Ok, so it should be “Watch the Banned”, but it doesn’t sound as good. Yes, what this article is about is those naughty illegal films – those of you who think we live in a free society had better think again! Next issue will include a list of these ( of course, purely in order to help you avoid acquiring any by accident ) though first, a general discussion seems a good idea.

Better begin by defining precisely what we mean. Under the Video Recordings Act, it is an offence to deal in any videos that have not received a certificate from the BBFC, punishable by up to two years in prison and/or a hefty fine. However, if you look at the list of uncertificated videos, it is extremely long and contains a lot of films which have obviously not been submitted e.g. “Fred Basset”, as well as those which have been submitted and rejected. It is this second category that we’re talking about, along with those, like “The Evil Dead”, which have not been sent to the BBFC because those concerned know it would be a waste of time. We will also, with a few exceptions, be sticking to British releases – there are any number of foreign tapes that wouldn’t be allowed into the country!

Let’s just point out a couple of anomalies in the law. It is quite possible for a video to be banned, while the film version is totally legal. “Zombie Flesh Eaters” received an ‘X’ certificate on release, but is on the blacklist. Another point is that TV companies often show uncertificated films, for example “Passion Flower Hotel”. This means that I can record this film quite happily (ignoring copyright laws!), but if I try to sell the tape, it can be seized by the police. Given the speed at which the bill was rushed through parliament, it’s not surprising such contradictions occur.

Trying to discover what videos are ‘banned’ isn’t easy. Not as many films are seized now as were in the past, meaning that most lists are about four years out of date. Adding to the problem are different versions of a film. “The Burning”, a video nasty produced by my old employers Thorn-EMI (to their acute embarassment), came out in three versions: the full version was prosecuted and it was then edited; this censored version was released and was prosecuted; a hurried recall of the tapes, a little extra use of the scissors and finally a legal tape was produced.

Unsurprisingly, a small industry has sprung up around these films, either selling original versions or pirate copies. This operates very much by word of mouth, people ‘know’ people, and since all it takes is access to two video recorders, it’s not very surprising that it’s fairly easy to get your hands on copies of “Cannibal Ferox”, “Faces of Death” or “Blood Diner” if you put your mind to it. Oddly, for some reason this network seems better developed in the North than the South.

One important thing to stress is the often forgotten fact that just because a film is illegal does not necessarily make it any good! The reverse is probably the case – decent films like “Hellraiser” or “The Fly” have a much better chance of getting passed than mean-spirited movies which exist only as an excuse to show gore. “Driller Killer” is tedious and boring, “Zombie Flesh Eaters” is almost as bad, and “Cannibal Holocaust” has no redeeming features at all as a film. In such cases, you ought to thank the BBFC for saving you from them.

Mind you, some are worthwhile. “Flesh for Frankenstein” (aka “Flesh”, aka “Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein”) is entertaining, in a tacky way, and “The Evil Dead” is a landmark in cinema. These are the exceptions rather than the rule, with the abysmal heavily outnumbering the impressive.

Few of the banned videos now appearing are professional; most of those that do are pirate copies of tapes from America or Europe; “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2”, “Combat Shock”, “Lunchmeat” and “Nekromantik” are probably among the ‘best sellers’, though since there are no charts for such things, this is pure speculation! How these get into the country initially is uncertain – post seems unlikely since the Customs are on the ball about such things; a friend in Germany sent me a BLANK tape to record “Spitting Image” and they opened that (trust they enjoyed watching four hours of snow!). Probably wisest to ignore such questions and just enjoy being able to give the finger to the Nanny State who want to decide what you can, and cannot, watch!

