* It’s dead simple: name the following films.
* No prizes, just glory, and immortality on the TC Site.
* Entries by 2359 GMT, December 31st, 1999.
* Answers to… Well, it doesn’t matter any more, does it?
* Anyone suspected of using reference aids will be excommunicated.
* The clue is partly in the question, partly in my film tastes i.e. no drippy chick flicks. Well, only a token one. 😉

1. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound “fine”?
2. My mommy always said there were no monsters – no real ones – but there are…
3. Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
4. Kill him! A lot!
5. Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
6. Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there’s no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
7. Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.
8. Nuns. No sense of humour.
9. Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and…, particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I’ve only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered… ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, “I think I love you,” and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn’t like to… Eh… Eh… No, no, no of course not… I’m an idiot, he’s not… Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb… Better get on…
10. Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?
11. I’m too old for this shit!
12. How sexy am I now, huh? Flirty boy! How sexy am I now?
13. Never take your eyes off your opponent — even when you bow.
14. Come quietly or there will be… trouble.

And finally, half a dozen imaginative uses of a certain word…

15. “Foul-mouthed”? Fuck you!
16. In two hundred years we’ve gone from “I regret but I have one life to give for my country” to “Fuck you!”?
17. Fuck like minks, raise rugrats, live happily ever after.
18. Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!
19. To know death, Otto, you must first fuck life in the gall bladder!
20. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa to you?

Answers can now be found on the far side of this picture, which happens to be from one of the movies…

Christmas is dead, the New Year has arrived, and all that’s left of the festive season are a couple of freezer packs marked “T/key”, and a few stragglers still rying to get home from the millennium celebrations. Which means it must be time for the answers to the Xmas Xuote Xuiz…

1. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound “fine”?
Evil Dead 2. Though disturbing how many people put South Park…

2. My mommy always said there were no monsters – no real ones – but there ARE…
Perhaps the best action pic of all time, Aliens.

3. Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
Plan 9 from Outer Space, the movie which also gave us classic lines like “He’s dead. Murdered. And someone’s responsible!”, as well as Bela Lugosi being body-doubled by the director’s chiropractor.

4. Kill him! A lot!
Back before it was a very popular TV show, there was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, with Kirsty Swanson (who she?) as the chosen one. The above line was delivered by Pee Wee Hermann. The film bombed.

5. Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
As everyone got, this was Blade Runner, though I’m tempted to dock half a point from the smarty-pants who put ‘Harrison Ford’, because it wasn’t.

6. Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there’s no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
One of the many great lines from Clueless (I was going to put the one which described the menstrual cycle as “surfing the crimson wave”…). The movie is based on Jane Austen’s Emma, not that you’d know it…

7. Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.
Another one hundred percenter here, The Blues Brothers. Obviously, an icon of popular culture…

8. Nuns. No sense of humour.
I’m pleasantly surprised no-one suggested The Sound of Music. It was the best film ever, starring a Frenchman pretending to be Scottish and a Scot pretending to be Spanish/Egyptian: Highlander.

9. Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and…, particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I’ve only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered… ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, “I think I love you,” and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn’t like to… Eh… Eh… No, no, no of course not… I’m an idiot, he’s not… Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb… Better get on…
As one entrant would have it, Four Drippy Weddings and a Drippy Funeral. Pardon me while I ring the dampness out of my keyboard.

10. Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?
Der-de-duh-deh! It can only be, Raiders of the Lost Ark. And it is.

11. I’m too old for this shit!
Interesting one: nominally, and frequently, in Lethal Weapon, but extra credit for those who came up with alternatives like The Rock.

12. How sexy am I now, huh? Flirty boy! How sexy am I now?
Mallory’s approach to suitors (non-verbal violence also included), from the infamous (and still unavailable on video in the UK), Natural Born Killers.

13. Never take your eyes off your opponent — even when you bow.
Ah, another pop culture icon (no, not The Karate Kid), with a funky 70’s score — Enter the Dragon.

14. Come quietly or there will be… trouble.
Though Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Basic Instinct were both imaginative and interesting choices, they were also wildly inaccurate. Try RoboCop.

15. “Foul-mouthed”? Fuck you!
Beverly Hills Cop. Whatever happened to Eddie Murphy?

16. In two hundred years we’ve gone from “I regret but I have one life to give for my country” to “Fuck you!”?
The first of two from Dennis Hopper, the thinking man’s Scary Spice: Speed.

17. Fuck like minks, raise rugrats, live happily ever after.
…not with Sharon Stone, you won’t. Michael Douglas gets overly optimistic in Basic Instinct.

18. Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!
It’s Dennis the Menace once more: Blue Velvet.

19. To know death, Otto, you must first fuck life in the gall bladder!
Perhaps the most obscure of the films in the list, but far too good a line to waste: Flesh for Frankenstein. The original line had “death” and “life” the other way round — Udo Kier said it wrong, but the director preferred the fluffed version.

20. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa to you?
The berserk and totally wonderful world of Heathers.

And now, the winners… Leading the pack was Chris Fata — though being my girlfriend might lead some to suggest favouritism is at work, she simply has a better knowledge of my video tastes than most! Plus, I’ve probably quoted most of the above lines to her at some point… Second was Nic Barbano, who got the first one wrong (but only just — his answer was The Evil Dead) then stormed back to an almost-perfect score. Mind you, as a journalist and author of the highly-acclaimed Danish book, The World’s 25 Hottest Porn Stars, he is a professional in this field. The rest were, understandably, a little way back, but here are the top five:

Chris Fata 20
Nicolas Barbano 19
Glenn Pringle 8
Keith Tweed 7.5
Phil Brown 7

Well done to all of them, better luck next time to everyone else…