The Trash City World Cup, Part 2

The Second Round

Once again, we enter the competitive arena, as the world’s finest purveyors of trash culture battle against each other for the coveted TC world cup. See last time for the group stages, which weeded out the libertarians from the religious fundamentalists, and left us with the following pairing in the round-of-16:|

Brazil vs Austria
Italy vs Scotland
France vs Bulgaria
Spain vs Denmark
Belgium vs Germany
United States vs Holland
England vs Argentina
Japan vs Romania

And now, over to our commentators, lounging around the front room with a bottle of beer and some chocolate biscuits:

brazil

Brazil vs Austria
In the group stages, I ascribed corned beef to Argentina, but shortly afterwards, I was told in no uncertain terms that the best corned beef is, in fact, from Brazil — and also, recommended to avoid the stuff from Zimbabwe. The breadth of knowledge of TC’s readership never ceases to amaze me… Anyway, between that, and a recent visit to Brown’s where I renewed my, ah, “acquaintance” with some of Brazil’s most popular exports, this was not a result ever seriously in doubt, and the South Americans sail serenly on.

Italy vs Scotland
Even as a Scotsman, I really have to applaud the spectacular way in which our football team inevitably self-destruct. After seven previous failures, you think we might get the hint, but even I was optimistic on Tuesday. For about 20 minutes. What impressed me most was Craig Burley’s adoption not only of Gazza’s hairstyle, but his psychoses, providing Exhibit A for the next FIFA referees’ video. Still, at least Morocco didn’t get through. Despite this brave attempt, Italy has better babes, better cult movies and (with the exception of haggis) better junk food. Still, at least we reached the second stage this time…

France vs Bulgaria
The lucky Bulgars were fortunate to make it this far, coming through the feared Group of Tedium against such superpowers as Nigeria and Paraguay. How many famous Bulgarians can you name? In terms of contributions to world culture, they must be one of the worst in Europe: all they can offer is really cool poison-pellet shooting umbrellas, for the removal of pesky dissidents. Neat, admittedly, but given the choice between that and the fluttering eyelashes of a Beart…well, we’ve all made more difficult decisions. Bye-bye, Bulgars.

Spain vs Denmark
This one was a tight little clash, with not really much to split the sides; both are creditable countries, maybe not quite in the forefront these days, but still with their merits. In the end, it was the TC readership who decided the result: I am under strict instructions to mention Lola Forner, or suffer the consequences. She was the babe who starred alongside Jackie Chan in a couple of his movies — and until Udo Kier can do the same, it’s just enough to give them the edge, along with that really cool cathedral which took a while to finish.

germany

Belgium vs Germany
Ooh, another very tough one to call. I *almost* went to Belgium at the start of March, but I *did* go to Germany last month, and it’s hard to see how Ghent could have been as entertaining. However, Kriek cherry beer remains the greatest in the world, and I do look forward to getting over there at some point and trying out a few more. Both have produced their fair share of cult movies, so this one goes to extra time, before the Germanic babe quotient proves enough to squeak out a narrow victory.

United States vs Holland
Probably the match-up of the round, two titans of Trash struggling with each other like…like…like two titanic struggling things. America may produce more stuff, but the Dutch conveniently have the same video format AND they politely subtitle films. Fabulously liberal attitudes towards media sex and violence can only help their cause, but there is one over-riding factor here: I’m not going to Holland for my summer holiday. For the second year in a row, it’s America, and that says a great deal.

England vs Argentina
Oh, dear… With the loss of corned-beef, Argentina get thrown back on the sole talents of Gabriella Sabatini. Admittedly FINE talents though these are, it’s not what you might call strength in depth. Disturbingly, as I write this, this tie looks like it could well be replicated next week in the real World Cup. Heart-warming though Maradona’s single-handed defeat of England a couple of tournaments ago was, it’s not really comparable with ‘Cool Britannia’ in its myriad chameleon forms. Much as it pains me to say it, England go through to the next round — which ends any similarity to the football, I imagine.

Japan vs Romania
According to a friend who has recently been to Romania, he thoroughly recommends the strip clubs there. This sort of thing does help to make this match a little less one-sided than I initially thought, but I spent much of last Sunday putting together a “best of Japanese women’s wrestling” tape, and whatever the delights of vampiric lap-dances (I confess to being a few pints down the line when he explained it all to me), I doubt they can compete with the goddess Manami Toyota in full flight. A brave attempt can’t stop a stake being driven through Romania’s heart.