5 Films that have been Horribly Over-Rated.

I fear this list won’t make me any friends. I’ll just stress that a film appearing in this list doesn’t make it a bad film, just one that people have been unwilling to recognise the faults of…

1. Night of the Living Dead – A landmark in horror history, true, but it is an excruciatingly dull film. The zombies are as menacing as cold custard.
2. The Blues Brothers – What IS it about this film? I can’t appreciate why so many people rave about it, dress up like it, sing along, etc. Compared to “Rocky Horror”, it’s uninspired and VERY derivative. Nice car chase tho’.
3. 2001, A Space Odyssey – Kubrick has a severe tendency to forget about things like story-line, and gets obsessed with baffling the viewer by bombarding them with images. This is an example – what the hell IS happening at the end?
4. Cry Freedom – Aaargh! Such a bloody ANNOYING film; all the ‘white’ i.e. in power S. Africans are nasty, all the ANC supporters are nice. Attenborough, not content with rewriting the past ( “Gandhi” ), now tries to rewrite the present.
5. Tootsie – Dustin Hoffman keeps getting the Oscars, but for me the only year the Academy got it right was when he was beaten by John Wayne… Couldn’t bear to watch this film again, the least funny comedy since Cannibal Ferox.

One of the nice things about being a ‘zine editor is all the other ‘zines that you get sent to you in exchange for yours. The following is a listing of these, plus most of those I subscribe to [Couldn’t be bothered thinking of a witty title for this bit, like “Zine and Heard”…]

Films

Fantasynopsis – Professionally printed ‘zine, I think, with longer articles on fewer films than most others. As ever, these vary depending on the film, but there tends to be enough behind-the-scenes trivia to make even dull films readable. Interesting bit on being an extra in ‘Indiana Jones III’.

Samhain – This ‘zine and Shock Xpress have a hate-hate relationship – Sam thinks SX is snobby & patronising and loses no opportunity to slag it off! A nice example of a fanzine grown up to near-pro standards, with colour covers, photos and some ‘exclusive’ interviews.

Shock Xpress – Meanwhile, SX considers Samhain amateur and ignores it totally! Deals with more obscure areas, and minimal illustration, save the front cover which is worth the price by itself. Text is intelligent, if perhaps a little TOO deep occasionally. Letters column is the best I’ve seen, with editor Stefan possessing a vicious streak of sarcasm.

Slash Hits – Small, cheap ‘zine, basically a big bag of film reviews, plus a few other bits and pieces. Suffers much as TC does from artwork problems, but the text is clear and the writing style is agreeable to read.

Games

The two games ‘zines I get are designed mainly for playing games by mail; diplomacy, role-playing, soccer, etc. You’ll get most fun if you join in with these, both editors mentioned below have the patience to deal with beginners!

Prisoners of War – General game-playing ‘zine, plus odd bits on beer, motor-bikes and other things. Games include a highly professional American football and a game of ‘En Garde!’ (role-playing in 17th century France), the report on which is a real treat to read.

Sensation – Mainly sports simulations, but with bits on wargaming, books, etc. Also Games range from athletics (I kid you not) through soccer to American football.

Weird Stuff

Fortean Times – Now past it’s 50th issue, this is a digest of all the remarkable stories from around the world’s newspapers, together with articles on sea monsters, Yetis, ghosts and anything strange. Highly recommended, probably the ‘zine I look forward most to getting.

Quest – Much the same situation in the wacky world of British UFOlogy as in British horror. This lot ( the Yorkshire UFO Society ) and BUFORA ( British UFO Research Association ) spend as much time insulting each other as investigating UFO’s. Quest is a mix of paranoia & research, always entertaining. Read with tongue in cheek.

Odds and Ends

Vague – Strange publication, mix of art and text, produced by Tom Vague, an anarcho-situationalist. Varies from incomprehensible to superb, often in the same sentence. Issue 21 isn’t as good as some – ask for Issue 20, and learn all about the Baader- Meinhof gang. Expensive, but worthwhile.

Addresses, etc.

