Let’s start off with a complaint. Easter Monday, BBC2 2235, “Repo Man”. “A special version”, said the announcer. “Footage never before seen in Britain”. That wasn’t the only thing special about it – with all the finesse of a rhinoceros, the powers that be overdubbed it, to replace all the naughty F-words with “flip” or “screw”. The results were at best unpleasant and at worst unintelligible. Example (and I’m about to use THAT word, in case you’re of a nervous disposition) : “I know lots of guys who like to watch their buddies fuck” mutated to “I know lots of guys who like to watch their buddies play”; scarcely the same thing!

This annoys me for several reasons. At Xmas, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” was shown, without such treatment. What makes it OK for Jack Nicholson to say, but wrong for Harry Dean Stanton? Two, why is only ‘that word’ dubbed? “Repo Man” also had (more naughty words!) “pussy”, “cocksucker” and “wanker” – I can’t see anyone who is immune to these being offended by “fuck”. If they can’t show films as intended by the director, they shouldn’t buy them at all.

Still, I had to smile when they finally had to allow one to slip through. Let’s face it, “motherflipper” would just have sounded plain dumb…

Going back to January, the TV year started off promisingly enough. First week after New Year, Grampian TV region (I was on holiday!) showed the mini-series of “V”, which I’d missed seeing when it was first on, in the summer of 1980 (because my sister wanted to watch the Olympics, boo!). It was surprisingly good, better FX than I expected and reasonable acting (especially from Freddie Krueger, sorry Robert Englund). Pity they spoiled it with a crass last episode. The other highlight was “The Dark Angel”, a BBC adaption of a novel by J. Sheridan Le Fanu (best known for “Carmilla”, which was adapted three times, with varying degrees of accuracy and success, by Hammer as “The Vampire Lovers”, “Lust for a Vampire” and “Twins of Evil”). It was the sort of period drama the Beeb excels at, and the direction was excellent, especially in the first episode, which included a superb dream sequence combining incest, sadism and necrophilia in about 45 seconds. The best thing I’ve seen on TV for a while.

Otherwise, between Xmas and Easter was the pits – I can’t ever remember watching as little television. Things have perked up recently, with the American series of “Max Headroom” finally getting on – it’s based on the pilot show rather than the mix of pop videos/computer heads we got. “Trick or Treat” has provided me with many happy half-hours of amusement, trying hard to believe it really is a subtle joke and not as incredibly bad as it appears, and “Out of Order”, ITV’s new consumer show, is also worth watching, if only for Brian Hayes. He’s the host of a phone-in on LBC, which is superb to listen to, thanks to his habit of shutting up callers with “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You’re talking a load of rubbish” – his style is scarcely less abrasive on TV.

The films have improved too. I was especially delighted to see “Excalibur” – I’d bought a copy of it in HMV’s sale, but it was faulty. I went to get a new one and they refused to do so because it was now a higher price! I took a cash refund – two days later, I see it’s on Channel 4. Hahaha!!

Easter wasn’t bad either, with the aforementioned “Repo Man”, though there’s no prizes for guessing the highlight. “Tess”, of course – long unavailable on video, finally the BBC get round to showing it again. Superbly acted, Polanski at his best, NK in her prime, I can’t really fault this film in any way.

As I write (April 5th), things are looking good; they are showing Paul Schrader films (“Cat People”? Nah, surely not…) and Channel 4 are doing a SF series. All this and Annabel Croft on “Treasure Hunt” – the video shop might not be as busy…

Gwendoline (Just Jaeckin)

Tawny Kitaen, Brent Huff

Gwendoline (Tawny Kitaen) is a luscious, pouting virgin (!), the heroine in a French comic strip with the imaginative title of “The Adventures of Gwendoline”. She inhabits a world where heroes parry bad guys with witty one-liners, heroines have extreme difficulty keeping their clothing for more than a few rapid scene changes, and where anything can (and if it’s silly enough, probably will) happen.

We first meet her stowed away in a crate full of straw on the docks of Shanghai or some similar exotic set, er, location. Inside two minutes, she has been accosted by oriental villains (with dodgy sneers and even dodgier accents), sold for 300 of whatever-the-local-currency-is (plus 50 for the shoe) and rescued by the designer-stubble clad hero who manages to dispatch everyone present in true comic-book style. Pausing only to adjust his cool (this guy shits ice-cubes), he departs, leaving Gwendoline soggier than the Weetabix you didn’t finish yesterday.