The Quarter Finals

Carefully putting the above winners into the free wallchart (and probably confusing the rest of the office as a result), we get the following quarter-finals. Let battle commence!

Brazil vs Spain
Italy vs France
Germany vs Japan
United States vs England

italy

Brazil vs Spain
It’s interesting how the four matches have thrown together countries with what might be seen as similar approaches. Here, it’s two neo-Hispanic cultures, noted for passion and intensity. As in previous rounds, the major strong suit for Brazil is their women; of course, it’s a LARGE country, so you’d expect a few pearls, but apart from corned beef, babes do seem to be a major export. Also, I must confess that football itself does weigh in their favour; in full flow, no side is better to watch. Never been to Brazil, and my last trip to Spain was easily a decade ago, but while I’m in no real hurry to go back, going to Brazil has definite major appeal.

Italy vs France
Two next door neighbours, both possessing history, art, wine and a lot of other things which count for nothing at all here. I do love France, and Paris is among my favourite cities. I’ve never found their reputation for being rude and aggressive to be justified, providing you make SOME attempt to speak the language, even if it’s one sentence which peters out in a shrug. Italy…no-one makes better video nasties, sure, but I’ve never really got into cannibal flicks. Take the best of both cultures, and you would have a side that could take on anyone, but here, I’ve got to give the nod to France.

Germany vs Japan
Japanese culture is somewhat like Godzilla; from a distance, it’s very impressive, but it’s not something you’d necessarily want to LIVE with. Having experienced living with it, or at least one of its products, it is a hard, unyielding thing, full of surprises, most of which are unpleasant. Extrapolating from this may be unfair — no, make that IS unfair — but this whole event is just an exercise in generalisation, cliche and stereotype. And, hey, who cares? On the other hand, I can hardly think of a single facet of German culture which I’ve encountered, that I dislike. This typically Teutonic consistency means they pull a perhaps surprising victory out of the bag.

United States vs England
Two nations divided by a common language [and different attitudes to sport. England invents games, then lets the rest of the world beat them. America only plays games no-one else wants to]. The States are, undeniably, the most fucked-up nation in the world. The only vote I had in their favour consisted of three words: Jennifer Jason Leigh, a viable contender for the title of most fucked-up actress. This is the land of Henry Lee Lucas (scheduled for execution on Tuesday), Oprah (sadly, not scheduled for execution anytime), South Park, South Central, California Uber Alles, Oliver North, Tipper Gore and Star Trek. Sorry, England.

And there we pause, while I head off to examine the credentials of one of the semi-finallists in person. The line-up for the last four is:

Brazil vs Germany
France vs United States

As before, all comments, votes, suggestions and input are welcome — but may be ignored on a whim. Send them in anyway. Mail me at jmclennan@trashcity.org.

Yours, Ref Hunter J.

The Trash City World Cup, Part 1

The Group Stages

It may have come to your attention that there is apparently a minor football tournament taking place in France. Now, in some matches it’s obvious who to support (Scotland or England’s opponents) but in most cases, you will have no clear allegiance. Chatting to my mate John, during the Austria-Cameroon game, it became apparent that loyalties could be decided by evaluating each country on several factors:

  • What babes come from there
  • Cult movies the place has spawned
  • Any miscellaneous TC factors involving sex, violence, beer, junk food or a good laugh

Taking this Damascus-style revelation to its ultimate conclusion, why not run the entire World Cup on this basis. Discussion raged — could Cicciolina play for Italy, since she’s actually Hungarian? Was Ulrika Johnson Danish or Norwegian? Did we know ANYONE from Paraguay at all? But, finally, after much argument (and beer), we have come up with the following results. Please note that all referees’ decisions are final, no matter how arbitrary and factually wrong they may in fact be…

scotland

Group A:Brazil, Scotland, Morocco, Norway

This one always looked like being a tight, low-scoring group, with none of the countries greatly renowned as exporters of trash culture. However, Brazil does export large numbers of the artistes for the London strip-pub circuit — and VERY nice they are too — so this gave them the edge. All Scotland can manage on the babe front are Sheena Easton and C.P.Grogan, neither of whom are exactly world-ranked totty, though the Shallow Grave/Trainspotting cartel does give them a solid second place. The only Norwegians we can think of offhand are Ibsen and Grieg, but that is at least two up on Morocco…

