I scribble a few notes about my dream. I was squatting on a hillside, having climbed through steep woodland, at the bottom of which I had left my son in the park. He was playing on the roundabout, in the care of some-one whom I could recall neither in the dream nor now during the note-scribbling. I watched the gliders taking off and landing on a raised airstrip across the valley. Each soared into the sky like an angel in splints, crested the thermals, dropped the winch-line and circled over the model town below.
My notes fail to cover the precise nature of the town and are very sketchy concerning the duration in dream time – hut, in writing the notes, new visions come, ideas for future dreams and undercurrents of old forgotten dreams which will otherwise never see the light of day.
The sky gradually filled with gliders, sunlight sparkling on their wings like loose stars on a clear night. I was strangely unhorrified to see two gliders collide and cartwheel down.
That was when I woke – or so the notes tell me. I am concerned about my son whom I apparently abandoned ill-attended in the park. My own real life children are now too old for such worries.
I look across at my wife who knits in front of the gas fire. But it is not my wife at all. I study my notes for clarification – for comfort – for some clue as to whether I am now embroiled in a new dream-without the prior warning of falling asleep. The woman masquerading as my wife seems to knit her own brain as it coils from the spindle of her revolving ear. The white glistening wormthread is clotted with headblood. The finished product of the extrusion flows over her lap and becomes the yellow grid of the gas fire,the blue flames of which flare ever upward along the wormthread. She smiles and says: `Time for bed’. I cannot remember the exact words, nor do the notes help, since they are merely marks on the paper in a language too sculptural for translation.
A paper aeroplane skims past my nose, obviously constructed and launched by the creature with the brain-knitting. She stares imbecilically with one smile on two quivering lips. The dart glided into the next dream, where he still squatted on the familiar hillside, and plummeted with a crumple to his feet. He picked it up and read the message: ‘Your son has a broken back – unless you hurry down.’
Some gliders still hung in the sky, hovering like silver dragons, so close he could actually see the dream aviators, smiling, waving – at him.
The distant airstrip bore the glistening groundling craft and, men as small as insects, careered hither and thither, busy rewinding the various winches into the shape of a childhood cat’s-cradle game. An arc of a new moon rose early above the activity.
He felt compelled to hurry down to the park – he had ignored the message on the origami dart for at least an hour of dream time.
But he woke before he could start down the wooded slope – which he was suddenly desperate to descend, since he dreaded that whom he most loved in the real world was in dire danger. The child who was the man.
The utter frustration of pulling out of a dream too early was like not pulling out of a dive early enough.
The sky was below; the ground above. He soared speedily towards a small child whose weight was being tested on a see-saw by a strange woman wearing what appeared, at this distance, to be a red felt hat. Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin.
`Fairie-tale Theater’ is the collective name given to a series of 50-minute films I produced by Shelley Duvall, inspired by the classic stories from the Brothers Grimm and others. The project was a long-standing interest of Duvall’s, who had been collecting illustrated volumes of the tales since she was a teenager. Some 20 episodes were made between 1982 and 1984, and their major strength was the high-profile actors attracted to the projects: from Robin Williams to Elliott Gould, virtually every one has a star or two headlining.
Sometimes, this doesn’t quite come off. Mary Steenburgen as tittle Red Riding Hood’ is at least a decade too old for the role — though having said that, Emmanuelle Beart recently took it on in a French TV adaptation. But when the casting does click, the effect is startling, leaving you to wonder why , no-one thought of it before. Pee-Wee Herman as Pinocchio? Vanessa Redgrave as an evil stepmother? Inspired stuff. The actors who come off best are those who tend towards the “over” end of the dramatic male, since fairy tales provide much scope for scenery-chewing in one form or another, with subtlety and understatement negative influences. This lifts the show way out of the humdrum, and there are some truly great performances.
With such, presumably expensive, stars, it’s surprising how often the show comes across as having the production values of a pomo flick. Most obviously, some of the optical effects would have been rejected by `Blake’s 7′, and ‘few boast cast-lists which stretch to double figures, The stories are also shot on video, and even the outdoor scenes are mostly filmed on sets, but this does generate a faintly surreal air which doesn’t seem out of place — the Japanese anthology film ‘Kwaidan’ adopted a similar approach for its ghost-stories.
There’s little skimping on the icky bits, though TV constraints naturally preclude overt grue. The tales are straightforward, generally accurate to Grimm, have satisfactorily few Disney-style concessions and no gratuitous ‘Little Mermaid’ happy-endings. The best have tongue slightly in cheek, enough to keep adults interested without sacrificing child-like charm. Not all manage: some, such as ‘Sleeping Beauty’ are just too po-faced for their own good (prince Christopher Reeve could presumably now relate rather well to someone in a coma…). And at the other end? ‘Jack the Giant Killer’ with a Jewish giant. Oy-veh, and similar Yiddish exclamations…
Beauty and the Beast (Roger Vadim) – Mercifully free of dancing clocks and Tim Rice, instead this adaptation is obviously, and heavily, influenced by Jean Cocteau’s version. At first, it’s disconcerting to see Susan Sarandon as Beauty since from a 1996 viewpoint, she would not seem an obvious choice for the role, shall we say. But she certainly takes the right approach, giving the heroine both strength and vulnerability. The beast is Klaus Kinski, who plays it in Nosferatu mode – same fangs, just much more hair – which is still rather appropriate. Obviously set-bound, the look is subdued, though this may be deliberate, to give the actors full rein. While they are entirely satisfactory, the main problem is running time: condensing the story into the allotted time means large swathes are of necessity hacked out. This leaves, for example, Beauty’s sisters (one of whom is Anjelica Huston) all but superfluous. and the ending seems terribly rushed, failing to tie up loose ends at all. Not all fairy tales fit nicely into a 50-minute format.