• FANTASYNOPSIS – Paul J. Brown, 1 Bascraft Way, Godmanchester, Cambs, PE18 8EG (52 A5, 1.25)
• FORTEAN TIMES – 96 Mansfield Road, London, NW3 2HK (84 A5, 2.50)
• PRISONERS OF WAR – Wallace Nicoll, 48 Broughton Road, Broughton, Edinburgh EH7 4EK (52 A5, 50p)
• QUEST – 15 Pickard Court, Temple Newsam, Leeds LS15 9AY (56 A4, 10.00/year, 6 iss)
• SAMHAIN – 19 Elm Grove Road, Topsham, Exeter, EX3 OEQ.
• SENSATION – Ellis Simpson, 95 Ormonde Cres, Glasgow, G44 3SW (64 A5, 50p)
• SHOCK XPRESS – 26 Stanley Road, Chingford, London, E4 7DB.
• SLASH HITS – Rob, 61 Queen St, Brimington, nr Chesterfield, Derbyshire S43 1HS (16 A5, 40p)
• VAGUE – BCM BOX 7207, LONDON WC1N 3XX (116 A4, 4.00)

Since there’s a little room left, one more I’d like to recommend is “Network Video”, a professional magazine, and thus outside the bounds of this area to be strict, but with a charming style all it’s own. Reading your first issue is a confusing mixture of in-jokes, references to other members of staff and pure irrelevancies – it’s worth persevering with until you suss these out because it does have a lot of interesting stuff and, being published fortnightly, is up to date. Plenty of genre stuff, cinema reviews, etc, all done in an informal style that makes it 65p well spent. If you can find it, that is!

Once again, we enter a strange universe, full of weird sights, inhabited by unusual creaturs, mole people and nine-foot tall ants… It’s Weekly World News Time again, but before we start, some people wanted to know where they could get copies of this wonderful publication – the answer is I don’t know! I buy mine from Tower Records in London, and I’ve not even seen it anywhere else – you could try phoning up/writing and asking them if they do mail order. “Tower Records, 1 Piccadilly Circus, London” should get a letter there – phone 01-439-2500. If that fails, let me know and I can acquire copies for you whenever I’m in the area. Enough reality, let’s get weird…

The diagram shows the scrambled position of Chinese genius Li Piao’s internal organs. In spite of his amazing internal mix-up, Li’s in remarkably good health, doctors in Beijing say; “When he exercises vigorously, his head pounds…”

GIRL, 15, IS PREGNANT WITH BABOON’S BABY – She was attacked by a baboon in late May ( clearly the sap rising ) and ultrasound tests show that the foetus has the facial features of a baboon, and is covered in a thick mat of hair. The mother has vowed to carry the baby to term.

While on the subject of weird pregnancies, the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology reports the birth, by Caesarian section, of a baby to a girl born with no vagina… She had just had oral sex with her boyfriend when an old flame burst in and stabbed her – the blade pierced both her stomach and one of her fallopian tubes, the rest followed naturally! Keeping up the sex theme :

BIZARRE MOLE PEOPLE TRIBE STOLE MY BRIDE – a West German geologist took his new bride into the intrerior of Venezuela on honeymoon – “One night our camp was over- run by hideous, pale-skinned men with huge, bug-like eyes the size of golf balls.” They were taken into a cave, but the man managed to escape – he now wants to lead a rescue expedition to try and recover her.

JUNGLE GUIDE IS EATEN BY 9-FT TALL ANTS – guess that says it all! “I turned around just in time to see one of the ants capture Jorge in its pincers. Another one grabbed hold of his leg. Then they tore him to shreds.” The survivor shot one of the ants, and the others carried it off, leaving him behind. “We must find out more about these ants before it’s too late” said Dr Romay, a world renowned expert on South American insects. He’s obviously seen “Them” and “Phase IV”!!

SEVEN SPACE ALIEN BODIES – Apparently, the Soviets have recovered the corpses of seven monkey-sized aliens in Afghanistan and taken them to Moscow for study. This ‘amazing revelation’ comes from a letter received by a Russian soldiers family. It’s worth printing in full:

“Dear Mother: I hope you are as well as I am. Last night I and 30 of my comrades were taken at night by truck 75 km South of Kabul. On a hillside was the burned wreckage of a spaceship and the bodies of seven little men no taller than 3 feet, about the size of a monkey. They were horribly burned, had huge pointed ears and tiny eyes. They were bald with no eyebrows or eyelashes. Their naked bodies were being placed in plastic bags and loaded into a refrigerator truck. Tags attached to their toes said they were bound for Moscow. When my sergeant saw me looking, he chased me away; “These are men from Mars” he said [ !! ], “Don’t look”. I and my comrades worked through the night loading the spaceship wreckage on the trucks. When we were finished, we were told not to tell anyone. With love, your son.”

