SCRIPT
PB = Pierce Brosnan Lookalike
M = Caroline Wheatly - dressed in suit, glasses on chain
M
Could I have your attention please? I have a matter of some importance to
discuss. A matter of National Security.
{PB enters the room with Dolly Bird (Chris) on arm}
M
{If Jim reacts} Sit down Double 06 and behave yourself. This concerns
you as well. Right.. Where was I? (Looks at Dossier). Ah, yes.. I suppose
you're wondering why I've asked you all to meet here. We're facing a
threat to our security at the present time from a rogue agent known only as
P.J.B.
PB
P.J.B.? Can you elaborate?
M
Ummm.. (Looks at Dossier).. Well... not specifically. Apparently "P.J.B." is
some form of cryptic code acronym. And no one has as yet been able to crack
the code. She is VERY dangerous.
PB
How dangerous is this woman?
M
This woman will stop at nothing. She can gouge out the eyes on a Nastassja
Kinski poster from a hundred yards. She has tried to seduce some of our
agents, with some success.
Luckily for us, when she tried to seduce sub agent Rob Dyer with her
charms, she was unsuccesful, largely in part to his use of a little known
company procedure involving talking non-stop about Bond movies and boring
her.
And we just discovered that Double 06's got an espionage language setup,
ruefully disguised as an interoffice Chat (emphasize) Up Line, which, at the
moment, means nothing to us at MI5, but we're looking into the format of the
language code...which reminds me Double 07 - I want you to decipher the
following messages that landed on my desk - "Tumbleweeds blowing across
the prairie" - "B52 circles menacingly above" and "Flap Flap".
PB
No problem. And will it be me or Double 06 on this mission. Or should I
just say NUMBER 6?
M
NUMBER 6? Is that his codename?
PB
No, it his vital statistics - or so I heard..
Chris
Oh James! You're soooo jealous!
M
Mmmmmm... probably because he prefers to talk Metric... 15cm sounds so
much more impressive.
We've tried using Double 06 on a number of missions.. some very difficult..the missionary being one of them.. And, believe me, we've tested him to the limits.
We have our secret group within MI5, headed by Boule 07 here, to test him. Secretly known as the "TaB" group, they meet on a monthly basis in placed unlikely to draw attention to men on their own - STRIP JOINTS. Awful places in my opinion, I'm sure you'll agree. But I know that the TaBsters - Keith Tweed, Simon Haven, Mark Smith, Phillip Brown, etc.. all attend these clandestine meetings completely under duress and I am sure these meetings, albeit necessary, are extremely unenjoyable - having to sit there for hours, watching naked women gyrating, etc.. etc.. So we thank you for your dedication to duty. And Jim, we appreciate the sacrifice you make with your ties, I'll say no more.
In order to recruit this TaB group, we advertise in a most prestigious and widely read magazine, aimed at high brow personages - people in our society with High IQ's and it is read by some of the most intellectual brains in the world. It is so exclusive, that it is only published once a year - goes under the name of TRASH CITY to fool people. We did consider using Rob Dyer's Dark Star, but it just doesn't attract the same high level of readership. We did hear on the grapevine that Rob was trying to recruit Rik Rawling for the illustrations, but Rik said his work wouldn't be taken seriously at Dark Star.
PB
The last meeting was held in Prague as we had received some information
about Double 06 which suggested he was working for Slobodan.
M
Yes, quite..No matter who we put in front of him, however - lap dancers
included - his loyalty didn't waiver once.
PB
I recall his loves were a certain "Chris" - his girlfriend, football and, of
course, his country.
M
You're forgetting Double 07, about the information we received about his
"Hello Kitty" doll? We hear that doll runs a very close second to his
girlfriend, as borne by the eveidence that the doll was dressed in black and
pink PVC... and we are still checking the rumour about the doll having
multiple piercings... (Raises an eyebrow)
We initially thought that Jim would make an excellent agent when we arranged some target practice cleverly disguised as a Laser Tag Game on Valentine's Day. He took particular delight in snipering children. In fact, instructor at the shooting range shaid he was a complete natural. Plus we like a man who doesn't mind showing up to a party in a toga when everyone else is sensibly dressed.
Of course, we keep a vigilant eye on the TaB group. Our super secret agent, Victoria - code name ULRIKA (Her of the Golden thighs) - was sent to tempt Double 06 - SIX TIMES! - Each time trying to coerce him into turning rogue. All unsuccessfully. We also tried ULRIKA on another possible agent, Bill Parker - and we thought this had worked when his eyes lit up at the sight of her, but then we noticed that she had a couple of strategically placed pecan rolls... they didn't last long because Bill ate them.
We did consider using several other agents. Kev Hutchinson for one, but we just could not justify the expense of several cases of Pink Champagne .
PB
And I believe I remember Double 06 trying to drink red wine in ALL BAR
ONE, and that proved to be a BIG MISTAKE!
M
Yes, quite. Other considerations included Abigail and Steve...but were not
chosen due to their affinities with Bats and Penguins..plus it was very
difficult trying to prise Steve away from the Play Station for longer than
two minutes at a time. Leon Woods was also considered, but again, we
couldn't drag him away from that screensaver he keeps of himself long
enough for an interview.
Doug Reid... hmmmmm... a peculiar choice. We were going to use him in a ruse involving a randy investment banker turned porn-star, but aborted the mission, when we discovered his true career of choice as noted by the current investigation of our Vice squad and a certain movie entitled "Doug's Gotta Have it" - We're talking serious moral turpitude and conflict of interest.. And speaking of moral turpitude, we also considered Simon Stapleton and we'll draw a veil over that for now..
But back to Jim. We have a few concerns about his suitability for this mission... his desire to watch Jerry Springer for one thing. His obsession with Mulan and (Looks at Dossier very intensely)...."Wild Things"??? Our outside informant, Simon Moore, tells us that Double 06 is the life of the party at the Xena lookalike events and that information may be useful. His friend, Rudy has no idea of the hidden messages in the laserdiscs he bought from Jim so he WILL be contacted at a later point for debriefing.
And from what Andy Waller tells us, his sex life is repetitious and infrequent. Andy is considering moving out and thinks Jim won't get over it. Andy says he keeps faking it...identity...illnesses..orgasms...and .... oh yes.. Wedding Photos..
But despite all these misgivings, we decided that the person who nevers says never was our best bet. Especially since you... Double 07 have been cavorting with a known double agent.
PB
Who's that?
M
The girl currently on your lap
Chris
Oops! Foiled again! {runs out of the room}
M
Double 06 - go after her and salvage something from this dreadful
situation. Find out what Double 07 has told her in his weakened state.
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your attention. I will see you at the next TaB meeting.