The Boy Who Left Home to Find Out About the Shivers (Graeme Clifford) – Probably the best cast of the lot, with Christopher Lee, Vincent Price, David Warner and Frank Zappa (as a hunchback mute). Not a story I know, the title says it all: a boy wants to know what fear is like. He gets the chance when local king Vladimir (Lee) needs his castle cleared of ghosts, offering the usual kingdom/treasure/princess thing in exchange. [Trivia note: princess Dana Hill voiced Jerry in the abominable Tom and Jerry: the Movie!) Hero Peter MacNicol is sympathetic without being wimpy, somewhat like a young Billy Crystal, while Warner and Lee dead-pan admirably. Highlights include zombie bowling – skull for a ball, bones for pins – and a couple of nice twists at the end. Set designs are based on Durer and Albrecht, it plays She something Tim Burton might have knocked up, though perhaps more telling is that director Clifford was editor on Rocky Horror! Best line: “When I was a boy, all 1 wanted to do was think of naked Greek statues…”!
Hansel and Gretel (James Crawley) – How can a starving family afford to keep their offspring surgically well-scrubbed? Precisely what caused the death of the evil stepmother? And how is it connected with the new patio? Ok, forget the last one, but this barnstorming version features Joan Collins as both wicked witch acid a stepmother so evil she thinks nothing of stealing bread from her kids. The plot needs no resume and is all here: gingerbread house; tome-fed children, etc., etc. Definitely skirting round the boundaries of good taste, especially a Collins rant On witch mode) about the joys of eating young flesh..Needless to say, it all ends happily ever after, though as mentioned at the start too many open questions are left unanswered — expect a ‘Rough Justice’ documentary soon, proving that the wicked witch was innocent…
Little Red Riding Hood (Graeme Clifford) – Doo Bee Doo Doo… Malcolm McDowell’s casting as the wolf was presumably influenced by his then-recent appearance in ‘Cat People’ (at the risk of repeating myself, it’s the same fangs, just much more hair…), but is actually far closer to Clockwork Alex; any second you expect him to shout “Viddy well, my brothers” and leap on top of Granny. He doesn’t, though it is nice to see the wolf portrayed with some intelligence. The psycho-sexual aspects of the tale explored in ‘The Company of Wolves’ are also more present than anticipated, even if Mary Steenburgen plays Mu Hood as more Jewish princess than innocent teenager. Indeed, few characters are quite what you expect, with even Granny displaying an aggressive streak unusual for a senior citizen. It’s all most enjoyably warped.
The Nightingale (Ivan Parser) – Again, in this one the original story is basically unfamiliar, to I’m unable to comment on whether liberties have been taken. It’s about the Emperor of Cathay, who discovers that a clockwork nightingale (made in Japan — read into that what you will) is no substitute for the real thing. Given the setting, the cast are an odd mix of Western and Asian, led by Mick Jagger as the Emperor, who delivers a suitably dissolute performance. It appears to be more targeted at “mature viewers” with a bizarre nightmare sequence in which Death cornet for the Emperor, that as far as Jagger-tums go, appears to be straight out of the ‘Perforrnance’ book of weird. The production values are comparatively lavish, save the titular feathered critter which signally fails to be remotely convincing. This aside, it’s well told, providing dimension to a charming story, and on occasion is genuinely effective. The above are just a sample of the delights on offer, opposite is a list of the titles of which I’m personally aware. To follow up, Shelley Duvall also produced ‘Tall Tales Legends’, which concentrated on American folk-tales and history. The casts were just as impressive, for example Jamie Lee Curtis as Annie Oakley, in a story that features 1903 footage of Oakley shot by Thomas Edison. As kid-TV goes, just slightly better than the moronic Trev and Simon…
Shelley-ography
Title
Cast
Beauty and the Beast
Susan Sarandon, Klaus Kinski
The Boy Who Left Home to Find Out About the Shivers
Very few series succeed in generating the sort of mass fan hysteria seen so quickly with regard to ‘The X Files’. Even ‘Star Trek’ took a relatively long while to build up a cult following, but within two seasons, Chris Carter’s baby acquired a horde of rabid, devoted fans, the “X-philes”, endlessly poring over fine details of the show, down to the colour of Dana Scully’s underwear. But is the show worth it? Frankly, no. It may be the best thing on American television, but that’s scarcely saying much. And while there have undeniably been memorable episodes (The Erlenmeyer Flask, E.B.E.), the vast majority are far more forgettable, with some pure dreck.
Let’s take a look at one such, possibly the worst to date, ‘3’, dealing with a group of modern-day vampires, which showcased some of the major weaknesses in the series. This was the first episode after Dana Scully’s abduction which, as any sad bastard will tell you, was caused by her pregnancy. The producers had to spend several shows trying to conceal it, with amusing, escalating desperation: first, baggy clothes; then, only close-ups; and finally, she had to remain stationary, her walk presumably too much of a waddle. This ludicrous farce eventually ended, though one can imagine Chris Carter’s anguished squeal as they wheeled her into the delivery room: “Come back, Gillian, we’ve still got five scenes to shoot!”. It’s understandable why they kept her on; the relationship between the two agents is the show’s strongest element. In ‘3’, and indeed most of the partner-less episodes, Mulder flails around like a landed fish, operating in a vacuum when no-one says “But surely there must be a rational explanation for all this”.