What really makes this film ‘work’ is the style and pace of the direction. One of those rare films where a largish budget was probably involved, yet without obvious result, the action hardly lets up. Any attempt at character development, acting or the building of tension would have slowed things down, and are thankfully avoided. Our hero, Willard (Brent Huff), Gwendoline and her friend/chaperone are put in jail. Why? So Willard can pull the guard’s head through the bars leaving his ears behind…

Gwendoline is trying to find her father, a butterfly collector, who has strayed into the depths of the country’s interior, where tropical rain forests, deserts, volcanoes and swamps co-exist, blithely oblivious to the laws of nature, and within handy walking distance of Shanghai. Pretty obviously, Willard has no choice but to guide the girls past oriental pirates and rubber crocodiles & boa constrictors, pausing only to deliver one-liners like “Quick, get your clothes off!”.

Captured by a tribe called the Cheops(!!) before Willard can come up with a smart remark, they are tied and left on the floor of a bamboo cell overnight to await certain death. Q: How do you make love while tied up? A: With a straw. This scene has to be seen (and heard) to be believed – Just Jaeckin was also responsible for directing “Emmanuelle”, and such a scene is his meat and drink. Amazingly enough, they escape certain death (yes, really!) only to be captured by a race of scantily clad 18 year-old girls…

At this point, some of you may be doubting this is a real film, and is instead merely the product of a deranged imagination. Let me assure you that it IS a real film and that this article is a true and fair account of what goes on in it, difficult though it may be to believe.

You might wonder how a race of pretty young things in rubber and foam spiked shoulder pads, bra, g-string and thigh length boots would survive undetected and without men, in the middle of a desert. Well, this film makes absolutely NO attempt to explain. Mind you, with all that pert female flesh bobbling around, this problem doesn’t bother the average trash film fan for long.

Somehow, in all the running around in white caves full of shiny machinery doing nothing in particular with lots of steam (Metropolis with the woman’s touch?), our hero and heroine disguise themselves as guards (Just how does Willard wear a woman’s g-string and why do the guards in these films NEVER recognise each other?). Pretty soon we have met the token mad scientist, enjoyed a Ben Hur style chariot race where the chariots are pulled by women, and laughed at more silly dialogue like “The Queen’s will is the will of the Queen” and “Let’s find the door and get out of here!”.

But true to form, Willard must make love to the victor of a fight to the death between the Queen’s best warriors, before dying horribly. I won’t spoil the climax, but just tell you he only does one of these…

Coming on like a soft-porn version of either “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” or “Jane & the Lost City”, this film is guaranteed to infuriate any feminist who sees it. I can give it no higher praise than that, and finish with some more of the wonderfully cheesy dialogue :

Gwendoline: I’m scared, Beth. How do you make love to a man?
Beth: It’s much easier to make love than fight four warriors with your hands tied behind your back…

Tawny Kitaen, star of this film, has become something of a celebrity since. She starred in “Witchboard” and (my Heavy Metal correspondent tells me) she appeared in a few of Whitesnake’s recent videos. I believe she’s also married to David Coverdale, their lead singer.

Return of the Barbarian Women (Richard Billi*)

Nick Jordan, Mark Hannibal, Lyn Moody and Genie Woods

* or Al Bradley, depending whether you believe the video box or the film credits

“Even more action, adventure than in the original – the Barbarian women return in the sequel to the smash hit “Barbarian Women”. The Amazonian women are on the trail of a strange god with superhuman powers who uses them in a valley captured by the Barbarian Women. With a superhuman adversary with brilliant Kung Fu abilities – the rampant Barbarian Women fight harder, hacking and slashing more aggresively than ever before. In spectacular scenery with superb photography, the Barbarian Women are tougher and faster than ever before…hell has no fury like The Return of the Barbarian Women.”
—– Video box blurb.

I’ve never been a fan of Italian films – many of their modern horror pics seem to me to be vastly over-rated, dull remakes of other countries hits. However, occasionally even they can turn out a classic, although not one that will win any Oscars, unless they start giving them out for WORST actor, WORST special effects and WORST film. “Return of the Barbarian Women” would be guaranteed to sweep the boards at such an event, being a superb example of a really appallingly bad film.

The Italians have always been great ones for using pseudonyms, presumably so that if the film dies a death, they can deny all association with it. It is therefore interesting to note that, as far as I am aware, none of the people credited with making this film have produced anything else, before or since. Either they all decided to change their names when they saw what a turkey they had produced, or they really were all complete amateurs – both explanations are extremely plausible.

Of course, they are not ENTIRELY to blame. Every bad movie has a moment in it when something happens which snuffs out the last, flickering hope of a decent film, and in RotBW, it is provided not by the plot, but by the video company. The particular scene in question has two characters chatting with a camp fire between them – unfortunately, the cutting from cinema screen shape to TV shape has been brutal and manages to leave both characters out of the shot, with the exception of the odd hand gesture. The result is definitely a classic of the genre.