COMPUTER CHARGED… – A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder of champion Nikolai Gudkov, electrocuted when he touched the metal board he and the computer were playing on. “This was no accident, it was cold blooded murder. He won three straight games and the computer couldn’t stand it” said police investigator Alexei Shainev. There’s a picture of a “super computer” – I knew the Russians were behind, but surely they can do better than an old telephone exchange?

SEA SERPENTS FROM SPACE EAT 3 FISHERMEN – In the Med, Capt. Carre and his three crewmen were quietly minding their own business fishing when suddenly they saw a fiery saucer shaped UFO. Then the water below them began to froth and two sea- serpents rose up out of the sea and slithered over the side of the boat; the sheer weight of the creatures broke the boat in two. “Their movements were mechanical”, said the good Cap’n. “They acted like robots. I know they were under somebody’s control”.

A few weeks ago, the WWN reached a new high in journalism when they ran some pix of notorious murderer Ted Bundy after his electrocution and autopsy [Since writing this, I’ve found out that one of the Sunday papers in Britain did the same]. Here’s a letter from their ‘Sound Off!’ page:

“Congratulations! I’m sure you took guff from some bleeding hearts because you ran the pictures of butcher Ted Bundy, but I want to tell you that everyone I know here in Atlanta thought it was wonderful to see that animal fried and laid out on a slab like that. That edition should be a collector’s item. We bought up every one we could find in our neighbourhood. The neighbours have been flocking to our house to see it, and they appreciate it as much as we do. So again, congratulations for having the backbone to show us what that beast looked like when he finally got what he deserved. As someone else said, he never looked better”.

Remind me to avoid going to Atlanta. Pleasant dreams.

Have you ever really sat down and wondered about the reviewers in the Hi-Fi magazines? For instance, what kind of person can come up with such wild prose as:

• “…sound was rather dry and lacking air, while string tone was syrupy…”
• “…Image width was par for the course, while the bass was also above average in terms of weight and clarity, showing decent extension as well as good articulation.”
• “…with grain and tizz very well controlled…”
• “…a different sound: it was unusually sweet and tended to give a more relaxed, laid-back impression…”
• “…distinctively rich and creamy tonal quality…”

And lastly, because any more would reduce me to incoherency and tears :

• “…They were as crisp and clear and fast as reality, with no overhang, no smearing – nothing…”

Did you understand that one? After my brief section-8 in Valladolid, I think I can cope with the simpler concepts involved. Much careful thought into this subject has caused me to come up with two distinct theories to explain these phenomena.

The first possibility is that they are a form of human butterfly. From birth, they live on nothing but old hi-fi reviews, purple prose, hair-raising metaphors and big thesauri. Then, on reaching maturity at about 25, they undergo an astonishing metamorphosis to turn into that fabulous winged beast: The Fully-Fledged Hi-Fi Reviewer (a protected species).

My second theory is altogether more reasonable and is simply this: Aliens. Whether they are here to destroy civilization, by reducing us to idiocy, or just hanging out on this dreary planet waiting for a really serious party, I have yet to discover.

Here, I point out a possible terrifying scenario for our agile minded readers. Imagine our alien/hi-fi reviewer Arnold Eight-Ohms trying to write a piece on the film “Eyebrows”. First, he sits down and reads a few other reviews of the equipment, forming a preliminary opinion. Then he goes out and tries to get one for free. Eventually, he ( or she, as there could just as well be a distaff sex ) will realise that things are different in the world of moving pictures, that films can be more fun than all the hi-fi in the world, and that they are a lot harder to use at home.

“EYEBROWS” ****

• Stars: Julie Robertson, Nicholas Wright, Ferdinand Groot, Maria Teresa Caballero.
• Director: Frederico de Apothecaria.
• Running Time: 1 hr 52 min.
• Certificate: 18.
• Opening Date : 27th April.

Classic cave romp, set in the South of England during the Rather Dark Ages following the separate journeys of the two cavepersons to their joint Mecca. Hallucinogenic is a fourteen letter word.