At least Mulder’s solo pursuits made a nice change [though the series’ heavy debt to ‘Kolchak’ was clear]. The series has been remarkable for sheer predictability, the majority of episodes follow a single form: Scully and Mulder investigate something; he comes up with a way-out theory, she doesn’t believe it, but he is inevitably shown to be right. With this hyper-natural ability to solve cases, you wonder why the FBI have him looking at Forteana. Give the man a week, he could probably catch every serial killer going. It would be nice, just once, to have a prosaic explanation. For instance, researchers estimate at least 95% of UFO’s are misidentifications of normal objects, so you think Mulder would stumble across J.Allen Hynek’s “swamp gas” now and again. The other series cliché is the final five minutes: the evidence will be lost, destroyed, stolen, bent, torn or mutilated, and Mulder has no proof of what happened. It strains credulity way past breaking point.
The vampire episode was a perfect example, albeit with a sceptical LA cop replacing Anderson’s sceptical FBI agent. The finale has the blood-suckers conveniently incinerated — what a surprise. The only unexpected twist was that we didn’t get the near-compulsory torch-lit forest ramble, and the most entertainment was watching the struggle to make a small fragment of Canada look like Los Angeles. [In the earlier episode allegedly set at the Arecibo telescope, all the signs had ‘Puerto Rico’ at the bottom — a touchingly naive attempt to convince us it wasn’t just the same coniferous woodland with a tape of tropical insect noise added].
Our vampire episode also demonstrated the tendency for the series to seek “inspiration” from classic SF/horror films; anyone who’s seen ‘Near Dark’ will have spotted bits of the film poking out. One vampire was even a Kiefer Sutherland look-alike! This fondness for homage is frequent, notably in ‘Ice’, with an alien life-form insidiously taking over a polar base, a cast member at a time, and no-one knows who is infected. Er, John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’? Right down to one victim being a dog, just without the stunning FX which made the movie so memorable. In comparison, The X Files were pallid, and toned-down for TV in every way.
Daryl Hannah in ‘Clan of the Cave Bear’. Oops, my apologies, it’s actually the New Jersey Devil. Easy mistake to make, I’m sure you agree.
Perhaps the poorest section in ‘3’ had Mulder discovering an ink stamp from a club on the skin of a dead vampire. He went along to the “wittily” named Club Tepes (as in Vlad Tepes, a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler, a.k.a. Dracula, hoho), where the music was nice ‘n’ quiet — mustn’t interfere with the dialogue — and at the same volume regardless of where he was in the establishment. Have these guys ever been to a night-club? Wheel on the tired Goth clichés, and lo, the first person Mulder talks to, happens to be the episode heroine. Having a character called “Spooky” apparently lets you get away with any ridiculous plot twist you want to foist on the audience.
This failure to get details right pervades whole episodes; one involving a malevolent computer provoked hoots of derision here for its wildly inaccurate portrayal of technology, harking back to bad 60’s thrillers. Makes you wonder just how much bull they spew with respect to the fields of parapsychology and UFO research. Basically, Carter and team can cook up anything they want to, and do — I imagine many viewers now think the New Jersey Devil looks like Daryl Hannah did in ‘Clan of the Cave Bear’, a cutely smudged wild-girl.
I admit the show has strengths. It’s nice to see paranoia and it’s adherents, portrayed in a good light, and labyrinthine, tenticular government has never been so well demonstrated. Plus the in-jokes are amusing [I’ve heard rumours that Duchovny and Carter are big porn fans…]. But — for the real paranoiacs — is the whole thing a PR exercise for the FBI? It’s not the first such whitewashing by a long way; from ‘The Untouchables’ on, the FBI have been the bastion of truth, justice and the American way. Compare and contrast how the CIA are portrayed in the media: inevitably, scummy and hateful. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson follow the Kyle McLachlan tradition of cuddly, lovable FBI agents. No-one would have qualms about letting them into any aspect of their lives. The X Files works, very nicely thank you, as propaganda for a police state. Bear that in mind next time you watch it.
