Trash City witnesses the
latest developments in America's mutant phenomenon
“America. Land of
opportunity. Land of the free. And in the American
Southwest, home to a
modern marvel. Those who have power misunderstood by mere mortals.
Those whose power defies most of the forces of nature - gravity,
co-ordination, balance and speech. And all this at speeds up to 75
miles per hour!”
opening of the film
X-Men was exciting for me. I got to see the silver-screen realization
of a long awaited dream, my favorite superheroes portrayed by actors
and armed with eye-popping, computer generated abilities. It occurred
to me after I saw the movie, that there are superheroes all around us,
in our neighborhoods and in our towns, that we don't typically pay much
don't have fancy
costumes or computer generated powers that dazzle the eye, but if
you're quick, you might catch a glimpse as they perform miraculous
feats of mutant coordination...all while driving a car. Presumably on
their way to some planet-threatening emergency that only they can
“We're talking about Traffic
Superheroes, speed demons who must drive and multi-task at
same time. We've all seen them, but we never really realized that the
person driving next to us, donning their makeup, drinking their coffee,
eating their breakfast (hell, cooking their breakfast!), dressing,
speaking on the phone and simultaneously driving, are masters of powers
simply beyond our comprehension. My brother, his wife and I have been
taking notice of these secret superheroes that are overlooked by the
general public (unless they happen to have an encounter of the head-on
collision kind with one of them).
of you, although
residing far from here, may recognize these names and descriptions
quite vividly from one or more times you have crossed paths with them.
For one of their most interesting powers is the ability to be in
several places at once, since there have been sightings, at the same
moment, thousands of miles apart. It stumps the experts how these
creatures have developed hyper-warp, trans-dimensional field travel,
but we hope to one day figure that out.”
have decided that it
is necessary to expose these superheroes to the world by their true
names, in order that the rest of the population can pay homage to these
beings, or perhaps just send their lawyer after them. So, in honour of
all the mutants out there, who grace our presence daily with displays
of super-human coordination near break-neck speed, and unusual
activities, here is a partial list of those we have spied in our
travels. Maybe you've seen them too...”
Breakfast Man Able
to eat breakfast,
have his coffee, even cook breakfast, then eat it while driving. Is
somehow able to eat cereal, drive his car, and even perform U-turns
without spilling his milk.
Investment Man The
power to have the
entire business section of the newspaper spread out in front of him,
with a cell phone in his ear, trading stocks over the phone all while
barreling down the road at 55 miles per hour.
Turban Man Amazing!!
Can drive and
wrap nine hundred yards of material around his head. Fortunate, since
it was necessary to wait till he was actually in the vehicle and
driving in the speed lane to accomplish this. Watch in awe as he spins
yards and yards of fabric around his head (Ooops! watch those eyes!),
under his chin and across his forehead, never taking his foot off the
accelerator, not even once!
Greased Lightning Granny
a speeding golfcart! More powerful than extra-strength incontinence
pads! Look out! She's on the road and no red traffic light holds
dominion over her. No stop sign even slows her down. It's Greased
Shifting gears is no
problem for this on-the-go cosmetic counter attendant (oops! Almost
revealed her true identity), as she can accurately apply her make-up
(even mascara!) and drive simultaneously.
Brain Surgeon Man
We've all seen this
guy. He must be in front of you in traffic (HE MUST), and he gets
highly upset if you don't let him (HIGHLY UPSET), because of the
emergency brain surgery (URGENT!!) that awaits him at the hospital.
Which happens to be in the opposite direction. Never mind.
The Picker Breakfast
for you will not
be the same today. No, no. Maybe not the same for a long time, in fact.
The Picker will make certain of that. The Picker is an unusual fellow
in that he can change his appearance to look like countless people on
the highway. You've seen him, although you may not have recognized him.
The Picker has the ability to grow his breakfast. You know where. And,
while mere normal humans such as ourselves shudder with spontaneous and
violent disgust, The Picker knows a good one when he digs it out. We
have to look at him and yell... “pick me a winner,
The Speed Keeper No
matter how far up
his ass you insert your front end, The Speed Keeper is in control. He
knows that your goal is to go beyond the speed limit. His goal is to
save your life from the treacherous perils of velocity by going exactly
at the speed limit. Those signs are there for a reason, after all.
Those signs are there for our health, contrary to popular belief,
Mister! Sometimes The Speed Keeper enlists the help of an accomplice or
sidekick, pacing each other in adjacent lanes, to deny everyone the
right to be Brain Surgeon Man.
Cell Phone Dude Cell
Phone Dude is
just way too busy for a single minute to go by. Way too busy!!! He must
spend every minute that he's on the road, on the phone as well. His
jet-set lifestyle doesn't permit him to take a break from
telecommunicating. Oh, no...people have to hear from him. And it
doesn't matter if he runs you and half of creation off the road while
he's making that very important call. Those cell phone people must hear
from him at all costs! He's got the best equipment for the job at hand,
too. Only the best and fastest for jet-setting Cell Phone Dude.
Knuckles Lives in a
community and is approximately 8 million years old, but ventures out
every so often to teach us the value of decision-making. Knuckles
believes that even though his/her left turn is over ten miles away,
they are within their right to keep us waiting for the blessed event.
Knuckles will invariably slow right down to make sure that pesky
junction doesn't slip past them, and will typically make the turn from
the middle or even right lane. Knuckles also owns the biggest car in
the world, and can barely see over the steering wheel.
there's an accident,
Rubber-Neck and his kin want every detail from the scene. Rubber-Neck
can't go more than a few miles per hour as he cranes his neck, trying
to get a better view from his vantage point behind the wheel. And
though Mrs. Rubber-Neck warns him to keep his eyes on the road (they
always marry their polar opposites), Rubber-Neck would be remiss in his
duties if he didn't get every detail...after all, someone may one day
ask him about the big accident.
Mrs. Discipline Mrs.
keep her kids from taking off their safety belts, but Has mastered the
ability to talk without the need to breathe. Thus, these are the things
that she says as she's disciplining her kids while driving on the road
(which, by the way, is the best place to educate them).
Can't Find It Guy
Can't Find It Guy,
just can't find it. But he's gonna try his hardest to locate it while
he's driving all over the road right in front of you. Is the brother
Kickin' EQ In The Glove Box Dude
keep adjusting the levels of ear-shattering volume that his car stereo
puts out, ever in search of what the salesman called the
Level of EQ Serendipity”. This is the exact combination of
channels that his EQ controls, which will produce the perfect sound for
every song. Unfortunately, every time he gets close to NLEQS, the song
ends and he has to start all over again. Has the EQ cleverly hidden in
the glove box (shhh), so thieves won't know it's there. If they do
break into his car, they'll never think to look there, cuz who would
ever think of putting an EQ in the glove box, anyway? Right?
“These are just a few.
There are many more out there. We have borne witness to all these on
the road over the years and are sure there are more, interesting
and dangerous examples out there, all over this TC World. We
want to know who these people are. Let us know if you've seen any, we'd
love to add to this list... Expose them.. tell us your Traffic
Chris Fata -
North American Ambassador.
and assisted by the Trash City
American Eyewitnesses (currently under the TC Witness Protection
Program to protect their identities from vengeful Traffic Superheroes
for exposing them):
Morales & Amy Drake
the rules and nobody gets hurt...”
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