Now, to the film itself. The video blurb quoted above is almost entirely misleading, but given the truth is probably preferable. Pausing only to take a deep breath, here we go. Bear with me…

It starts with the Barbarian Women (hereinafter referred to as the BW, though oddly enough, in the film they’re always referred to as “the Amazons”) engaged in their version of the Olympics ; climbing poles and shooting arrows at each other, single combat on ground studded with metal spikes, fighting with spike gauntlets, the usual sort of thing. Their Queen then tells them they will go and force Dharma to reveal the secret of his sacred flame.

After this admirably confusing opening, we meet a couple of the other characters. Moog is a coloured gentleman we first see dealing with some trouble-makers who annoy him while he’s eating, first by hitting them, then, when this fails to discourage them, by belching and literally blowing them away. Chang is an oriental bloke, who rides on a buffalo – we also meet him just before an encounter with some nasty people. Bandits, in his case, and he disposes of them with a mix of Kung Fu and swordplay, although not before meeting his love interest (also Oriental, no “Angel Heart” here!), accompanied by some sickly violins.

The scene switches to a village; the BW ride in, round up the inhabitants and demand a tax from them. We find out Dharma has been protecting this village for 400 years – he appears in a flash of pyrotechnics and tells the BW to leave. They chase him and he runs away (strange behaviour for an immortal) before vanishing in another flash of pyrotechnics.

Dharma appears in the village, and receives tributes, which he accepts ungraciously (“Where are my favourite hot peppers? Don’t say you’ve forgotten them again!!”). Now, Dharma’s secret is revealed – he is just the latest in a long line of con-men who pretend to be immortal and have been swindling the villagers for centuries and he is now training his successor. This youth goes hunting and helps a BW who is injured when she gets thrown off her horse, clearly frightened by the sickly violin music that wells up.

The BW attack again and this time Dharma is turned into a novelty pin-cushion – before he dies, he tells his successor to go meet Moog & Chang (who are seeking ‘immortality’ through Dharma’s ‘sacred flame’), and revenge him. Thus perishes the only half-decent actor in the picture.

Dharma, Chang and Moog meet up in the market place – Moog also meets his sickly violin music, sorry girl, and the three return to Dharma’s hideout. Moog & Chang try and become immortal by passing through the ‘sacred flame’, but only get burned (“Aieee!” “What did you say?” “I said ‘Aieee!’ – that means ‘Ouch!’ in dialect”). Dharma tells them they must perform a noble deed first – in their case, fighting the BW, who are busy pillaging the village, carrying off 100 sackes of grain and the best of the young men.

They try to recruit the rest of the villagers’ help, but with no luck, and are forced to try and rescue the prisoners themselves. This they do (being flung into the BW camp on catapults!), which leaves the BW feeling a bit miffed. Fortunately, some bounty hunters offer to tell the BW how to get into Dharma’s refuge. They capture him, but Moog & Chang capture the bounty-hunters and find out how to enter the BW’s camp. They rescue Dharma, and escape by PARACHUTING out.

The villagers have now decided to fight back and are prepared, just like in “The Magnificent Seven”. The BW attack, but are repulsed with a mix of home-made hand- grenades and TANKS (complete with flamethrowers!). Dharma defeats the BW Queen in single combat and returns to his hideout, leaving Moog & Chang to ride off into the sunset still mortal, and probably no wiser!

As you’ll have guessed from this, it is a violent film, but only in the way “Tom and Jerry” is – there is almost no blood. Fight & chase sequences, which together occupy a very impressive 36 minutes out of the 94 the whole film lasts, are accompanied by sound effects, mostly of gongs being hit. The actors leap through the air, turning somersaults as they go, an effect spoiled somewhat when you realise that they are only ever seen in mid air, going straight up or coming straight down. I searched for a ‘Trampolines by’ credit, but couldn’t find one.

Acting is non-existent, dubbing is so bad you wonder if the dialogue comes from an entirely different film, and the direction is not exactly up to Polanski level. In fact, it’s difficult to say whose level it IS up to. The music is indescribably cliched – the song at the end must be about the worst I’ve ever heard in a movie. Not to say this film doesn’t have it’s good points – it is extremely entertaining and undemandingly enjoyable. However, this is no bar at all to it being, without a doubt, the worst film I have ever seen. Mere words seem totally insufficient to even begin to describe just how monumentally atrocious it is.

One thing still bothers me – both the title and the video blurb imply that this is a sequel. Despite much searching, I’ve not been able to trace the original, “The Barbarian Women – mind you, I’m not sure I really want to!

