Litany of Hate

Some people actually chose to cast doubt on the veracity of the week before last's editorial, in which I documented my encounter with a Tube Loonie -- they didn't seem to believe that such a mild-mannered citizen as myself could be so upfront. But it all happened as described (allowing for literary hyperbole); there are just some things which push my buttons and cause me to react in a way which can seem excessive to those who don't share the particular dislike.

TC reader Mal Aitchison pointed me in the direction of page 576 on Ceefax -- a corner of this usually staid and straight-laced medium given over to people ranting about the things that they hate. Entitled, "It Makes Me Mad", it is populated by, in Mal's words, "the largest collection of oddballs, fuckwits and psychos outside of Rampton". And largely he is correct, with lists of things like "foreigners talking in their own language in front of you" and "modern underwear, because the elastic perishes, but you can't replace it like you used to" -- world hunger, the Kosovo crisis and the destruction of the rain forests don't get a look in.

But there is something curiously infectious and cathartic about the process of compiling such a list. It defines your persona, and it is only by confronting your demons that you can control them. Thus, here are the things that make me go AAAAAAAAAARGGGGH!

There are a whole bunch more: Big Issue sellers, everyone over 65, politicians, feminists, anybody who thinks horse racing is interesting, the undeserving rich, the undeserving poor, cycle couriers, Cleo Laine, Carla Lane, anyone involved with the National Lottery TV show, and animal rights activists, all to varying extents deserving of extermination. On the one hand, I am a bitter, misanthropic person given to sweeping generalisations; on the other, all the above combined probably account for much less than a billion people, and the other five billion or so are fine by me. I'm sure they are cheered by the knowledge.

Readers are encouraged to try the above for themselves, and see just how satisfying it can be. Once you get started, it's difficult to stop! Feel free to submit your lists to me as well: I'm sure I can sympathise with some of them. Or have a good laugh at least. As for me, having safely unburdened the above, I'm off for a pint...


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