweaty and icky.

Well, for one thing, there’s the atmosphere. When a live game works well, you start to suspend disbelief and can get scared, happy, sad, whatever. You find yourself shouting and screaming over nothing at all, and only later notice just how high an adrenalin rush you were on. That feels good. Add to the fun and excitement, a post session party and you have an event which is really well worth looking forward to.

“But”, you cry, “I don’t want to dress up as Elbert the Doomer, slayer of thousands with his sardonic sword Fido”. And just how do you get into a fight without hurting someone? No-one wants to go home from a game via the local infirmary, but surely action is an important part of any situation life-threatening enough to give that adrenalin rush? First off, don’t be suckered into thinking all LRP games are high fantasy. Murder mystery parties are a form of live role-playing, and almost any genre can be plundered to form the foundations of an entertaining game.

I’ve never seen anyone badly injured in LRP combat, because organisers and players take adequate safety precautions. It’s also important to note that many modern games are not combat orientated – Gothic horror games, for example, can scare the socks off you without a single violent act. Here are two examples which will hopefully give you a much better idea of the kind of story that can be easily played out in an LRP session.

The story so far: it’s a winter evening, the players are a group of apparently unconnected individuals from all walks of life, lured to a remote country pub by a series of mysterious letters, and from there to an old house. The host has disappeared. Strange figures have been seen wandering about. There’s no power, and only a few small torches and candles provide illumination. The visitations increase, player characters start to suffer from a serious of injuries and breakdowns, and it becomes apparent that some of the worst things that have happened in their lives have been carefully planned by someone.

Old notes are found which suggest that all the characters are descended from a single individual who hundreds of years ago was a witch hunter. That’s when the vampires turn up, and it becomes obvious that no-one’s coming out alive unless a way is found to deal with a vengeful witch who’s now a vampire…

This was the basis for a fairly successful gothic horror scenario. No rubbery swords and the monsters were a couple of people in stage make up. It worked because it represented ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances. Of course it’s not easy for such an adventure to be a success. It relies upon the ‘acting’ abilities of the players rather than any physical proficiencies.

But if you want a bit more action than a cerebral horror adventure can, try this. The setting is modern day Iraq, a little while after the Gulf War. Weapons inspectors have heard of a laboratory in the far north of the country that is performing hideous experiments on live subjects drawn from the local Kurdish populace. It is decided that a highly illegal team of experts (the player characters), will parachute in to deal with the place, since it’s proving impossible to get an official inspection team there. Just before the player characters are due to leave, a radio monitoring station in Turkey picks up reports of some kind of battle going on at the lab. Then the transmissions go dead and the PC’s are sent in anyway.

The plot from here on in, has little to do with mad scientists. Meet a live role-playing version of Predator, an alien has come to the hills, pursued by it’s nemesis, and has gotten involved with the experiments. The player characters are slowly picked off, either by the monster, it’s swarm of underlings, or each other, as subplots take effect, involving various covert organizations attempting to get hold of the lab’s original research and the alien’s secret. Gun play, quotes from Aliens and a fair bit of player intrigue were the secret to this scenario’s success.

These represent different ends of the LRPG spectrum. The first relies on weirdness, slow realization and an escalating sense of hopelessness to enthrall and terrify the players. In the second, the referees followed the law of film-making according to James Cameron. It was full of chases, very sharp shocks and a count-down to destruction.

Other options are available. As many, in fact, as you can think of genres to base a story upon. It helps if all the players understand the ground-rules of the genre. Don’t do a game based on an obscure series of novels if none of your players have ever read any of them. Instead you’re better off being more mainstream and cinematic. Base games on classic TV shows or hit movies. In fact a fair description of participating in an LRP game is that it’s the nearest thing you can get to being in a movie. Go on, play James Dean!

Rob Lyn Davies

If any of this rhetoric has whetted your appetite for live role-playing, here’s the address of a group which provides high quality games: Fear of the Dark, c/o Sean Knight, 239 Mill Heath, Bettws, Newport, Gwent, NP9 6RD.

Tokyo panties thief gives himself up

Tokyo – A Japanese motorcyclist who terrorised the streets of Tokyo by stealing women’s panties at knifepoint has given himself up. Ken Tanaka, 23, told police he had robbed five or six young women of their panties this year. He gave himself up because he thought he would be caught after newspapers publicised the assaults. in each known case the attacker was riding a motorbike, and left after the victim gave up her panties. No one was hurt. “I’ve been interested in women’s underwear since my early teens,” said Tanaka, a truck driver. “I did it because I want to see inside their skirts.”

Police pinch pair in pastry pelting

Biddeford, Maine – Police arrested two men for assault and are seeking a third after the pair admitted to pelting a pedestrian with pastry from a passing car. Laurie Remillard told police she was strafed and hit in the face while walking by a salvo of doughnut holes sprayed from a passing car. She got the car’s plate number when it returned for a second pass. Police said the two suspects, 19 and 20, admitted they normally throw doughnuts at street signs and did not know why they turned on a human target. Police were not sure if the pastry was fresh or stale.

‘I now pronounce you man and…’

Beijing – A Chinese man spent 20,000 yuan (£1,500) for a lavish wedding, including music, a ring and a pink dress for his bride — but the ceremony was held in a morgue and she was in a coffin. The Economic Evening News reported how relatives forced 25-year-old Ge to marry the corpse of his former girlfriend. Ge had won the chance to emigrate and broke off their relationship, causing 22-year-old Yu to commit suicide. Her enraged family demanded a proper marriage with photographs, music and cars bringing family members. The pair came from Harbin, capital of Northern Heilongjiang province.