The past weekend saw my first sortie outside of Phoenix to the rest of Arizona. Specifically, we headed down Interstate 10 to Tucson, which is the second city of the state, although it predates Phoenix by a good couple of hundred years – there was a Spanish mission there within a hundred years or so of Columbus discovering America. Since then – and probably largely since the invention of air-conditioning – it has been overtaken in most areas, but it still holds sway this week, because of the annual F-sized Tucson Gem Show. Seeing as round, shiny things are a matter of deep personal interest to me…for at least as long as their sale has been keeping a roof over my head…Chris and I spent most of Saturday going round the stalls.

Or, at least, a tiny fraction of them, for when I say it is “F-sized”, I am severely underestimating things. Across all the venues, my guess would probably be somewhere near ten thousand exhibitors, and with the best will in the world (not forgetting the aforementioned deep personal interest), you could never hope to get round them in a day – probably why the show lasts nearer two weeks. And, let’s face it, there is a certain point beyond which one pleasingly polished mineral looks pretty much the same as another. By about 3 pm, both of us had reached the “thousand-yard stare” stage: every time I closed my eyes, regiments of fossilised trilobites performed synchronised swimming routines, against a gently swaying backdrop of elegantly carved jade.

Though I do have to say that some of the fossils were fabulous. I had always been under the impression that they were kinda rare, but the evidence seemed very much to the contrary. As well as barrelfuls of those trilobites – I guess when you’re around for half a billion years, even a fraction of one percent adds up to quite a few – there were serried ranks of ammonites and unidentifiable pointy things. I was particularly impressed by a Moroccan slab, shot through with a gorgeous selection of prehistoric life-forms, which would have made a perfect table-top.

Also there, were people for whom rocks mean a great deal more than somewhere to put your coffee. I “borrowed” a poster for some “Healing Sessions”, illustrated with a photo of some woman holding a crystal over a ginger-headed bloke as he lay on a couch inside what was probably a pyramid or summat. The attached flier was a masterpiece of incomprehensible New Age gobbledigook:

12 Chakra
Energy Activations
Frequency Upgrades

This opening will assist you to shift and feel better in the new Higher Energies of this planet

Earth Activation Aura Balance with New Energy Matrix $47.
Physical work to eliminate body pains. Meridian blocks are opened for full energy potential while raising the frequency for the soul to seat between the 4th and 3rd chakra.

Solar Activiation DNA activation w/Crystal and Implant Removal $67.
The Holographic 12-strands of DNA are activated and connected into 12 geometric grids and 13 dimensional fields to awaken a persons ability to ground and create their involvement into 5th dimensional experience. Through past life regression, any past experience which produces negative patterns or blocks will be cleared; as well, implants and crystals located in the etheric body are removed. The personal grid system is also cleared.

Galactic Activation Golden Age Dimensional Activation w/DNA activation $88.
A connection to one’s Earth Golden Crystal Pool and the Acceleration Flame of Shambala is made. A plug at the base of the etheric body is removed allowing the brain partition between the medula oblongata and occipital lobe to unite. The brain is further balanced and energised by stimulating the corpus callosum to activate at a new level and accelerate right and left brain communication. The brain is initiated to process unconditionally. This activation can powerfully change your life to align it with your higher awareness and knowing who you are. Only do this is your inner guidance is ready and willing to harmonise with these evolutionary changes in awareness.

Univeral Activation Sri Yantra, Flower of Life, & Ascension Rose activation $111
Release astral contractors through a ceremony with Arcangel Michael and Lord Ganesha for success and wisdom. A new matrix is installed using the Sri Yantra, Flower of Life and Ascension Rose. These grids are activated and aligned to replace the fear and doubt grids. Fragmented soul parts will integrate. You will experience your true energetic essence and learn the sound of your essence vibration name. Unite with your eternal self and your feelings of pure glory. This activates your unconditional full acceptance for your life and aligns and integrates the necessary power grids to support you.

Glad that’s cleared that up. Two questions come to mind though – apart from ones like whether having your implants whipped out is necessarily a good thing (for example, if you’re Pamela Anderson). Firstly, are people really willing to pay for this sort of thing? And secondly, do you need to do any more than wave a few crystals over them in order to get them to part with their cash? If the answers are “Yes” and “No”, then I think we may have been barking up the wrong tree in simply selling the damn things…