Pleasant dreams. And remember, The Truth Is Not There…
Washington, DC – twelve hours before a massive, extensively-planned drug raid was to take place, the D.C. Department of Public and Assisted Housing issued a press release praising its role in the raid. Officials thus had to call off the operation, rendering practically useless eight months’ planning, co-ordination among four law-enforcement agencies, and a large number of arrest and search warrants obtained by thousands of hours of investigation, surveillance, and undercover drug buys. (Washington Post, 23-3-95]
A jury in Pensacola, Florida, awarded nearly $600,000 to Pedro Duran, 56, in his lawsuit against the CSX company. Duran lost his left arm and suffered a broken back and leg when a CSX train hit him as he lay on the tracks, passed out from a round of drinking. According to trial testimony, an engineer spotted what he thought was a lump of trash on the tracks and sounded the whistle as a precaution for 54 seconds before the collision. However, the “lump of trash” — Duran — didn’t move. (Orlando Sentinel-AP, 1-5-95]
The Army issued the Bronze Star for “meritorious achievement” to seven soldiers of the 3rd Armoured Cavalry Regiment firing (mistakenly) on stranded U.S. troops during the Persian Gulf war. The Army had originally awarded three of the men medals “with valour,” but revoked that distinction after criticism by the General Accounting Office. The medal-winning soldiers killed one American and wounded another before realising their mistake. (St. Petersburg Times-Washington Post, 5-5-95; Greensboro News & Record-AP, 16-4-95]
Judge Philip Mangones in Keene, New Hampshire, declared unconstitutional a drug-producing search of the dormitory rooms of two Keene State College students. The students consented to the search, and more than six ounces of marijuana was found, but the judge said that the men were too stoned to know what they were doing when they consented. [Exeter News-Letter, 3-3-96)
[A tip of the hat to Chuck Shepherd and News of the Weird, for many of these stories — see the editorial for details on how to order it]
[This freakin’ machine just died for the Nth time today. England beat Spain in a penalty shoot-out. I’ve to be in work on Monday by 07:30. I am thus in a mean mood; a perfect time to hack, cut, tear, shred and edit Lino’s reviews. 14 pages submitted. The (naively optimistic) target is eight. It’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it…]
Started 15/1/96!![…delivered 22/7/96] Hmm, funny old world isn’t it? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Funny old world? I don’t think so! What was that all in aid of? Who knows. I think I’m just stating a case, that when I actually sit down to “write” (HA!) the ‘zine reviews I don’t have the first idea what I’m going to write, OK, that’s not strictly true, Jim gives me a bag full of ‘zines, I take them home, lose them, find them, read them and review them, but all the other stuff… [what, the intervening six months?] It’s not as if I have a set plan, or visions… [I have visions. Mostly involving Lino and a band-saw] Why am I telling you this? Well, for a start it fills some space, and the unconscious stream of thought that you are reading will undoubtedly be hugely funny when put into print…then again…
OK, It’s 1996, brave new world and all that junk. Odd, isn’t it, that although I have a PC and have spent a retarded amount of money on software, the game I find myself playing over and over again is Solitaire?!!?!! What’s the story there then? I don’t know…weird… I’ve bought into the hype and connected to the Internet [Gentlemen, this could be the end of civilization as we know it. Time to buy shares in BT, certainly] – this happened at the start of ’95 but it’s taken me a year to find enough stuff to bore you rigid with. I’ve been totally sucked in by Internet Relay Chat: it really is quite remarkable… I can spend hours of my time, without an anorak on, cruising through different channels. Myself and a few friends (when not indulging in stupid games like joining the Alcoholics Help channel and asking in block capitals for ANOTHER FUCKIN’ PINT PLEASE MINE HOST as many times as we could before being booted off the channel – the record being 13 times – it’s amazing how easy going alcoholics are!!), carried out an experiment the other day, gave ourselves the most ridiculous girls names we could think of (I christened myself Babette) and set up a channel called (cover your eyes now if you are even a little PC) #WETPUSSYLOVERS. Within a matter of minutes the place was swarming with guys all looking for a little action, and the more people that arrived, the stupider we got, to the point of reverting to guys’ names…to no effect, they all still jumped up and down wanting to talk to hot babes…try it…
Otherwise, I can be found in #GB and #gasman along with several sordid channels whose names I’m not going to tell you about now! 🙂 (oh look, a smiley! you can now start calling me Mr Anorak). IRC also has quite a few points, but I might tell you about those later! (you know who you are!). At the end of the day though, when all is said and done, what good is the Internet? [Sorry, Lino – I had to cut out all your comments about the delights of Internet pornography] Yes, you can download 5th generation sound bites from your favourite band or a 30 second commercial for some idiotic Hollywood blockbuster (this is after you’ve spent up to an hour trying to connect to the site then another few hours trying to download the clips)…but is it any good for anything else? Nothing that I’ve found yet, if you do use the Internet for anything useful, do me a favour would you? E-mail me and let me know what you do?!!! [Personally, I use it to nag slacking columnists about these things called ‘deadlines’] And while I’m moaning about slow download times… You’d think that a company the size of Microsoft would have European mirror sites…I’ve spent at least 5 hours connecting to it’s US site and trying to download the Microsoft Explorer V2…!! ARRRGGHHH!
Enough of my rambling, I’m not here to tell you what I think of life, I’m here to tell you what I think of some photocopied pieces of paper that have been stapled together and sent to Jim! [I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about that! The ‘zines have probably died of boredom and decayed into some form of peat bog by now] So, finally, if you’re still awake, here we go…
Cashiers du Cinemart 1-4 Four issues, we really should pull our fingers out Jim (Insert caustic comment by Scotsman about this issue being ready AGES ago, but not going to print through lack of ‘zine reviews…it’s a lie I tell you, a lie!![Nice of Lino to do my editing for me]). Detroit, that’s the Motor City isn’t it? Yes, you know the one, features at the beginning of True Romance, yes, that film written by Quentin Tarantino …interesting links, I’ve got ’em! [Not by the time I’ve finished!] It’s nice to see the first four issues of “Cashiers…” side by side, for no other reason than to see it pull itself together layout wise. Mike Barnett, the editor is obviously stricken down with Tarantino-i-tis (See Jim McLennan) but I can’t as yet work out if he’s pro or con! Written by film fans and Blockbuster Video employees, #1 sees the unearthing of the Reservoir Dogs/City On Fire links, an article on cinematography in S&M videos (?!!!!) and all sorts of potted reviews. #2 is instantly more reader friendly (and the staples stay in!! Hooray!). We’re straight back to Tarantinoland, this time covering his fixation with toilets amongst other things! There’s a wonderful piece about the Sundance Festival, a small but well written review section in the back includes a book review of the Dictionary of Cultural Literacy (huh??!) and some top ten lists.