  1. Brazil
  2. Scotland
  3. Norway
  4. Morocco

Group B: Italy, Chile, Cameroon, Austria

Italy are definitely one of the leading contenders for the trophy. Despite my severe reservations about much of their horror output, they are at least TRYING, and people like Michele Soavi put them well ahead in the cult movie category. They also lead for babes, with Asia Argento and the girl in Dellamore Dellamorte easily surpassing anything the other contenders have to offer. Austria do great pastries, however, and the double bill of arse-kicker, Sybil Danning and Arnold Schwarzenegger give them the runners-up spot. Cameroon come third, purely because I like the idea of a country named after a coconut-covered piece of confectionery.

  1. Italy
  2. Austria
  3. Cameroon
  4. Chile

Group C: Saudi Arabia, Denmark, France, South Africa

France hit heavy here, a front-line of Beart, Adjani and May proving more than enough firepower to take out the opposition. They are potentially weak in the field of cult movies, with only Luc Besson really pulling out of the “pretentious” category. But Paris is one of the world’s great cities and so their victory is solid. Denmark follow in second, with Lars Von Trier captaining their side. Besides, how can you NOT like a country which has an amusement park slap bang in the middle of the capital, and where people think sawing heads off mermaids is a bit of a lark? South Africa beat Saudi Arabia, simply because the latter don’t like you drinking alcohol. Bastards.

  1. France
  2. Denmark
  3. South Africa
  4. Saudi Arabia

Group D: Paraguay, Bulgaria, Spain, Nigeria

holland

This one was known as the ‘Group of Death’, and from the TC point of view, it’s renamed the ‘Group of Bored to Death’, as only Spain has even the slightest pedigree, and Pedro Almodovar can’t direct traffic. Despite this, him and breast-obsessed Catalan Bigas Luna are sufficient to lead this group, simply because none of the other three contenders score any points at all. Bulgaria go through, being slightly nearer the beginning of the alphabet than the other two — that it comes to this, is some indicator of the weakness of this group.

  1. Spain
  2. Bulgaria
  3. Nigeria
  4. Paraguay

Group E: South Korea, Mexico, Holland, Belgium

Possibly the closest of the groups. Neighbours and rivals Holland and Belgium fought it out, toe-to-toe, right up until the finish. Belgium snatched the lead after cult films: Man Bites Dog, Rabid Grannies, Crazy Love and Daughters of Darkness are a four-pack any nation would covet, while Holland only have the early works of Paul Verhoeven (now playing for the US team, of course). Holland do fight back under babes, with Renee Soutendijk and Audrey Hepburn, but Belgium clinches it thanks to multiple scores in the “food and drink” category, notably chocolate and beer [I’m sitting here with a Stella as I write this], and this pushes them to victory. S.Korea pip Mexico, but so far back it’s not worth discussing.

  1. Belgium
  2. Holland
  3. South Korea
  4. Mexico

Group F: Yugoslavia, Iran, Germany, United States

Germany, of course, have the TC equivalent of Ronaldo, in a certain N.Kinski, backed up with C.Schiffer and a bevy of other babes, as witnessed on the recent Hamburg trip. On the cult film front, Werner Herzog and Jorg Buttgereit team up as an effective force, and the staple diet of beer, sausage and more beer naturally endears them to us. But America virtually INVENTED trash culture, and are still among the best in the world; behind Fred Olen Ray and Roger Corman, you’ve got Las Vegas, Jerry Springer, and Pamela Anderson, all of whom are TC icons. Such a performance naturally installs them as among the favourites. Yugoslavia are third, beating out perhaps the second least TC-esque country in the world, Iran. I don’t think Afghanistan took part this time…

  1. United States
  2. Germany
  3. Yugoslavia
  4. Iran
england

Group G: England, Tunisia, Romania, Colombia

Of course, as a true Scot, it pains me to see England winning ANYTHING, but it has to be said that they do deserve their place here, if only because few of the other teams have anything much to offer. Oddly, the strongest suits of Romania and England tie in: the coolest thing about Romania is the vampiric traditions of Transylvania, and the best-known cult movies to come out of England are the Hammer films. Perhaps this will allow Romania to claim Ingrid Pitt and Winona Ryder as honorary Rumanians, but even so, they can’t really compete with the likes of Jenny Agutter. Colombia beat Tunisia for no readily apparent reason.