You’ll be lucky if you can get a copy of RotBW – my copy came out of a Tottenham Court Road shop when they didn’t have a tape of “Q – the Winged Serpent” to replace my faulty one. I think the recommended retail price was 3.99.

Brief info on a few of the films seen since the last issue. Contributions for this section are especially welcome.

Ai No Corrida (Nagisa Oshima) – Japanese version of “9 1/2 Weeks”, which has a very large and pretty explicit sex content. The storyline is tenuous, to say the least, and the film is just plain DULL, not helped by some truly bad Japanese music.

Barbarian Queen (Hector Olivera) – Lana Carlsson and her team of women in leather armour in a tale of rape, revenge and rescue (sorta “I Spit on Your Broadsword”). Never taxing on the brain, a nice addition to the ‘Barbarian Bimbo’ genre.

The Beast (Walerian Borowczyk) – EXTREMELY dodgy film. Plot totally indescribable and probably irrelevant. Judging by this, the director is in severe need of therapy. ‘Nekromantik’ for animal lovers, if you get my drift.

Blood for Dr. Jeckyll (Walerian Borowczyk) – Relatively mild Borowczyk film (it got a certificate!) retelling the classic tale. Atmospheric and reminiscent of ‘Nosferatu’, with Udo Kier as an excellent Hyde. Recommended.

Blood for Dracula (Paul Morrisey) – Andy Warhol production. The Count is seeking ‘wirgins’. but the local handyman is de-virginizing them all; poor CD must lick the blood thereby spilled off the floor. The finish is arterial and pure Grand Guignol! Brain Damage (Frank Henenlotter) – Far more effective than ‘Just Say No’ as an anti-drugs message, this is low budget horror at it’s best, with the ultimate bad trip. However, the ending is a bit weak and too sudden.

The Brood (David Cronenberg) – Early body-horror from the master. Odd tale about a woman whose anger takes physical form – mutant dwarves who kill everyone who annoys her. Bit too obscure for it’s own good, although thought-provoking.

Clan of the Cave Bear (Matthew Chapman) – “One Million Years B.C.” with Darryl Hannah doing the Raquel Welch bit, without the fur bikinis. Too serious by half. In Neanderthal with subtitles; unlike Racquel, Darryl does her own grunts.

Common Law Cabin (Russ Meyer) – Mr. Meyer has a breast fixation to rival Benny Hill. His films are normally excuses for him to indulge it, but are usually entertaining – this one, though, is little more than average.

Cop (James Harriss) – James Woods as a policeman seeking a psycho killer. Nothing new or original in the plot (I feel asleep, missed 30 min and didn’t lose track). The ending, however, is sharp and very effective.

Crimes of Passion (Ken Russell) – Uneven brilliance. Some of the time it’s soap opera, but when Kathleen Turner or Antony Perkins are on the screen it’s electric stuff. Perkins joins Dennis Hopper and Rutger Hauer in the Psycho hall of fame.

Dead Ringers (David Cronenberg) – Understated film compared to DC’s past efforts. Weird, but an excellent performance from Jeremy Irons as BOTH twins. Not sure exactly what it’s about – it’s impressive anyway!

The Dead Zone (David Cronenberg) – For me, one of Cronenberg’s weaker films to date, not least because it’s from a Stephen King (spit!) book. Has some good moments, Christopher Walken is good, and DC’s talent shines through.

Death Line (Gary Sherman) – Dire British 70’s horror, the sort of thing that killed the genre. Taut where it should be cool, relaxed where it should be tense. Some people (Stefan Jaworzyn, Shock Xpress) like it. Damned if I know why.

Die Hard (John McTiernan) – Bruce Willis fighting tower-block terrorists in his bare feet. A violent film, perhaps a bit too flippant now & again, but it is extremely gripping stuff and seems a lot shorter than 130 mins.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (Russ Meyer) – More Mayer mayhem, starring Tura Satana as the leader of a gang (well, three) thrill-mad hellcats who kidnap a girl after killing her guy. Nice start & end, middle dull.

Flesh for Frankenstein (Paul Morrisey) – One on the ‘video nasties’ list thanks to it’s gore (viscera spilling out, an unrealistic decapitation) supplied by Carlo (E.T.) Rimbaldi. Silly version, great fun for the most part.

The Fly (David Cronenberg) – A slaughterhouse love story, body horror at it’s most extreme. A lesser director would be overpowered by the FX, while Cronenberg remains their master. The man is a genius. Sick, but a genius.

Fright Night (Tom Holland) – Mildly entertaining reworking of the vampire movie, mostly thanks to Roddy McDowell hamming it up for all he’s worth as a TV vampire hunter.Otherwise normal American-teen-in-peril fare.