#3 is the nicest of the lot, the layout has settled down (and one of the guys on the front cover looks a hell of a lot like me!!). The letters page features a letter from Jim McLennan (Yes, another ‘zine with his name in!) and Jim, surprise, surprise, vents his Tarantino hatred yet again (A tip for readers, if you ever meet Jim, start whistling “Stuck In The Middle” or start going on about that really funny Madonna scene and watch him twitch!). The whole Tarantino/Reservoir Dogs /City on Fire thing goes into overdrive in #3 (I’m not about to explain it all, write to Mike and buy yourself copies of the first three issues). There are a couple of (in my opinion) very funny full page cartoon strips, more potted reviews and a promise of a Blacksploitation special for #4 …which is just as good as the other three. Now in handy digest size, don’t be fooled by the purdy cover, the inside is still as manic and unorganized as ever. GET IT FOOL! And it’s also got an article on Rudy Ray Moore who came to London in August for a film festival and one night live act!! Oh oh oh Mr Peavley!! All in all bloody lovely! Write to Mike for issues and tell him we sent you!
Linda Hayden: Dracula And Beyond Huh, huh huhhuh, boobs Beavis…huhhuhhuh… Tim Greaves comes up trumps yet again with another pictorial ‘zine, this time dedicated to that great piece of skirt (PC? What’s that?) Linda Hayden. Nothing I can say here will stop you buying it, and hell, it’s probably already sold out so tough!! but I was horrified to see the haggard tyre-like face of Ingrid Pitt grinning insanely at me, to quote Harry Enfield, “Oi, Pitt, Nooooooo”, but then, one man’s meat is another man’s mad cow. (Please note that as you read this you are probably already infected with Mad Cow disease and will be dead or barking mad in the next 10 days…according to the Daily Mirror…but then they are the same paper who promised the same thing with the horrifying flesh eating Ebola virus last year so I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you…)
Ingrid Pitt, Queen of Horror Queen of horror? Too bloody right, one look at her is enough to give anyone the shits… OK, my hatred (totally unfounded of course) of Ingrid Pitt is well known…in fact at a recent Eurofest I was shaking with anger when she arrived…so much so that I had to leave the bar (WHAT!!). Having said that she does has a large fan following (with a bloody big axe I would hope) and they will lap this up. By now, you know what to expect from Tim Greaves and he doesn’t let the side down here..full of wonderful photos (of her!!). Tim does mention in an epilogue that he was disappointed with the way that his Linda Hayden 1 shot ‘zine turned out… I have to disagree with him…Tim…stop it!
Bakya WHAT???!?!!?! Oh right, it’s a word that did mean wooden sandals and now means crass in Filipino, there, now don’t tell me we don’t teach you anything! This is a fanzine dedicated to… Hmmmm, it’s only 4 pages long, and covers everything from…Hell I don’t know, as I said, it’s only 4 pages long, I’ve been through it 3 times and I still don’t know!! It’s got a letters corner, a what to do in San Francisco section, and well, that’s it, odd, small, compact and ohhh, fuck it, recommended!
Hitomi Takaya Well, it’s a UK drawn manga, with some nifty artwork, and loads of manga type doings… You like manga and want to support home grown efforts? Well, buy it… You think manga and anime in general is really incredibly boring don’t buy it, simple huh?
Ariel High School Devil Girl Gaijin Press strikes again, from the home of Hitomi Takaya (see above) comes Ariel…Read what I said about Hitomi and it will follow for Ariel, what I will add though, is although some of the artwork is a little rough around the edges (Who am I to talk, my happy faces look like someone’s nightmare) You can tell that the artists are fans and they are drawing for fans so bloody good for them!
Tinsel City Gajin Press AGAIN! Geez, it’s getting difficult for me to be objective now…but hey, what the hell, I don’t get paid for this gig so you can stick “objective” right up your arse!! Tinsel City is a bleedin manga…UK drawn…It’s really pretty damned stinky…BUT if you’re a completist and a fan it’s only £1.50 so get yourself a copy. Me? I’m getting really VERY tired of the whole thing… Jaded? ME!! NO!!!
Bio Mecha Ok, it’s ANOTHER Gaijin Press comic…I’ll keep it short (that way I can’t offend anyone). Of the GP stuff I’ve seen so far, it’s by far the best drawn and written… On the other hand anime does really leave me cold so…make your own minds up!
Dark Star Gaijin Press strike…THUMP…what? ohh, sorry, it’s not Gaijin Press at all! I was getting into a habit there…! Dark Star #12 is (putting my reviewer’s cliché hat on) a mixed bag… I loved the Alex Winter interview and the Godfrey Ho interview…on the other hand (and these are both personal things) I hated the anime feature and the X-Files write up. Don’t let that stop you getting your hands on a copy though as other things in there (book reviews and something called “Strangely Dismissed”) more than tip it into the readable section.