  1. England
  2. Romania
  3. Colombia
  4. Tunisia

Group H: Argentina, Japan, Croatia, Jamaica

Finally, one of the most lopsided groups, with Japan strolling to the title, a country mile ahead of their rivals in every way. The Godzilla films alone would be enough to give them victory in this group, and that’s discounting anime, women’s wrestling, Gunhed, Yukari Oshima, selling schoolgirl saliva, techno-obsession, and all the other facets of life there which delight and entrance (at least from the safe distance of 8,000 miles, it’s a lot less pleasant to have it living with you, let me assure you). Nobody else is even in the same park, Argentina just edging it, largely for being next to Brazil, and being the home of corned beef.

  1. Japan
  2. Argentina
  3. Croatia
  4. Jamaica

The Second Round

Brazil vs Austria
Italy vs Scotland
France vs Bulgaria
Spain vs Denmark
Belgium vs Germany
United States vs Holland
England vs Argentina
Japan vs Romania

At this stage, we take a pause. The first two knock-out phases will take place next week, and we welcome all comments as to who should win these games. These will be taken into account, along with our own prejudic…er, opinions, to decide the eventual winners of the tournament. Mail me at jmclennan@trashcity.org.

Yours, Ref Hunter J.

On to the next phase!

God’s in his heaven and all’s right(ish) with the world

After last week’s little diatribe, I find myself in a mellow mood, unwilling to vent my spleen too excessively. This is probably partly related to this week NOT having to be into work for 7am, but rather with an officially-sanctioned 10am start. though heaven knows there are certainly plenty of targets, notably…well, what’s the difference between Gazza and Ginger Spice? One’s ugly, overweight and past it, while the other is…er, can you repeat the question? Once again, it was an embarrassment to be British, as far more important things were going on elsewhere.

The nastiest surprise of the week was on Thursday night. As mentioned previously, a couple of weeks back, I was in Hamburg (photos now back from the chemists, so a report on the fine time had there will follow real soon), and we did notice the industrial-strength ICE trains in the railway station. It was something of a shock to watch the news and see one of them wrapped round, under and through an overpass. Makes me kinda glad that the train I get in the morning never seems to go faster than a slug on beta-blockers. Technology provides mankind with the ability to self-destruct in ever more spectacular ways.

Otherwise, though, it’s been a good week. Not really much specific at which a finger can be pointed, just a lot of little things combining to make it a satisfactory event. Things like lobbing a video tape across the living room towards the row of unwatched tapes — only for it to land, right-way up, neatly aligned on the end of the row. The ability to take pleasure from simple stuff like that is disturbingly gratifying.

And, miraculously, the next issue of TC finally managed to slide its way off to Juma, our printers. I’d been getting paranoid about this getting done before my looming holiday, not least because Juma were also shut down — head dude Martin was off in the Bahamas [I’m clearly paying too much… ;-)] However, it seems they do a lot of football stuff, and with the season just finished, they always have a quiet patch this time of year, especially because every self-respecting fan will be warming up to watch the World Cup. Though you could save yourself the bother, because England will go out in the quarter-finals. To Germany. On penalties. Again. Snigger. Mind you, Scotland will fail to qualify from the group stage. On goal-difference. After a shock result against some minnow. Again… So it’s all looking good for a large chunk of my luggage being a box of TCs, and I can go back to pursuits other than proff-reading for typong errirs — at least for a month or two.

Life could, naturally, be a little bit better in minor ways, mostly involving Nastassja Kinski and a family-size blackcurrant cheesecake. But for once, it seems that the static electricity of everyday existence has temporarily dispelled, so no tingly fingers when I touch doorknobs. However, I can’t help but feel a strange sense of…unease. This can’t last. In dramatic terms, things like this are but a mere precursor to, oh, disaster, insanity, death, y’know, the usual. However, the fact that I am ready for this hopefully means that it won’t happen, because under the same dramatic rules, things only ever happen to those who are not expecting them — this applies to both disaster/insanity/death and Kinski/dessert things. One imagines few people on the ICE were thinking “Hey, we’re about to lose a wheel and slam into a road bridge”.

I’m sure this proves something. Probably that it’s 1:57 am, and I really should be in bed. Just time for a slice of cheesecake though…