Graveyard Shift (Gerard Ciccoritti) – ANOTHER modern vampire story, this one is worse than most. A bit of dull sex, some designer violence and they think they’ve got a movie. Try getting a plot as well, next time.

Heart of Midnight (Matthew Chapman) – A little less attention to style and a little more to content would have helped this strange tale of a haunted whore-house inherited by Jennifer Jason Leigh. Some nice sequences and JJL is pretty as ever.

Metamorphosis (Kenneth Hall) – Endearingly tacky, micro-budget cross between “The Fly” and “Countess Dracula”. Gratuitous nudity (Bobbie Bresee), fair FX and acting ranging from the good (Donna Shock) to the hilarious. Gets better as it goes on.

Motel Hell (Kevin Connor) – Strangely inconsistent film about a motel where the guests end up in sausages. Parts are brilliant black humour, other parts are comparatively slack. Horror for vegetarians?

Personal Services (Terry Jones) – Tho’ I’m no fan of Julie Walters, she is excellent as the prim & proper Madam, even if she’s more 60’s than 80’s. Parts are supremely funny and under it all are sly comments on s*x and modern society.

Rabid (David Cronenberg) – DC’s version of “Night of the Living Dead”, and a far better film than the original. Gradual expansion of the area infected is matched by the increase in the horror. Excellent.

Return of the Living Dead Part II (Ken Wiederhorn) – Not as good as the originals but not as bad as the reviews. Characters too clean and all-American, but some nice effects. Survivable and worth a look.

Robocop (Paul Verhoeven) – By now EVERYONE must have seen this one. Violent, black comedy, satirizing privatisation & big business. Similar style to Verhoeven’s other film, “Flesh and Blood”, but with explosions and no sex.

The Running Man (Paul-Michael Glaser) – [Yes, him from “Starsky and Hutch”!] Schwarzenegger’s best film to date, less mindless shooting, more acting. Criticizes ‘violence as entertainment’ – isn’t this a bit dodgy, coming from Arnie?

Salon Kitty (Tinto Brass) – Paris, 1942. The SS open a brothel to find out which officers are traitors. Somewhere beneath the sub-“‘Allo, ‘Allo” acting and atrocious dubbing is a good film. It’s buried pretty deep.

Scandal (Michael Caton-Jones) – Keeler & Profumo, 1989 style. Good, solid acting, especially John Hurt, though not much attempt is made to explain the motives of the characters. Still, a worthy film and it resists any temptation to glamourise.

Scanners (David Cronenberg) – Less gory than most people think, with just one exploding head at the start and a gruesome climax. Script not quite up to the usual DC standard, still a lot better than the usual ESP film.

Slaves (Russ Meyer) – Seriously trashy tale of plantations, slaves in revolt and Anoushka Hempel as a Grade A dominatrix who comes out with lines like “No white man gets whipped on my plantation unless I do it”! Classic of blaxploitation.

Teenage Doll (Roger Corman) – 1950’s juvenile delinquent picture about a girl who kills a rival in love and has to run from her victim’s gang and the police. Dialogue dated now, acting surprisingly good. Highly watchable.

Terminator – (James Cameron) More Schwarzenegger killing. Interesting idea of altering the present by changing the past, but the film changes pace suddenly too often to work. Grandstand climax, an impressive final 15 minutes.

Trancers (Charles Band) – Cheap B-movie, a cross between “Terminator” (time travel) and “Blade Runner” (Harrison Ford character). Fails to be either, though it is completely acceptable despite this.

Untamed Youth (Howard Koch) – More 50’s trash, with NO pleasant shocks in the acting department! Dire tale of cotton-picking prisoners, complete with appaling songs and rotten acting. Into the “so bad it’s good” category.

Warrior Queen (Chuck Vincent) – Strange film, just 70 mins long (heavily cut?) with minimal dialogue, Sybil Danning not doing as much warring as the title suggests and the destruction of Pompeii footage clearly from about three other movies. Odd.

Videodrome (David Cronenberg) – Excellent film, simultaneously thought- provoking, horrific and exciting. See it at the cinema if you can, the video’s cut heavily. Wonderful. Death to Videodrome!!

Virgin (Catherine Breillat) – Subtitled film, quite reminiscent of “Wish You Were Here”. A typically French film, it deals impressively with the subject matter (an affair between a man and a young girl), treading the smut/twee tightrope very well.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Roger Zemeckis) – Technically brilliant film, suffers a little from over-hype; you expect it to be the best movie ever and are disappointed when it’s only very good.

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At some point, possibly Issue 3, we’ll be doing a ‘list special’ – eight or nine pages probably of Top or Bottom 10’s/20’s/50’s/100’s. Any topic will be welcome, especially anything to do with films!