This film is a floral pastiche of landscapes, architecture and sound. The epic scenery is of such hgh quality one would think it was made in Switzerland and not, in fact, England. Filmed entirely around Milton Keynes and Cambridge by the British company Hand Maid Filums, this masterpiece of mendacious transcendental art is, in its simplest form, an erratic caveman movie.

The twin separate power supplies of Julie Robertson and Nicholas Wright stand out in the sheer quality of construction. The director obviously believes in using only the best. And what a choice. These two are stars of the first magnitude. After all, who can forget Miss Robertson’s enthralling performance as the CD-player with six separate identities in Dino de Longname’s 1985 masterpiece “Sunset, Moonrise”? And Nicholas Wright’s excellent rendition of a profligate Romeo in the 1978 film “Nuevo Romeo y Juliet, eight-times oversampling”?

In this film, they play two ex-cave inhabitants from Spain who, instead of being pre-occupied with sex and Dolby-B noise reduction, are wholly obsessed with travelling to the mythical centre of the universe, a place known only as Milton Keynes, first seen in the opening credits as the atypical caveperson’s nirvana.

Their tribulations and triumphs are set out in fine detail across the awe-inspiring sound stage of post ice-age Britain, fully utilising the six channel surround sound system of the modern cinema (400W rms per channel into a nominal 4 ohms).

Plot wise, the script lacks definition in the lower registers and exhibits a slight tendency to whiffle and splutter in the mid-range. A slight tendency to overstate the obvious affected one of the cross-intermodulated channels, most noticeably on The Velocity Kid. Also, the characters portrayed were creamily indistinct and the lacked the clean focus of a larger, more weighty, budget.

Maria Teresa Caballero comes across as a great newcomer. Her relaxed, laid back style really lends credence to her part as the angel Gabrielle, cancelling out a fractional tribble right at the top of the high end. Watch for the faintly anachronistic car chase between Gabrielle and the anathemised Velocity Kid (Groot again).

Director Frederico de Apothecario (“Sweaty”, “One Night Locked in a Cupboard with Vanna White”, “Sequel II: The Sequel”) has made a visionary break-through in his use of new technology. Compared to conventional analogue filming, his wholly digital technique gives a far better result for the same expenditure. Indeed, in years to come, this film will be the reference standard against which future digital films will be compared.

The driving rock soundtrack is well matched to the screen imagery, giving one a real feel for the events dramatized on screen. Pure digital recording techniques and the use of a very clever hardware algorithm gives one an impression of really being there. So much so, that during one particularly effective chase scene, where Marta (Robertson) is chased by a horde of drug-crazed Koala bears, I actually ran screaming from the cinema. Be warned, this soundtrack is not for the faint-hearted, those with pacemakers fitted or budding neurotics. It also has a tendency to blow up inadequately rated speakers.

To sum up, this is a great product and I recommend you go out and buy one. Or two even. Take your girlfriend, or boyfriend, or cat even – why not take the whole family and see if you can get rid of a few? I know I will. In fact, as I write, I am going to take my mother-in-law Tabitha Clench to see it. Next month, I will be reviewing the latest animated movies from Japan, including “R-Rated Bears of Doom” and “Fluffy the Rabbit”.

Just about as incomprehensible as the real thing I think…

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The Dinner Party Game (Second Sitting)

Simon Wood’s choice of guests:

MEN Dieter Meier (Yello – “member of the Swiss national golf team, ex professional gambler, millionaire, dress designer”) Salvador Dali Hunter S. Thompson John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) Roland Rivron (aka Dr Martin Scrote, etc) Jack the Ripper (“just to see who it is!”)

WOMEN Beatrice Dalle Edie Sedgewick [???] Cicciolina Lydia Lunch Gala Dali (Salvador’s wife) Princess Margaret

Interesting meal. Simon managed to leave himself out – presume he’s the waiter!

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You may have seen the “Chimp tears arm off toddler” headlines recently. Now, I know zoos sometimes give monkeys TV to stop them getting bored, but I suspect that the “Cat People” video may not have been a wise move…