Red Leopard III Not another damned anime ‘zine! Well no, actually, it’s a little more than that… While Red Leopard is essentially centered around anime, it’s by no means as anal as some of the other genre ‘zines around, it has a sense of humour and shoots off in all sorts of different directions (Rocky Horror Show, a piece on Pinky and the Brain and an A-Z of cult movies …although how they can have Police Academy and not Summer School in there is beyond me…). Chunky fun and 50p cheaper than Trash City…which is really funny when you think about it, because by the time you read this it’s too late as you’ve already bought TC!!! HA! The jokes on you!! YES, YOU!!
Interesting! OK, I’ve got to get it out of my system… Hmmm, this is Interesting! (Thank you, I needed that). Richard Sagall has sat down and written a ‘zine about the stuff he finds interesting, that’s about it really… I’ll give you an example shall I? (Yes Uncle Lino YES!!) “Restore crispness to soggy potato chips by wrapping them in a paper towel and zap them in your microwave for 30 seconds”. See, interesting! Question is…how the hell did his chips get soggy? It’s almost impossible to give you an opinion on this one as one mans interesting is another mans ZZzzzzzzzz, but for $3 it’s worth a shot and you can get a sample copy of the first issue for free to see if you like it!
How to Become a Successful Serial Killer More great work from Robin Bougie (artwork) and Arthur Slade (writer) this is a world away from HEARTBURNING [Is that a different world away or one going back in the same direction?] Basically a damned funny comic with loads of hints and tips for budding serial killers ranging from which tools to use (the Sword of Trauma or the Filing Cabinet of Pain?) to hints on how to avoid capture and some handy serial killer horoscopes (Capricorn…Today you feel very paranoid, just lock yourself in your house and order a pizza, don’t eat it of course…it could be poisoned!). Order this when you order the rest of Robins stuff…OR ELSE!
True Teen Crime Stories : Heartburning Only last issue I told you about Robin Bougie and his excellent Article 19 comic, now he has True Teen Crime, again excellent, a whole world away from most of the other stuff Robin does, very chilling (more so when you consider it’s based on a true story) I’ve just finished reading it and I’m so stunned by it that I can’t even think of anything stupid to say! Very highly recommended, as is all of Robins work…
Rabid If it’s not bloody Anime (I *do* hope I haven’t offended anyone there) it’s ARSING Fantaco. Rabid is a collection of short comic strips with a horror sci/fi theme and, hand on heart, the only one I can recommend is “The Feasting” the rest of the ‘zine is pretty worthless… Stick with Weird West Tales!
Weird West #1 OK, this is published by Fantaco (see last issue for my rambling hatred of them). That’s a bad mark… BUT, really the only bad mark I can give it. It’s a comic based around ancient Red Indian legends but throwing in all sorts of other references, werewolves etc. It’s set in 2093 (ish) after a large portion of the Southwest United States has been evacuated due to “earthquakes” I’m not going to go into any more details as it really would take me hours… I’ll put it this way, if you like the X-Files (Argghh another ‘zine that mentions the programme! Sorry Jim!) You’ll like Weird West. Two unrelated stories per issue, great art and spooky stories. Recommended.
Streetmeat #1 This is cracking stuff too… Gritty, well written, nice layout… Not much else to add really! Oh yeah, it’s got tits in it! (Please note I will be 30 this year!). And you can use the above for a quote in the next issue if you like guys! <grin>.
Sierra Heaven A new fiction ‘zine that tries very hard to impress…but when your first story is a rehash of an old Hammer House of Horror story you know you’re probably going to waste your time…In fact the best part of the whole thing is a short story section towards the back (just before another ZZzzzzzz-Files piece).
Michelle Mystique Michelle Bauer….ahhhhhh there’s lovely isn’t it……Full on tits out entertainment….. recommended.. WHEHEY!! [We apologise for the break in transmission. Normal service will be resumed, as soon as we can find a bucket of cold water to throw over the reviewer. Thank you.]
Invasion (of the sad, man-eating mushrooms) Except they’ve dropped the mushrooms… Hey…this is BIG…and it’s all lovely and it’s got colours and everything! And it’s only £3.50. Hmm, the thing with having two editors to a ‘zine is that the whole thing turns very schizo…the one editor not knowing what the other is doing… (Here at TC we have the opposite problem…half an editor knowing what he’s doing but not being tall enough to reach the pedals…) This issue has a 13 (count ’em 13!!) page article on Bruce Lee, one Jim McLennan singing the praises of Quentin Tarantino and a cracking article on cameos in movies (I love these because you can sit there picking holes in things: “He didn’t mention Bill Billson’s uncredited appearance in Willywarmers II”).
Things I didn’t quite like as much was the “What is a laserdisc” section…if I want to get bored rigid learning what THX means I’ll go out and buy What Hi-Fi thank you VERY much. Also running at 99 pages I think it’s a bit rich that their fanzine review of the last issue of TC says and I quote “The contents? A different ball game entirely, there’s enough worthwhile material to keep you entertained but its mostly a mixed bag and pretty much hit ‘n’ miss…(Lino says..Screw you buddy!!)…There’s just too much going on at once for anything to make a lasting impression”..(Lino says…Screw you buddy AGAIN!)…he then goes on to say “Not crap by any means…but slipping a little”. So…in closing…the new issue of Invasion is not crap by any means but slipping a little…EXCEPT for the fanzine setion which is bollocks. OK?