Between now and next time, I’m going to investigate the cost of getting printed professionally. Ihope the quotes I get are noticeably cheaper than the Aldershot firm who quoted me 1.67 per copy, without folding, stapling or delivery…

To give me something to compare these against, I’d be quite interested to hear how much you think TC’s worth, or how much you’d be willing to pay for it. I stress this DOESN’T mean we will be going “glossy”, but if it can be done without a massive hike in price, it’s worth a thought.

“The I was a Teenage Juvenile Delinquent Rock ‘N’ Roll Horror Beach Party Movie Book” – Alan Betrock. Plexus. 6.95.

A title that just fits on the spine, and about 150 pages of nostalgia on the subject of the teenage exploitation film, from 1954 to 1969 including gems like “Beach Blanket Bingo”, “Diary of a High School Bride”, “Girls on the Beach”, “The Hallucination Generation”, “Kitten with a Whip”, “No Time to be Young” and “Teenagers from Outer Space”, to name just a few of the 300 or so films catalogued in this book.

They are grouped into eras, with a few pages of text beforehand discussing the general trends, social climate, etc of the period, with about ten lines ( plus the credits ) describing each film , and normally a still or piece of publicity material to illustrate it.

Therein lies the problem. Most of these movies have similar plots, which means that reading 300 descriptions of more or less the same film is pretty wearing after a while. Alan Betrock tries to pep them up with bits of dialogue and other trivia, such as pointing out early appearances of future stars ; Jack Nicholson, Robert Vaughan (in “Teenage Caveman”) and Dennis Hopper, but it’s not an easy task, and he can hardly be blamed if some of them are not exactly riveting. The short passages introducing each section are easily the most interesting parts.

The strong point of this book is the artwork, which is a joy to behold, even in black in white. Even nowadays, it still makes you want to see the films, and makes current movie publicity look very tame by comparison [Having seen a few of the films mentioned, I can state that sometimes the poster is easily the best thing!]. The reproduction quality is generally good, helped by the choice of illustrations which look as impressive in black and white as they did in colour.

Overall, a useful reference book, especially for harassed editors looking for cheap illustrations, just a shame that the text isn’t quite as wonderful as the pictures.

“Lost, Lonely & Vicious” – Michael Barson. Fourth Estate. 5.95.

This book takes the idea of the one above to it’s logical conclusion, and almost dispenses entirely with the text. It is a collection of ‘postcards from the great trash films’, 30 in all, which works out at a reasonable 20 pence each. They are larger than normal cards, which makes them perfect for expressing sentiments too long to fit onto a normal postcard, though not long enough to justify a letter – given the nature of the pictures on them they’re not perhaps totally suitable for maiden aunts. They portray sex and violence (or at least, sex and violence 50’s style, which isn’t really all that sexy or violent) in full, glowing COLOUR (for those of you reading in black and white, the previous word was in virulent, fluorescent yellow) and this book really has all the good points of ‘I was a…’ with none of the disadvantages, except perhaps for the harassed editor who will find that colour doesn’t photocopy as well! Buy it, and make your postie smile.

“Cabal” – Clive Barker. Fontana. 2.95

Mr Barker is a busy man. Having got “Hellbound” past the BBFC with far less cuts than was once feared (either 2, 3 or 6 mins depending on who you talk to), he’s now busy filming this book, ‘with David Cronenberg as the villain, Marc Almond as a hermaphrodite and Suzie Quatro as someone who gets killed’. He then moves on to work on, but alas not direct, “Hell on Earth – Hellraiser III”. Then there’s the film of “Son of Celluloid”, ‘about a cancer that does John Wayne impressions, rather than John Wayne, who ended up doing cancer impressions’.All this and a new paperback too.

It’s a comparatively slim affair at only 270 odd pages. The ‘hero’ is a madman, convinced by his doctor that he is responsible for some especially nasty murders. He goes on the run seeking Midian, a sanctuary he has heard of from other insane people, and reaches it, but is gunned down by the police. However, his body vanishes from the morgue, and his girlfriend starts searching for it. She discovers he is now one of the Nightbreed, a strange race of creatures who dwell in the dark beneath a Canadian cemetery.

Writing about this book under “Trash Literature” isn’t really accurate as trash it certainly isn’t. Clive Barker is the most consistently acclaimed horror author on the scene in Britain today – his only main contender, James Herbert, has turned to ghost stories which fail to horrify, though they are still entertaining. This book is good, even if it doesn’t quite reach the heights of ‘The Damnation Game’ or ‘Weaveworld’ – it suffers a bit from first-part-itis, being the start of a trilogy, and thus doesn’t have a nicely rounded ending (the same sort of feeling you get at the end of ‘Friday the 13th Part I/II/III/IV…’ when they set up the sequel).No matter. Despite being only an occasional reader of horror, this still entertained me, and I’m looking forward to the second and third parts, not to mention the film!

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USEFUL ADDRESS TIME – from “Video World”, March 89.

“I need to convert some videos I bought abroad to our PAL system. Can you suggest anyone who might do this and not charge an arm and a leg?”

“No problem. I’d point you in the direction of a company called LTV of Unit 4, Portland Industrial Estate, Portland Depot, Kingsway, LU4 8HA.”

THE event of the year, as far as exploitation films go, is the annual festival of depravity, “Shock Around The Clock”, held at the Scala towards the end of July. However, being annual, twelve months go by between one and the next, which is a long time to survive without seeing films such as “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”, “Nekromantik”, etc so it was good to find out about ‘Black Sunday’, the Northern equivalent, which took place in the Mayfair Cinema, Manchester on the last Sunday in January. I made the long trek up there – this is the report

While the South has one very interesting place (London) and lots of dull ones (i.e. Farnborough), the North has a few fairly exciting towns, and nowhere that stands out and says ‘Visit me!’. Never been to Manchester before. Looks like Leeds. Or Sheffield. Grey. Industrial. Tho’ at 7 pm on an overcast evening, anywhere would look grey and industrial. I arrived early. Didn’t know where the Mayfair Cinema was – the tickets did have directions on them, but they were brief. I needn’t have worried – after an endless bus-ride through housing estate after housing estate, the bus stopped about fifty yards from it. So there I was, four hours to kill in a suburb of Manchester. I did what anyone else would have done and headed for the nearest pub.

The ‘locals’ must have wondered what had hit them, as a bunch of low-lifes and assorted reprobates wearing unpleasant t-shirts and reading equally unpleasant publications descended on them. It was generally quite easy to spot the gore-hounds – they didn’t have whippets or flat caps… The rest of the evening passed smoothly, discussing great (and not-so-great) films, aided by the consumption of Tetley’s Bitter (complete with unidentifiable lumps). Addresses were swapped, fanzines bought/sold and the evening’s delights eagerly anticipated. However, a rumour began to spread that the most discussed film, ‘Bad Taste’, had been seized by the customs at Manchester Airport…

Eventually, we drifted down to the Mayfair, stood outside for a while wondering when we were going to get in unti we finally were. Bought our programs and found out ‘Bad Taste’ was indeed on the list of films to be seized – having seen stills from it, I can tell you it is RIDICULOUSLY splattery, but is entirely tongue-in-cheek and ‘ridiculous’ is a pretty good word for the film as a whole [see later].

Finally, after a brief word or two from the organisers, we were off…

OUT OF THE DARK – Michael Schroeder. A sleazy slasher movie about a phone sex agency whose employees are being murdered by a clown masked maniac. The police suspect a photographer who does work for the agency, so he sets out to prove them wrong by finding the real killer.

“Yawn! It’s all been done before. Nothing new or original in this dull psycho film. Of course, all the girls who work for the agency are young and pretty. Sex and violence with no imagination. (3/10)”

PAPERHOUSE – Bernard Rose. Anna is ten and suffering from glandular fever, which is causing her to have hallucinations. She finds she can control these through a sketch she is drawing – then she finds the picture taking on a life of it’s own.

“See Trash City 0. Though this wasn’t a new film, I still enjoyed it a lot – if anything it’s improved on a second viewing. (7)”

LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM – Ken Russell. A prehistoric skull is unearthed in the Derbyshire countryside and sets in motion a horrific chain of events as it is stolen by the local lady of the manor who is also the head of a pagan snake cult. “Brilliant. Superbly silly, especially Catherine [Dynasty] Oxenburg dubbed with a Derbyshire accent. Like a Hammer horror film on acid, with Boy Scouts, helpings of nudity and just the right amount of blood. (9)”.

ELVIRA – MISTRESS OF THE DARK – James Signorelle. Elvira is fired from her TV show and goes to collect her inheritance from a timely-deceased aunt. Unfortunately, this is in the New England village of Falwell, whose inhabitants are not happy with her dresses (low-cut), morals, or her approach to life in general, and try to get rid of her…

“Somewhere between “‘Allo, ‘Allo” and “Carry on Cleavage” lies Elvira, the ultimate bimbo, whose car has a registration of ‘KICKASS’. Comedy without any pretensions, just good, simple fun and fine mindless entertainment. (8)”

TO DIE FOR – Deran Serafian. Vlad Tepes, better known as Count Dracula, is undead and well and living in America. Another update of the vampire story, with the usual problems of convincing the police you’re not a lunatic, staking victims, etc. “ANOTHER modern myth. It’s tough to update the vampire – “Near Dark” was about the best – and this one doesn’t work. Nothing new/worthy here, save an impressive decapitation and Brendan Hughes makes a good Vlad. (4)”

THE LADY IN WHITE – Frank La Loggia. Frankie Scarlatti is locked in the school cloakroom as a Halloween prank, and sees the ghost of a young girl, who turns out to be the victim of a murder. He is then attacked by the murderer, but recovers, and decides to try and solve the mystery.