Hmm that gives me an idea…we’ve got WWF, WCW and Ultimate Fighting…how about a fanzine Ultimate Fighting competition? I reckon we could take ’em. COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH!!! [All beatings, knee-cappings, dismemberments and associated unpleasantess to Lino, please. I’m a coward]
Here…that BBC programme…with all those soap people in it…”BUGGERME” or something …God, isn’t that shit? And what’s the story with Shane Richie? He’s shit too… And as for that arsehole Anthea Turner…Do me a favour…
(I hear the Guardian are looking for a new TV reviewer…what do you think then?? Hmmmm?)
Eastern Heroes #5 I’m getting really tired of Hong Kong movies…(As someone keeps asking me..”Do you like horror more, or kung fu more.?” “Horror, mate!”)…that said you have to say that the latest issue of EH is packed full of information, reviews and articles (Including the first part of a “Teach yourself Cantonese” course!). While some people might accuse the magazine of being there only to sell EH’s own product there is no denying that everyone involved has a love for the genre. Me? Well…gimme some more cat III product and I’m happy…
Mansplat It’s newspaper sized…it’s FREE and anything that has “Bathroom litter-ature for men…but chicks can read it too!” on the front cover gets my vote. Funny funny funny…from it’s handy, home made vomit guide to it’s pisstake UFO article…Will they send free copies to the UK? I don’t ruddy know…find out for yourselves you lazy gits! #3 has the “1st Annual Barbarella Awards for loose standards and loose pants!”, Male bag (letters from men!), Ma’am-o-gram (letters from chicks) and a look at the 100 great moments in horror/sci-fi (No 69 <snigger> is Cocoon just in case you were wondering)… Hell this thing is free.. what are you waiting for!!!! NOW GO ON!! NOW DAMMIT!!!![Actually, it’s no longer free, but what the hell. Still worth it]
Brains on Toast Robin Bougie has a wife called Rebecca Dart…and the good news is she draws as well at Robin does!! Brains On Toast is a preview issue of a comic being published by Phoenix Press…and is basically a bizarre twist on the Alice in Wonderland story…it’s got some really bizarre, disturbing images in it…holy cow, I didn’t know Canadians could be quite so twisted!
Flesh and Blood Ahhhh…this is more like it, a beautifully put together horror ‘zine that has stuff in it you actually NEED to know…and it also boasts a picture of Marilyn Chambers so it’s a must have! (Talking of 70’s porn stars…did you see NYPD Blue last night? Damn my eyes if Vanessa del Rio wasn’t in it! And boy did she look goooooood!). Give the editor Harvey Fenton a break and buy this NOW!!! And just so I can have a quote in the next issue I’ll say “I’ve seen the future of fan publications and it’s name is FLESH AND BLOOD” [As in Steven King’s “I have seen the future of horror and it’s name is Clive Barker” — so, horror’s going to piss off to Hollywood, develop an American accent and start writing crappy fantasy novels, eh, Steve?] Damn that’s good!! #6: GREAT IT’S GOT AN ARSE ON THE FRONT!! Damn, I’m getting too old for this you know (insert aserbic comment by editor here no doubt [what, about how to spell “ascerbic”?]). I should really call this latest issue of FAB the Eurofest issue as most of the interviews contained (Joe D’Amato, Catriona MacColl etc) were conducted at the Eurofests…
The British Horror Filmography reaches 1981 and as usual you get a extensive review section. Add a Tinto Brass interview (TITS BUMS!!) and a look at Jezebel video and there you have it. Nicely put together and a bloody interesting read. My only complaint would be that they didn’t like Jezebel videos title “Au Pair Girls” — Harvey, sort it awwwwwwt, Au Pair Girls is without doubt one of the finest films ever made. And the theme song?!! A-bloody-mazing: “They come from here, they come from there, no matter where they may come from…they’re always welcome everywhere… Au pair…” GREAT STUFF! E-mail me now for a full song sheet…in fact I think I’ll have to dig a microphone out and make a .wav of it! Available soon!!
Right, that’s about it for another issue. If I had a dream, it would be that all Anime ‘zines would join forces and bring out one big issue…that way I wouldn’t have to spend my entire life trawling through pages and pages of the same stuff… Oh, sorry, thinking aloud there… Right, this won’t be out till after the Eurofest on the 1st June with Jean Rollin…so if you were there you would have seen me and bought me a drink (I would have arrived late as my gitty brother decided to get married on the same day…swine!) And hopefully this issue will be out before the Rudy Ray Moore festival in August. It will won’t it Jim? Eh? So, I’ll see you there and you can buy me another drink!!
Let me think…who shall I thank? Well, because they’ll probably be reading this and I’ll be in all sorts of trouble if I don’t, I’d like to say hello to Jaime. There are quite a few other things I’d like to say to her…but I’ll leave that to another time!! Also, hello to the mad woman in Camden who causes three normally sane humans to throw themselves behind doors, under counters etc. whenever she show up… (Sample of one of the conversations I’ve had the misfortune to have with her: “Hello.<pointing to a pack of Camel cigarettes on the counter>Can I have a dromedary?”; at this stage I was unaware of her exact mental state. She then asked “Have you seen Paul?”, “Paul?” I replied, “No, sorry I haven’t.” This is where it started getting a bit bizarre. she said “No, no-one’s seen him. He’s special forces you see. He used to be a singer. I saw him in a church then it blew up and he was in a cafe in 1940’s Germany.” Being the intelligent sort, I knew then that she was barking, so I suddenly remembered something very important I had to do, and started ignoring her. I later found out it was the same woman who had walked into the shop and asked if we sold knickers, then stood in the doorway for five minutes shouting at the top of her voice for someone to, and I quote “FUCK ME”. Yes, madness is a wonderful thing. I embrace it, in fact, I’ve been eating beef non stop in the vain hope of catching BSE. Fingers crossed, eh! Right…
Well this is just typical isn’t it? I get all the reviews done and Jim decides to land some more ‘zines on my desk at the last possible minute (The previous statement is there only to gain me sympathy…truth be told..I found the following fanzines in my bag and decided that I’d better review them). So, once more crushed by the fascist boot that is the editor, I am pleased to announce. MORE ZINE REVIEWS (aka Son of the Zine Reviews…aka The Anime Free Zine Review section…aka Zines: The Reviews)
Vex #1 Did you see OJ on Richard and Judy the other night? Sweet, wasn’t he? Anyway, do I care if he did it or not? Well if he did, he’s been acquitted and has gotten away with it. If he didn’t? Well, he’s free now… VEX looks at the films of OJ Simpson with a filmography and listing of his movie deaths (It also has a GREAT picture of OJ in full Rambo mode complete with a knife in each hand!!) Other stuff included in the first issue are: fav fat actors (Highly offensive if you ask ME!) and a look back at the life and movies of everyone’s favourite murdered director Al Adamson. VEX, if it keeps being as entertaining as the first issue will, be a ‘zine to watch out for!!
Headpress 11 Offers no real surprises but that’s not a bad thing. As usual, Headpress is packed with extensive reviews and articles. My favourite has to be Simon Whitechapel’s look at the darker side of the Bible (Yes, I’m a Catholic…how COULD you tell!).. Also worth mentioning is Andrew Darlington’s article which covers celebrity junkies (Just say NO!). Recommended.
Video Junkie 1 It’s new, it’s American and it’s got a picture of Godzilla on the front.. (What? read it? Hmm ok, I will…) This is actually quite good you know! As well as being available in print form VJ also have a web site (http://www.isle.net/~vidjunki/index.html) although as yet I haven’t had a chance to check it out. The first issue covers all sorts of bases from the most recent Godzilla movies (get a clue…it’s a puppet!! <grin>) to a great article covering Hammer Studios output in the 70’s. Also included is a look at the directors cut of “Hard Target” and a whole bucket load of video reviews. And the best part? No bloody mention of Jim!!! Look up the address at the end of this ramble and order yourselves a copy!
This draws to a close our fanzine review for this year. [I trust that’s not sarcasm, Lino] I do hope you all enjoyed it… I’d like to say thank you…to no one really because I’m a selfish bastard!!! And if any anime fans that I might have offended would like to drop me a line, you can… Any complaints (just you try!) can be e-mailed to me on the following: lino@lino.demon.co.uk lino@atlas.co.uk lino@mail.on-line.co.uk (yes, 3 different addresses, don’t ask me why!) You can also send offers of work, and interesting JPG’s to the same addresses… So until next time, remember, don’t be offended by any negative reviews, you have to understand I don’t actually read any ‘zines, the reviews are based solely on my moods at the time!! (Now is that a joke?) Second thoughts, be offended…be very offended!! (heh!)
Ohhh before I go just a little hello to JB… you know who you are and look!! You are now officially famous… well… not REALLY famous… not like me… but you know what I mean! Great!! And it’s only taken me 6 months! Till next time… byebye…
Right, aren’t we glad that’s over. The hot news is that Harvey Fenton has asked Lino to also do the ‘Zine reviews for ‘Flesh and Blood’. Ah, where TC leads, others follow… This means two things; a) Lino will be writing reviews reviewing his own reviews, and b) Flesh and Blood will rapidly slip to a 18-month schedule. Are you sure about this, Harvey?
Robin Bougie is now doing a ‘Mind’s Eye Presents…’ series, which showcases a wide range of talents from humourous to the deeply gross. Look — why don’t you just send the guy some money (probably in US$) and you’ll be kept amused for life! Much the same goes to the guys at ‘Mansplot’, who’ve now got Joe Bob Briggs aboard. A marriage made in heaven if ever there was one! On the electronic front, check out Survival Kit e-zine – they cover a lot of weird at heart stuff, and are good tor several hours phone bill, purely for a list of links to other places, even disregarding their review section. Hopefully the TC web site will look as nice!
Back in the land of the printed, there’s Delirium 4, with a comprehensive look at 1981 Italian trash cinema (er, it looks comprehensive to my ignorant eye!) and interviews with directors Cozzi, Soavi, Margheriti and D’Amato as well as (inevitably!) David Warbeck, and some truly eye-popping colour stills from ‘Cannibal Ferox’. Hooray! Looks like ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ is still alive, with #13 apparently on the way (maybe out by now — they talk of a ‘spring release’, but it’s unclear whether they mean 1996 ot 1997! I can sympathise…), and they’re already planning number 14. Tim Greaves is also looking ahead — while both mags reviewed by Lino are now out of print, there should soon be his Lisa Romay file which will be good as ever!
Finally, was sent a very odd CD ‘Thing and Nothing’ by Tasm Lab It’s sort of an opera, for want of a better word, about a future world where the hero buys a simulated woman and tries to rescue her from her creator. It’s not exactly easy listening, but is worth the effort; always intriguing and challenging. Imagine a musical version of ‘Brazil’ perhaps.
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