“See Trash City 0. Stayed awake all through this one, which is more than I did for the films on either side – given I’d seen it before, this shows how engrossing it is. STILL think the ending sucks! (8)”.

FRIGHT NIGHT 2 – Tommy Lee Wallace. Charley Brewster has recovered from the ordeal of the first film, and now believes he made it all up, at least until some strange people move into vampire hunter Peter Vincent’s apartment block. Once again, battle commences.

“A real sequel, building on the events of “Fright Night”, with just enough original touches to make it worthwhile. About as entertaining as the first one; Roddy McDowall steals the (over)acting honours again. (6)” DEAD HEAT – Mark Goldblatt Seemingly unkillable robbers are terrorising a city. Turns out they’re zombies. One of the cops on the trail is killed, and is revived to try to solve the case before the resurrection wears off.

“Another neat twist on the buddy cop theme. Lots of shoot-outs, the obvious jokes about being dead tired, and a brilliant scene in a Chinese restaurant where the meals come to life. Highly enjoyable (8)”.

Just so you know what we missed, and to give you some idea why it was seized at the airport:

BAD TASTE. “In a small, quiet seaside town, all the inhabitants have disappeared. Could someone have chopped them all into pieces? Their fate, it seems, has been caused by a small contingent of violent aliens. They have arrived on Earth in search of human flesh to use as hamburger meat in their chain of inter-galactic fast-food stores.

Before the last inhabitant of the small town breathes no more, a panic stricken call is made to the outside world pleading for help. It is time for the newly formed Alien Investigation and Defence Service, or AIDS as it is known, to come into the scene. Systematically, they begin to deal with the aliens when they can find them.

Their problem escalates when a charity worker arrives in the town. He wants to collect for a good cause. Instead, he finds himself being marinated in preparation for the aliens’ farewell feast. The AIDS team set out to rescue the marinating charity worker. One of the team begins wreaking his personal vengeance on the aliens. The aliens are finally defeated by the leader of the AIDS team in a macabre, gory ritual that takes place in outer space.

Watchout aliens… here comes A.I.D.S!! The ultimate in bad taste.”

The latest info we have on this film is that is has finally got into the country, and is going to be Colourbox Video’s first stab at a cinema release – from what I’ve seen it may well be a short film after the BBFC have gone through it!

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Ah, some space to discuss a couple of things that have cropped up since writing the editorial. Firstly, thanks and apologies to everyone whose sent reviews or other pieces in – the former for taking the trouble, the latter because I failed to include ANY of them, which after my plea for contributions is a bit off! I took two weeks holiday over Easter, and went home (as in the North of Scotland); much of my time was spent working on this issue, writing, getting formats straight, looking out pictures, etc. I came back to Farnborough, with it almost all ready, to find a vast pile of articles – rather than trying to put them in this one (and probably making us the first ‘zine to have a late Issue 1!), I’ve held them all over – they should appear in Issue 2. Please keep sending them in; a rough latest date for next time is the start of July.

The other point came up in a letter from Cathy Barwick, who noticed the ‘masculine bias’ [Ouch! She’ll love the back cover!], and wondered whether I couldn’t write what women would think of, for example, a film. An important point. However, when it comes down to it, all I can do is give MY opinions – if the results show masculine bias, it is simply because THEY do, and I refuse to apologise for them. Also, I would never dream of attempting to generalise and say ‘Men/Women would like this’; I feel it would be condescending to tell anyone what to like, given the wide range of tastes the people I know of BOTH sexes have. All I can do is say what I like and why – if I say a film has good acting, I hope this is useful to both men and women; similarly, if I say the leading actress takes her clothes off a lot!

However, there are definitely articles, such as the NK piece, which could well be described as sexist. I write about the things I most enjoy; female beauty is one of them, male beauty is not – again, no apologies. I try and write in a spirit of self- parody and hope no offence is taken by ANYONE to ANYTHING. Finally, I am JUST as happy to print female chauvinist drivel as male chauvinist drivel – I appreciate there is something of an imbalance in these pages…!